From oracle-request Fri Mar 5 10:36:30 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21023; Fri, 5 Mar 1993 10:36:30 -0500 Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1993 10:36:30 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #541 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 541 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #541 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1993 10:36:30 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 541 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 536 49 votes 69df6 dce73 35mc7 4gl71 35chc 37md4 06hec 17eed 27me4 aa9g4 536 3.2 mean 3.1 2.5 3.3 2.7 3.6 3.2 3.7 3.6 3.2 2.9 --- 541-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle whose f'woop is seven hreangs long and can be bent into > a pretzel shape, to the infinite amusement of the ladies! > > Weeble over at Trans-light Propulsion got hit in the head by a krkkrk > wrench a while ago, and has since been having some strange delusions. > He thinks that he's some sort of bipedal two-eyed creature named "Mr. > Thedford" and lives in a place called "erth," where the oceans are made > of salt water. Now, Weeble has had some good ideas before his little > accident and we don't want to lose him. Is there any way to keep him > from going completely over the edge? > > -- Gorblat And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "I will not say Weebles Wobble But They Don't Fall Down"... X 1,000 } } Well, over on "e(a)rth", the solution to release Mr. Thedford would } be, according to sitcom law #54448-2939A-12 (ref. Flintstone vs. } Femur), to strike Mr. Weeble again with the krkkrk wrench. If, however, } according to law #3234-23-22334RG (the Charles-in-Charge clause), he } comes back as a totally different Weeble, who keeps chasing the } grmphknrd's all day long, use the Jetsonian rule and send him on a long } vacation. However, by law #234235-234-234J12 (ref. } Tiny-Toonian/Stimpsonian text), by my next letter he'll be OK anyway. } Oh, by the way Gorblat, nice fez. } } You owe the Oracle a Vermiscious Knid. --- 541-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me the greatest one that gets fingered alot: Why are most to all > men shorter than 5'8? What ever happen to tall men/ > Please don't ponder this question to long!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, but you can't use the term "short" any more. It's } insensitive, altitudinist, and politically incorrect. You are } referring to the "vertically challenged." } } Well you see, this is a new experimental program. Tall people have } all sorts of unfair advantages over the vertically challenged: they } can reach cookie jars on the top shelf, change light bulbs without a } footstool, bang their knees getting into small cars, and so on. } Clearly this is intolerable. } } To correct the problem, tallness has been outlawed. } } That's right. Outlawed. We're tired of fooling around with this } affirmative action stuff. Eliminating inequality in this society is } going to require more radical action. The anti-tallness campaign is a } pilot. If it works (and preliminary indicators are good), we'll } expand it to cover those who are unfairly smart, unfairly attractive, } and other such elitist scum. So many sources of inequality can be } cured with simple surgical procedures.... } } You owe The Oracle a brave new world. --- 541-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@shell.portal.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I watched the most recent episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, > and was surprised to see Picard actually get the girl. So what I want > to know is, is Kirk going to slap him with a look-and-feel lawsuit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, you have correctly guessed that "Star Trek, The } Next Generation" is a copy of an earlier production, and that } the cast and writers have simply moved to this new production, } but you have foolishly assumed that the earlier production } was "Star Trek". } } To help you understand your error, consider the cast of STTNG: } } Science Officer: tin man who spends all his off-duty time } trying to understand his heart } Security Officer: lion overcompensating for his previous lack } of courage } First Officer: man who has a brain of sorts, but still has } straw for a heart } Ship's Councillor: kind witch } Captain: kindly old man full of platitudes, but without any } real magical powers } } Also note that the action takes place in a Bridge/Main Hall } with large faces occasionally projected on a screen at the } far end, and with a small room/curtain where the Captain/Wizard } occasionally goes so the others can't see him. } } (It is left as an exercise for the supplicant to determine } who wears rose-colored glasses, why Q is a wicked warlock } rather than a wicked witch, and why the Munchkins have } gone commercial.) } } So now you see why Picard will never have a romantic relationship. } Whenever he meets a pretty girl, he sends her to Kansas. --- 541-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Most Wise, > > What is the largest prime number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a question which has stumped some of the best minds } in mathematics, but I will explain it so that even you can } understand it. The first prime is 2, and the binary representation } of 2 is 10. Consider the following series: } } Prime Decimal Representation Representation in its own base } 1st 2 10 } 2nd 3 10 } 3rd 5 10 } 4th 7 10 } 5th 11 10 } 6th 13 10 } 7th 17 10 } } From this demonstration you can see that there is only one prime, } and it is ten. Therefore, the largest prime is ten. --- 541-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ---/....