From oracle-request Thu Sep 16 07:02:17 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA01431; Thu, 16 Sep 1993 07:02:17 -0500 Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1993 07:02:17 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #592 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 592 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #592 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1993 07:02:17 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 592 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 587 49 votes 79ea9 1d9h9 26fk6 9dea3 1bfi4 6hd49 38gf7 08gg9 bib90 5fg94 587 3.1 mean 3.1 3.4 3.4 2.7 3.3 2.9 3.3 3.5 2.4 2.8 --- 592-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Hammersmith The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The sun shines fondly on Castle Oracle, whose > battlements and turrets reflect its approval with smug > self-satisfaction. > > Beach, the Oracle's butler, is setting up for high tea on > the lush green lawn. Incidental tables, silver trays and > teapots, crumpets and a certain 17th century silver cow creamer... > > Shortly, the Oracle emerges, and takes his seat and a > crumpet. As he sips his tea, he gazes contentedly upon the > peaceful scene, and enjoys the melodious chirping of the > colorful birds. > > "Tea!" says the Oracle. "Tea, tea, tea! Capital!" > And he adds, perhaps redundantly, "Tea!" > > Woodchuck, the Oracle's cat, jumps up into his lap, curls > up, and purrs sonorously. > > All is well in Olympus, as serene and peaceful as indeed it > always should be. > > Meanwhile, in a dark and sunless cave in Indiana, > whose walls are encrusted with a scabrous infestation of > obsolete printouts, Pongo Thistleton, a dork, and winless > apprentice wizard, whose visage is encrusted with a scabrous > infestation of face pizza, sits down at a battered old > ADM-3, whose keyboard is encrusted with a scabrous > infestation of old fingerprints, and prepares to type an > incantation. > > Pongo types "mali Oarcle". A look of disappointment crosses > his face. The incrustation of the keyboard grows thicker. On > Olympus, the Oracle deeply inhales the floral perfume wafted > by the gentle breeze. > > Many minutes later, Pongo has finally managed to get the > invocation right. By this time, the Oracle has drifted off > into a peaceful slumber, aided by a friendly cloud, who has > interposed its body between the Oracle and the sun, and by the > birds, who have muted their threnodies in order not to disturb > the Oracular nap. > > "mail Oracle", types Pongo, and the Oracle is invoked. > Rudely awakened from his blissful rest, he finds himself, > not in the Land of Nod, nor even upon Olympus, but rather in > a dank and funless cave, a claustrophobic closet too small > for him to stand erect. > > This is no problem for a Being as powerful as the Oracle. > He adjusts his volume to fit the room, and awaits the > Question. The room is no longer as dark as it was, being > graced by the Oracle's presence. > > Pongo looks up at the Oracle, blinking in the unaccustomed > light, and breathes, "Wow!". > > The Oracle ponders deeply for a long nanosecond and decides > this ejaculation might be an acceptable Grovel. He speaks: > ____ _____ > /____/ \ /____ / \ /| / > /| \ /| /| \ / | | / > | |______| | |/ \ _____ | | / > |/_______| | \ /____ / \ | |/ \ > | | | | \ /| |/| \ \ > | | | | / \ _____|/ | | \ \ > |/ |/ \ /_____/ |/ \ / > > Oops! CRT tubes blow out, and printouts flutter down from > the walls. The Oracle, still a bit out of sorts after his > sudden awakening, readjusts his volume to fit the room, and > speaks again: > _ > /\ |_ _ _ / \ _ _|_ . _ _ > /--\ S |\ \_/ (_) |_| | \_\ |_| (= S |_ | (_) | | > _/ > The apprentice is filled with fear; he had not expected the > Oracle to appear in person, nor had he realized how > intimidating such a Presence might be. His intended Question > vanishes from his mind: he feels blank and punless. > > Pongo stammers out a Question in desparation. He asks: And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Why me?" } } The Oracle ponders for a moment, and says, } } "Why not?" } } Pongo thinks deeply, and protests with all the poetry and power hidden } deeply within his soul. He takes a deep breath, and very purposefully } says, "Huh?" } } The Oracle is taken aback for a moment. Then, realizing that his } answer was not understood, attempts to breathe life into the gray } morass that is Pongo's brain. } } "Why should it not be you who lives off of Yoo-hoo and Pop-Tarts whilst } others eat fresh lamb and caviar? Why should it be anyone other than } Pongo who sits at home every weekend and wonders