From oracle-request Thu Oct 21 13:03:10 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA08640; Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:03:10 -0500 Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:03:10 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #600 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 600 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #600 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:03:10 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 600 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 595 55 votes 3bej8 3cki2 16lha abee6 2eo96 19og5 08vf1 0cckb 0ew81 13kid 595 3.3 mean 3.3 3.1 3.5 2.9 3.1 3.3 3.2 3.5 2.9 3.7 --- 600-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is life so proventially hopeless?(grovel) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle in all its omniscience wonders what you mean by the word } 'proventially'? } } Perhaps you mean one of the following: } } a) Why is life so preventably hopeless? } } Because you didn't get your flu shot this year. } } b) Why is life so preverbally hopeless? } } Hard to say. } } c) Why is life so proverbially hopeless? } } Because that's the way the cookie crumbles! } } d) Why is life so provincially hopeless? } } Because you're taking too narrow a view of things. } Try to get out more! } } e) Why is life so Provence-ally hopeless? } } Parce que c'est la vie! } } You owe the Oracle a non-generic grovel, and a dictionary that } contains the word 'proventially'. --- 600-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Hammersmith The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, whose wisdom always leads him to do the right thing > and the right time, I'm puzzled by life and would like some advice. How > does one tell the difference between times when action is appropriate > and times when inaction is appropriate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lowly Supplicant, } } The answer to this question is very complex, so I shall, in deference } to your mental abilities (or lack thereof) supply you with some } examples. } } ACTION APPROPRIATE: } Your car is racing toward a large brick wall at 70mph. In a } hockey rink. } } ACTION INAPPROPRIATE: } You drive past a stranded female motorist... wearing leather, a } spiked collar, a skull tattoo, and carrying a truncheon.* } } INACTION APPROPRIATE: } You are approached by the same female, sans spikes, tattoo, and } truncheon, in a massage parlor. } } INACTION INAPPROPRIATE: } You are approached in a bar by three large italian men in black } suits and white ties carrying violin cases, and you have empty } pockets. } } * You or her? Doesn't matter. } } Youse owes da Oracle. And da Oracle don't take no excuses. --- 600-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh! Oracle, who in an Oracle Show would certain place "Best in Show" or > at least "Best Groomed", please tell me: > > What's the best place for a girl to find true love? > > Love, Gloria And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh sad one, one never finds when one is looking. } A few hints for the emotionally distressed:- } } 1) love is never found in the back of a pickup. } 2) love is never found on the ceiling of a cinema. } 3) love is .... } } an anagram of vole... } } When you find a vole you will have found love. } } Oh sad one, you owe the Oracle a large segment of Edam cheese --- 600-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh panoptical one, > > Remember in "The Wizard of Oz"--the movie that is--when Dorothy lands > and the Munchkins all come out and sing, and then one of them comes > forward and sings "As Coroner, I must aver / I've thoroughly examined > her / And she's not only merely dead / She's really quite sincerely > dead"? > > Well, if the Wicked Witch is squashed under a house with only her feet > sticking out, how can he claim--and this is a coroner, after all, he's > supposed to be a professional--that he has "thoroughly examined" her? > I find this really upsetting! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh most astute supplicant, your vigilance shall be rewarded. You have } uncovered one of the most insidious principles ever to elude and } decieve humanity, namely this: Munchkins lie like rugs. } } Oh yes, while they might *appear* to be sweet little people all full of } magic and happiness and love, in truth they possess souls of rotting, } maggot-infested putrefaction. Do you actually *believe* a spineless } munchkin would even get *close* to an alleged witch, much less } *examine* her? No! Instead, they filled poor Dorothy with a false } hope that the evil witch had been destroyed, when in fact it was } probably some hapless bystander who had the extreme misfortune to be } standing under a falling house. When the *real* witch showed up, the } munchkins executed an elaborate and convincing backtrack by feeding } Dorothy that bull about the witch's "sister". } } Why did they do this? To satisfy their own greed! The munchkins had } long been seeking a way to the Emerald City, which they fully intended } to break into small pieces and sell to a stolen jewelry dealer in } Miami. However, they lacked the [insert masculine form of munchkin } gonads here] to follow the yellow brick road to its end to confirm } whether or not the city was *actually* made of emerald, or just painted } green to lure the munchkins into the clutches of the Wizard, who had } been trying to get Oz' runaway crime rate under control before the } election. They felt that by subverting Toto through mystical munchkin } canine manipulation techniques and sending him with Dorothy to the } City, they could once and for all ascertain the value of said } municipality. By first convincing her that was the only way back to } Kansas, and then urging her on with the threat of the witch's "sister", } they finally talked her into making the hazardous journey... But of } course, you know that part. } } They eventually *did* make an attack on the City, but a munchkin } informer let the Wizard in