From oracle-request Wed Feb 17 00:10:52 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA15007; Wed, 17 Feb 1993 00:10:52 -0500 Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1993 00:10:52 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #534 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 534 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #534 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 17 Feb 1993 00:10:52 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 534 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 529 47 votes 9n663 37ld3 jl700 3dj84 6aia3 7bi83 al952 35ge9 55fac 9dh62 529 2.8 mean 2.4 3.1 1.7 2.9 2.9 2.8 2.3 3.4 3.4 2.6 --- 534-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The mighty being must know the answer to this, because I sure can > not..... > > How can I make my socks like each other better, > so that one of them will stop running away? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Even the Oracle occasionally seeks assistance from an expert. } Here is the professional advice in answer to your question... } } [Scene: Oracle's office. The USENET ORACLE walks to a corner of his } office and steps into an old-style phone booth, much like the one in } the Bill and Ted movies, but without the funky coat hangers on top. } He dials several digits and waits.] } } [Sound FX: Telephone ringing, twice. The voice on the other end is } heavily accented, much like what you'd expect Arnold Schwarzenegger } would sound like after Maria Shriver hits him in the groin with a } tennis ball. It's the renowned expert on sex and relationships, Dr. } RUTH WESTHEIMER.] } } Ruth: Allo? Vhat iz your kvestion or problum? } } Oracle: Hi, Dr. Ruth, this is Orrie. I have a friend who is having } a problem with his socks. } } Ruth: His zox? } } Oracle: Yes, his socks. He says one of them keeps running away. } } Ruth: I see. Vhy does he say dis? } } Oracle: I really don't know, he didn't offer any explanation, other } than they aren't getting along. } } Ruth: Ja, ja. Tell me, Orrie, how is your zex life? } } Oracle: [shocked] My WHAT?! } } Ruth: Ach, it cannot be all that bad! } } Oracle: My sex life is just fine, I'm calling about my friend's } problem with his SOCKS! } } Ruth: Orrie, you must be honest mit me und yourzelf. Efferyvon who } calls me mit his ``friend's problum'' is calling fur himzelf. Und } vhat could be more obfious than saying you haff a problum mit zox vhen } your real problum is ZEX? } } Oracle: No, no, you misunderstand completely. I'm a } pseudo-omnipotent, quasi-omniscient being who answers questions from } worshipful supplicants. I have one waiting right now for an answer } to the question of why he can't keep his socks together. } } Ruth: Ach, yes, ve haff spoken before, Orrie. Are you still } fantasizing about Lisa? } } Oracle: [becoming annoyed] Lisa is REAL! She's an actual goddess who } pleases me sexually in every way imaginable and in a countably } infinite number of ways mere mortals cannot imagine! I have no } problems with sex at all. } } Ruth: I see you are in a zefere state uff denial. Do you masturbate } offen while you fantasize about Lisa? } } Oracle: [enraged] That's it! I have had all of this I'm going to } take! } } Ruth: Calm down, Orr... } } Oracle: [interrupting] Put a SOCK in it, you old bitch! } } [The Oracle slams down the phone and storms out of the booth. He } stomps over to his desk and plops down in a chair, one of those } weird Norwegian ones. Or are they Swedish?] } } Oracle: [muttering to self] That's the last time I try consulting an } expert. From now on it's computer simulations all the way. } } [fade out] } } You owe the Oracle a backrub--he's really tense. --- 534-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Joe - Where you're going with that GNU in your hand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The dyslexic hackers' convention. Gonna kill some jobs. --- 534-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I praise thee, Usenet Oracle, for your intelligence, wit, and good > taste in everything, especially software. You and I both know that > emacs is far superior to vi. How can I convince the heretics to accept > this truth and abandon vi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ORACLE ANSWER A1 V 80 Trunc=80 Size=12 Line=12 Col=1 Alt=3 } DMSXSU577E File has been changed; type QQUIT to quit anyway } } 0 * * * Top of File * * * } 1 JUST SHOW THEM ALL THE FUNNY THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH VI AND } 2 HOW REALLY LOGICAL AND SIMPLE EMACS IS BUILT. } 3 THERE IS REALLY NO REASON TO HAVE ANYTHING ELSE THAN } 4 CONTROL-X CONTROL-C TO EXIT YOUR EDITOR, AND WHO HAS EVER } 5 HEARD OF TERMINALS WITH LESS THAN EIGHTEEN ESCAPE-, META-, } 6 ALT-, CONTROL-, SHIFT-, INSERT-, SWITCH-, SHIFT/LOCK-, } 7 HOLD-, IDENT-, TRANSFORM- KEYS? } 8 JUST LET THEM WATCH YOU WORK ON EMACS. SOON NOBODY WILL } 9 EVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING ELSE, BECAUSE EMACS IS FUN TO } 10 WORK WITH AND EVEN MORE FUN TO WATCH! } 11 } 12 YOU OWE THE ORACLE AN EDT-EDITOR FOR HIS NOSTALGIC MOODS. } |...