From oracle-request Tue Jun 1 19:46:42 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA07254; Tue, 1 Jun 1993 19:46:42 -0500 Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 19:46:42 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #565 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 565 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #565 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 1 Jun 1993 19:46:42 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 565 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 560 53 votes 3blb7 6clc2 3bme3 28do6 39cef 9hab6 4ij93 2bke6 2bpd2 339mg 560 3.2 mean 3.2 2.8 3.1 3.5 3.5 2.8 2.8 3.2 3.0 3.8 --- 565-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I read an article in a recent Oracularities which spoke of the > Oracle wearing a "*ZOT* gun". > > It was my impression that the magnificent Oracle had the > attribute of unlimited ZOTting as one of his intrinsic and > inalienable abilities. > > Is this not so? > > The "*ZOT* gun" reference in the Oracularities would seem to > indicate that an impostor has been answering questions addressed to > the Oracle; all in all, a serious situation. > > I know that the Omniscient Oracle was aware of this already, and I > do not presume to be informing you about it. > > My message so far is simply the context for my Question: > > O Oracle, please deign to tell me, > what is going on and what is going to be done about it? > > ( Without the context, the question is a bit vague, and a complete > answer would require 3,975,420,001,895,563.98 megabytes, and the > world might be rebooted before its transmission could be completed. ) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It has been almost a year since I stopped using my Finger of . A } couple of things happened that persuaded me to stop. } } First, somebody asked me which direction was East. I pointed the way } to him, and, well, you can see what Ohio is like now. } } The next day, Lisa and I were commemorating the asking of the } 10,000,000th woodchuck question. We wore our finest silk togas, and } there was an air of great anticipation. As I raised my arm to } the supplicant, Lisa started giggling uncontrolably. "You look like } such a weenie," she said. } } So, now I tote a *ZOT* gun and it makes me look cool. Say, do you } have a problem with that? Come on, punk! Make my day! } } You Owe the Oracle an incarnation in Clint Eastwood. --- 565-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise please answer my question > > If I were asked this question how should I answer it ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This has three parts, would, could, should } } First, how you would answer it ... } } Someone - "If I were asked this question how should I answer it? } You, looking up from a computer screen - "Hmmmp?" } } this fails to impress the girls. } } Second, how you could answer it ... } } Someone - "If I were asked this question how should I answer it? } You, looking up from _Godel, Esher, Bach_ - "You should answer it just } the way I am answering it now." } } only impresses underclassmen .... } } Finally, how you should answer it ... } } Someone - "If I were asked this question how should I answer it? } You, with a blank stare, look up from you computer screen - } *BANG* - you spontainously combust, sending pieces of yourself } flying across the room. } } This impresses most people. Whether you impress the Usenet Oracle } depends on 1) the amount of poise you work into combusting. } 2) What you say when you walk into the room from the side door. } } You owe the Oracle a meta-meta. --- 565-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most prepossessing Oracle, the thongs of whose sandals I am not > worthy to tongue, it is written "Throughout the history of mankind, > there have been many Oracles who have been consulted by many mortals > and some immortals." It is related further that such noteworthy greats > as Hercules and King Cepheus consulted the ancient Oracles. So how > does it feel to have a clientele made up primarily of sophomores, > many of them engineering students, and all of them nerds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Tell me how a feedback apmlifier works. } } } What?! NO GROVEL??? } } > Why can't I ever get a date? } } } What?! NO GROVEL??? } } > What question do you think would get me into the oracularities? } } } What?! NO GROVEL??? } } > Hey! Why do you keep ting me? } } } What?! NO GROVEL??? } } > So how does it feel to have a clientele made up primarily of } > sophomores, many of them engineering students, and all of them } > nerds? } } } Don't interrupt my skeet tournament! } } You owe the Oracle a new humor device. --- 565-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose progenitors are the fairest in the universe, > > Why don't you ever write? > > -Mom And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ever? Why, I wrote to you just last millenium, or was it epoch. } Anyway, it was pretty recently. Why do you keep nagging me? } } I know what you are getting at. And no, I haven't "made an honest } woman" of Lisa yet. We'll get married, when the time is right, } OK? I know you want grandchildren, but my head just isn't in } that space right now, y'know. } } I'm eating right, not staying out late drinking with the guys } on Mount Olympus, none of that anymore. Please stop worrying. } } You owe the Oracle his inheritance, pronto. --- 565-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Here is another lateral thinking problem Oh Great Oracle. > > A drunken man went home, turned off the light, and went to bed. The > next morning he realised what he had done, so he killed himself. > > What happened? