From oracle-request Mon Mar 22 10:45:07 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA03591; Mon, 22 Mar 1993 10:45:07 -0500 Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1993 10:45:07 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #549 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 549 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #549 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 22 Mar 1993 10:45:07 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 549 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 544 41 votes 227o6 2am61 3hd71 5hd51 3aec2 56bf4 4fd81 ga843 2fg53 2df92 544 2.9 mean 3.7 2.9 2.7 2.5 3.0 3.2 2.7 2.2 2.8 2.9 --- 549-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wize Oracle, please tell me the answers three: > > If you are here, then today must be Friday. > If I am not confused, then today is Saturday. > Either today is not yesterday, or today is Friday. > I must not be confused if you are here. > Friday is not Saturday. > If today is Saturday, then yesterday was Friday. > > These Are My Questions Three: > > 1.) Are you here? > > 2.) Suppose that I am not confused. Can you conclude that > yesterday is not today? > > 3.) If I am not confused, what day was yesterday? Explain. > > Thank You Mighty Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are assuming that the Oracle exists in the same time-zone as you } do. I've got news for you; the Oracle is not only not in the same } time-zone, but I'm not even in the same time-continuum. Keep this } in mind as I answer your questions. } } 1) I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere -- but mostly I'm in Indiana. } } 2) Supposing your are not confused is more difficult than you could } possibly imagine, even if you weren't confused, which you are, or, } if you weren't, after reading this incredibly complicated sentence, } you ought to be, but, as I can imagine you as not confused, I have } to be honest and tell you that yes, I can conclude that yesterday } is not today, but the logic behind it would only confuse you. } Take it as read. } } 3) If you were not confused, yesterday would be saturday (for me). } But see (2) above. Since you are confused, I don't have to } answer the question; nor explain why I didn't. You may think } that I did answer the question or explain why I did, or didn't, } but I didn't -- you are just confused. } } Confused? You won't be after re-reading this in the Digest. } } You owe the Oracle a pint of common sense. --- 549-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Lurker in the Eternal Night, Bayer at the Moon, Omnipotent > Whisperer of the Unknown, Reader of the Black Book of Gannoran, Eater > of the The Fudge That Has No Name, I beg of you an iota of your > Infinite Wisdom. > > What are the four fours in a 4x4 truck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Four guns in the gunrack. } Four six-packs of Bud. } Four "Bush/Quayle" bumper stickers. } Four brain cells. } } You owe the Oracle fifty pounds of fresh deer meat. --- 549-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where I am going to go when the valcano blows? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whatever you do, don't run for the hills! --- 549-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, I want to ask you an question, but > the elves won't let me, they're over there behind that chair watching > me. how can I get them to leave me alone? > > Help! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [You see Marge, the Standard Housewife, standing on a kitchen chair in } fright. In walks, Pete, the Standard Husband.] } } P: Gee, Marge, why are you standing on the chair?" } } M: Elves! We have elves in the kitchen! } } P: Ha, ha! Calm down. I will just run down to the store and buy a } can of Elf-Off. Your kitchen will be free of elves in minutes. } } That's right! The company that brought you Zombie-Away and Ghost-Blow } is proud to announce its new product: Elf-Off! Watch those little } guys whither and burn when you spray this stuff on them! Spray a } little into the corners and any the kitchen counters, and the } elves will just go away! If you buy now, during our trial period, we } will include a free can of Gnome-Bombs! } } Coming soon, Monster Under the Bed Traps! Are you losing small } children to the Monster Under the Bed? Do you wake up in the morning } and find only a pool of putrified blood on your child's bed? Just } stick one of out traps under the bed, and your child can sleep safe } and sound. } } You owe the Oracle nothing. I got paid for this ad. --- 549-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise, wondrous, wonderful, witty Oracle! > > I run the computing facility at a local university. We have over > 20 gigabytes of hard disk space on line. Unfortunately, there was a > rather large party held by the freshman engineering students last > night, and they... well...I can't really say what they did until after > the police are finished... Anyway, the upshot of all this is that > somebody erased the hard drives, or the hard drives erased somebody, or > something in between. I'm not entirely sure what, frankly...there's > just this big trail of engineer vomit that leads from bar to bar all > over town, and part of it went through the main computer room. It's a > horrible mess out here. > > Insurance will pay for the hardware, but my main concern is > for the data. We can't seem to find any of the backup tapes (well, > except for one, which was holding an Arts student in a tree upside > down...), and since our off-site backup was adjacent to one of the more > popular bars in town... well...let's just say that I am a desparate > man. I have thousands of users who want to get at their data tomorrow > morning, and I just don't know what I'm going to say to them...not to > mention the loss of all our research work. > > Oh Oracle, who is all-seeing and all-knowing, can you find it in > your heart to help us? We ask for so little of your truly awesome > knowledge... > > Can you tell us what was on all those disks, right before they > got trashed? You _do_ know what was on them, bit for bit, don't you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In an attached document I have sent you an ar file containing the } filesystem as it was prior the party. } } This is not however the filesystem prior to its erasure. One of the } partiers apparently had root access. Here s a sanitized version of the } /sys/config file: } } I am a geeky oil-eared nematode. I love having cattleprods inserted up } my [...] I like fondue. I like fondue. DAMNIT! I LOVE FONDUE AND } WANT TO HAVE FONDUE [...] is a really good lay. The other night she } [...] hanging from a chandelier. [...] I am a sex-guppy and I love } swimming in [...] is so kinky she would program in VMS shell while } [...] You must take my disk of love in your warm and wooly disk drive. } I like beer is better than gnu software. I want Lisa. I would [...] } with whipped cream. I worship at [...] I am a scum-sucking llama } deserving a nuclear death. Mitterand is my mentor. I am the secret } love child of Bill Gates and Madonna. My poodles are [...] } } I have included the full file, which you should find quite revealing in } /sys/config~. After you see it and find out what they said about your } sister in the file, you might actually want to show it to the police. } } You owe the Oracle copies of the gifs made with your scanning equipment } at the party. --- 549-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hoe do I quit from KidLink? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, farm impliments are usable for severing links with kids. Hoes, } ploughs, and shovels are all good for cutting those nasty ties to those } pesky unwanted children that keep making noise running around the room. } Believe it or not, the almighty Oracle is also a parent. I have many } kid links that I occasionally with to get rid of. For example: } } >ls -l *.kid } lrwx------ 1 oracle 512 Feb 13 20:52 Jane.kid } lrwx------ 1 oracle 512 Oct 28 11:54 Tom.kid } lrwx------ 1 oracle 512 Nov 10 18:35 Andy.kid } lrwx------ 1 oracle 512 Dec 14 22:41 Jeff.kid } >rm *.kid } > } } See? It's just that easy to get rid of your kid links. If you have } eletronic children, like the oracle does, I highly recommend this } method over the farm implements. } } You owe the oracle a contraceptive and a dictionary --- 549-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me: If men have to watch porno flicks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you present a challenge. You have given me the first half of a } question, but not the second half. Let me try to guess the rest... } } If men have to watch porno flicks, then why is the sky blue? } } No, that doesn't make much sense. Let's try something more relevant. } } If men have to watch porno flicks, then women don't. } } Not quite right, either. Somewhat sexist too. The Oracle is fully } Politically Correct (tm) certified, you know. } } If men have to watch porno flicks, then men do not have to watch } porno flicks. } } Now we have a meaningless contradiction. Better, but it still } lacks something. } } If men have to watch porno flicks, and if X is a man, then X has to } watch porno flicks. } } This has turned into a lesson in logical instantiation. Fun, but not } socially relevant. } } If men have to watch porno flicks, then they are shameless, } smelly, disgusting animals. } } We are starting to drift a bit too far into knee jerk feminism. One } more try. } } If men have to watch porno flicks, then they will become quickly } bored. } } Ah, finally an informative, but unbiased statement. I knew that } I could come up with something. } } You owe the Oracle a mint copy of Debbie Does Dallas 12. --- 549-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderful Oracle, who knows what my grovel will be before I say it, > so I won't waste his/her time by reapeating it, plase answer me this, > my simple question: > > On my stapler, I found this face: > ........... ___ > | -- -- | <-- Here is where a \/ \/ staple is made, > | o | _____ > | --- | <-- And here is where a \/ \/ staple is made. > ........... > [The "o" is where the face is rotated to make > either form of staple.] > > What I want to know is this: Who was this person, and what did (s)he > do to deserve be immortalized by having shards of metal shoved into > various parts of his/her face? I suspect that it is some oblique > reference to Oedipus (from the staple being shoved into the eyes), but > I can't be sure. Whatever it was, it must have been a real no-no. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I give you the answer that I found in a book called _The Occult of the } Machine_ (London: The Eversham Press, 1911), a compilation of } eyewitness accounts of the supernatural in relation to modern } technology. (The editor was of the last remaining dregs of the Luddite } sect, which was against all forms of machinery and modernization.) } } "...Professor Plerr had kept his position as Lecturer in Theoretical } Mechanics to solve the general problem of surface-to-surface adhesion. } When he took me on as his student, he had become obsessed with the } problem of paper sticking to other pieces of paper. You see, it } appears that, whilst solving the set of equations which yielded } methods, there appeared a solution whereby no form of glue or rope were } to be used for this cohesion -- but _metal_. } } "Thus, he decided to set up a laboratory, and I asissted him in his } endeavour. We toiled away many hours, with no success. Only the } degenerate solutions -- metal boxes, bands which encircled both pieces } of paper -- gave us anything approaching our goals, and he slowly grew } more and more sullen. } } "One day, in a fit of exhaustion, I heard my mentor Plerr exclaim 'I } would sell my soul to the devil to only know how this can be done!' } And lo and behold, Mephistopheles himself appeared in a cloud of smoke } and brimstone. } } "'Would you really?' he asked, an evil leer spreading across his } unspeakable countenance. I cannot describe the desperate barter that } ensued; my heart was torn when all of my exhortations and pleas came } to naught. My teacher had sold his soul to the devil... } } "And what should appear out of nowhere but a crude, rectangular device, } with springs and hinges in a most odd fashion. Worse yet was a pad on } its base, which so resembled the stoic, determined, narrow-eyed face of } my teacher... } } "'Remember this!' said the Devil as he faded from sight, leaving behind } the wreckage of a broken man, weeping softly. 