From oracle-request Tue Jun 15 09:49:58 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA28921; Tue, 15 Jun 1993 09:49:58 -0500 Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1993 09:49:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #569 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 569 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #569 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1993 09:49:58 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 569 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 564 56 votes 15dra 9dic4 5pn21 6fge5 7bna5 9gce5 29fm8 5hfd6 58hfb 6bld5 564 3.0 mean 3.7 2.8 2.4 2.9 2.9 2.8 3.4 3.0 3.3 3.0 --- 569-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, that amazes me on every question with your infinite > knowledge... > > You told me that if I want to send a fax through Internet I must send > it to /dev/null. "Even God reads what is sent to /dev/null" you said. > But, what about any special header or something identifying it as a > fax? Where to put the phone number? Take in account that I'm a novice > in InterNet. > > Yours, > The King of The Pampas. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't worry about it. God is almost as omniscient as I am, so he } already knows that it is a fax and what the phone number should be, } even if you don't. And if he doesn't, he can always ask me. } } However, you should remember to cc all your internet faxes to } spook@nsa.com, as they like to keep abreast of things. --- 569-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most almighty, omniscient, omnipresent, omni-very-clever, really > rather super Oracle, > > Please grant this humble supplicant an answer to this miniscule > question, unworthy of Your mighty attentions: > > Why do people only ever remember that they need to go to the lavatory > AFTER the examination invigilator has said 'You have three hours, and > you may start writing.. now.' ? > > A slighty strained supplicant. > > (mpk06/93) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: a cold, damp, and cavernous examination hall somewhere } in America. Twenty students, each surrounded with and almost } hidden by textbooks, photocopies, lecture notes, scribble pads, } and personal computers stare despairingly at the sheets of } paper before them. The exam invigilator, reincarnation of a } 14th century inquisitor, chuckles inwardly. } } Meanwhile, in a far more comfortable place, the Oracle snoozes. } } Back to the hall. Here, a student who has forgotten how to } multiply gnaws at his fingers. There, a student who has forgotten } to bring a pen tries to scratch out her answers on the table top } with a door key. Our supplicant, showing the first faint signs } of distress, starts to type: } % mail oracle@cs.indiana.edu } The invigilator, with an undergraduate degree in Distressing } Architecture, paces between the desks. } } Meanwhile, on a balcony beneath a glorious summer sky, the Oracle } and Lisa chat over breakfast. Neither pays any attention to the } blinking indicator on the Oracular mail console. } } The hall grows colder and darker. A student who has forgotten how } to read flips through the exam paper in the vain hope of finding } a Sesame Street cartoon. Another, who has forgotten which subject } he was doing, tries to find a connection between the exam and } Pre-Columban Mexico. Our supplicant painfully taps out the sequence } for the one remaining avenue of reassurance still open: } % ping moose.cs.indiana.edu } moose is alive } The invigilator, fingers skilfully manipulating the theatre controls, } does not notice the contorted smile of the supplicant at the reply. } } Meanwhile, the Oracle and Lisa return from a refreshing walk around } the lake. The Oracle sits down and begins to answer mail. } } Objectively, only two hours have passed in the hall. Our supplicant } squirms and writhes. The pressure is too much. When the invigilators } back is turned certain items of clothing are loosened and natural } bodily functions come into action. But wait, the mailbox icon on } the screen has changed! The supplicant swings around and the liquid } stream reaches an insufficiently shielded power supply... } } Meanwhile, the Oracle sits back and glows with the satisfaction of } once more bringing happiness and enlightenment to someone. } } The exam ends. Worn and broken bodies straggle out. Those who have } forgotten their reason for living are sent to the Pyschology } Departments experimental section. Our supplicant is stretchered } away by grieving friends. The invigilator, with a PhD in Subliminal } Amnesia Infliction, relaxes after another job well done. } } You owe the Oracle a retrospective memory chip. --- 569-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, I am confused. You, in your majestic omnipotence, can help > me! > > I've heard that the Inter Continental Ballistic Missiles, which I > supposed were safely asleep in their silos waiting for the next truly > evil enemy of personkind to emerge, are to be retrofitted!! > > Apparently their coolant systems were full of CFC's! (Shock, Horror!) > They are to be retrofitted to use a more environmentally friendly > coolant. > > Should I feel safer? I think so, but my friends all scoff at me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, yes, that's one step towards environmentally friendly weapons of } mass destruction, but it's not enough. } } Further steps that must be taken include storing nerve gases in } recyclable containers, imposing a five cent deposit on the ICBM } rockets, and putting warning labels on war germs. } } Not until then should you feel really safe. --- 569-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One day I was sitting outdoors in my living room, > up in the woods in Pennsylvania, when I saw the carpet > moving -- the carpet is last year's leaves --, > so I grabbed a twig, lifted up the leaves, > and beheld the most wondrous creature I have ever seen. > > At the time, I did not appreciate what I was seeing, > believing it to be perhaps a baby mole, but when I looked it > up later in