what women look like } up close? Why should it not be your toes that fat women step upon in } the movie theater, your knees that attempt to pass through short fences } without your permission, your groin that gets smashed by a foul ball, } your chest that is sunken and hairless, or your forehead that the } seagulls relieve themselves upon?" } } Pongo ponders this for almost a minute before he realizes why this } seems so wrong. Eloquently, he communicates his displeasure. "That's } not fair!" } } The Oracle smiles slightly and asks, "Do you wish that these things } would happen to somebody else?" } } Pongo smiles. At last, he thinks, some justice! The Oracle will put } forth his great power and make me equal with everyone else. He will be } fair. "Yes, wise Oracle. Yes, I wish these things happened to somebody } else." } } The Oracle smiled a little wider. "Is that not a most foul thing to } wish on somebody? That their chest sink and their head be fouled by } seagulls? That their groins be assaulted by fast moving leather balls } and their toes be smashed by Hilda the Mountain Woman? What kind of } person would wish those things upon somebody else?" } } Pongo shrugged. } } "A very bad person, Pongo. A very very bad person. Somebody like that } would deserve to have those things happen to them. So you see, Pongo, } it's just justice that things happen to you. Why should they happen to } anyone else, when you deserve it so much?" } } Pongo collapsed in a little pile of pitifitality. } } "Pongo?" } } "Yes, oh great wise one?" } } "You owe the Oracle a cup of warm tea and a twist of logic." --- 592-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Magical, SuperHuman, SexPot, Maxim Mertifolia, whose Ambrosia > annoints the masses who do not realise what a SuperBeing thou art, > and your sentiments are the learning mediums for us unworthy > supplicants, I would give you all I own if I knew where you lived, > and I would even give you my wife for your services as a Celluar > Query Answering Processor...... > > Pray Tell the answer to this Humble Question. > > What is life? > This is a stupid thing to show gareth that this dumm thing works! > > Oh Thank You Oh Mighty one! > I treasure your reply as much as I treasure my life. And if I where > to hold a feast in your honour, there would be no space left at the > table for all the civilised world would be there to see you, and you > alone! > Thank You Master. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What supplication! What groveling! What is your address, that I may } come collect the many offerings you spoke of? } } I'm afraid the answer to your question may be quite a blow to your } psyche (it always is, for mere mortals that ask about life.) } } Life, simply put, is that pithy little continuum between birth and } death. That's it. Rather depressing, huh? Oh yeah, with some sex, } drugs, and rock and roll thrown in, but then that's it. Really. Your } best bet is to make it real slow up until you die, and then taper off. } I'm not kidding. Really. } } Oh, stop it. Wipe that look off of your face. That doesn't mean the } *partying* can't go on forever. Yeesh. Never confuse life with } partying. The fridge can never be too full. Stock up. I may drop in } (reinforce the floors). } } Oh, unless you were talking about that Milton Bradley board game } thingy... } } You owe the Oracle a free spin and a trip to Millionare Acres, and that } wife you promised. --- 592-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, who can jump the highest mountain, swim the widest > ocean, and all those other things that only happen in rock songs these > days, > > Why did you not zot the merchandisers of B*r**y the Dino**ur? Your > failure in your omnipotence to wipe out such a threat to humanity (and > Oracularity) has caused pain to millions. Please explain your > inactions. > Yours annoyingly, > One Angry Supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has been anything but inactive in the matter. I will } relate to the tragic results of my attempts. } } I tuned on my TV to the local PBS station, and sure enough, } there was Paleolithic Purple staring me in the face. I sharpened } up my largest lightning bolt, preparing to hurl it using the strongest } Oracular magic through the television set, to rid the world of this } evil menace once and for all. } } Just then, Jurassic Pork began to glow with the love and } adoration of thousands of happy yuppie larvae all across TV land. } The lightning bolt diffused itself in a purple shimmer of pure } affection, and we all began to sing together, "I love you, you } love me, we're a happy family..." and all seemed well. } } It