From oracle-request Mon Jun 28 13:17:45 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA00728; Mon, 28 Jun 1993 13:17:45 -0500 Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1993 13:17:45 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #573 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 573 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #573 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 28 Jun 1993 13:17:45 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 573 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 568 56 votes 8ijb0 5die6 5kcd6 1goc3 26oi6 ahja0 c8hf4 dfbb6 chh82 24ima 568 2.9 mean 2.6 3.1 2.9 3.0 3.4 2.5 2.8 2.7 2.5 3.6 --- 573-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My office mate was once cool. He has, over the past several months, > been slowly changing into a yokel. His hair has grown long. He > goes out country dancing. Just yesterday he was showing off his > snakeskin boots. Were we in, say, Indiana this would not be > abnormal. The problem is that we are in URBAN Washington, DC. I > do not understand his desire to degenerate into a redneck. All this > aside, Great Oracle, I am interesting in finding out how I can > convince him to get a perm in his hair. I think this would be truely > amusing. Can you help? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They say that you can't truly understand a man until you've walked a } thousand miles in his shoes. However, since the subject insists on } wearing snakeskin boots, he's a fair target for all manner of cruelty. } } What your office mate really needs is humility. What I say is: } } "A man can only learn true humility after he's been air-dropped naked } into a jungle." } } Here's what you have to do: } } 1) After work, kidnap your co-worker in the parking lot. } 2) Gag, blindfold, and tie him up. } 3) Take him to the airport. } 4) Bribe a pilot to take you over the wild jungles of Brazil. } 5) In the plane, strip your victim naked, except for a homing device } crazy-glued to his chest. } 6) Go to a nice civilized city in Brazil (San Paolo is quite nice), } and check in to the Holiday Inn. } 7) Order room service and watch pay-per-view. } 8) After a few days, hire some natives to take you and a hairdresser } into the bush. } 9) Use the homing signal to find your victim. } 10) If he's still alive, offer the crazed, hungry, fear-filled office } worker an ultimatum: } } get the perm and return to civilization, or die in the wild, never to } see a fax machine again. --- 573-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most powerful Oracle, whose throws to first never pull the first > baseperson off the bag, please indulge me with the answer to the > following most-humble query: > > I play for a slow-pitch softball team and occasionally I pitch when the > wind is blowing. Why is it then when I try to compensate for the wind > the ball is never blown back over home plate; and yet, if I pitch it > right at the plate the ball gets blown to one side? > > - Fernando Clemens Coneberry And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh! An excellent question!! There are three possibilities to be } considered here: } } 1) The ball goes perfectly straight, but the mound and home plate are } blown out of the way. } } (Not likely, but very difficult to disprove.) } } 2) The wind is afraid to get hit by the ball, and stops when it is } thrown. } } This is fairly common in the northern parts of the U.S., where the } wind tends to be flighty and insecure. Try switching to fast-pitch } softball; the wind won't have time to get out of the way. If it } gets hit, however, it gets a free walk and will blow straight } towards the first baseman. For the kinder and gentler approach, } offer it a good seat in the benches. NOT by the boss, however; he } won't be amused when his toupee blows off. } } 3) The wind has cut a deal with the other team's manager, and is } playing for them. } } Not much you can do here. It's probably part of a gambling } syndicate. You'll have to recruit a different wind, from another } city. (Known in the business as a "trade wind.") If you get proof } of illegitimate side betting, you should be able to really raise up } a storm. } } You owe the Oracle a good player for our Mt. Olympus team. Must be } local, a pretty good infielder, and a demigod. --- 573-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Ahumble and Bloated Egotius One, > > Does OSI really imply for Oracles Suck Ignominiously? > > Does TCP/IP stand for Ten Cowards Push Ignorant Protocols? > > Does IPX/SPX denote: I Pee eXcessively/She pees eXcessively? (Yes, this > is politically correct. Vagino-Americans do pee!) > > Is ORACLE an acronym for Octal Recursive Asynchronous Communications > Language Extended? > > Oh tell me please, Benefactor of the Omnigorant and Purveyor of Fine > Sausage. If you answer my query, true, may the wool of 10,000 > Limbaughan Lovers grace the palace of your boundless boundlessness. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not bad Supplicant, but you err in a few important ways: } } OSI stands for "Only Suckers Initialize" } } TCP/IP means "Twelve Crummy People/Including Perverts" } } IPX/SPX is really "Ingenious Polynesian Xenophobes/Soaking Pyrex } Xylophones" } } and ORACLE is an acroynym for } "Optionally Refuses Asinine Comments Lately Emended" } } That's me. } I stand for NOTHING! } } <<<<< Z O T !!!! >>>>>> --- 573-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > Please can you help me with a bit of a problem. I've been seeing > a girl for nearly a year now, and there appears to be a bit of a > problem emerging from our relationship. For some reason, as yet > unbeknown to me, she insists on leaving bread crumbs or bits of > squashed biscuit in the bed under the duvet. > Can you please tell me what I should do ? And should I start to > worry about the chirruping noise that comes from under the bed as > dawn breaks > > Yours, > Troubled. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. Sorry to tell you this, but your girlfriend is having an affair } with Big Bird. Or Barney.... it's hard even for Me to tell.... } } You see, unbeknownst to anyone but Me, } And God! Don't forget God! (that runty half-assed... } um, wise, um, all-knowing... .... } } Anyway, Barney and Big Bird are (drumroll please) THE SAME BEING. } Years in the future, Big Bird will have an unfortunate accident } involving the Hoover Dam, a Hoover vaccuum cleaner, a time machine, and } two cases of SharkleBerry Punch Koolaid, creating.... BARNEY!! } } (Hmmm... I need to remember to arrange another "unfortunate accident" } for Barney soon....that's too much cuteness for a planet that already } has had to survive the Smurfs....) } } If the being in question is Barney, see if you can persuade your } girlfriend to leave the crumbs on the floor NEAR the bed....this way, } the monster under the bed (which has an unusual appetite for purple } things and chirrups in the morning) will take care of the problem for } you. And, by the way, stop wearing those REALLY tacky purple argyle } socks. } } If it's Big Bird, sorry, you can never compete. Go sit in a corner and } sing "It's Not Easy Being Green" until you feel better. } } You owe the Oracle two dozen melted Barney luchboxes filled with } Sharkleberry Punch. --- 573-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Magical, SuperHuman, SexPot, Maxim Mertifolia, whose Ambrosia > annoints the masses who do not realise what a SuperBeing thou art, > and your sentiments are the learning mediums for us unworthy > supplicants, I would give you all I own if I knew where you lived, > and I would even give you my wife for your services as a Celluar > Query Answering Processor...... > > Pray Tell the answer to this Humble Question. > > Tell me a story........Be Kinky........... > > Oh Thank You Oh Mighty one! > I treasure your reply as much as I treasure my life. And if I where > to hold a feast in your honour, there would be no space left at the > table for all the civilised world would be there to see you, and you > alone! > Thank You Master. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Dead Sea scrolls were written a long time ago; } "... and all our yesterdays light fools the way to dusty decks", } as I once said to Bill Shakespeare. } } The Dead Sea Scrolls are written in a dead language, of course. } "And what language is that?" you ask; well, } Dead C, of course. } } Squiggly brackets opened at the end of lines; no comments; a } variable called "i" in every function: dead C, pure and simple. } } Highlights, you want? You'll get none from me. It was too long ago } and too far away that I wrote that stuff, and it brings back bad } memories. Core memories; not ferromagnetic core, but apple core. } We had an apple for each bit, turned right-side up for ON, and } upside-down for OFF; and human slaves to go around setting the bits. } One clumsy slave invented trinary logic -- ah, humans and their } accidents with apples! } } Highlights, indeed! You know, I had to write that stuff with a } monochrome terminal; to get decent resolution, I had to gather } hundreds of thousands of humans in a field near Mount Olympus, and } provide them with colored banners -- and the response time! -- I } would look down from the clouds, see what I had typed, hit a few } keys, the priests would send runners out, and after a *long* while, } there it would be. And you wouldn't believe how the screen flickered } when the wind blew up! } } You owe the Oracle a computer built around the Intel(tm) Sexium(tm) } chip, and a Satisfaxion(tm) modem. --- 573-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? } } > ? } } WHAT!?! } } > !!! } } I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You'll have to roll down your window! } } > ? } } YOUR WINDOW, YOUR WINDOW!! ROLL IT DOWN } } >Sorry about that. Do you know which of these buildings houses the } >offices of the Oracle database company? } } Oh, you're on the entirely wrong side of town. Somebody must have } given you the wrong directions. These offices belong to the USENET } Oracle. You need to turn around, go back the way you came for three } or four miles. After a McDonalds, hang a right onto Beeler, and go } another mile or so. After the underpass, make a left onto Wilkins, } and it should be a couple more blocks on your left. } } >Thanks very much. Bye. } } Uhh, just one minute. } } >Yes? } } You owe the Oracle a car. } } >What? } } You owe the Oracle a car. } } >What do you mean? This is my car. } } Not anymore. Standard operating procedure. You ask the Oracle a } question, I get compensation. I want your car. } } >But how am I going to get across town? How am I going to get home!?! } } Not my problem. Sorry about that. Don't make me have to you. } Thank you. The keys? Ah, thank you very much. See you later. I'm } going for a drive. } } >Why you #&@(#&%@(&^@!^!&@ } } Let's see, I just roll up this window, and... } } > ! } } What? } } > ! !! } } SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW! HAVE A NICE DAY! --- 573-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most sagacious, whose wisdom is smoother and creamier than > the finest puerto rican rum ice cream, but just as toxic, I beg your > assistance in a matter of great delicacy. > > My officemate has been hanging crucifixes and candles on my side of > the room, and sprinkling various herbs over my keyboard and papers. > There is a line of salt separating me from the door & some intricate > swirly thing written on the wall in crayon. I try to ignore it, but > there are all these chicken feathers floating around in the air. > Whenever I try to say something about it, she sort of shakes and > stares at me through slitted eyes and hisses something like 'zombei > zombei, dead one, already the earth opens to receive him.' I've been > here all afternoon and I'm starting to get hungry... but I'm wondering > how she'll take it if I walk over her artwork to get some food... > what do you think would be the diplomatic thing to do? > > please reply soon. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My God man, didn't you ever see 'The Believers'? Take a hint } from Jimmy Smits, lock yourself in a room and hope that Charlie Sheen } shows up soon. If he hasn't shown up by dinner time, roll your eyes } into the back of your head, hold your arms out in front of you, and say } in a dead voice 'Let me out...let me out...' } } You owe the Oracle a bowlful of chicken guts and voodoo doll of Bill } Clinton. --- 573-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does supplicant taste like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bitter, and not a little bit salty. --- 573-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O powerful, potent person of knowledge what sort of questions are > asked of thee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1% amusing, 5% rhetorical/stupid, 7% accidental and 87% woodchuck... --- 573-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most wise and sagacious one, before whom nations > tremble and fast food is actually fast, how best shall I please > my spouse? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Can't be done (at least not with attributes such as you posess, lowly } Supplicant). Spouses are notoriously difficult to please, even in the } best of circumstances. The Oracle recommends that you leave yours at } home and try your luck with a young & impressionable lover. Or, } failing that, perhaps you should take up bridge. } } You owe the Oracle a good excuse for having stayed out late last } Friday. Until Sunday afternoon, actually.