From oracle-request Thu Apr 22 23:42:56 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA04981; Thu, 22 Apr 1993 23:42:56 -0500 Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1993 23:42:56 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #557 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: #uz~Ma5G?lX"lQv,9/$d0hEy7pk]l$U^|3Otd8>?b"!\/AE_F0Lm!['3"[}DQFw9 qxsx)mp$|3:}1pa:lK6H"H8TH+;E(w1r09e:3vpnx4zyC.v?+v%088"=)bs-,Q[: c2NWk',v>VQ^Hhf_zG5Okg;[vkGO%8`7T*XW0SepJNfCbVa",Dmvk-C/K|-uX*!e uK1Yc!-``R-$q(;"a@3 sgw_x[EK!Z)HJ~yxbd+mg{krWs0NA!1h/aXR X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with cs.indiana.edu:/pub/faces. === 557 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #557 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1993 23:42:56 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 557 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 552 57 votes 8pg71 5fo67 4gna4 37dgi 8gk85 3nk83 5hjb5 8hea8 doe33 3kfe5 552 2.8 mean 2.4 2.9 2.9 3.7 2.8 2.7 2.9 2.9 2.3 3.0 --- 557-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What message can I have my .login file put on my screen to dissuade me > from reading USENET groups when I ought to be working? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [ Automated Retroactive Minimal Moderation -- hit n to skip ] --- 557-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle! > > Who is Kibo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 8:1 And KIBO asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I am? } } 8:2 And they said, Some say that thou art Bill Gates; some, Elvis, } others, Jesus or BoB or one of that crowd. } } 8:3 He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am? } } 8:4 And James Parry answered and said, Thou art Kibo, son of the living } Barney the Dinosaur. --- 557-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O magnificent Oracle of everlasting knowledge, I beg thee for > enlightment on a simple matter connected to my material world. > > Did John Lennon have life insurance? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, John Lennon believed that all you need is love, } love is all you need, } love is all you need, } love is all you need, } love is all you need, } love is all you need, } love is all you need. } } You owe the Oracle some love. --- 557-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, most wise, most wonderful, most knowledgeable, > > I represent a group of manufacturing interests in seeking Your Advice > regarding the possible registration of several of our new products as > "Politically Correct (tm)". > > Without going into details at this stage, we feel that our products > will uphold and further enhance the reputation carried by the > trade-mark in the marketplace, and so we feel confident of acceptance > into the Registry. > > Having contacted the relevant Government authority, they gave us this > address: > Registry Office, > Generic Trademarks Inc., > oracle@cs.indiana.edu > > which, unless we are sadly mistaken, must be one of Your Wholly-Owned > Subsidiaries. Would You then be in a position to send me the details > of the registration fees for the abovementioned trade-mark and any > other trade-marks Your Subsidiary may hold? > > Genuflecting, in advance, > > Nam Tekram > Marketing Director > Relevant Products For the Nineties Inc. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. TEKRAM , } } Thank you for considering applying for registry with Generic } Trademarks. Our service will provide you with the necessary } authorization to claim total Political Correctness(tm) on your } products, once they have passed review. } } Your company, RELEVANT PRODUCTS FOR THE NIN, is exactly the kind of } company that Generic Trademarks seeks to further the cause of political } correctness. In fact, once we have had a chance to review your UNNAMED } product, we are certain that we will be extending you this } Political Correctness(tm) certification with little modification } required. } } When you are ready for review, please contact our Review Department to } set up a schedule. Again, thank you for considering our service for } verifying your Political Correctness(tm). } } Sincerely, } } O. Racle } Generic Trademarks } University of Indiana --- 557-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will the answer to this question be in the negative? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Maybe. --- 557-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I just received an answer to a question, and I wanted to let > you know that I am very dissatisfied. I don't know if this > jibberish was produced by a pathetic attempt at an automated > question answerer, or by a particularly illiterate priest, but > either way, you need to change the way things are run over > there. I've enclosed the question and answer, so that you can > judge for yourself. > Your Faithful (but disgruntled) Servant, > - Edgar > ------------------------------------------- > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Dear Oracle, > > > > I dropped a really important paper down a sewer drain > > in the street, and I really need to get it back. It's not there > > anymore, because it was raining at the time, and there was > > a pretty good flow of water going down there. Could you > > tell me where it is and how I would go about getting it back? > > > > Thanks very much. > > Your faithful servant, > > Edgar > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Dear Edgar, > } > } Regarding the paper you dropped, I dot think it were that important. > } > } As you probably know, I, The OmniOmnious Oracle, knows everything. > } Terefore I knows that the paper you dropped were a contract to buy > } an Immensely Big Machine-maker. And I also knows that it is loosing > } millions by the day, and your transactoin with that firm would have > } been a disaster. > } > } If you still wants your paper back, I recommend looking in the Water, > } because you lost the paper into Water, you shall find the paper in > } Water. > } > } There are certain rituals you could go through to gain your paper > } back: > } > } 1. Buy a green apple, and spit in 13 equally big parts. > } 2. Say Mumbo-Jumbo-Toilet-Paper-And-Carrots-In-The-Dark > } 3. Get hold of DOS 1.1 and install it on the nearest PC. > } 4. Install the same DOS 1.1 on a VAX 7000 minicomputer > } 5. Move a terminal to the VAX you just installed DOS on > } and the PC with DOS 1.1 on close together. > } 6. Run X-Windows on both computers while saying this spell: > } I Will Never Eat dogs anymore > } I Will Give The Oracle Half Of what I own > } If the Oracle Ask me to do So > } PC's and WAXes are Equal > } It Always Rains in Sahara > } And I'm all Moronity of the World In Person > } 7. Put ten silver forks in the back of an African Zebra > } while ridong on a black Leopard > } > } This should work. (It may not behave exactly as it is planned, as it > } is version 1.0) > } > } You owe the Oracle prof of purchase of recycling equipment to all the > } public sewer installations of the world. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you, faithful servant, for bringing this matter to my attention. } Since I do know all, it was, strictly speaking, unnecessary, but } welcome nonetheless. } } Our automated question answerers in the past have indeed been less than } life-like, but the preisthood have improved matters considerably, and } now even I have a hard time telling if it is Oracle, or just Memorex. } ("Memorex is a registered trademark of the 3M Corporation.") } Naturally, of course, this response is being personally written by me, } since you are one of my most faithful servants. } } Rest assured that the priest responsible for programming the automated } question answerer that composed the reposnse to your last question has } been stoned. Stoned to his soul. Stoned me like a jelly roll. And it } stoned me. Oh the water, oh the water, oh the water! Hope it don't } rain all day. And it stoned me to my soul --- 557-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, please tell me: > > How many sides has a paragon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant, humble seeker of knowledge, the answer is quite obvious! } If an octagon has eight sides, and a pentagon has five sides, and in } general, a polygon has multiple sides, then a paragon obviously has } a pair of sides. Two. Therefore, since no shape can have but two } sides, the word paragon has come to mean an unnattainable height of } achievement or virtue, originally from the ancient and now lost saying } "as rare as a paragon." } You owe me an argon, a shape which once had sides, but now they are... } oh forget it and just BEGONE!!! --- 557-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, whose table I am not worthy enough to varnish, > > Given that it is impossible to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, is > it possible to make a sow's ear out of silk purse, if so, how ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Getting desperate, aren't we, Van Gogh? --- 557-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Orrie, who's name, although remarkably similar to the most > exquisitie cookie in the universe, actually does not resemble a > cream-filled chocolate-sandwich biscuit in the slightest... > > How much can-can could a cairn can-can if a cairn can/could can-can? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Y'all may wonder just what happens when people send in questions like } this. In this case, the supplicant received the following response: } } } Your question is meaningless, and as such, has no useful answer. } } } } You owe the Oracle the entrails of a ram. Pay up or I will inflict } } countless phobias upon you. } } Said supplicant ignored this demand, and is currently suffering } following conditions: } } Aerophobia: fear of air. Supplicant broke into a pet store and stuck } his head into the lionfish tank, receiving numerous stings. } } Bufophobia: fear of toads. Not a big problem in most places, but the } supplicant lives in Queensland... } } Dvorakophobia: fear of unusual keyboards. Hasn't come up yet. } } Hispanophaegiphobia: fear of eating Mexican food. Supplicant is } currently standing across from the local Taco Bell and passing out } leaflets with titles like "Refried Beans: the Truth" and "Jesus Never } Ate a Tamale." } } Influoresophobia: fear of flowers. Supplicant napalmed a funeral and } was arrested for arson. } } Inspirophobia: fear of inhaling. Bill Clinton is the most famous } example of this condition. Actually, he's still a little twitchy } about Flowers, too. } } Neotrekophobia: fear of Star Trek: the Next Generation. } } Neoneotrekophobia: fear of Deep Space Nine. } } Parrishophobia: fear of warm bucolic paintings. Went wild at the } local mall and slashed sixteen velvet paintings of seascapes. } } Wacophobia: fear of CNN coverage of the Branch Davidian situation. } Kicked in his TV set. --- 557-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerfull one, I bow down to you to ask that you grant me > the answer to my humble question. What is the air speed of an > unlaided snail > ? > > [ .signature from a biological laboratory deleted -ed ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're the dang biologist around here-- I'm incarnating through a } system administrator who hasn't seen a living animal in six weeks. Go } do the Scientific Method thing, and next time remember to delete your } .signature. } } Message from kinzler@iuvax on ttyp3 at 14:36 ... } You weren't considering flaming this fellow and not answering his } question, were you? Y'know, I was thinking that an AI like you could } be very useful to a shop that uses SNA. What do you think? } EOF } } } } Er... unladen, you mean? Well, let me check... } } Boy, what a view! It's been a while since I've been to the } Empire State building. I'll just wait for the guard to look away... } sorry, my molluscular friend, but science is science... Geronimo! } } Hmn... 9.81 meters per second per second... flattening out... looks } like terminal velocity... Hey, I got a BMW! } } The answer to your question is about 835.12 kilometers per hour. You } owe the Oracle a banana slug cannon.