From oracle-request Mon Nov 1 12:02:26 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA17422; Mon, 1 Nov 1993 12:02:26 -0500 Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 12:02:26 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #602 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 602 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #602 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 12:02:26 -0500 @@@ The Usenet Oracle -- 75 thousand served! @@@ @@@ Dion Hyman has just asked the Usenet Oracle its 75,000th question! @@@ That makes for an average of 50 questions answered per day, every day, @@@ for the past 4 years. No rest for the omniscient, it seems. @@@ @@@ On the occasion, Dion had to say, "I would like to thank life in @@@ general for giving such great ideas for USENET Oracle questions." @@@ @@@ Steve Kinzler To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 602 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 597 49 votes 7fd86 4cjb3 2cma3 3fic1 aaga3 2fde5 37dga 2cag9 4cla2 26ig7 597 3.1 mean 2.8 2.9 3.0 2.9 2.7 3.1 3.5 3.4 2.9 3.4 --- 602-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose chewing gum never loses its flavour on the bedpost > overnight. > > When The Beatles were struggling teenagers in Hamburg, George Harrison > threw up one night and was too drunk to clean it up. Over time they all > started 'feeding' it bits of food, fag ends, and other stuff, and it > grew in time into what they called 'The Thing'. > > Did it ever get cleaned up, and if not, what does it look like now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The 'thing' now rides the airwaves in the form of the 'man' they } call Rush... } } You owe the oracle some Nuprin. (Little, yellow, different) --- 602-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Incarnation, > > I have observed a disturbing pattern in your Oracularities voting. > > 586 > 1 1 1 5 1 1 1 1 1 1 > 587 > 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 > 588 > 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 > 589 > 1 1 1 1 1 1 5 1 1 1 > 590 > 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 > 591 > 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 > 592 > 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 > 593 > 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 > > Voting is an important responsibility and should be handled in a > mature manner. I'll be watching you... > > -- > T.U. Oracle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nice try, supplicant, but you're not fooling anyone but yourself and } that geek three seats down. } } Now, let me introduce you to a modern concept called 'democracy.' } That's where everyone votes, and all votes count equally, and the } object/person/ideal with the most votes wins. No other method is } allowed in choosing an Oracularity (as if I would care, I wrote them } all anyway). } } Some examples to help you understand, o feeble one: } } Democracy You have a cow. Everyone in your community (most of } whom have never seen a real cow and think milk is } grown in plastic containers) votes on what to do with } your cow. The option with the most votes is what } you must do. } } Republic You elect or appoint some fat people (none of whom } know any more or less about cows than you do) to } wander off and decide what to do with your cow for } you. } } Communism (modern) The government steals your cow, milks it, } gives you sour milk, sends you to Siberia when you } complain about the milk, then has steak for dinner. } } Communism (ideal Marxism) see Democracy, only add hatchets to } the voting process. } } Facsism Someone steals your cows because they are of the } wrong breed. Gives you a pig, then shoots you. } } Totalitarian Someone steals your cows because he can. Shoots } you *and* the pig. } } Monarchy Reigning monarch involved in scandal with cow, issues } edict stating that certain cows belong to the crown. } } Socialism Government takes both of your cows, kills one, milks } the other, pours milk down the drain, then pays you } a subsidy so you can afford to buy milk from someone } else's cow. } } Get it? Got it? Good. } } You owe the Oracle a barn. You owe it to yourself to work on forging } my signature a bit better. --- 602-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } -- } Dear Priest: } } The Answer is *before* the dashes, you can edit this part out. } This note to you is just here to make you stop and think twice. } (But you could leave it in to help the voters.) } } As an answer to the ever-popular Null Query, } what could be funnier, more appropriate, more perfectly *right* } than the Null Answer? } } It looks like nothing, but if "less is more", then the Null Answer } says everything! } } It looks simple, but actually it is the product of hours and hours } of deep and refined cogitation, a gradual tightening up of } the argument and elimination of unnecessary words. } } It looks easy, but in fact I had to wear out my fingerbones typing } up draft after draft of it before I got it just right. } } So, please, Mister Priest, think twice before rejecting this } enormously clever and deep answer. } } Thank you, } } An Incarnation --- 602-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I thinking there is something here I want > to know about?