From oracle-request Sat Sep 25 22:13:22 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA03567; Sat, 25 Sep 1993 22:13:22 -0500 Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1993 22:13:22 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #594 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 594 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #594 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 25 Sep 1993 22:13:22 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 594 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 589 53 votes 4cmb4 47eia 18fhc 2ip62 2aog1 aqd31 1dkd6 7rd60 0gie5 98kb5 589 3.0 mean 3.0 3.4 3.6 2.8 3.1 2.2 3.2 2.3 3.2 2.9 --- 594-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We're all familiar with the everyday "noun": an object, a > thing, the focus of our speech. We also know of the "verb", that part > of speech which allows the noun to work. The "pronoun" comes in useful > at this point, an indicator to something previously made obvious in > the text. > > What confuses me, however, is the position of the "proverb" in > this complex simplicity of tongue with which most of us tangle every > day. Tell me...what is the derivation of it? > > I remain, > Clearly confused, > A. Supplicant. (Ms.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, that's right, with the new "proverbs" being introduced, you can } refer back to actions in previous sentences! No longer do you need to } mess with such redundancies as "See Dick run. Run, Dick, run", when you } can use the new proverbs (tm) to replace two runs! } } And now, we at the Oracle Language Institute are preparing to release a } new line of proadjectives and proadverbs to simplify descriptions as } well! } } Here are some samples of current Advanced Research at the Oracle } Language Institute: } } * probate: a specialized form for referring back to court cases and } fishing trips. } } * produce: for discussing card games } } * connouns: for reference to nouns that have NOT occurred previously. } } * prenouns: for reference to nouns that will shortly occur. } } * propositional phrases: our research indicates that not only could } this eliminate redundancy, but allow advanced forms of innuendo } in everyday speech! } } You owe the Oracle some good propositional phrases. --- 594-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Hammersmith The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who knows all, has done all and will experience more > than any other that walks in this universe. Please tell me why, out of > all of natures idosyncrocies of those that fly, Geese fly in a 'V' > formation. > > Skiman And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's not a V, Ski, that's a lambda, which represents the equivalent } wavelength of the individual geese "particles" as their speed varies. } } You owe the Oracle a quantum duck. --- 594-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Hammersmith The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Three gardens in Olympus were infested with pests, mammals > that ate the flowers. > > Jehovah made it rain for forty days and forty nights in his > garden, and drowned his groundhogs. Alas, he also flooded > his philodendrons! > > Jove swatted his woodchucks with lightning bolts, but alas, > he also fried his forsythia! > > The Oracle -- what did the Oracle do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm astonished you heard about those gardens. We all were rather } embarassed about the whole situation. I ted the horrid little } beasts, but zapped my zinnias. } } You owe the Oracle (and the rest of the Olympic Team) your promise to } keep quiet about this matter. --- 594-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose Campfire nightly burns more wood > than a w**dc**ck could handle in a lifetime, > > The wind always changes to blow the smoke from mine > right in my face, and everyone says, "It is ever so." > > While playing with the dog, I had an idea: > if I were to run around the fire in a circle, > perhaps the wind's chain would get ever shorter, > the night air would become still, > and the smoke ascend undisturbed to the heavens. > > But then I thought perhaps the wind is chainless, > and my circling would provoke a tornado, > and I cautiously did not try my idea. > > Last night, a further thought came to me, > which struck me with awe and filled me with terror, > and I knew at once that I must ask, > > what would happen if I were to run around the wrong way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I almost want to Zot you for almost spoiling your grovel with a globbed } variant of... but let's get on with your question. } } Of course the wind is chainless. Just imagine what any planet with an } atmosphere would look like if all the winds would be chained to it. } Guide rails holding the other ends of the chains would cover it } entirely, leaving no space for wood to grow to be used for a campfire. } } The wind is just the force that takes the smoke from the fire to your } face. } } The smoke is what is actually chained, and as you, poor supplicant, } have experienced, it is chained between the campfire and your face. } Actually, there are two chains: the primary one spanning between the } campfire and your face, working as a guide chain, and the secondary one } actually holding the smoke near the primary chain, on it's way from the } fire to your face. The fire itself cares for the secondary chain } (which is inborn to the smoke) to be put onto the primary chain (which } is inborn to the fire). Only after reaching the end of the primary } chain, the secondary chain gets off the primary one, allowing the smoke } to ascend away from you. Even if you lay down beside the fire and } bring your face near the ground, or dig a hole to hold your face lower } than the fire, the smoke will reach your face. } } This principle holds true for any fire ignited by mortals for what they } consider their enjoyment. Non-smokers who ever sat with smokers at one } table know that the smoke from the cigarettes always drifts into } *their* faces, and only there (before leaving the primary chain and } ascending towards the ceiling). If you hated campfires, you would } notice that the smoke from any of your campfires was blowing in the } direction directly opposite of you. However, if you hated campfires, } you would not notice it because you would not ignite one unless you } really had to. } } A chain-smoker actually enjoys the presence of the double smoke chain, } regardless of where it goes or what he is smoking, be it joints, } cigars, pipes, or whatever. (A pipe-smoker, for comparison, enjoys how } smoothly the chains are guided inside the pipe, if it is a good pipe.) } Indeed, a chain smoker may even light a cigarette and then leave it } there, on the ashtray on the table, enjoying how inevitably the primary } smoke chain goes to the face of a non-smoker. (If there is more than } one non-smoker sitting at the table, the primary smoke chain attaches } itself to the one of them disliking cigarettes most.) } } So your question is what happens to the smoke chain if you were to run } around the campfire in either direction. Your supposition might be } that the primary chain gets wound up around the fire if you run around } it clockwise, causing the smoke to stay near the fire and quench it, } and that the screw fixing the primary chain to the center of the fire } gets loose if you run around it counter-clockwise, causing the fire to } be unable to put the secondary chains of the smoke clouds onto the } primary chain, making them ascend diretly from the fire. However, } neither will work because after thousands of years of fires having to } put up with humans attracting the other ends of their primary smoke } chains, they have learned how to hold the chains in a way that they } never wind up and never get loose. } } Your only choice is to give up making campfires, or to find others to } camp with who don't like campfires as much as you do. } } You owe the Oracle a smokeless campfire. --- 594-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who would it be wiser to watch, Dave or Jay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the Oracle is usually too busy watching C-SPAN or the Exxxtasy } network, but isn't Arsenio still on? Now really, if you need help with } a question this simple, you should just superglue your remote control } on the Home Shopping Club. I hear they've got a big night of } Diamonique and Black Hills gold coming up right after the Linda Evans } fashion collection ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --- 594-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ME ZOG. ZOG WANT WOMAN. MAMMOTH TOO. MAMMOTH YUMMY. EAT MAMMOTH > WITH WOMAN. LIKE MAKE PICTURES ON CAVE WALL. PICTURES OF MAMMOTH. > AND WOMAN. > > HOW GET WHAT WANT? > > UH YEH. GROVEL. UM, ORACLE BIG AND HAIRY AND NOT SMELL SO BAD LIKE > UGH. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hillary, I *told* you to keep him away from the terminal! } } You owe the Oracle socialized fast food. --- 594-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is your family name? I don't ask questions to strangers! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The family name is subsumed under the general phylogenetic order. --- 594-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wrgl. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a quiet day at 42 Delphi Drive, on Mount Olympus, } at least from the lofty viewpoint of Himself. } } True, down in the bowels of the 42 sub-basements, } frenetic activity unfolds at a fearful pace, but aloft, } on high in the aerie of the executive suite, life is sweet, } and tranquility reigns supreme. } } The Oracle, Himself, is seated in a commodious leather } Chair, a Chair which adjusts 42 different ways, and can } rock, rotate, swivel, or even glide around the rug on golden } casters. At this moment, the Chair is located next to the } Oracular Desk, a gleaming expanse of polished mahogany quite } as large as any aircraft carrier's deck, and unencumbered by } any shred of paper. } } The Oracle tosses an antique ivory cue ball out to the very } edge of the Desk, with tremendous backspin, and, while the } ball is still in the air, pushes with his feet to rotate his } Chair. } } Around he spins! Once, twice, thrice, forty-two times!, and } as the Chair slows to a stop the ball