From oracle-request Wed Dec 8 12:00:46 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA12033; Wed, 8 Dec 1993 12:00:46 -0500 Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1993 12:00:46 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #610 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 610 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #610 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1993 12:00:46 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 610 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 605 41 votes 5dc92 29ag4 aad71 4bb87 d9b53 18ic2 09e8a 25hc5 37gd2 0e6h4 605 3.0 mean 2.8 3.3 2.5 3.1 2.4 3.1 3.5 3.3 3.1 3.3 --- 610-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh great oracle, whose eminance is greater than all the > anomosity in the world: > > Why is it human nature to seek to deprive others of their rights to be > human? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it is so much better to be Klingon. } } Qapla'! --- 610-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I so adore your Wisdom that I have obtained your oldest > and dustiest collected Oracularities from mailserv@cs.indiana.edu > > Upon reading them, I have noticed a disturbing trend: many of the > fairly-recent Questions are nothing but repetitions of the oldest > ones, such as > > > Did I just insult the president of ibm to his face? or is > > I wish I had a scroll. How could I get one, Senator? > > If you were traveling in a vehicle moving at lightspeed, and > > (and, of course, the ever-popular 019-10). > > It seems as though we mortals have exhausted our inventiveness and > can think of no new Questions. You, of course, already know what > Questions we could be asking, were we but wise enough... > > Your answers, Oh great Oracle, are ever perfect, wise, and witty. > Dare I ask, then, why is it that, when these Questions are repeated, > You do not simply answer in the same way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I refer the supplicant to Oracularity 045.8 for a complete answer to } this question. C.f. 057.2, 078.5 and the very informative 105.3. } } You owe the Oracle a woodchuck question (my god --- what am I saying?). --- 610-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh wise one whose inner strength is greater than that of th e > World Federation of Wrestling: > > I am 13 years old and attracted to myself. I have pictures of myself > on my walls, and I evn even have my own name tattooed on my right > buttock, however, every time I want to ask myself I loose all courage. > > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor human. Yes, vanity can be truly one of the more painful } emotions, particularily when the object of your love chooses not to } reciprocate. But you, however, still need to discover whether the love } of your life feels the same way about you. } You need not ask yourself out so blantantly. It is probably } better to start out small. Start out by saying "Hi" to yourself when } you we yourself in the mirror. If you and yourself find yourselves } working on a similar project at school, ask yourself how you are doing. } If you appear to be in difficulty, help yourself. If you continue } this for a while, you will gradually become more acquainted with } yourself. } Now it is time to make your move. Offer to carry your books home } from school. Tell yourself jokes that you'll know you'll like. As } time, goes on, you'll find that you have become attracted to yourself. } Finally, ask yourself to accompany you to some event. It need } not be anything special, perhaps a school sports event. Make sure } that you choose something that you like. If this goes over well, } ask yourself if you would like to go somewhere to eat. If you do, } try to pay the check. You will want to pick up the other half of the } bill, but you should refuse -- for a while. } Now that you like and respect yourself, it's time to act like a } cad and try to take advantage of yourself. Start out with hand-holding, } then move on to self-hugs. Kiss yourself passionately. Then, when the } conditions are right, find a secluded spot and make passionate love to } yourself. It is important, that you respect yourself and listen to } what you are saying. Remember, that this act is for growing closer, not } just for cheap thrills. Wear a condom. You wouldn't want to give } yourself any diseases, would you? } I wish you great success in courting yourself. } *Sigh* Nothing like young people in love... } } You owe the Oracle a compilation of postings from } alt.masturbation. --- 610-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What use is a belly-button? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle peers down. "Hmm... this could be a tough one." He } wanders over to a dusty stack of CD-ROMS, Atari game cartriges, } 8-track cassettes, and 8" floppy disks. He finally fishes out a drab } manual entitled "IBM Field Service Representative Guide version } 0.0001a". Flipping through dozens of pages labeled "This page } intentionally left blank", he finally finds a listing of button } add-ons. On buttons, off buttons, red nuclear war buttons ("Hmm, gotta } get me one of those"), cute-as-a-buttons, but no belly buttons. } } Finally, he calls out, "Lisa! What's the use of belly buttons?" } } The stunningly beautiful Lisa walks into the room, pulls up the } Oracle's shirt and blows hard against his belly button, as the Oracle } shouts, "Whee-he-he WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW HOW HOW WHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!! } ZOWIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" } } You owe the Oracle an IBM compatible belly-button lint remover and } a cold shower. --- 610-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who art plusher than any overstuffed couch ... > > I love you > you love me > we're a happy family > with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you > won't you say you love me too? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, and I'll explain why. Because you *mock* me with that mantra. Just } as a kitten bats the mutilated carcass of a bird with his paw, you } taunt me, you *play* with me! Interesting, because I come to the } threshold of loosing control, I *want* to love you believe me I do, } but (sobbing) ...it's so hard...(sniff), that verse is just soooooooo } beautiful, so melodic, your hue sooooooo purple, your died foam rubber } skin, like an overfilled hot water bottle, your eyes, like billiard } balls, ah! your wooden teeth....(sniff)...NO! I MUST BE STRONG! I } cannot love you, alas I cannot ..... love .....you..... Don't worry, } another unemployed actor in a dinosaur suit will come along for you, I } promise. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Jurrasic Park: The movie". --- 610-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Sweet Wonderfully Omnicscient (And I'm sure *gorgeous*) Oracle, > > PUH-LEASE tell me: > What do you think of Angband and has any mortal in history ever PRVOED > he/she won without backup files? > > Thanks, > > Frustrated (and Sleepless due to Angband addiction) in Kalamazoo And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is rather surprising indeed that people don't ask more often about } the great Scottish Battle of the Bands VI. It was a night of heavy } metal bagpipe as only the Scots can play it. Angband in particular put } forth a powerful performance. (Bit of Trivia: Angband is short for } Angus-Band, although nobody really makes the association any more, } since Angus left the group to do solo work after they put out their } first album.) } } The group had not only an incredible audio *electricity*, but also a } lyrical hypnotism. This was combined with the visual sensation created } by putting forty extra singers on stage; placed in a single file line } of 10 people behind each band member. The song they opened with still } sends a chill down my spine. Hold on, let me put in the CD... hmm, I } believe that's on their "I Kilt a Man" album. } } } } "You can eat those Lucky Charms, } all day if you want to... } But don't ask me 'bout leprechauns, } I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU DO! } } You might like that Siamese Cat... } that's sitting in your lap! } But if something isn't Scottish, then, } THE FACT IS THAT IT'S CRAP! } } Hop SCOTCH! } This SWISS watch! } It's crap! It's crap! } If it's NOT Scottish it's CRAP! } It's crap! It's crap!..." } } Wow. Still has the same effect. } } So in response to your first question, the Oracle likes Angband quite a } bit, and has all of their CD's. That isn't counting the singles, of } course, because I really don't find enough variation between the mixes } to justify paying the $5.99 + tax. (If you ask me, the "Scottish } TERRiOR" mix of _Hop Scotch_ sounds almost *exactly* like the 7" } version, just with a slight reversal in acoustic roles played by the } bagpipes and electric guitar.) } } And secondly, because Angband in reality DID have backup files singing } along in the contest, whether or not they would have won without them } is a purely hypothetical question. Humans don't have the capability to } ever PROVE the outcomes of hypothetical situations (one of the real } limitations of your species), so alas, it has never happened and never } will happen. } } But if it makes you feel any better, the Oracle will tell you the } answer--- Yes. Angband could have won without the added audio/visual } glitz. They're just superior musicians. And in a competition against } second rate bagpipe metal like Iron Lassie, I don't think they could } have lost if they just threw down their pipes and played kazoos } instead. } } Oh, and you don't have to be worried about which gender pronoun to use } when referring to a band. Although ships have historically been } referred to as "she", convention currently dictates that all bands are } "he," with the very few exceptions of "Enya," "Wilson Phillips," and } "Gerardo." } } You owe the Oracle a politically correct gender pronoun for people who } live in Kalamazoo and refer to the Omniscient One as "Sweet." --- 610-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Wise and Benevolent Oracle, > > Please tell me Why do idiots in congress pass dumb-ass laws like the > Brady Bill that will only affect people who decide to obey the law > anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, actually, in principle that applies to any law, no? Any law } that's hard to enforce affects only those who obey it... } } The principle of the Brady Bill is a pervasive law of American } politics. It's called the Dumbass Compromise. The way it works is, } you start with two extreme and idiotic positions. For instance: } } NRA GUN NUT: "All American school children have the right to carry } grenade launchers." } } CAMPUS PC ACTIVIST: "Ban Super Soakers!" } } Now, to perform a true Dumbass Compromise, you don't make any effort } to come up with an intelligent solution, you don't make any effort } to understand the conflict of principles involved, and you don't try } to figure out what's acceptable to the overwhelming majority of