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, This is a dumb question. And we have always said there is no } such thing as a dumb question. Well we were wrong. We thought we } were wrong once before, but that was a mistake. } } Was that what you want to know about? } } Probably not. We should probably know the answer to that, but } we don't care. } } Okay. Let us stop laughing at you and get to answering your question, } since, that is what we are paid to do. Buy the way... We don't } remember you sending your payment for your last question. } } You are thinking that way because you have not learned the true meaning } of want. What does want really mean? Try the following: } you say: you really mean: } I want to go the bathroom. I _need_ to go. } I want to meet that girl/boy. I dream of meeting that girl/boy. } I want 10 dollars. Give me 10 dollars or I will kill } you. } I want to go to a movie. I am bored and can not think of any } exotic entertainment. } I want to watch some TV. I am braindead and can not think of } exotic entertainment (like a } movie). } I want fries with that. I really wish these counter people } would stop asking if I want fries } with that, especially since I } don't know the meaning of want. } } So when you say 'there is something here I want to know about' you are } really saying you really need to dream of killing someone becouse you } can't think of anything more exotic than being a counter person at a } fast food place. } } You owe us: A set of tupperware tooth-brush holders in light blue } plastic. --- 602-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have they ever laid anyone off who works at the unemployment > office? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, because if they had, he/she would no longer work there. } } You owe the Oracle a tranquilizer; your grammar makes me tense. --- 602-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Ecstatic Oracle who never has a bad day, how can I achieve > true happiness? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } True happiness, my best supplicant, is better when not achieved. Trust } me, I've tried it. But I didn't inhale. --- 602-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient one who knows whether Francis Bacon really wrote all > of Shakespeare's plays but who's not telling, > > I don't get the line in _Macbeth_ where the witch asks, "When > shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?" > If there's thunder, isn't there lightning? And if there's either of > those, isn't there usually rain? I mean, it's hard to imagine Witch #2 > saying, "Oh, let's meet in thunder, we met in lightning last time." > > Anyway, if Shakespeare is such a genius, the question must mean > something, so what does it mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Nice to see that there's SOMEBODY out there not obsessed with UNIX } and Lisa...) } } Witches, naturally, have a language all their own. "Meeting in } thunder" means "Banding together to do some serious cursing." } "Meeting in lightning" means "Just popping in for a quick cuppa" and } "Meeting in rain" means a trip to the pub for a few dozen pints. By } the way, "eye of newt" is code for "pickled onion" and "wing of bat" } is "cuttings from an old saddle." } } The full translation of the dialog of the witches of the Scottish Play } reveals they are plotting to place a basket of goat giblets on the } throne and quintuple the tax on polydactylity. From this we may infer } that Shakespere was a little foggy on witchspeak, but we may forgive } him for this. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of _Wyrd Sisters._ --- 602-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle. I do not feel lke myself today. What on earth should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Buy a piece of fossilized Pleistocene mammoth dung, then take it } to to your local veterinarian's and tell the vet in a high state } of agitation that you're worried about the stools your German } shepherd is passing. Unscrew the mirror from your bathroom medicine } cabinet and take it with you to the downtown public library; go up } to the help desk and ask whether they have any reverse-print books. } Throw a major hissing fit when you are told they don't. Go to the } art museum, set up your easel in front of a Rembrandt, and begin } painting a copy of Picasso's "Guernica." If anyone points out the } discrepancy, hit yourself on the forehead and say "Geez, you're } right! GEEZ!!" Find someone with a "Will