seems there is one force in the universe even the Mighty } Oracle can not defeat. } } You owe the oracle a stuffed plush purple dinosaur doll, plus } two complimentary entrance passes to Jurassic Park. } } P.S. -- Normally I'd fry you for insinuating that the Oracle } would fail to attempt to rid the world of such a danger, but right } now, I think it would be better if we all became friends. Do you } want to be my friend? I want to be your friend... --- 592-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh powerful and beautiful Oracle, whose every TCP/IP connection gives > me more and more reason to believe... > > After having my computer for only 3 months, I find my personality to be > somewhat disoriented. I should never have started using a handle, let > alone two of them. But anyway, enuf of my fragmentation... > > I have met a girl on-line, exchanged pics (no I am not only into her > mind) and now find myself lacking the proper social empathy to continue > with a relationship that surely will fail. > > Her picture is okay, she seems to be stable, more so than me...but > well... How does this work? Are the consequences of real-live meetings > worth it? > > Prostrated before my terminal, awaiting your generous, and -free > reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How does this work? Simple. } } 1 You and she meet on the net. You find each other attracted } to your net personas. } } 2 You exchange pictures that might or might not be of you. } } 3 You meet in person to share a self-conscious yet flighty } dinner. } } 4 You do it again. } } 5 You start going out on dates (consisting chiefly of dinosaur } movies and Steven King novels-cum-cinema-effects). } } 6 After three dates, you get engaged. Parents express } gratitude to deities that there really is "somebody for } everybody." } } 7 The Ceremony. } } 8 Ten to twelve years of watching Dr. Who reruns and reminiscing } about old RPG games. } } 9 Realization that you're both still total geeks. } } 10 Decision to remain together because you'd only look for love } on the net again and start the procedure at step 1. Possibly } with each other, ironically. } } Is it worth it? Depends on what you think of Time Lords. } } You owe the Oracle a sonic screwdriver. --- 592-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Hammersmith The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there any sence of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor Supplicant. Weeping so hard he can't even find the "s" key } better than two tries out of three... } } Let's see... latex... lemurs... liberation... life, baboon... life, } frog... life, human, point of. Page 64018541295729. . Rats. No consensus. I'm afraid I'm going to have to } summarize for you; one of these should be correct. } } BAPTISM, AS PRACTICED BY BLACKS: Not really, but paradise is coming. } Let's sing. } } BAPTISM, AS PRACTICED BY WHITES: Not really. Have you been saved? } Are you sure? Have you washed yourself in the blood of the Lamb? How } often? Have you witnessed? Are you ready for the Rapture? Okay, } time for Tammy to sing. You all just shut up and listen. } } BUDDHISM, "HIGH" TRADITIONS: No. It's all maya, so give the monks } everything you own and go out begging. } } BUDDHISM, "LOW" TRADITIONS: Depends. Go make a lot of money, keep } most of it, and build temples with the rest; that'll get you a really } cool rebirth. Nirvana can wait. } } CATHOLICISM: Yes. Make lots more Catholics and after you die, watch } everybody else roast in Hell for eternity. } } CHURCH OF LATTER DAY SAINTS: Yes. Have lots of kids, adopt lots of } kids, wear magic underclothing, and work your way up to God. } } CONFUCIANISM: Yes. When you're old you can boss around your kids. } } EPISCOPALIAN: Yes. Martinis. } } GNOSTICISM: Yes, but we can't tell you what it is. God will, though. } } HINDU: Yes. Make a lot of money and give it to the Brahmins and maybe } someday you get to have sex in all the ways the temple statuary } depicts. (If you're a milkmaid, hang in there-- Krishna's coming } back.) } } ISLAM, SHIITE AND SUNNI: Yes. Grease the infidels. } } ISLAM, SUFI: Yes. See Allah and enter Paradise. } } ISLAM, WESTERN APOLOGIST CONVERT: Yes, but only if you go ahead and } ignore all the nasty bits of law you don't like, like polygamy, and } forbidding women to drive, and drinking, and the pledge to throw the } Jews in the sea... } } ISLAM, WESTERN EDUCATED ARAB: Yes, but only if you go ahead and ignore } all the nasty bits of law you don't like, like drinking, and the } pledge to throw the Jews in the sea... } } JEWISH: So why do you think there's no sense in life? } } JEWISH, QABBALIST: Yes, and