From oracle-request Wed Jun 9 11:28:41 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA26289; Wed, 9 Jun 1993 11:28:41 -0500 Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 11:28:41 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #567 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 567 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #567 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1993 11:28:41 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 567 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 562 56 votes 2aof5 8kj63 4cqa4 07hgg 15lgd 18f4s 7in44 2nr31 cgga2 9ik81 562 3.0 mean 3.2 2.6 3.0 3.7 3.6 3.9 2.6 2.6 2.5 2.5 --- 567-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wish I had a scroll. How could I get one, Senator? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The ghost of the Senator points at the refrigerator and vanishes! } > open refrigerator } You stagger from the stench... } There is an open refrigerator here. Small green things are scurrying } from the crisper and running for freedom. } There is a scroll in the refrigerator. } A small green thing chews on your liver. } > get scroll } Taken. } A small green thing chews on your liver. } > south } You are in the hallway of a house devastated by atomic warfare. } There is a child-sized skeleton here. } A small green thing chews on your liver. } > south } You are in the foyer of a house devastated by atomic warfare. } There is the mutilated corpse of a young woman here. } A small green thing chews on your liver. You are very weak. } > south } You are outside a house devastated by atomic warfare. You can see the } charred stump of the Washington Monument to the south. To the east is } a jumble of the dead and dying. To the west is a six-legged } eighteen-toed killer sloth. } A small green thing chews on your liver. You are very weak. } > read scroll } The scroll reads: } } Amendment 34: Wheras the voting process is a time consuming and } inefficient means to determine which candidate has greater exposure; } BE IT RESOLVED: elected officials shall be selected based on the total } cash sum of money expended on their campaigns. } } Amendment 35: Wheras the provisions of Civil Rights legislation do not } accurately reflect the natural division among the races; BE IT } RESOLVED: the franchise will be limited to landowning white males over } the age of 35. } } Amendment 36: Wheras crime threatens every American, and wheras the } law enforcement officers of America are artificially hampered by } various "allowable evidence" statutes; BE IT RESOLVED: all evidence } will be admissible in a court of law. } } Amendment 37: Wheras abortion is murder; BE IT RESOLVED: abortion is } forbidden. } } Amendment 38: Wheras-- } } The small green thing has entirely consumed your liver. You cannot } continue reading. } } * * * YOU HAVE DIED * * * } } Your score is 85 out of a possible 100. } } 2485724 ~% mail gaia@biosphere.earth.org } Subject: New high score! } Well, I got 85-- a personal best for me, at least! What a } game! I really should get some sleep now... but maybe I'll try one } more time. :-) -Orrie } ^D } 2485725 ~% !h } helms_in_1996 } } You are in your cube at work. } Suddenly, there is a blinding flash! } > kiss ass goodbye --- 567-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a god, and if so, why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, of course there is a god. There are several, actually. I hired } them myself. You see, being All-Powerful, All-Knowing, etc, etc, } *is* a great gig.. don't get me wrong. But there are so many of you } mortals out there who seek my guidance that, although I act } effortlessly, unconsciously, and instantaneously, I still don't get } all the free time I'd like for my hobbies. So I hired these gods. } I handle the fun stuff--enlightening lowly supplicants like you, and } occasionally performing the odd miracle. They take care of the } drudgeries.. running the seasons, cleaning the place, doing errands } and handling requests and complaints. Great job if you can get it, } actually. Benefits include immortality, free room and board in one of } several paradise-like locales, great power, and every seventh day off. } } Don't bother to apply. --- 567-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Benevolent and Charitable Oracle, please tell your humble > servant: how can I, being but one person, make a difference? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. Well, it depends what you mean by difference. If you mean a } difference _engine_, then Charles Babbage can help you. On the other } hand, if you are looking to just make a general difference to the } _world_, then then there are many possibilities. } } The easiest is simply to destroy the world. To do this, all you have } to do is re-awaken cthulhu. Go and find a woodchuck by the name of } "Woody"--you will know him by his dark glasses and fur--and he will } give you the last surviving copy of the Necromanium. } } If you don't like this idea, how about simply blowing up Cleveland? } This will make you an instant folk hero. All you have to do is break } into the armys computers and launch an ICBM. Try telneting to } bombyou.mil, log in guest, password guest. } } Failing all these, why not simply go out and indulge in large amounts } of wine, women and song, and make a lot of vinters, birth-control } vendors and cooks very happy? --- 567-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have this strange compulsion to call the oracle "Senator." Can you > tell me why, Senator? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } COUNCIL : Move to have the question struck from the record. } SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Sustained. } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Mr. Chairman, I believe the American people have a } right to know who or what this entity is that has } replaced the late Senator Lugar. } SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Senator Mugspleen, please rephrase the question. } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Are you or are you not the Usenet Oracle, Senator? } SENATOR LUGAR : You didn't grovel. Zot! Heh heh. No, but } seriously, I am not the Usenet Oracle. Nope, nope, } nope. Just a li'l ol' Hoosier who done good. } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Then how do you explain the fact that a head } appearing to be that of Senator Lugar was found in } Sock's water bowl this morning? } SENATOR LUGAR : On the advice of my council, I-- } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : Never mind, Senator. } SENATOR HOGCHOWDER: Are we quite through, gentlemen? Senator Lugar has } Senate Foreign Relations committee meeting to } chair. } SENATOR MUGSPLEEN : I have no further questions. } . . . } } "All right, kids, let's talk Germany and Japan. As I see it, we're } looking at nerve gas or neutron bombs. Anybody have a preference?" --- 567-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I have a little problem which maybe you could help me > with. A 5' 3/4" problem, to be specific. She is an insatiable > sex-tiger with an incredible great body, soft and warm and with > megaheaps of sexual energy. We've spent the last hour in bed together, > making fantastic love, in three different positions. She must have > come a dozen times before I did. I've got a problem though. I can't > repeat this performance more than five or six times a day, tops, but > she's so insatiable that she'll want it at least twelve times. What > should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Send her to me. --- 567-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, Strange and Mighty, or Mighty Strange, > > Did Jessie Helms really ask a Clinton appointee whether she > belonged to the "Monnet" Society, meaning to refer to the painter > Claude Monet? If so, has he simply killed off the majority of his > brian cells with subsidized tobacco or what? > > Signed, Art Lover And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, no, Helms meant "monied society": he wanted to know if she was } rich. Conservative populists like Helms like bashing well-to-do } liberals; they can tell their poorish constituents that the top } liberals are all rich elitist snobs who don't understand the Average } Working American. } } Brian cells like subsidized tobacco. It's Fred cells that are likely } to be killed by it. } } You owe the Oracle a culture of Jim cells and a carton of Camels. --- 567-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > PROTOCOL: Duquesne strides in, a manful expression on his/her face, and > a tin hat on his/her head. He/she flings a heap of sticks down in > front of your feet, and falls to the ground sobbing. > > QUESTION: Why are these trees red? > > CODA: Duquesne thrashes about on the floor, sobbing tears which etch > the marble, waiting for your answer. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PREAMBLE: The Oracle, not amused, flicks his finger causing a mighty } ZOT to melt Duquesne into a puddle. } } ANSWER: Because I ran out of green and brown. } } PAYMENT: You owe the Oracle a can of green paint. --- 567-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most all knowing, who knows where all my socks are, > and my lost watch, and my dog, and mom, I eagerly beseech > your wisdom and cunning grasp of the patently obvious! > > I am considering the following letter to my coworker. > What do you think? What should I do? > > Happy: > > All you ever do is work work work. You're no fun at all. > And you whistle. > All you ever do when you work work work is whistle whistle whistle. > Whistle work whistle work whistle work work! > Work and whistle, whistle and work! > Whistle whistle whistle! > Whistle whistle work work > Work work whistle whistle > whistle work whistle work whistle whistle work! > > It's enough to make me bonkers. > > And you'd like that, wouldn't you? > > Grumpy And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is all very ironic... } Around the same time I received your message, I also received a } simmilar message from Happy who was also considering sending you a } letter... } } Dear Grumpy, } } All you do is bitch bitch bitch. You are a major piss-off. } And you smell. } Bitch bitch bitch bitch whine whine whine! } That's all you f#cking do! } I tell you something, you try being me... } Do you think I like acting like Shirley Temple on Crack? } No F#CKING way!!!! I picked the short straw, and got the 'Happy' part! } To tell you the truth, it's driving me F#cking nuts!!! } The only pleasure I get is pissing you off!!! } Tell you what, Now I'm not going to only whistle when I work, } IM BRINGING A F#CKING ACCORDIAN!!! } HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU SOUR, RAGGED ASS PEE-ON!! } And tell you what else, You say one f#cking word, ONE F#CKING } WORD!!!... and I'll cut your shriveled Grumpy nuts off with my Pick ax!! } } That'll give you something really to complain about!!! } } Biding my time until that day, } } Happy. } } Grumpy, If I were you, I'd consider spending some time hiding out in } the forest. } } You owe the oracle a leg of mutton and some JD to wash it down. --- 567-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, mighty, powerfull, abundant, glorious, etc. Oracle! Please > answer me this question: > > Why do lemmings jump off cliffs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do you write to the Oracle? } } You owe the Oracle a lemming coat. --- 567-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Alberta de Rossolini? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A major 18th century Italian pasta manufacturer, who went by the name } of 'Alberta', developed a new type of pasta. Considering macaroni, } tortellini, and all the other established shapes to be 'far too } boring', Alberta developed a totally new concept in pasta - Rossolini. } } Rossolini were large tubes of pasta with one end open, filled with a } mixture of cabbage, bananas and sparrow intestines, or 'rossol' in } Italian. The addition of the ubiquitous 'ini' suffix produced the } new taste sensation, 'rossolini'. The sales were slow at first, but } then picked up as Italian high society discovered the product. After } a few months, however, Alberta fell into the mixing vats and was } ground up and inadvertedly inserted into her own pasta tubes as part } of the rossol. } } So, Alberta was soon dubbed 'Alberta di Rossolini', or 'Alberta, you } know, the one who became as of rossol'. Over the years, 'di' has } been corrupted to 'de', but the story remains the same. } } So, Alberta de Rossolini is a term which can be applied to any } entrepreneur who literally throws themself into the development of } their product. } } You owe the Oracle a biographical dictionary.