From oracle-request Thu Apr 1 15:07:03 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21839; Thu, 1 Apr 1993 15:07:03 -0500 Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1993 15:07:03 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #552 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 552 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #552 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1993 15:07:03 -0500 @@@ This month's issue of _Boardwatch_ magazine (Apr `93) contains a @@@ short, introductory article on the Usenet Oracle by Kevin Savetz @@@ (savetz@rahul.net). Available wherever fine computer magazines @@@ are sold! To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 552 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 547 51 votes 7ej74 6dgb5 459je 26ke9 97a9g 2chh3 5baj6 5gh94 15ddj 9dd88 547 3.2 mean 2.7 2.9 3.7 3.4 3.3 3.1 3.2 2.8 3.9 2.9 --- 552-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, whose depth of knowledge is greater than the Atlantic > ocean. > > Can you give me a few hints and tips on how to become immortal ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } incarnated as } Lie about your age. --- 552-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, whose knowledge of philosophy is > unequalled, > > Is this a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O supplicant of little cellular brain power, whose ideas on } philosophy are sadly lacking, is this an answer? --- 552-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much force is involved in an earthquake of magnitude 7 on the > richter scale? > How much energy is dissipated in an earthquake? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey this is NOT FAIR. The description said that any physics questions } people would ask me would be MULTIPLE CHOICE. All I would have to do } then would be to put it in a box, with a cat holding a pen. (It would } have to be a box which would be sealed from my omniscience.) The cat } would then mark an X onto one of the 4 possible answers. When I then } open the box, by doing so I observe the quantum state of the contents, } thus altering the state vector and instantly creating 4 parallel } universes, which in one of them the cat will have answered the question } correctly and I could claim that the question was so easy my cat } answered it. } } But alas. I'm stuck with your question. Let's see now. Force. The } Force is very powerful. The force flows in and around us. It is } created by the life which surrounds us. But beware of the dark side. } } Richter was a Dark Jedi Master, so the force required for an earthquake } of magnitude 7 on the guy's scale would be (thanks to a well thought } out 1:1 metric system) the same force required to light 7 green } lightsabers. } } Lisa, my blonde girlfriend, wants to answer the second part of your } question. She says "Since an earthquake makes things stop, and RED is } stop, green is go, and due to the conservation of energy theorem, } the energy dissipated is equal to -7 green lightsabers, OR, 7 red ones. } } You owe the Oracle a hair dying kit for Lisa. --- 552-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you make holes in a fire? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With a fire drill, of course. --- 552-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle: > Every day, millions of miles are pedalled away on stationary > exercise bicycles without that energy being translated into linear > motion. Since I was told in a college physics course that angular > momentum is conserved, I was wondering what would happen to the > rotation of the earth. Would it slow down? Speed up? Or would the > poles tumble? > Help me Oracle, lest my troubled spirit flip-flops! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You may rest easy. The effects are negligible, and nobody will even } notice. } } You owe the Oracle a 23-hour clock. --- 552-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise and Wonderful Oracle: > > How do I get my Very Own newsgroup, like James "Kibo" Parry has > (and Matthew *X* Melmon wants to have)? I want everyone to worship > *me* the way they worship Kibo (and Your Majesty, the Oracle). > > I realize I can go ahaed and create one, but that's not good > enough. I want a *real* newsgroup in a *real* hierarchy (comp?). I want > there to be a vote and have an Overwhelming Majority of USENET > people vote YES for it. > > Please help me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is of the opinion that if you do get your own newsgroup, it } will be in the alt hierarchy. We further forsee that the last three } elements in your news group name will be repeated. } } The Oracle does not recommend worship as an enjoyable avocation. In } fact, being worshipped can be a real pain in the godhead sometimes. } You have no conception of my problems. } } The Oracle does however recommend Logical Immortality. A (relatively) } wise human once said "When all else fails, Immortality can be achieved } through monumental error." } } To begin your quest for immortality, you need a garage and a rich } friend and lots and lots of spare parts. If you somehow succeed, you } will earn yourself a comp.newsgroup. Else you will earn yourself an } alt.you.oops.oops.oops newsgroup. } } Be careful what you wish for. You might get it. } } You owe the Oracle 666 Red-haired Vestal Virgins between the ages of 16 } and 21. Pretty Ones. --- 552-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All knowing Oracle... > > why does Columbia keep delaying the new Kinks album? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Friend: } } Columbia is just a tiny South American country, with many } problems. I'm sure that releasing the next Kinks album is low on } their list of priorities. } } Perhaps you can be Happy with another album? Rhino Records, } for instance, just released "The Village People's Greatest Hits." } } You owe the Oracle a new needle for His phonograph. --- 552-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oraclemeister, > When's the last time you took a bath? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ask your momma...she was there. } } You owe the Oracle a little bit of respect. Heh heh heh --- 552-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most wise: > > My doctor says that all the coffee I've been drinking has made me > irritable. BUT HE'S WRONG! THAT PINHEAD THINKS HE CAN TELL _ME_ WHAT > TO DO!?! JUST BECAUSE HE WENT TO JOHNS HOPKINS HE THINKS HE CAN PUSH > ME AROUND; WELL, I'LL SHOW _HIM_! I'M GOING TO TRACK HIM DOWN AND > BREAK BOTH HIS SCRAWNY LITTLE ARMS! I'M GOING TO SET HIM ON FIRE! > I'LL STEP ON HIS TOUNGE AND PUSH PAPER CLIPS UNDER HIS FINGERNAILS! HA > HA! THAT'LL SHOW HIM! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well I can see two options available to you } } 1) Switch to caffeine free diet coke } 2) Drink water instead } } You will most likely find the water more tasty and } satisfying --- 552-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, the great oracle of the Universe, who probably won the > Miss Universe pagent last year. Please tell me how to get laid with a > person of the opposite sex? P.S. I'm Female. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll be right over. } } You owe the Oracle an egret feather (you'll find out soon enough!)