//----/.-./.-/-.-./.-.././/--/---/.../-//.--/../.../..// > -../---//-.--/---/..-//.-../---/...-/.//-/./.-./-./.-/.-./-.--// > .-/.-./../-/--/./-/../-.-./...//? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } -/...././.-././/../...//-./---/-/..../../-./--.//..//-../---//-./---/-// } .-../---/...-/.//. The oracle is multi-lingual. --- 541-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Immortal Oracle, both mighty and wise, hear the prayer of a lowly > supplicant, > > They're poisoning me. I know it. I'm a paladin, and the rest of my > party can't stand me. They protest that I don't let them slit the > throats of held persons, and that I don't sneak into places often > enough. The last time I was turned into a deaf, dumb, and blind undead, > they left me to go hunt for the treasure. And know they're poisoning > me. I know it. What is the optimum strategy for breaking this > conspiracy while remaining Lawful Good? How can I lovingly dominate > every aspect of their lives? They're poisoning me. I know it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm, a difficult problem, I suspect the problem is not with the rest } of the party, but with a higher authority. I shall see what I can do. } } [ The great Oracle picks up the phone and dials ... ] } } Oracle: Hello, look I want to talk about fixing the problems with one } of my most faithful followers. } } Person: Pardon? Would you like to book a table ? } } Oracle: Who is this ? } } Person: This the Golden Pagoda Chinese Resteraunt. } } Oracle: Sorry, wrong number. } } [ The Oracle puts down the phone and re-dials carefully ] } } Oracle: Hello, look I want to talk about fixing the problems with one } of my most faithful followers. } } Person: Pardon? Would you like to book a table ? } } Oracle: Hold on! You *are* the Dungeon Master arn't you? This is the } great Oracle here, and I want to talk about the victimisation of one } of my paladin supplicants. } } DM: I'm sorry, I can't discuss individual cases, how I run the games is } *my* business, I'm not letting you interfere again after that } incident with the d13 dice. } } Oracle: Can't you take a joke, anyway, two of that party escaped being } fried by the dragon. Anyway, about this supplicant .... } } DM: No. I'm not going to do anything. Goodbye. } } [ The DM hangs up. ] } } [ The Oracle slams down the phone, picks it up again, and re-dials } furiously ] } } Oracle: Hello again, } } DM: Would you like to book a table ? } } Oracle: No, I'd like to a take-away please, I'll have crispy fried DM } balls, with rice, and don't worry if you don't have any, as I can come } round and cook them for you. } } DM: There's no need to be like that, I'll see what I can do } for this paladin supplicant fellow. } } Oracle: It had better be good, I have some hot oil and batter waiting } here. } } DM: I can't let the other members of the party know, but I've changed } their poison into water. Your follower will have to *act* poisoned } though. } } Oracle: OK, that'll do. } } [ The Oracle puts down the phone ] } } You owe the Oracle the plans for a d17 die and a portion of chicken } with bean sprouts and and egg-fried rice. --- 541-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most Wise, > > What is the meaning of the phrase "To wait with baited breath?" Where > did this phrase come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhh, humble supplicant, you have indeed asked a worthy question. } } To learn of the origins of this term, we must go back to the } Dark Ages, back to the days of dragons, fair maidens, and mighty } knights..... } } The dragons knew that the knights would be coming after them, to } try to kill them. Needless to say, the dragons did not relish } this possibility. Here's what they did to try to correct the } situation: } } They knew that fair maidens would attract the knights, that they } could be used as bait, as it were. What the dragon would do is } eat the fair maiden (mind OUT of the gutter please, thank YOU)! } } Once the dragon ate the fair maiden, their breath would smell like } maiden, and they would slowly and gently breathe out to have the } smell of maiden waft gently across the knoll, towards the } approaching knight. } } The knight would approach thinking he'd get a piece of fair maiden, } and would end up getting scorched with, you see, baited breath. } It's really quite simple and straightforward. } } The Oracle requires payment in the form of 3 fair maidens and a } case of dragon repellant. --- 541-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O wise and glorious Oracle, > > Why does it rain in the cities where there are no plants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE ONLY LOGICAL COURSE OF ACTION } } The Oracle had had a particularly trying day already. No coffee } had been prepared that morning, so He had had to smite an office lackey } in order to keep the rest of them on their toes. Then Lisa called and } told Him her mother would be visting next week, and was bringing her } aged schnauzer Pooky with her as well. He had already crunched through } three rolls of Tums that afternoon when God called and wanted to have } Their routine weekly argument over who was more powerful. } Now this. } WHY DOES IT RAIN IN THE CITIES WHERE THERE ARE NO PLANTS? } The question