+....1....+....2....+....3....+....4....+....5....+....6.. } 13 * * * End of File * * * } } 1= Help 2= SOS LINE 3= Quit 4= TABKEY 5= SCHANGE 6= ? } 7= Backward 8= Forward 9= = 10= RGTLEFT 11= SPLTJOIN 12= HOME } } ====> } X E D I T 1 File } } RUNNING BITNET --- 534-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dyslexics of the word UNTIE! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Narrator: The scene is a dank dungeon underneath the Usenet Oracle's } ultraspiffy castle in the Alps. The Oracle and Lisa are } caught up in strange game which apparently involves leather, } barbed wire, a twelve volt car battery, a live ostrich, and } a *lot* of rope. } } The Oracle seems to be loosing. To put it delicately, the } ostrich and Lisa have ganged up on him and applied enough } rope to effectively immobilize our One True Oracle. To his } credit, at some point he seems to have taken a big bite out } of the ostrich, however this has left him with a mouth full } of feathers. } } Oracle: "Leb be go! Ubpie be!" } } Lisa: "What's that Orrie? I couldn't hear you } for those feathers in your mouth." } } Ostrich: "SQUAWK!" } } Oracle: "UBPIE BE OR BILE YOU!" } } Lisa: "Gee, I just can't } understand you. Here, I'll loosen one hand, and you can } write out your request. If you grovel sufficiently, maybe } I'll consider it. And I don't think you're in a position to } '' anyone. " } } Oracle: "untie me!" } } Lisa: Undie you? We left } our undies upstairs, silly." } } Oracle: "UNTIE me!" } } Lisa: } "I'm not your auntie!" } } Oracle: "UNTIE! UNTIE! UNTIE!" } } Lisa: "Oh, UNITE! Why } didn't you say so earlier? Ooooo, Orrie, you're so sensual } sometimes." } } Narrator: Perhaps we should leave them to continue this game in } private... --- 534-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most kind, whose teeth glow in the dark, and whose smile > casteth radience upon even the unwashed, please tell me why my > wife's horoscope in the newspaper is always right, even though she > never consults the Oracle at all. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's nice to know that there are some observant supplicants around, } yes, I use "ORIGATE" toothpaste, for that whiter than white, glow in } the dark, illuminate the unwashed, smile. A snip at $10 a tube, } available from Oracle Enterprises Ltd. (Warning: May disolve some } mortal's teeth) } } Horoscopes, are an ancient, and once accurate, method of fortune } telling and character assesment, this method have been passed down from } generation to generation, from the dawn of time without change, which } is a pity, because the star signs themselves change and over the years } the horoscopes are now increasingly inaccurate, which is why they only } now work for a few people. } } Today you are indeed fortunate, because the great, wise and omniscient } Oracle, will enlighten you as to what the modern zodiac should be. } There are now seven signs in the zodic, as 3 of the old ones have been } destroyed by cataclysmic events, one wore out due to over use, and one } was eliminated when I ed it. (I've never liked Aquarians.) } } The consequence of this is that the remining signs have had to be } re-aligned and re-named, as I am the great Oracle, I have assigned } these new names and symbols thusly: } } Name: BIC Symbol: The ball point pen. } Dates of birth: Jan 4th to Feb 19th } Description: } } People born under the sign of the biro, are often great writers } or philosophers, and are associated generally with people who } have a poor grip on the real world. 27% of the inmates of mental } institutions are of this sign. } } These are the sort of people who build castles in the air, and a } significant percentage also try and move in. They are examples } of great unreliability in relationships, and always run out on } you when you least expect it. } } Next week: } } Not a bad week, points to watch for are: } Monday: 3:42 pm Look out! someone will try to shoot you. } Wednesday: 1:12 pm Don't have the soup, the chef spat in it. } Saturday: 10:22 am Check though your shopping receipt, it's been } added up wrong. } } Name: CASIO Symbol: The calculator } Dates of birth: Feb 20th to April 11th } Description: } } People born under the sign of the calculator, are often great } mathematicians, physicists, accountants, actuarys and cricket } commentators, there is a very strong correlation between extreme } dullness and this sign. John Major, is one of the few famous } examples. } } Most 'CASIO's are tired and weary all of the time, and are always } metaphoricly searhing for the 'new set of batteries', that