From oracle-request Thu Aug 26 14:25:05 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA09073; Thu, 26 Aug 1993 14:25:05 -0500 Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1993 14:25:05 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #588 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 588 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #588 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 26 Aug 1993 14:25:05 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 588 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 583 56 votes 9geg1 6ehd6 2dfga 6hh88 4hdf7 3agha 07jdh 4fkb6 8cgc8 ya228 583 3.0 mean 2.7 3.0 3.3 2.9 3.1 3.4 3.7 3.0 3.0 1.9 --- 588-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I get rid of > the "Drooling Woodchuck" curse? > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, foolish mortal! You have asked one too many questions like } 'How much wood', or 'How many boards', or something like that! } Well, my supplicant, the Drooling Woodchuck curse is actually a } disease custom created for the Oracle by the US government. } (Actually, they think it's a new, incredibly toxic nerve gas, but } I won't tell them if you won't.) It was Lisa's idea, you see, to } stop the overuse of ZOTs and, instead, torment foolish } supplicants by sending them the Drooling Woodchuck curse. } } Symptoms of the Drooling Woodchuck curse are initially just a } tendency to froth at the mouth at inopportune occasions, but as } the disease progresses, you will become attracted to logs and } other bits of trees. You will find yourself crouching down and } growing hair in strange places. Eventually, you will become } completely covered in thin beige hair, and you will be unable to } help yourself from tearing up trees and throwing them over your } shoulder. You will become a scientific oddity, and the Ringling } Bros. circus will be the only people willing to hire you. For } the rest of your miserable life, people will stare at you, poke } you with sticks, and laugh out loud. } } Now don't you wish you hadn't asked that stupid Woodchuck question? --- 588-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear most gracious Oracle, who understands that I need not grovel > overly since I have been such a faithful supplicant in the past and I > am in a rush, please riddle me this: > Why is it that the highest ratings in the Usenet Oracularities > invariably go to the least funny questions/answers and the ones that > make me chuckle are rated lowest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi, I am the E^H^H^Hgreat and powerfl^B^B^Bul Oracle, and I will } attempt to answer^Z } 1093 } fg } your question! Sheeze, who am I kidding. I just moved into my } dorm and I saw the posting on the commons cork board. When I } showed up there was nobody here but some guy who saiD^Hd they } were all off at a party and catching fruit from the naval of } some girl named Lisa. Is she a freshman? Does she live in } Beevis Hall? ^H^H^H I'm sorry mister, I've got problems of } my own. } } I took the placement to get in and someone actually wrote on } my answer sheet, "Kid, If you find a village without an idiot, } you're set for life." I thin^H^H^Hk pranks like that are mean. } But, since this is a state funded college and I live here, they } have^B^B^BTO TAKE ME. } } Plus, by roomy, Biff, said he just discovered netnews and he } thought it'd be funny^H^H^H^B^B to send a message to alt.serious } that just said "Bite Me" so he did and somebody mailed a copy } of /usr/dict/words to the campus computer and I have to go talk } to some lady named Sissy Admin and I think a lot of people are } really browned off, but it wasn't ME^B^B^B^Bit was Biff. } } Speaking of ^P^P^Ppranks, my roomate tried to be real funny at } a dorm beer party by ^T^Ttaking (init: "taking" is not a macro) } down his pants and lighting his stinkies. Only something went } wrong and I think he blew up his anus. Someone said that stain } on the wall was his colon, I don't know. They promised me if my } roomate dies I'll get to pass all my classes this semester, } automatically, but somebody else said that's bunny turds. } } So now I can't get a date because all the girls in my dorm think } I'll try and blow up my anus, like by stupid roomate. If he doesn't } die so I can pass all my classes, I'm going to be in a lot of } trouble because I've never actually thought of anything before. } Plus, I just started a job where nobody's here and the screen } keeps flashing questions and the keyboard is sticky and it smells } of wine and I don't even know if I'll get paid and my face is all } broken out so I won't need date money anyways. } } Sorry to dump on you mister^B^B^H^HI hope you find^H^H^HSomething } funny pretty^C } (init: your shell is enabled, log out if you're not supposed to be } here) ^C^C^C } (init: type exit to logout) } ^B^B^B^H^J oh shutup! I hate this editor! } (init: shutdown in +1 minute) } NO CARRIER --- 588-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Agnes: No! We mustn't... > Milton: Oh Agnes, my sweet love, I cannot hold myself any longer. > Agnes: But Milton, you know my heart also burns with desire, > nevertheless we mustn't, lest my father finds out. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Milton: I am engulfed with the desire, and lest my heart doth } explode, I am convinced that we can delay no longer... } Agnes: Oh Yes, YES, I give in to your firm insistance, let us throw } caution to the wind and take this bold step... } } /user/agnes > mailx -s"tellme" oracle@cs.indiana.edu } Agnes: No! We mustn't... } Milton: Oh Agnes, my sweet love... --- 588-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear really terrific Oracle-type being, > > I am writing from seat 28C of United Airlines flight 1484 from Chicago > to White Plains. (Aren't cellular modems wonderful?). There is a man > standing at the front of the plane with what appears to be several > sticks of dynamite. He is yelling something that sounds like "Allah > Akhbar!" and waving the dynamite around. Can you give us a hand up > here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, I'll give you a hand! } } Oracle: Hey, Achmed! } } Achmed: Allah Akhbar! Aladdin's lamp! One Thousand and One Arabian } Knights! } } O: Achmed, see the person in seat 28C? } } A: The one with the laptop computer? } } O: Yes, Achmed. Now, listen closely. On the count of three, throw a } stick of dynamite at them. } } A: Ah, Mighty Oracle, this will be an amusing...how you say, } experience? } } O: That's right, Achmed. Okay, now, 1... [get ready to catch it, } supplicant!]... 2... [you'll only get one shot at this, so be } ready!]... 3! } Throw at will, Achmed! } } A: Ach! He has caught the dynamite! } } [NOW, SUPPLICANT! RUSH HIM!] } } That's right...perfect...okay, now shove the blasted stick down } Achmed's throat and push him out the door! } } ---- } / / _ } / / | | } __/---------------/ | } /______O___\ \______| } \ \ } ---- } } Allah forever! } / } } \ o / } | } / \ } } Good work, Agent Orange. You will be given a medal of honor for your } bravery. } } You owe the Oracle your cellular modem. --- 588-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fully Functional Oracle, please help your obt svt with this problem. > I remember a poem, something about, "The Moon was a Landlord's > Daughter." There's a horse, too. All in the dim corners of what used > to be my mind. Surely you are not dim. Tell me more. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me check my "Book of 1,001 Unusual Poems Which Include Horses"... } ah, here it is: } } The moon was a landlords daughter; } For three dimes and a penny he'd bought her. } She'd come out at night } And wash all in her light } Much to the delight of her father. } } One night as she perched up on high } She heard something, and looked from the sky; } And what did she see } But a horse whose whinny } Had woken up all, far and nigh. } } The horse was disturbed, that was plain, } And looked to be quite in pain. } As it rolled on the ground } All the people came round } And looked at the horse with disdain. } } The moon watched the poor horse, quite sad } For she knew that the people were mad. } And quick as a flash } They proceeded to bash } The poor horse's head in; how bad! } } Yes, this is the quite mournful tale } Of the moon whose power had failed } To save the poor horse } From a fate that was worse } Than to forever be, with a wet noodle, flailed. } } There you are, fair supplicant. I hope this has lit up the dim corners } of your mind! } } You owe the Oracle "The Book of 1,001 Unusual Poems Which Include } Duck-Billed Platypi." --- 588-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Rush Limbaugh really the second coming of Allah? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are a little Confused, here, Supplicant. Allah *spoke* to } Mohammed-- Mohammed was a prophet, not an incarnation. So Allah } hasn't even had a *first* coming. } } We're still working on figuring out just what Rush Limbaugh is. Hera } says he's a reincarnation of Mussolini, but without the brainpower or } charisma. Aphrodite insists he's a Mi-Go. Cthulhu disclaims all } knowledge. Coyote swears it's not him. Kali isn't talking. My money } is on Set. } } I got the Norns to loosen up a bit (mead is your friend) and although } they won't tell me *when* it'll happen, they have disclosed the manner } of Limbaugh's death. This is a family network, so I'll just give you } five words: Navy, Vaseline, closed coffin funeral. --- 588-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Cohen, Cohen, Cohen and > Cohen Attorneys at Law > Commissioners for Oaths > (threats issued) > 8/25/93 > > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > As per your request we have forwarded your demands to Mr. Kinzler and > we await his reply. In the event of a positive response we will forward > to you all monies owed, minus our fee. > > However in the event of a negative response we will require instruction > as to how to operate the equipment you forwarded to us last week. Our > staff have been quite distracted by the array of amusing and humorously > shaped fittings and attachments which came with this equipment. > > I look forward to your reply. > > Your sincerely > Eugene L. Cohen And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you. This is good news indeed. } } Well, if Mr. Kinzler, as you so politely