'Remember -- you shall } suffer with the use of every one of these devices after you die. You } shall have metal in your eyes and metal in your mouth. You will be } everywhere at once, and unable to move. You will stay, Plerr.' A } flash -- and then nothing } } "....the device worked as promised, but each time we attached two such } pieces of paper together, Plerr shuddered and blanched. He vehemntly } insisted, against my advice, that we patent it. When mass production } started the following October, he was delirous, and had visions of } metal spikes rushing at him. He died within a week. } } "When the manufacturers finally asked me what to name it, I could only } think of the Evil One's last words to my wretched teacher..." } } You owe the Oracle a paper clip. --- 549-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a feasibility-study? > What do you know about ISAC (Information Systems, Analysis and > Changes)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Personal Log, Stardate 2213.4. The Enterprise, commanded by myself, } James T. Kirk, has been dispatched to the neutral zone to intercept an } upgraded Klingon warbird, the Hutzpah. The captain of the warbird saw } fit to test the strength of his ship against mine and now we are locked } in a battle which I fear I cannot win. } } [The Enterprise shudders from another blow. Smoke pours from Spock's } pocket calculator. Previously unseen redshirts fling themselves across } the room and die violently. Lights flicker ominously.] } } Kirk: More power, Scotty, I need more power! } Scotty: The ship's had it, Captain! She's given us alla she's got! } The backup systems are failin'! } Kirk: Sulu, fall back out of range of their weapons. Scotty, what } have we got left? } Scotty: Captain, we've got one good warp engine, but we canna go } anywhere without both. Phasers are out, torpedoes are expended. } The only thing workin' in this ship is minimal life support, } gravity control, the one warp engine, the intercom, and the } Commodore-64 in the ship's museum. } Spock: Captain, given those items, I believe I can create a computer } program which can use the ship's gravity control as a weapon } against the Klingons. } Kirk rubs his chin: How are the Klingons doing? } Spock: They are as badly damaged as we. The only items working on } their ship are their maneuvering thrusters, their warp field } generator, their toilets, and the Klingon version of a Gameboy. } Kirk: Very well, Mr. Spock. You, Scotty, and Bones meet me in the } briefing room, and we will begin the project life cycle, starting } with a formal definition of the problem and a feasibility study. } Urhura: Captain, the Klingons are hailing us. } The screen comes on, revealing the Klingon captain, who is snarling: I } demand a temporary cease-fire while we put together a tiger team } and conduct a brainstorming session. } Kirk: I'll have you know that we are conducting a feasibility study of } our own, Klingon! } The Klingon cringes in fear: Do your worst! I am prepared to die! } Hutzpah out! } } [In the briefing room, one month later] } } Spock: Captain, I have completed the feasibility study. } Theoretically, we should be able to use the C-64 to alter the } gravity controls through the warp engine and set the gravity } constant on the Klingon ship at precisely one hundred forty-six } times normal. } Bones: Why, that's crazy, you green-blooded machine! } Scotty: You canna change the laws of physics! } Kirk: Gentlemen, please! If Spock says it can be done, I believe him. } Scotty: Well, can I at least take some of my men off of makin' alla } those charts and reports for Mr. Spock and get them started } repairin' the ship? } Kirk: No! More Gantt charts, Scotty, I need more Gantt charts! Let's } begin with user requirements, using the ISAC method. It has to } have a nice interface when I use it, Spock, really user-friendly, } because frankly, I have no idea how to work any of these } computers. } Spock: Understood, Captain. } Kirk: It has to be X-windows based. No, make that NeXTSTEP. No, make } it OS/2. No, X-Windows. Did I say that already? I don't know, } it has to be compatible with all those, at least. Just make it } compatible with everything, okay? Lessee, I want a user's guide, } all code fully documented, online help, full configuration } control... } } [Many years later, the two ships are still locked in battle, their } software life cycles still in progress after countless deadlines missed } and revisions] } } Kirk: Yes, Spock, I know the gravity weapon part is ready to test, but } those fonts are all wrong and you don't have the e-mail interface } working. You know I think no software is worth a hill of beans } unless it can do e-mail. No testing until you meet my specs! } Scotty: Captain, I have ta take the printers off-line. They're } overheatin' and gonna go supercritical any minute! } Kirk: More documentation, Scotty, I need more documentation! } } A Borg ship passes through and absorbs the two battling ships. A } century later, the Borg race suddenly and mysteriously dies out. } } So there you have it. I didn't exactly tell you how ISAC works, but } after seeing how any software life cycle method works, are you sure you } want to know? --- 549-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, you big lug you... > > What do I have in my pocket? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A ring, obviously.