on the plans, and they were all captured and } fed to the flying monkeys. } } I hope this clears things up. You owe the Oracle a laserdisc copy of } the Oliver Stone expose' implicating the Scarecrow in the Munchkin } Plot. And while you're at it, pick me up a laserdisc player also. --- 600-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Mr. Oracle, I've noticed that you and Rush Limbaugh have > never been seen in the same place at the same time, and you > both require people to grovel. Do you expect us to believe > this is a coincidence? Would you care to comment on this? > -Lois Lane And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good, you are asking the right questions. Now look at this, } folks. She could be a bit more polite about it; she could at } least do some grovelling herself, but I'm going to ignore } that, because there is a more important point here: THE } TRUTH. Stay with me, because she is hitting a key point, and } if people would just stay with the program, tune in for } twenty weeks, there would be a lot fewer confused liberals } in the world today. } } Now. Let's break this down. The Oracle is a USENET phenomenon. } As you all know I am a great fan and user of COPUSCURV. } The trouble with COPUSCURV is that it's preaching to the } choir. Obviously anyone with the native American intelligence } to pay by the minute to pay higher prices on randomly cancelled } air ticket reservations is going to be on COPUSCURV, not } USENET. So there is a dearth of TRUTH on the USENET. That's } where ORACLE comes in. You see where we're going here. It's } again, again it IS NOT the way Hilary's husband and the } democrats would have you think. We're talking about pure, } unadulterated TRUTH. Bear with me, the interesting part is } right after this... } } < commercial break > } } OK, we're on day 1,984 of America held Hostage... today is } a special show because I have deigned, I am STOOPING, to } answer a very good question that has been waiting to be } asked. Many people wonder about this, but NOBODY dares to } really say these things, the TRUTH I am about to give you. } } TRUTH is a singularity. Now this sounds kind of metaphysical } I know (hey cut that out). Physicists tell us that time } and energy are intimately related. The fact is, there can } only be ONE TRUTH, and therefore TRUTH CAN NOT BE IN TWO } PLACES AT THE SAME TIME. This means that as long as I am } not in the White House, this country is in big trouble. Of } course some have suggested... and I ask members of my } audience who may be unfamiliar with this NETWORK terminology } to forgive me -- some have suggested that there should } be a MAIL FORWARDING DEVICE set up on USENET to FORWARD } the TRUTH from the ORACLE to clinton@whitehouse.gov -- } now I am not going this far, for the sole reason that my } promotional contract with COPUSCURV will not allow it, } but we are trying to work something out. Now the } intelligent listener to this show -- is that redundant? } I mean, aren't all the listeners to this show intelligent? } I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. The AVERAGE } listener will realize, at this point, that since there } is ONLY ONE TRUTH, and the TRUTH is HERE, either I, Rush } Limbaugh, and the USENET ORACLE are ONE AND THE SAME, } or the USENET ORACLE is full of Bill. Make no mistake, } there are no other possibilities. Well, unfortunately } my contractual obligations with this network and with } COPUSCURV do not allow me to comment further. But } I think the intelligent listener, the AVERAGE listener, } will know the answer after putting in the required 20 } weeks BOTH HERE on THIS SHOW and on USENET, although } due to my contract with COPUSCURV I am not allowed } to recommend that anyone use USENET. --- 600-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear oracle out there somewhere, who's glorious name is spoken on the > highest mountains and in the deepest sea, please tell me: > > What would be a good name to call my cat? He is brown and tan, and has > lots of fur on him. > > love, gloria And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, first you must realise that the art of naming cats is never } based upon the features of the cat himself, but on the characteristics } of the owner. Anthromorphism will have its wicked way. As examples, the } most mean-tempered tabby will be characterised as "he's a good boy } really, it's just that if I take his dinner bowl before he's finished, } he'll 'ave my arm off" by a doting owner. The most loving and giving of } cats will be characterised as a "miserable annoyance" by a frustrated } and bitter owner. } } It's a well-known fact that pets can help us relieve our frustrations. } Serious medical studies have shown that pet owners have significantly } fewer blood pressure problems than non-pet owners. Naming pets can also } have a curative effect, as we can take the most repressed and hidden } parts of our personality and anthromorphise them onto our pet. I'll } explain with some case studies. } } Supplicant A was a meek librarian, living alone in a one room flat with } a shared bathroom. Try as he might, he couldn't get the courage to ask } his neighbour over for dinner. He settled on the name of 'Bonecrusher' } for his tortiseshell. His friends at the library saw how much more } peaceful he became, and renamed their pets 'Killer' (goldfish), 'Rambo' } (cocker spaniel), and 'Godzilla' (parakeet). To this day this library } is known as a light and cheery place to go, though a few visitors have } been confused when asked not to step on 'Escaped Serial Murderer'. } } Supplicant B was a slob. He used to lie on the couch watching sport all } day, wearing a three-day-old t-shirt and badly-fitting trousers with } his butt-crack showing. He named his pet ants Stravadarius, Plato, } Socrates, Oscar Wilde, Picasso, Beethovan, Mark Twain, (the other 100 } names deleted). At first things looked bad as visiting friends would } ask 'Do you even know who Plato was?' and he wouldn't. However, after } hundreds of laughing