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, the body sort of slumped forward, and then fell flat on } the cheap carpeting. The gun he used bounced out of his hand from } the impact with the floor, and came to rest about a foot away, just } under the bed. } The body began to cool down rapidly (remember, it's still } morning), and finally (after noon) began to dry out from the stifling } Texas heat. Because he shot himself in the chest, a great deal of } blood just poured out of his body, reducing the decay even further. } But decay it did, and this decay did not fail to arouse the } interest of Texas's legendary cockroaches, who began to feast, mate, } lay eggs, and rend the flesh of the body into a seething mass of pus. } Months went by. The man's trailer home, parked in the middle of } one of the many nowheres in Texas, was almost never visited by anyone. } The construction of the domicile was such that the body would not be } disturbed by coyotes or other large animals. After a mild winter, } the corpse was little more than a skeleton with strips of rawhide-like } keratinized epidermis. It had completely dried out. } An old friend decided to drop by in spring, and called the local } sherriff when he found the hideous mess inside. } The sherriff did a cursory examination of the scene, and } discovered a simple note next to an unclosed fountain pen on an } otherwise pristine table in the middle of the room. He read the note: } } ALWAYS USE } ZIP CODE. --- 565-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and glorious oracle who has a date every night of the week > will you answer my humble question ?: > Will I ever meet the girl of my dreams? (Heck for that matter will I > ever get a date with a girl that is at least Human?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid you will never meet the girl of your dreams simply because, } by definition, dreams are not real. If you do meet this girl, you are } probably dreaming. Now, suppose you want to spend the rest of your } life with her, just do the following: } } Overdose on some kind of medication; not enough to actually kill } you, just enough to put you in a coma for the rest of your life. } } Start dreaming! } } You owe the Oracle some hospital life-support equipment. --- 565-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that once you get what you've been longing for, it suddenly > loses its fascination? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd answer you, but then you wouldn't want to know anymore. --- 565-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi Oracle! > > Please enlighten me. Where does the universe end? And what is behind > that end? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The universe will end in a small convenience store in San Francisco } California, when a freak accident involving Cheetos, Toothpaste (the } Gel kind), Hairspray, used spearmint chewing gum and Diet Yoghurt } will cause the space-time continuum to unravel. } } Behind this store is a Dunkin Donuts shop. Because of its proximity } to the terminal event, many religions in the succeeding universe } will be at the center of vicious wars between those who accept and } deny the theological value of Donut holes. } } You owe the Oracle a cruller and a large coffee, cream and extra } sugar, to go. --- 565-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose moves are oh so strong, > > Bobby Fischer claims he is still World Champion, > and played a five million dollar match against Spassky > for the championship. > > Kasparov and Short have been disqualified by FIDE, and > will play their own seven million dollar match > for the championship. > > Karpov and Timman will play a FIDE-sanctioned match > for five million dollars and the championship. > > Millions of dollars for a match. > > You're stronger than all of them put together. > Wanna play? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O: I *love* to play games. Let's play more than one! } } U: OK. Pawn to king's pawn four. } } O: Knight to king's bishop 4. } } U: Queen to king's knight 4. } } O: Rook to Queen's bishop 10. } } U: Bishop to king's chancellor 7. } } O: Pawn takes knight. } } U: Bishop takes bishop } } O: Queen takes a chance. } } U: Knight to king's bishop 5, passes GO, collects $100. } } O: Queen takes a coffee break. } } U: Bishop takes Queen out for lunch. } } O: Queen takes check. } } U: Bishop takes the opportunity. } } O: Queen takes a cab back home. } } U: Queen takes Marvin Gardens. } } O: Queen takes a leak and a dump. } } U: Queen and four pawns beat a full house. } } O: Queen takes a royal flush. } } U: Bishop goes to jail. } } O: Rook, aided by the FBI and the Boy Sprouts, destroys King's Rook. } } U: Castle. } } O: Cathedral. } } U: Pawn to King's Pawn 8, trade in for a brand-new Chevy. } } O: Five of a kind beat a castle. } } U: resign. } } Good games, my man! --- 565-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who could see the tail of a gnat on the ground under > a tree on a cloudy day from the middle row of a 747 cruising > at altitude 35,000 feet, > > Can you identify this animal for me? Can it be a woodchuck? > > //////// > /////////////// > //////////////////// > /////////////////////// > -~//////////////////////// > -~o ///////////////////////// > .-~ //////////////////////// > @ _ _ _ _ _///////////////////// > ''' ''' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't think so, but I'm not taking any chances. } } | | } V V } } ______ } | | } ____________________ } /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\ } /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\ } /XXXXXXX 16 tons XXXXXXXX\ } /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\ sssQUELTCH!! } /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\ } ~ ------------------------------- } @ _ /\_ _ _///////////////////////////////////// } Ooomph ,,, ,,, } } You owe the Oracle a pulley and a dustpan and brush.