with just a little more work on the } Tetragrammaton, we can tell you what it is. } } KALI WORSHIPPER: Yes. Be a convenient villain for remarkably } uncreative epics set in South Asia. } } TAOISM: The angst that can be comforted is not the true angst. } } TETRAGYNISM: Yes. But you'll need two more ovaries to have a chance } at it. } } UNITARIANISM: Yes. Any sense you find is a perfectly valid way to } achieve salvation. } } ZOROASTRIANISM: No. Your religion is dead. Get a life. --- 592-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise and wonderful, please grant your lowly suplicant an > answer to her question: > > Is there life after college, and if there is, how can I find it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Your answer, oh humble supplicant, is covered by the following } generalized response. Generalized responses are one of many ways that } we at Oracle, Inc. deal with the high request volumes that we recieve } every day. We assure you that this answer is in no way compromises the } quality or accuracy that we are known for, and it carries the Oracle's } 3P Guarantee: Precision, Profundity, Pay up within 7 days or be Zotted. } } GA#6: "Is there life after college?" } } It is not uncommon for college students to be worried by this question. } The answer, while relatively easy, cannot be generalised for all fields } of study. If you find that your major is not covered by the following } list, simply send a second request to the Oracle } (oracle@cs.indiana.edu) detailing your major, and we will send a second } response, free of charge. } } Majors: } } Anthropology: Get your doctorate and maybe, just maybe you'll manage } tenure at some tiny college in the far future. At any rate, your life } will be dependent on college forever, unless you manage to get work in } field studies. In that (rare) case, you will still be dependent on } college for your life, but at least you will be very far away from } college. } } Archaeology: See above, except that your field work will be in either } Montana or Alberta, the only places with less interesting night life } than a primitive village. } } Astrology: You have been duped by a fake mail-order "university." Sue } now, and don't worry: your life will never have anything to do with } college! } } Astronomy: Figure out where the major telescopes are and who runs them. } You already know that you have no life unless NASA starts hiring again. } } Astrophysics: Unless you are a tall blonde female who looks like Kelly } McGillis, with a Ph.D and an interest in naval aviators who look like } Tom Cruise, you are dead. } } Biology: Yes, there is life after college, but it will involve one of } four scenarios: working with disgusting living organisms with } profitable properties, working with living organisms that would be } disgusting if they weren't so ridiculously tiny, working with } disgusting organisms in your capacity as a high school teacher, or } working with DNA/RNA/PCR. If the latter is the case, you will also be } rich. } } Botany: You should have been a biologist. At least then you would have } had a one in four chance. } } Business Administration: You will eat well and live better until the } SEC catches up with you. Relax and enjoy! } } Chemistry: Like biology, but your choices are dangerous rather than } disgusting, and your chances for a life after college are reduced by } your chances of blowing yourself (and various classmates) through a } wall in an ill-fated lab experiment. } } Computer Science: Your life after college will be one spent largely in } a windowless room creating applications software. Don't worry: you will } be perfectly happy with your new life, although others (including } dropout programmers) may use you as evidence of the subjectivity of a } good life. } } Cosmology: Look to Carl Sagan. He is the one Cosmologist with a life } after college. Until he dies, your chances of a life after college are } zero. } } Education: You are going to become a school teacher. You will think you } have a life after college, but your definition of a life is rather } unambitious. } } Engineering: You will go on to a good career after college, but the } highlight of your life will forever be the day in your sophmore year } when you and your buddies built a potato cannon and blew three upstairs } windows out of the Delts' frat house. } } English: Once in a decade, a writer comes along who really shakes up } the literary establishment. Most of them have no formal training in } writing novels. Sorry, but you'd be best off editing phone books and } hoping for an early retirement. } } Geography: Count yourself lucky if you can manage to get work as a } teacher. } } Geology: Bummer. Bet you never thought that 100-level "Rocks for } Jocks" course would lead you to your current path, Hm? As you already } know unless you are deluded, your best hope for a life now is to have } an interesting hobby. } } History: Prospects uncertain, but grim at best. You are pretty much } stuck with trying to do some graduate studies in the forlorn hope of } someday being hired to do a job that you have never been trained for. } } Kinesiology: You will become a professional athlete if you are good, } but barring that slim chance, you will become a PE teacher. That is not } a life. Take up golf and get a job in a pro shop. } } Law: You will be haunted by lawyer jokes throughout your life, and } rightly so. } } Mathematics: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! } OHOHOHOHHOHOHHHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!! You math dudes just crack me up. } No life possible, unless you can make use of your Comp. Sci. minor. } } Meteorology: If you are lucky and have a good TV face, ("Q-factor") you } may enjoy the exalted position of evening news weathercomedian. Pray } for this, as the other alternatives are too depressing to contemplate. } } Medicine: You will be rich and envied. More likely, though, you will } drop out and take History. } } Philosophy: You already know that your life is going to revolve around } tenure until your dying day, but it gets worse: when you explain at } cocktail parties that you studied Esthetics, people will translate this } to "interior decorator." } } Physics: Your life will not revolve around a campus, as you will find } gainful employment (i.e. a life) in the private sector, but you will } forever be envious of your comrades who never found a life outside of } the University and who now get to play with really cool Big Science } equipment like particle accelerators. } } Theology: God help you! (But don't worry, he will.) } } Zoology: Your opportunities also include working at a zoo, but you see } yourself as above such things (not to mention in moral opposition to } them). As for the rest, see botany, above. } } You owe the Oracle(LL.D, Ph.D, B.Sc, M.A., PEng) 15 undergraduate } credits and a list of the ten best party universities on the planet. --- 592-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > \begin {grovel} > Oh high and mighty Oracle, > So quite phantasmagorical, > Oh please please please please please > I beg thee on my knees, > \end{grovel} > > \begin{question} > As I near the end of life as a student, I find myself working on > my Ph.D. thesis using a very appropriate ''document preparation > system''. However, in spite of all its advantages, \LaTeX\ can be > painful from time to time. In my case, I want to make a certain > symbol but I don't know how. The symbol I mean is very much like > the square bracket ('['), but it has a double vertical bar instead > of a single one. Leslie Lamport remains silent where this symbol > is concerned, so could you please please tell me how to make this > symbol in \LaTeX\ (and its right hand partner)? My graduation > depends upon it. > > A Desperate Supplicant, carefully wiping the dust from your shoes. > \end{question} And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } \begin{Oracular} } \begin{answer} } } O foolish student, you ask about vertical bars.. } dost thou not know that the only good bars are } those where thou dost come out horizontal, PI eyed } spaced out and legless like the humble apostrophe. } Drink thereof at the font of knowledge (12pt strong) } and thou shalt go ZapfDingbats and believe. } In the world where the pen is mightier than the sword, } writers who live by LaTeX die by LaTeX. } } There is a story from the old time, which tells of how a scribe by } the name of Lamport descended into the stygian pits of one such } drinking pit with his friend Doble Elbrak Wisely wishing not to } get lost in the labyrinth of \subsection{old quarter of the city}, } they marked his initials on each street corner \ref{LL}. } } When he emerged alone, the air reminded him that he had imbibed } too fully, the world swam and he kneeled, clenching the roadside, } all the time crying "get a ladder quick!" Looking to the street } corner he sought his mark, but to his weary and reddened eyes his } initials blurred and doubled [[[[[[[[[[[[ and coalesced, reminding } him of his friend. } } \begin{verbatim}Elbrak he shrieked Ellllbraaak!\end{verbatim}... } but unless he spake in the language of the brothers of Dn-Al-Knuth, } none could understand him, so he summoned his strength and with } one final effort he cried } } \lbrack\!