explanations by dismissive friends, he slowly } learnt the story behind each name, and slowly became known as an expert } on Art and Philosophy. Later he became famous for his ant-farm } scuptures, though people were mystified at all the ants being called } 'Bud'. } } Supplicant C is a high-flying businessman. She's well-known as a true } 'Art of the Deal'er, beating everyone at their own game and then some. } She specialised in buying up deadbeat companies, reversing their } fortunes, and selling them as vibrant, prosperous concerns. Never once } would she fail. She named her pet doberman John Major. } } Supplicant D prided himself on his clean lifestyle. He never drank, } smoked, ate red meat, always exercised regularly, and found himself a } career where he could live quietly in the country with his five pet } minks. He named them Mick, Keith, Ron, Bill, and Charlie. } } Finally, Supplicant E was a famous and highly original conceptual } artist. More than the content of her art, people were amazed at the } stunning originality of her ideas. She named her mainly brown, fluffy, } cat, 'Kitty', and so should you. } } You owe the Oracle a box of mini-chocolates for Dan Quayle (my pet } Rat). --- 600-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle > eternally wise, eternally sharp, eternally eternal... > > DID I WIN???? > > AM I CALLER NUMBER 9???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: "Caller number nine... you're on the air!" } Caller: "DID I WIN??" } Oracle: "Indeed you did! Why don't you tell our audience how I feel?" } Caller: "I'm elated! I'm so excited!!!" } Oracle: "Good, good. And now for your prize...." } Caller: "What's the prize? What did I win?" } Oracle: "Two tickets to be in the studio audience of the next taping of } 'Barney and Friends.'" } Caller: "AGGGHHHH!" (Hangs up) } Oracle: "If he grovels a little more, maybe next time he'll get } something a little nicer... like a date with Yoko Ono. This is } your rocking DJ Oracle, and next up we'll be hearing 'I Love You, } You Love Me' continuously until I receive $100,000 in tribute...." --- 600-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that the americans can't convict anyone of violent > crime, even when they record the incident on video tape? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, yes, you mean the guy that stabbed the tennis player. } } Well, he did get off Scot-free, but if he'd stabbed a German, } he'd have been in Dutch. } } You owe the Oracle a French cruller. --- 600-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle...What are the seven wonders of the modern world? I > know Dolly Parton is three and four, but I can't remember the rest... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dolly Parton may be a wonder of the world, but she is certainly not } two. I detect a double-entendre here; tsk tsk. } } At any rate, the seven wonders of the modern world are: } } 1) a cafe in Minneapolis, across the highway from the Sculpture } Gardens, which consists of four large rooms with amazingly high } ceilings, rather overdone, gaudy decor, including an amazing number of } plants, an eclectic collection of furniture constantly filled with } people, and the strangest, most impressive mix of alternative/freak } types for hundreds of miles around. } } 2) Wong Kei, a Chinese restaurant in London (near Leicester Square), } which is made up of three floors, including one where you sit at a } table with seven other people, and the paper table covering is divided } into quarter-circles so that part of it can be cleared off while the } six remaining people eat. The waiters are infamous for their rudeness, } from the cattle-like way you are herded to your floor and table to the } way they look away from you as they take your order to the way they } quickly drop your plates loudly in front of you. It's good food, by } the way, and cheap for London. } } 3) yes, Dolly Parton. } } 4) the Calumet Theater in Calumet, in the far upper peninsula in } Michigan. Built with city money when Calumet contained 80,000 people } in the height of the copper rush, it now sits in the middle of a } practical ghost town of 800 people in deepest BFE. The curtain, seats, } and walls are all amazingly cool and beautiful. } } 5) the train ride from Prague to Berlin, which passes along a river } through a deep valley, with cliffs on both sides, nearly the entire } trip. } } 6) The French Quarter of New Orleans. } } 7) The Chocolate Vault, Tecumseh, Michigan (a bit more than an hour } southwest of Detroit). In a building built in the 19th century, which } was a bank until a few years ago. Marble countertop, vintage ads and } photographs on the walls. The best chocolate ice cream in existence, } and Cokes of ten different flavors (the Oracle recommends the lemon). --- 600-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TEll me oracle, do you have a ham radio?.....or is it another pork > product? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, alas, there have been no hams on my radio since radio } drama ceased. Ah, those were the days.... } } [*-*-*-*-*] (Sorry, but the time-travel sound effect doesn't } work on your terminal.) } } [Slam! Trudge, trudge, trudge, creak!, trudge. Knock! Knock!] } } Just a minute! } } [Walk, walk, click, creak.] } } Hello. What can I do for you? } } This is Captain Oracle, ma'am. We've had reports of } } [Slam!] } } disturbing activity } } [Muffled] I don't know anything! Go away! } } in your -- Hmm! What a strange lady! } } [Trudge, trudge, trudge, creak!] } } [Thud!] } } Eh? } } [Thud! ThudThudThudThud!!!! Thud!] } } This bears looking into; I'll go around the back. } } [Trudge, trudge, trudge, rustle.] } } [Thud! ThudThudThudThud!!!! Thud!] } } Halt! In the Name of the Oracle! } } [High-pitched squeak] It's a fair cop, Orrie. Got me this time. } } And as for you, in the house there, the penalty for } harboring a woodchuck is... } } [Muffled] No! No! Have mercy! } } [Crackle sizzle rumble crunch] } [*-*-*-*-*] } } You owe the Oracle some better dialogue.