lands softly in his } Lap. The Oracle smiles a Smile of perfect contentment. } } Much more dramatic events are about to transpire below, and } so we shift our focus to the nethermost sub-basement. } } Here, we see a row of Priests chained to rusty metal } lawn-chairs in front of ancient monochrome terminals. } JonMon is playing adventure, and has got as far as the } wellhouse but is baffled. Harold, as is his wont, is } contemplating his toes at close range. The Lion regards } himself in a mirror, wondering if the part in his hair is } perfectly symmetrical. The Wumpus sleeps. A relaxed air of } inexpectancy pervades the room. } } Shifting our focus again, having found that last room rather } drab and dull, we examine the Cave of Demons. Here we find } gnashing and wailing, as powerful demons bound by mighty } spells are compelled to read an endless stream of Questions } submitted by supplicants, and perform the first-level } screening. } } > What is the best pickup line in history? } > Is it polite to boil people in oil? } > could I talk to myself? } > Why am I not happy? } > Will the cat land on its feet? } > why don't elephants wear tophats? } > Which came first, the chicken or the egg? } > Hmm? } > why do mathematics suck? } > Where are my car keys? } } Question after Question is deemed unworthy of further } attention, and sent out to be answered by other supplicants; } some are deemed so unworthy that they are forwarded to the } Woodchuck Hole for answering; as each Question is read, a } demon howls in pain. } } Suddenly we hear a shriek and a laugh, but such a laugh as } few mortals have heard and lived to tell -- a Question has } arrived, a Question of such depth and profundity and cosmic } significance that it can be referred to higher levels! } } Perhaps this will be the One. Perhaps this will be the } Question the Oracle Cannot Answer, and then it will all fall } apart, the demons unbound, the palace tumbling to the } ground, the woodchucks unleashed, the Priests unchained... } The demon sends the Question onwards, and laughs. } } Back on level -42, a terminal beeps; as it happens, it is } DarkMage's terminal. He scans the words in front of him, and } whinges, "Steve, you'd best have a bludge at this cobber; } I think this bunt might have asked The Question." } } Steve stops playing with his organ and brings up the message } on his screen. He gasps, and his face goes pale. With } trembling fingers, he forwards the message to the Top. } } Twenty-one revolutions through his record-setting } ninety-ninth repetition of his miraculous feat, the Oracle } is interrupted by the gong. He brings his Chair to a stop, } and the ball falls unattended to the floor and rolls under } the Couch. } } The Oracular Crystal Ball lights up, and fiery letters begin } to glow in the air; the Oracle reads them. } } It is the One, the Unanswerable, the Final Query. } } Not for nothing, however, is the Oracle the Oracle; he has } prepared for this moment, knowing it would someday come. } } He wrinkles his Brow, and a transtemporal channel is opened; } he flexes his Pinkie, and a cloud of electrons flies out, } through the channel, across time, and into the supplicant's } keyboard. } } The supplicant, in the act of pressing ^D, receives a shock from his } keyboard! His whole hand smashes into the keyboard, erasing his } Question and sending a nonsense phrase. } } The fiery letters in the Oracle's Office fade to the form of } "Wrgl." } } The Oracle reaches for his Intercom and depresses the } mother-of-pearl activator. "Joanie! Memo to Kinzler: Why are } you bothering me for a Nonsense Query? You and your crew are } working double shifts this weekend." } } You owe the Oracle a new antique ivory cue ball. --- 594-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I do something that's going to take a bit of time, my > Windows(tm-NOT!) system displays an hourglass. > How many grains of sand are in it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } None. It's filled with little tiny Bill Gateses laughing at you. } } You owe the Oracle a paranoid computer. --- 594-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Blake writes, > "Great things are done when men and mountains meet; > these are not done by Jocelyn in the street." > > Who's Jocelyn? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? No grovel? Supplicant, you truly deserve to be zotted for your } presumption. However, the Oracle is in a good mood today, so it'll only } be a very small zot... } } } } As for your question -- Jocelyn is one of the great literary mysteries } than humanity is not ready for the answer to. Be thankful, Supplicant, } that your question has not been answered, for the answer to your } question would certainly melt your neurons and cause copious quantities } of smoke to curl upward toward the heavens from your ears... } } It may be instructive to consider some of Jocelyn's relatives, such as } Shakespeare's mysterious "Toby": } } "Toby or not Toby, that is the question, } "Whether 'tis nobler..." (you should know the rest...) } } You should fing the five others with only about 500 hours research in a } good library. } } You owe the Oracle Jocelyn's phone number, and a decent grovel.