my Field Guide, I confirmed that what I had seen > was a fully-grown "short-tailed shrew", > the world's smallest mammal. > > The wonder of it! All the complexity of a mammal, heart, > lungs, brain, spleen, ribs, spine, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, > digestive organs, and even the enormously complicated > apparatus of mammalian reproduction, all this, in one small > creature literally and precisely the size of the first two > joints of my thumb! How tiny, how well designed! > > Why can't our government be like that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Impossible. The heart and brains are missing. } } You owe the Oracle some shrew stew. --- 569-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry folks, I couldn't stand another woodchuck question, so I just had } to this silly supplicant before he asked it. --- 569-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > RUN $SHUTUP And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SHUTUP: Undefined variable. } 52 ~% RUN SHUTUP } RUN: Command not found. } 53 ~% EXEC SHUTUP } EXEC: Command not found. } 54 ~% exec SHUTUP } SHUTUP: Command not found. } 55 ~% exec ./SHUTUP } Connection closed by foreign host. } # # # } } BERKELEY, CA (UPI) -- The UNIX community is in mourning; and, } as so often happens in computer science, outsiders cannot understand } why. } "We haven't heard from the Usenet Oracle in over a week," } sighed James Schwartz. "Steve Kinzler isn't answering our email and } none of the priesthood can be located. We fear the worst. . . } } FISHKILL, NY (UPI) -- In a surprising move, IBM has announced } a new AI package for the ancient IBM 370 mainframe. Tenatively named } Oracle/370, the natural-language advice package is said to provide } illuminating answers to almost any question in just a day or two. . . } . . . The press conference was somewhat marred by UNIX } partisans, who burst into the hall waving placards accusing the } "mainframe conspiracy" of assassinating a mythical diety called the } "Usenet Oracle". . . } } VATICAN CITY (UPI) -- Catholics all over the world are stunned } by John Paul II's announcement of a holy Crusade. But Latin America } and Poland taking it seriously-- troops are preparing for an all-out } onslaught-- but not against the Moslems or Jews. Their target is a } lonely laboratory in upstate New York. . . } } FISHKILL, NY (UPI) -- The IBM facility, already stunned by the } announcement from the Vatican, has something new to ponder-- namely } the sudden death of all nearby greenery and a mysterious minivolcano. . } } FISHKILL, NY (UPI) -- Before the watchful eyes of the Society } of Jesus, the Oracle/370 source tree has been deleted and salt sown in } the tracks of the disk drives. . . } } BERKELEY, CA (UPI) -- "Answers are coming in," shouts James } Schwartz. . . } # # # } } Sometimes you need a little help from your friends. } } Message from gaia@biosphere.earth.org on console at 17:23 ... } Amen. } } Message from trinity@seventh.heaven.org on console at 17:23 ... } YOU OWE US ONE. --- 569-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > > Why do PC clones have twelve function keys, when only ten of them do > anything? Is there some secret purpose to F11 and F12? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Without F11 and F12, there would be an annoying gap between F10 and } the PrintScreen key. While such a void would be useful for storing } spare change and such, it is believed by most eminent keyboard } scientists that aesthetics should take priority over functionality. } (This view is shared by Microsoft programmers, among others.) } } You are mistaken in thinking that F11 is completely useless. } Unbeknownst to most WordPerfect users, the key combination } ALT-CTRL-SHIFT-CAPSLOCK-LEFTARROW-H-PgDn-F11 activates the software's } brand new "Quick exit" feature, which allows the user to exit the } program unprompted regardless of whether work is unsaved. --- 569-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh master Oracle, you wonderful smarty pants you, please tell me: > > Aliens from Jupiter landed here and asked me to ask you this question: > > $%^#yhjfg kjh90^&|YGHKJFC|vkh jHG|KjF jhg &%^ ujFG|UIY ^%#|$%6 > j&^$%^&|% 67%$kfhjbFyuiyr%^& UT$%867 dfu 68534 kfgvj yt^$%#^ > UIF|U%^4 UTFTY$56849Ty? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } About a cord a day. --- 569-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I know if somebody has put "finger" on me? (unix) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (Hee hee.) Well, there's a tingling sensation in your RAM disk, and } you start swapping a little faster, and-- } } Message from trinity@seventh.heaven.org on console at 12:01 ... } YOU ARE DISGUSTING, YOU KNOW THAT? JUST BECAUSE A 19 YEAR OLD GIRL } Message from gaia@biosphere.earth.org on console at 12:01 ... } woman } OKAY, 19 YEAR OLD WOMAN DOESN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT THE USENET } ORACLE IS ABOUT, AND SENDS IN A SERIOUS QUESTION, YOU START TRYING TO } PUT THOUGHTS OF DISGUSTING CROSS-KINGDOM LIASONS INTO HER HEAD. } } And you'd never do anything like that, right? At least the Father and } Son never would, and two out of three ain't bad. } } THAT WAS DIFFERENT. I WAS SAVING THE WORLD. } } Oh yeah? Things sure look a lot better than when Zeus was running } things, that's for sure. Gee, maybe *I* should establish a } "monotheistic" faith with a body of holy scripture. } } WATCH IT. THAT NEEDLEDICK ZOT OF YOURS COULD BARELY TAKE OUT A } CHERUBIM, LET ALONE A HOLY HOST. } } --- 569-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerfully endowed Oracle, please answer me this question: > > What is/are the most Unpopular flavours of Ice cream at Baskin Robins? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Top Ten Most Unpopular Flavours at Baskin Robbins: } } 10. Trout Surprise } 9. Mint Condom } 8. Sweatsock Swirl } 7. Meadowmuffin Sherbet } 6. Crunchy Frog } 5. Malted Moth Ball } 4. Grecian Formula } 3. Dust Bunny Delight } 2. Escargot Extravanganza } } And the Number One most unpopular flavour: SPUMONI!