From oracle-request Sun Feb 28 14:23:57 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA20428; Sun, 28 Feb 1993 14:23:57 -0500 Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1993 14:23:57 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #539 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 539 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #539 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 28 Feb 1993 14:23:57 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 539 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 534 51 votes 18hj6 27fha 2eja6 8cga5 65dha 26bie 1bih4 4gj93 4ii56 5eka2 534 3.2 mean 3.4 3.5 3.1 2.8 3.4 3.7 3.2 2.8 2.8 2.8 --- 539-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ooops, that should have read 'askme', not 'tellme'. > ^H ^H ^H ..Yer turkey.. > > ^Z^Z And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ooops, that should have read 'Not to worry,' not 'Zot to worry.' } If I'd been running on the old (slow) cpu, I'd have had time to } interrupt the job, but, hey, that's progress... --- 539-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh great and wonderous being: > > What is the use of the material that is found in my navel each > moning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Save it! Save your bellybutton fluff, Mortal. Bellybutton lint is } a prized commodity. Clothing made of bellybutton fluff is worn by } Kings! Throughout History, it was a Truely fortunate Princess that } had even the merest garmet of bellybutton fluff as a dowery. A } small cap of bellybutton fluff is a fortune. A shirt is a duchy. } A coat is worth a nation. } } You are fortunate, Mortal. Few have the power to produce this } fine material. As it grows, Mortal, pluck it gingerly from your } navel and save it somewhere safe. Protect it from those you would } steal it, and those, such as moths, who would eat it. Most } importantly, protect it from contamination by alien substances such as } pocket fluff. Pocket fluff reduces the value of bellybutton fluff to } nothing. After some time, you will amass enough of this fine wool to } begin work on the garmet of your choice. You will need to spin the } fibers into a thread. Weave the thread into a cloth. Craft the cloth } into a garmet of beauty. This garmet of bellybutton fluff shall make } you rich and bring you fame. } } Beware Mortal! This gift you possess to produce this valued fiber } can also bring great pain. Those who have power will try to capture } you and force you to produce the precious fluff for THEM! You are } a valued commodity, Mortal. Beware. } } You owe the Oracle a Designer Bellybutton fluff Toga. --- 539-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one tell me if I were to grovel more where would it get me in > life? If I were to fill your every pleasure would it please you? If I > were to tell you that I beg of no one would you care? This I ask of > you. And what do you call what a pig is doing when it is in a plane, > stupid. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello ? Did you *hear* me ?! } } -Just a moment, Sir, you've called the wrong department. I'll put } -you through to customer services. } } No, no, I don't want to speak to another secretary, dammit, I want } to give that stuck up twerp you call the Oracle a piece of my mind. } } Hello ? } } [ 30 second pause while the supplicant fumes ] } } -Customer services, how may I help you ? } } Put me through to the Oracle. } } -The Oracle is busy right now. How may I help you ? } } I have a complaint to make about groveling, and it's personal. } } -Sorry Sir, you want our grovel department. I'll put you through } } I DON"T WANT THE ****ING GROVEL DEPARTMENT! } } -Hello, grovel department. How may I help you ? } } Oh, I give up. } Alright, listen up. I want you to tell the Oracle I beg to no one, } I am no one's inferior, and he's an overblown prick. Got that ? } } -Sorry Sir, it appears you want the insult-the-Oracle department, } -I'll put you through. } } AAAARGGGHHHH!!! } } -Hello. Insult-the-Oracle department. } } [The supplicant reels off the longest stream of obscene language ever } to be heard on earth ] Tell him that! } } -Finished ? } } Yes. } } -Good. } } -You see I receive all complaints of this nature personally. And } -take them personally too. Have a nice day! --- 539-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle whose auspicishshshshes intellect I have not > hailed for a long time, but who I must consult as our news > feed is full, tell me this > > What must I do to relieve my boredom. > > Spon > ^X And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear befuddled Supplicant, your spelling of "auspicishshshshes" makes } me suspect you are already trying to relieve your boredom in your own } inimitable way. In fact . . . phew! . . . I can smell the fumes from } here. Use some air freshener, would you? } } Now then! Find a piece of paper -- a couple of inches square will do } -- and a pen, pencil, or felt tip. I'll wait . . . *tum* *ti-tum* } *ti-tum* . . . Got it? } } Good! } } On one side of the paper, carefully write these words: } } How to relieve boredom } (Read other side of paper) } } Done that? Good! My, you ARE a quick one! } Now, turn the paper over, and on the blank side of the paper } carefully write these words: } } How to relieve boredom } (Read other side of paper) } } Put your writing implement down. Take several deep slow breaths. Now, } just follow the instructions on the paper. Get back to me when you've } finished. } } You owe the Oracle some of whatever you were using when you spelled } "auspicishshshshes." --- 539-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Earday Oracleay, osay omniscientay anday omnipotentay, > > Iay avehay eenbay earninglay atinlay oughthray aay > orrespondencecay oursecay orfay ethay astpay everalsay > onthsmay. Ou'dyay ebay urprisedsay atay owhay eapchay > omesay ofay esethay oursescay areay. Owhay oday ouyay > inkthay ethay essonslay areay oinggay? > > Anksthay orfay ouryay imetay. > > Ouryay aithfulfay upplicantsay, > > Omtay. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I hinktay our'eay eingbay ippedray ffoay. ryTay a egularray } extbooktay. oodGay igpay atinlay. --- 539-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gee Whiz Technologies > 6549 Gee Whiz Blvd > Reston, Virginia 22091 > > 19 February, 1993 > > The Usenet Oracle > University of Indiana > Indiana, USA > > Dear Sir: > > I am president of Gee Whiz Technologies. We specialize in > developing extremely cool computer applications. Of course you already > knew this being omniscient. As you also know, some of our recent > successes have been the navigation system for the space shuttle, a "war > games" simulator for the Department of Defense, the so-called smart > house, and of course, are the technical lead on SDI. We are interested > in striking a deal with you, Mr. Oracle. > > As you are a resident of Indianna, and presumably a US citizen, > we at Gee Whiz Technologies (GWT) wish to appeal to your sense of > country. Being the technical lead on SDI, we are much interested in > your ZOT power. In fact, we are so interested, we are willing to pay > out the nose for it. We desire source code, naturally. We plan to > implement the ZOT power into satellites, war planes, guns, and > children's toys. There is a great market for such commodities. Name > your price, Mr. Oracle, and we will match it. We even will agree to > provide you with free updates. Do your country a favor, Mr. Oracle -- > donate ZOT to the SDI program. > > I hope that you find our offer appealing. Should you be > interested in discussing contractual terms please contact me at the > above address. > > Sincerely, > > Charles Alan Nerdowitz > President, Gee Whiz Technologies And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Charles Alan Nerdowitz } President, Gee Whiz Technologies } 6549 Gee Whiz Blvd } Reston, Virginia 22091 } } Dear Mr. Nerdowitz, } } I am surprised you decided to write to me and make that cheap appeal to } my patriotism, when you must know that I am aware 78% of Gee Whiz } Technologies is owned and controlled by foreign interests. } } In fact, having glanced over the Gee Whiz Annual Report (which will be } written in four months -- remember I'm omniscient) I have uncovered } some fiscal discrepancies that had not yet come to my attention. } } I have taken the liberty of advising the U.S. Attorney General to } carefully scrutinize the Gee Whiz Technologies holdings in Iraq, Cuba, } China, and Afghanistan. } } In closing, I would like to say that any further attempts by GWT to } utilize the technology will be met with a rigorous response and } actions for patent infringement. } } Sincerely yours, } Usenet Oracle } moose.cs.indiana.edu --- 539-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who is so smart that he makes mensa look like a group > of morons, tell me what happened to that really good question I had > to ask you, but just seemed to slip my mind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Didn't you check your pockets this morning? } } The question _was_ there......it fell out when you pulled } some change out for the coffee truck, and got run over shortly } thereafter by the truck, an Acura, a Chevy Nova and a Ford Aerostar. } } It was pretty chewed up by then, but a sharp-eyed woman named } Clarissa saw the question and picked it up without reading it. } She stuck the question in her pocket and proceeded to her desk. } } Later that morning....... } } Clarissa realized that she still had the question and finally pulled } it out and read it. She had a difficult time reading through the } treadmarks, but did make out just about all of it except the bit just } before "could chuck wood". There appeared to be a bit of repetition } in there, but she could not be sure. Being a biologist specializing } in rodentia, she theorized that the answer was probably } } W(c) = w * 2 } ----- } pi } } where W(c) is the amount chucked, in cords (as opposed to denim) } and w is the weight of the woodchuck, in kg. } } However, since she wasn't bored enough to test her theory, she used } the question as a coaster for her coffee and discarded it later that } day. } } You owe the Oracle an apology. --- 539-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most almighty Oracle, whose talents in all languages excel > natives... > > Pourquoi ne reponds-tu jamais a mes questions ecrites en > Francais? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Porque, no lo QUIERES francois! --- 539-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who art so wise ... > > Just how much is "a little bit"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, a "little" bit is, of course, smaller than a normal bit. } And, since a bit is a binary digit, then obviously, the only smaller } thing is a unary digit. More properly called a "unit", but often } refered to by laymen as "a little bit"... Of course, it is a pretty } useless thing, since it is always set to 0, and can have no other } value... } } You owe the Oracle a nybble, a byte, and an unsigned long int... --- 539-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohh, wonderful Oracle, smarter than the average bear, > whoes virtual shoes I am not even worthy to lick... > > A subject which has been a lot on my mind in recent times, is why > are fish smarter than dogs?!?. I mean, this has always been a known > fact throughout history, but given the considerations of some of the > worlds greatest thinkers (ie Satre, Descartes, etc...) who claim that > neither are the smartest and the title of 'most smart animal' should > instead be given to a small green patch of mucus living on the belly > of the south american 'wrindelwoodlegyx'. The 'wrindlewoodlegyx' is > little known to the outside world, but I am informed that the locals > think highly of the jelly that can be made by twisting its beak... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sartre, schmartre, what does *he* know about these things?! } } The Oracle could make a pun about fish traveling in schools, but we } omniscient beings are above such low forms of humor. The answer to } your question is that fish are clearly smarter than dogs. For } example, they are much better at playing dead, which results in them } being flushed down the toilet to... FREEDOM!!! The Oracle's dog, on } the other hand, is adept only at tail wagging and soiling the rug. } } You owe the Oracle one pair of virtual Birkenstocks.