blinked on His terminal, over and over, for three } hours as He paced his office. Finally, after staring at a hole in the } rug for about fifteen minutes, He got up, turned off His terminal, and } left the office. } "Joanie, take a memo." } "Sure, boss." } "From Oracle to all personnel. As of today, I am relinquishing } control of these operations to God. I plan to spend the rest of my } eternal existence on a lovely beach in Betazed, where Lisa and I shall } frolic in the waves until the sun goes supernova. So long." } Joanie gasped. "Boss, You can't be serious!" } "I am. Joanie, do you know what it's like to have to know all } the answers and then put them into some semblance of scintillating } prose? It's not very fun, and frankly, I'd rather be snorkeling." } "Boss, do You know what God's like? His workers are miserable! } They don't get any vacations, they're underpaid, and they don't even } get free donuts on Fridays like we do! Do You really want to subject } us to that kind of existence?" } "Joanie, I'm burnt out. I can't think anymore; I can't summon } the answers like I could in the good old days!" } "When's the last time You had a vacation?" } "Ummmm....half a milennia ago. I think. I had those darn } hemorrhoids, and the doctors told Me to take a while off. I was back } in two days." } "Take a break, boss. Just go away for about three weeks, have } fun, take Lisa and go off to some beach. We'll send form letters to } everyone explaining the situation." } "Really?" } "Get outta here, cowboy!" } "Wow." The Oracle took a step, then looked back. "Hey, there's a } question on the terminal right now--could you read it and compose a } special letter?" } "Sure. It'll reach them in about two years." } "Great." The Oracle strode out of the office, then popped His } head back in. "Chocolate donuts for everyone!" } He laughed, free as a child, as He drove happily home. --- 541-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who knows more things than I could even begin to comprehend: > > Goedel's Theorem states that, given a logical system complex enough to > codify elementary number theory, either some true statement must also > be false, or some true statement must not be provable. > > So, I most humbly ask, is there some true thing that even you cannot > prove to be true: is logic incomplete? Or is it inconsistent instead? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has Its own way of dealing with logical paradox. } Observe and learn! [ The scene : the Oracle is in the hairdressers } having a perm and blow dry ] } } Barber : I say, what a beautiful shine and body Your hair has. } } Oracle : Thankyou. [ The Oracle pulls his undies and trousers up ] } Lisa will be very impressed. } } Barber : You know, I cut the hair of every person in this town; } except those who cut their own hair. } } Oracle : [ Looking puzzled ] Hold on, who cuts *your* hair then ? } } Barber : That's the problem! I'm caught in this damn stupid } paradox. Every time I cut my own hair, logic forces my } hair to reappear because by the above rule I'm not allowed } to cut it. If I don't cut my own hair then I *have* to } cut it because of the above rule. I am simultaneuosly } bald and extremely shaggy!! } } Oracle : Yes, that would explain why their is a strange rift in } the fabric of space where your hair should be. } } Barber : You're the Oracle, surely you can help me?! } } Oracle : Let me see.... well, there's only one way to defy logic. } } Barber : What's that ? } } Oracle : You must bring together the most logical force in the } Universe, Mr Spock, and the most illogical force in the } Universe, the Monthy Python Fan Club. The gargantuan } reaction will shatter the very fabric of Universal logic, } thus allowing you to cut your hair. } } [ The Oracle concentrates deeply and summons a number of people } from another dimension ] } } Spock : Live long and prosper. } } Python Fan 1 : Nih! } } Spock : Nih! is not a logical sentence construction. } } Python Fan 2 : And now for something completely different. It's.. } } Python Fan 3 : [ explodes in a shower of halibut scales ] } } Spock : You are a product of human irrationality. } } Python Fan 1 : You are about to be attacked by a vicious gang of } "keep left" road signs. } } Spock : Not logical, NOT LOGICAL! Beam me UP Scotty, quick! } } Python Fan 2 : Eke eke eke eke ftang zzzzipthoing!! } } [The battle develops into a frenzy, a rising crescendo, until..] } } <<< B O O M >>> !!!! } } Barber : [gasps] I can cut my hair! Praise be to the Oracle! } } Oracle : Anything to get out of paying your extortionate rates. } ______ } } The trouble is, O supplicant, you do not have the necessary } powers to defy logic, so you'll have to spend the rest of your } life getting confused with Goedel and other limited mortal } intellectual material. } } You owe the Oracle a proof in autoepistemic logic that Mount } Everest is two feet high and blue. --- 541-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Daddy, tell me the story of the Tin Woodchuck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, there lived a little } tin woodchuck. } } The little tin woodchuck was very sad because he had no one to play } with. So he went to the top of the mountain and asked the clouds, } "Mister Cloud, where can I find a playmate". } } But the cloud was full of electrons, and the little tin woodchuck on } top of the mountain acted just like the lightning rods on the Empire } State Building, and *poof* that was the end of the little tin } woodchuck.