From oracle-request Mon Jun 21 12:28:12 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA11815; Mon, 21 Jun 1993 12:28:12 -0500 Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1993 12:28:12 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #571 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 571 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #571 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1993 12:28:12 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 571 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 566 60 votes elk14 5ikf2 ddj69 4fgcd 0goh3 3jie6 3dap9 4lmc1 5qh93 2dub4 566 2.9 mean 2.3 2.9 2.8 3.2 3.1 3.0 3.4 2.8 2.6 3.0 --- 571-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Glorious and galumptious Orrie!! > > o good and gracious Oracle, how would the chemical structure of my > face be altered if it encountered the wheel of a ten-ton truck going > at about 60 miles per hour ?? Would the barrier of pain be crossed ?? > And more importantly, would the barrier of life be crossed ?? > > Thanking you o great one in anticipation of your great reply And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unsure. Go try it. Please. Today. --- 571-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why aren't we supposed to whiz on the electric fence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you'll get the whiz shocked out of you. } } Why, might you ask? } } Imagine you were an electron, just dancing and orbiting and minding } your own business, when somebody came over and whizzed on you. If it } were in your power, wouldn't YOU summon about 1.6 x 10e19 of your } friends, and go shock the crap out of somebody? Provided he didn't die } in the process, the next time he entertained such a crass idea, he'd } remember that pain in his willie and reconsider. Similarly, don't go } prodding around in 150KVA transformer cabinets with wire coat hangers: } electrons don't like being poked at like common zoo animals. They take } great offense to that. And don't french-kiss a light socket, either: } electrons aren't comfortable with intimacy, and get hostile when } exposed to it. } } In general, be nice to your electron, and don't piss it off. They're } great friends to have, but they can be downright nasty enemies, too. } Whiz only in designated electron-free whizzing areas (public } lavatories, behind trees, swimming pools). This PSA is brought to you } by the Usenet Oracle. } } You owe me a lamp shaped like a urinal. --- 571-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > It was awfully good of you to answer the question about the chicken > or the egg; even though I didn't ask it, I found the answer in the > Oracularities to be very informative. > > Now _that_ issue is settled, but, O great Oracle whose answers are > always informative, now I wonder, > > which came first, death or taxes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the great mists in the beginnings of time, first sprung the } Oracle, then (of course) Shirley MacLane. Unto the Oracle, as in the } beginning as is now, Shirley became a royal pain-in-the ass. Spake the } Oracle to her, "Your presence is taxing upon me." Though death would } befall her many hundreds of times again before this day, Shirley was } taxing before she was dead and thus taxes indeed came first. --- 571-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracle most extremely wise! The Oracle is longer than > Lazarus Long, and more wonderful to look at than Friday! Please answer > this most humble and grovelsome Supplicant's question: > > A Wise Man (not as wise as you, Oh Perpetual One!) once wrote that > Monarchy is based on the idea that one person can govern a million > people, and that Democracy is based on the idea that a million people > can govern one person. > > Where did we go wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Missed the obvious: anarchy. } } Anarchy, like most other worthwhile aspects of modern life, } (e.g., the piano, Venetian Blinds, gravity, submarines, and pizza) } was invented by the Italians. } } Here's how they do it: they elect a government, and allow it to pass } all the laws it pleases; then, nobody pays any attention to it. } } In that case, you ask, why bother even to have a government? } The Italians have understood very well, thanks to their long } history, that there are certain people in every generation who } simply must legislate. By having a government, they are able to keep } these people out of trouble. It is more humane than throwing them } into the booby hatch. } } It works very well in practice. For example, when an Italian driver } comes up to a red light, he says to himself, "I am a human being, } and that is only a machine -- how dare it tell me to stop?", he } looks around cautiously and proceeds through the light. Or, if he's } in a mood, he flashes his lights to let the other drivers know } they'd better watch out. } } As long as the driver coming in the other direction is also an } Italian, some accomodation will be worked out that does not involve } any dents in the machinery. } } Therein lies the weakness of the anarchic system: not all nations } are enlightened enough to be governed in this manner, but rather } have citizens who are trained to do what they're told instead of } thinking for themselves. } } If the driver coming in the other direction happens to be from } New York -- oh, I simply cannot bear even to describe the scene } of frightful carnage that ensues. --- 571-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most wise, > > On the way home from work today, I drove over a hammer which was in the > middle of my lane. > > A hundred yards later, there was a dead w**dc***k on the yellow line in > the middle of the road. > > When I was almost home, I saw a live w**dc***k on the side of the road. > > What does it all mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh-oh. There's an evil wizard in your neighborhood turning people into } w**dc***ks. That hammer -- Fred Beamis from down the block, you know } how his car stalls, and he has to stop and open up the hood and tap the } alternator with a hammer to get it going again? Well, he stopped near } there (you didn't notice his old Chevy Nova?), got out of the car, got } the hammer from the trunk, shut the trunk, and -- ZAP! -- got turned } into the w**dc***k which ended up as the dead one in the middle of the } road. } } That live w**dc***k is, sorry to say, or rather *was*, that knockout of } a blonde who moved in across the street. She was out jogging, and -- } ZAP -- no more blonde, just another damned w**dc***k. } } Nobody is immune! You could be next! The Oracle could be next! In } fact, } } ZAP } } you owe this w..dc...k that was once the oracle the ability to c...k } w..d --- 571-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > magnificent oracle, virulently succulent, majestically mouth-watering, > royally enticing and deliciously wise, overlook my tasty grovel and get > to the meat of my question: > > see if you can follow my reasoning here: > > 1) pepsi becomes the choice of the next generation, lighting michael > jackson on fire in the process. > 2) pepsi changes its look, ditching the old-fashioned, homey looking > for something that looks like it came from a laser printer. > 3) pepsi proclaims, "if youre holding a pepsi, you got the 'right one > baby.'" > 4) "'uh huh.'" > 5) pepsi changes its color, joining neutrogena in assuming that "what > you cant see, cant hurt you." > 6) pepsi proves that it was wrong by starting to include cleverly > concealed hypodermic needles in its cans, which poke people in the lips > and are very difficult to swallow. > > I am no advertising expert, but it would seem inevitable that their > last move be by far the most ineffective. I mean, hypodermic needles? > really, a rather off-the-wall concept. what happened? was this due to > some change in administration? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This one of those strange sequence of events where a company means well } but does something asininely stupid. Let's listen in on a recent board } meeting: } } Voice1: Let's get right to work. As you can see from these graphs } there is still a large percentage of the human race that is } not drinking Pepsi. Look at the numbers for children ages } 1-4! I thought our "...right one baby!" slogan was supposed } to improved this! And who exactly are we trying to reach with } a slogan like "Uh huh?!" Cave men?!? They aren't exactly a } large percentage of our target market. } } We need a gimmick and we need it fast. Something that will } make people feel good about buying Pepsi. Something that } is so Politically Correct people will be _compelled_ to } buy our product over all others. And, need I say it, } something that is extremely cheap. Suggestions? } } Voice2: Our research group has finished its study on using recycled } newspaper as containers instead of aluminum cans. } Unfortunately the best containers we could make don't hold in } the carbonation for more than 2 hours. Also, the ink tends to } run after even minimal contact with the contents. And though } it did appear to improve the taste, we don't feel it is a } feasible option at this time. } } Voice1: You're fired. Anyone else? } } Voice3: I think we should include free red, white & blue condoms with } each six pack. We could use the slogan, "If it's not red, } white & blue, don't let it near your lips." See? A sort of } double... } } Voice1: You're fired. Well? Doesn't anyone have a _good_ idea? } } Voice4: How about a really radical tact -- something that will get } people all over the country talking about us. } } Voice1: Yes? } } Voice4: What's on everyone's minds these days? I'll tell you: AIDS. } And what portion of those in danger of acquiring AIDS is near } and dear to our hearts? The intravenous drug users! If we } distribute a free hypodermic needle with every six pack we'll } be heros. } } Voice1: What!? We'll get arrested if we try to do that! } } Voice4: Not if we put the needle _inside_ one of the cans. They'll } never know what we've done until after the fact -- after we've } helped humanity. } } Voice1: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of! What would be } our slogan!? "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp } stick?!" You're fired! } } Voice4: But Dad! I've already started production! } } You owe the oracle a Coke and a smile. --- 571-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Masterful Oracle, resplendent in your genius -- > > Can you explain the popular appeal of insipid television programs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle applauds your question, for the reason that more people } should be forced to consider the weight of the impact of these programs } on today's society. Here is the main outline of the reasons for this: } } Fact A: People today are for the most part, lazy. } Fact B: Ratio of insipid proframs to others is approximately 964/1. } Fact C: Since watching an intelligent program would take some looking } in the programming guide, a push of the remote button when you FIND } a good program, and of course, location of the remote itself, part } A would win, and most would just forget the whole thing and watch } what is on the current channel. } Fact D: Nielson lies a lot. } } You owe the Oracle a years subscription to TV Guide. --- 571-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The other day, I called up your help desk. > > The person who answered, said "Please hold", made a clicking noise, > and started singing like John Denver. > > It was a darned good imitation, but I think it was rather rude. > She wouldn't even reply when I asked what I was supposed to hold; > just kept singing. > > I got very mad at her, yelled some nasty things into the phone, > and hung up. > > Can't you train your people better? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Rocky mountain hiiiiiiiiiiiigh! } Rocky mo-ou-ountain hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-iiii-iiii-igh! } } ...Oh, it's you again. I trust you enjoyed push-starting } your car this morning. --- 571-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Stupendous Sexcake, > > Tell me a story..... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time there was a Supplicant who asked a short question. } And got a two line answer. --- 571-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please answer me this ol' chum: > How many David Koresh's does it take to upset the F.B.I a fair amount? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About a cord a day.