the } general public. You just find the two most extreme positions you can, } and pick (at random) something that's between the two. } } In fact, the Dumbass Compromise method is hardly limited to the } U.S. In Canada, where constitutional negotiations drag on and on, } politicians have come up with one Dumbass Compromise after another. } They've all wound up on the scrap heap, of course. } } You owe the Oracle a five-day waiting period on abortions. Hey, it's } a compromise. --- 610-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, who knows who he is and what he's doing at all times, > > Who am I? > > And what am I doing here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who are you? Well, let's try this handy-dandy personality quiz: } } 1. When you go to sleep at night, you think about: } a) Death } b) Work } c) The next day } d) The person sleeping next to you } e) I sleep during the day, actually } f) Sleep? } } 2. When you wake up in the morning, you: } a) Shiver } b) Yawn } c) Groan } d) Turn over and go right back to sleep } e) Kick yourself for having fallen asleep when you did } f) Wonder how you got where you are } } 3. Which of the following jobs is closest to your job: } a) Undertaker } b) MAKE.MONEY.FAST } c) Politician } d) None of these is close *or* unemployed } e) Student } f) Cashier at a music store } } 4. During the evening, besides work you: } a) Read epic poems and weep } b) Turn in early } c) Watch hilarious sitcoms like Family Matters and Saved by the Bell } d) Watch hilarious sitcoms like Seinfeld } e) Catch the game with your pals } f) Um, the last evening I really remember was in 1986 } } 5. Given a choice of movies, you'd go see: } a) Eastern European amination } b) Documentaries } c) Lawrence of Arabia, again! } d) The latest John Hughes, with your kids } e) An action flick } f) The Rocky Horror Picture Show } } 6. What is your favorite music? } a) Gregorian chants } b) Actually, children's music really grows on you! } c) Country/western } d) Classical } e) Rock } f) Just a sec--lemme turn this down--what'd you say? } } 7. There's a party next door, but you're not invited. You: } a) Call the police and ask them to enforce noise bylaws } b) Mind your own business } c) Feel left out } d) Crash it } e) That doesn't apply to me--I'd be invited } f) That doesn't apply to me--the party would be at my place } } 8. When doing work at home, you: } a) Slave away } b) Take timed breaks } c) Turn on background music } d) Turn on the TV in the background } e) Are saving yourself the money from photocopying someone else's } f) Kick yourself, and stop } } 9. Reflecting on your childhood, you: } a) Regret the many wasted years } b) Opine about the good old days } c) Can't remember a damn thing } d) Still love telling that story about the gorgeous teacher } e) Hah! My childhood hasn't ended yet } f) Can't believe you didn't like the taste of beer } } 10. You have an empty pop can. You: } a) Complain about health problems caused by aluminum } b) Have wasted your money on pop } c) Buy another can } d) Recycle } e) Crush it underfoot } f) Wonder why it's not an empty beer can } } 11. My sexual preference is: } a) No, thanks } b) Yes, please } } 12. At parties, I am: } a) The designated driver } b) The designated driven } } 13. The phone book is: } a) Fun reading } b) In some weird order I that can't figure out } } 14. I am: } a) Human } b) Alien } } 15. If I could build a better mouse trap, I would: } a) Make a killing } b) Be able to eat a whole lot more mouse--cool! } } 16. I am a: } a) Cat person } b) Dog person } } 17. The glass is: } a) Half empty } b) Half full } } Scoring: for questions 1-10, score 1 point for each question you } answered (a), 2 for each (b), 3 for each (c), 4 for each (d), 5 for } each (e), and 6 for each (f). For questions 11-15, score 1 point for } each (a) and 2 points for each (b). Ignore questions 16 and 17 } entirely. } } If you scored... You are... } 0-14 pts A consummate cheater } 15 pts Waiting for death } 16-20 pts A depressed pessimist } 21-30 pts BORING } 31-41 pts Dull, socially responsible } 42 pts Mostly harmless } 43-50 pts Friendly } 51-60 pts A definite extrovert } 61-67 pts The life of most parties } 68-69 pts Wanton, reckless, irresponsible } 70 pts A wild and crazy alien who would eat mice } 71+ pts A consummate cheater } } What are you doing here? Well, I think by now that that should be } pretty obvious. } } You owe the Oracle a new pair of rose-colored glasses. --- 610-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > I think you're really special oracle, and I just wanted to tell you > that. Also I particularly like your use of the past perfect tense. > > Is there anything finer than to be in Carolina in the morning? I'm a > Florida girl and so I wouldn't know! > > Love, Gloria And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, as a matter of fact there is: you can be in Carolina 'bout a } quarter to four, supper in the diner then you're in Baltimore. } } You owe the Oracle a partridge in a pear tree. --- 610-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mighty Oracle, who doesn't need to be Faster Than a Speeding > Bullet because he's smart enough to be on the other side of the gun -- > > Please explain this slang to me: people waffle on issues, get > toasted by the boss, earn bread, and bring home the dough. Isn't this > backwards? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, you think they should take the dough to work, pay out all their } bread, butter up the boss, and cook the books on the issues? Be } serious!