call him, does not respond } in the positive, then the equipment works as follows. } } 1. The big red round thing fits into the small yellow/green } thing in the two slits on the top. } } 2. Insert the two fuzzy things into the small blue clips on the } aforementioned piece of equipment. } } 3. The feathers go into the black thingamebobs. } } 4. The watchamacallits fit into the little doovalackeys. } } 5. Finally, insert Mr. Kinzler and turn on. } } 6. Send me the pictures. } } In anticipation of a negative response. } } Yours sincerely } The Oracle. } } PS. } Lisa says just to put him in anyway after he pays. HA! Sounds } like a good idea! --- 588-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's an easy way to give up smoking without killing a significant > percentage of my friends and associates during the 'difficult' stages? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid, Mr. Koresh, it's a little too late for that. --- 588-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the word which is the NAME of the paragraph symbol, typically > identified as a "reversed capital-P." And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After due consideration the various divisions of Oracle Enterprises } have produced the following answers. } } Typographical division: an aleph-iso-P } } X-Fonts division: Error 078: failure to assign font: } -adobe-sillyWordPocessing-demi-r-normal- } -36-24-36-007-p-69-iso8859-1 } } Commmon Sense division: Huh? Why the hell do you want to know that? } } Hacker division: Have you tried looking in the jargon file? } } Computing Support division: RTFM. Anyway, it's fixed in the next } release. } } Internal security division: Why do you want to know that? } Where's your authorization? } } PR division: Please Hold, Oracle Enterprises will be with } you in a moment. } } Grovel division: Hold still...... ZZZOT! } } Payment division: You owe the Oracle a Corporate } re-structuring. --- 588-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are humans so preoccupied with procreation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who says it is only humans? Consider the following mating ritual, } recorded from one of my other planets: } } It was a cold night on Spraticon-Five. Spleeg Flumm wangled his florg } around in a circle. The night was making him shriddy, and he was ready } for action. } } And there she was. Spleeg instantly wrinkled his morf, thinking it } made him look cool. It worked. } } "Hey, baby," said she, "shall we we find a flibbite?" } } Spleeg plebbled. This was going well. "What's your name, honey?" he } asked. } } "Fem! Fem In-In!" she answered gaily. She tossed three of her fackles } back, and they reflected in the moonslight. } } The two maters joined glicks and walked off in search of their last } part. And there fle was. "Look at flim!" exclaimed Spleeg. "Fle is } *portrid*!" } } "Yeah, fle is!" Fem hargled and mooeyed. She quoomed and blurked. } She thought this would grab flis attention, and she was right! It did! } } The flibbite rockled up to them. "Well, hey hey! Aren't you a cute } couple of medgies!" } } Fem and Spleeg purkied. This was ideal. They immediately put their } fackles together and came up with a plan. } } Seventeen units later, Spleeg, Fem, and the Flibbite, Uhuhuhuh, were } in Spleeg's dwelling. Spleeg was already so shriddy that he got right } down to business. } } "Uhuhuhuh! Go over there! Fem! Take off your moooooo!" he ordered, } with a crazed look in his ficks. } } Uhuhuhuh knew the routine. Fle went over behind the sofa and started } gyrating in place. "OH, george HAR-rison! OH, george HAR-rison!" } fle screamed rhythmically. } } Fem ripped off her moooooo and started meckelling coyly. "You *must* } pay the rent! I *can't* pay the rent!" } } Spleeg ripped off his mork, proudly exposing his above-average feen. } It was perfectly flat and gleaming, and had more surface area than } Fem had ever seen before! } } "OH!" exclaimed Fem, and she dove towards him. Four of her fackles } splatted against the feen before Spleeg grunted with satisfaction. } } "NOW, UHUHUHUH, NOW!" screamed Spleeg, as Fem started to turn black. } } Uhuhuhuh was all too ready to oblige. "OH, george HAR-rison!" fle } screamed one last time before fle leapt up into the air. And then, } all of a sudden, fle opened up like a mongoroose and enclosed the } other two with his oopaloop! } } A look of ecstasy crossed Uhuhuhuh's fackles as the other two moved } underneath flim. "OH, george HAR-rison!" fle screamed repeatedly as } the shapes moved beneath flis oopaloop. } } The screams beneath flim increased in volume and intensity until } finally, Fem exploded in a shattering "I'LL PAY THE RENT!!!" and } a brownish goo leaked out from under Uhuhuhuh. } } Uhuhuhuh retracted off of Fem and Spleeg, went over to the sofa, and } sat down. After a moment, Spleeg, weary and shaken, joined flim. And } finally, Fem reformed out of the brown goo, carrying a smaller creature } in her glicks. She went over to the sofa and shared her creation with } the other two. They all skooed and fayed repeatedly over the small } creature. Then they ate it and smoked cigarettes. } } The End. } } You owe the Oracle a new carpet.