work for food" sign, then } drive past him at 12 mph as you hold a Big Mac out the window and } shout, "It's yours if you can catch it!" Find a meter-maid and } then jog down the street just in front of her van, putting nickels } in every expired parking meter you see; do this for several hours. } Rent a doorman's costume and stand out in front of the fanciest } doorman-less hotel you can find. When anyone passes, tip your cap } and say, "Tickle your ass with a feather!"; when they gasp "WHAT } did you say?!" sweetly reply, "Particularly nice weather!" Go down } to the airport, find a spot beneath outgoing planes, and watch } every takeoff with a rapturous gaze; if anyone is standing next to } you as a plane passes overhead, turn to them and say, as you point } to the plane, "I can see its wee-wee!" } } I guarantee you'll feel MUCH better. --- 602-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > I have heard that you are pretty smart, and very well informed. > Can you please help me. You see, I am adopted, and I am now trying to > find out information about my birth parents, and my origin. I am > afraid I don't have much information to give you. My adoptive parents > actually found me, so there was no Adoption agency involved. In fact > all I have to go on is the blanket I was wrapped in. It has a strange > symbol on it. A red, blue, and yellow "S" in an inverted triangular > shape. > > Thank you very much for your help. > > Sincerely, > Clark Kent. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Grate Mr Kent, me are unworthy to wipe glasses oF such a Mity } Supplikant! Me Stupid Bizarro Orakel here to ask You all my Questions! } In Bizarro world everything backwards, me run on Nintendo and nice } parents give bad kids Cray to play Mortal Kombat and Super Mario Bros! } Lisa nice Sweet librarian never kiss on first date! Steve Kinzler wrok } for Bizarro Microsoft which give away software for free but Emacs cost } $3 million billion bizarro dollars! } } So how many woodchucks a wood chuck if Woood could chuck woodchuck? } Ha-ha, me know answer! 24!!! Now me got other question for you: } what thing that is green and like big rock and got funny glow all } over comic strip? Ha ha, me not know too but you sitting on it! } Grate Mr Kent, you hear me? Why Mr Kent make funny puking noises like } on Bizarro world mean dinner very good? Why Mr Kent lie down and not } move like on Bizarro world mean time to wake up? Oh, me know, Mr Kent } grovelling, mean me got to ZOT him! } } The Bizarro Oracle, me going home now to ponder your Question! --- 602-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lo! Behold the might of the Oracle! With His grace, we live, without > it we wither to dust. Oh ever-so-mighty Oracle, please find it in > your heart to ponder on this small matter. > > Today, as I left my home, a black snake raised its head > in my path and hissed : "Do not believe the priests of > B'Haarne - they are acting on behalf of Dark Forces" > Shocked, I opened my car door and found a note on the > drivers seat, saying 'For a good time, call Barnii'. > Even more confused, I drove off to school, only to find > that half my class had turned into mindless zombies, > whereas for instance my religions teacher was dressed > in a black robe, clutching a necked hen in one hand and > a Bible in the other. The Bible was soaked in something > green and turned upside-down. Also, my english teacher > made proposals to me during class, promising me eternal > life and powers beyond belief if I would take her for my bride. > As I made my way back from school, through the ranks of > goblins and orcs previously not there, I could not help > but wondering if something by chance was wrong. I called the > police but since the only thing I could hear was screams, > some sort of howling and gunfire, I decided to ask you, > oh Mighty Oracle. Could you please fill me out on this one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, my child, you have stumbled into the realm of the Lord } Grisbane of Barnii, a very powerful foe. By aknowledging the presense } of the black snake, one of Grisbane's many disguises, you allowed the } doors to be opend to the nether world. You are now seeing things as } they are only a veiled world away. To banish the demons, you must } optain the subtance renowned for its magickal properties, and known in } the mortal world as Cheez Wiz. Spraying this substance upon any } creature whicvh seems unnatural, say "Oh foul one I damn you to } eternity in a Mickey Mouse costume at Disney World(tm) that you may } forever be plagued by whining children and learn your lesson." This } will either work or scare the beasts off. However, try not to mistake } gouls and orcs for highschool cheerleaders, as they seem similar at } first. After study you will find the cheerleaders to be the more } frightening. } } You owe the oracle a copy of Return of the Living Dead.