\lbrack } } and all was well. } } \end{answer} } \end{Oracular} --- 592-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise and gracious and all-knowing and omniscient and incredibly > neato Oracle, > > now that Yassir Arafat and the Israeli Prime Minister have signed a > peace treaty, what the heck is going to happen to the Middle-East? > > Humbly anticipating, > - Suppl? I can't. (remove all punctuation and spaces... sigh...) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, there was something mentioned at the last meeting of the OAW } (Omnipotent Association of the Worlds) meeting about hell freezing } over, but I just thought that was Thor being grandiose again. } Apparently not. } } Here's a list of other things you can expect to happen: } } 1> Bill Clinton will admit that he did, in fact, inhale. } 2> The Chicago river will run the way it was intended to by nature. } 3> It will be revealed that H. Ross Perot is actually the gnome from } the story "3 billy-goats gruff". } 4> Oliver North and Tip O'Neil will run on a split-party ballot for } Presidant - and win. } 5> It will be revealed that the Royal family of Britain and the } Kennedies are actually the same people. } 6> The mayor of Los Angeles will announce that all vacant lots will be } used for farming purposes. } } Other than that, things will be pretty much normal. Oh, and they'll be } shooting each other again in a week or two, anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Rosh Hoshanna prayer, written in } Arabic. --- 592-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose picnics are never spoiled by rain or ants, whose car > stereo never gets stolen, whose grass does not grow so he need not cut > it, whose pets never run away from home, and whose porridge is never > too hot and never too cold, > > Why are my picnics always being spoiled by rain and ants, my car > stereos always being stolen, my grass always growing, my pets always > running away from home, and my porridge always being either too hot or > too cold? How can I be more like you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh most humble and penitant petitioner (what a mighty fine suck-up that } was!) } } Your questions, unlike most of the petty, insignificant drabble foisted } on me by witless twads with terminals and too much time on their hands, } I find most interesting. Your most excellent cheese-eating will not go } unrewarded. } } It pains me to say, however, that your first question needn't have been } asked. You are on the path to wisdom, and already know the answer } yourself. Syllogism (a greek work meaning 'something stuck in your } throat') is rampant in your verbiage, and from this I can see that you } understand, beneath your eyes blinded by the injustices of the mortal } world, deep down you *know* that the reason your picnics are spoiled by } rain and ants, your car stereos stolen, your grass growing, your pets } abanoning your dreadful earthbound existance like Kafka from a Roach } Motel, and your porridge not adequately climatcontrolled is simply } because you have not yet achieved the enlightenment that gives me } freedom from these things. } } But as to how you can be more like me? ...well- that's a price not many } mere mortals are willing to pay. You could sit under a tree by a river } somewhere until it just comes to you, but understand that you have to } be overweight to try this as you could be waiting for quite some } time... } ...or you could wander the MidEast telling people to just love each } other until some wacky Jews nail you to a tree, but that's not much fun } either. My personal favorite way to achieve enlightenment is do drink } to the outer limits of excess, overdose on a bizarre combination of } drugs and jelly doughnuts, and then have a myocardial infarction on a } toilet, but that's an individual bias of mine, on account of the fact } that I enjoy the mean games of chess I've been having with Elvis for } the last ten years... } } You owe the Oracle the original broadway cast recording of "Chess", a } black velvet Elvis painting, a Blaupunkt, and an ant farm. --- 592-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle... Whose wisdom exceeds that of the Ages... Whose IQ > is greater than the number of stars in the heavens... Whose Oracle > RDBMS never returns any errors. Your humble supplicant asks this > trivial question. > > Why do cars with open doors try to confuse people by telling them that > their door is actually "a jar"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course it's a jar. All cars have mutable components. That's why } they can turn into a street. } } You owe the Oracle a jar of Guava jelly. (Oh, and some peanut butter } too.)