they } hope will put some energy back into their life. } } Next week: } } A typically dull week, nothing much happening. The high points } of excitement are: } Thursday: 3:28 pm You will forget to put sugar in your coffee. } Saturday: 10:12 am You find *three* misprints on the same page } of your paper, a new record ! } } Name: REEBOK Symbol: The trainer } Dates of birth: April 12th to June 2nd } Description: } } People born under this sign, are the sort of people who care more } about the name on a product, rather than it's use. These people } will buy anything with a designer label on it, and will drive a } flashy car (eg. Porche, BMW etc.), but be completely unable to } park it properly. } } Quite a lot of these people willingly subscribe to 'Readers } Digest' and actually find a lot of the articles interesting, They } also frequently drop foreign words and phrases into conversation, } because they believe it makes them sound sophisticated. These } people are despised by everyone who isn't also a 'REEBOK'. } } Next week: } } A bad week. } Monday 8:12 am Disaster! you discover your neighbour has a newer } Porsche than you. } Tuesday: 9:15 am Another disaster!, the label on your designer } sweatshirt has come off in the wash, so it must be } replaced. } Friday: 11.48 pm Worst of all!, someone points out at a party } that your Porsche sunglasses are fakes, you almost choke } on the vast assortment of fruit skewered on cocktail } sticks in your drink. } } Name: CRAWLER Symbol: The snake } Dates of birth: June 3rd to July 25th } Description: } } People born under this symbol are the down trodden 'yes' men in } any organization, there only hope of climbing the corporate } ladder is to hang around the boss, agreeing with everything (s)he } says and stealing ideas from you fellow workers. } } 'CRAWLERS's never make mistakes, because they never do anying. } The effect on the work-place when one of these people leaves, is } normally completely unnoticeable. The 'CRAWLER's favorate hobby } is back-stabbing. } } Next week: } } A typical week. } Monday 10:00 am The new design plans proposed, by the boss are } fantastic. } Tuesday 10:00 am Your boss has been replaced, It's a good job, } considering how bad those awful plans were. } Wednesday 10:00 am The new boss as made new plans, you tell } every one how wonderful they are compared to the nasty } old ones. } Friday 10:00 am Your old boss is reinstated, you explain that you } wanted him back all the time, and could you have a } glimpse of those marvelous plans again? } } Name: HOOVER Symbol: The vacuum cleaner } Dates of birth: July 25th to September 18th } Description: } } These are the people who are *obsessivly* clean and tidy. The } sort of person who will give you a cup of coffee, and then clear } it away and wash it up, before you have even tasted. You would } not be allowed to walk on their new carpet without removing your } shoes. } } The furniture in their house still has the plastic wrapping on it } in order to keep it clean. The shelves are full of twee china } ornaments, which are all dusted twice a day. The kitchen is } spotless, it is not possible to leave a plate unwashed for more } than 10 seconds. } } 85% of all cleaning products are bought by people of this sign. } The garden will be neat and tidy, the grass will be mown 4 times } a day and then combed, so that it all lies in the same direction. } } The busiest time of year is autumn, when 'HOOVER's go out and } pick up every leaf that falls in there garden, and sort them into } type and store them accordingly. } } Next week: } } An average week. } Monday: 8:02 am The paper boy has failed to put the newspaper } exactly 8.27 inches through the letter box and } perpendicular to the door, as per your instructions. You } ring up and complain. } Wednesday: 5:32 pm You notice a small piece of moss growing on } your roof, you climb up to remove it, and while you're up } there you polish all of the tiles with furniture polish. } Friday: 11:32 pm Disaster! You hold a party, and 3 people drop } crumbs on the floor, despite you asking them not to. } } Name: PINE Symbol: A pair of short planks } Dates of birth: September 18th to November 22nd } Description: } } This is the sign of the 'intellectually challenged'. The world } is an exiting and wonderous place, for them, as each day they } learn something new, such as how to tie their shoe laces, how to } switch on the TV, and many other things that they were shown two } days ago. } } Most 'PINE's spend all day watching game shows and soaps on TV, } and believing what the advertisments tell them. Many of these } people enjoy office life, as they can spend all day, playing with } the telephones and riding down the corridors on their chair with } castors. } } Next week: } } Tuesday: 7:05 pm The man on the TV tells you to stay tuned. } Thursday: 10:20 am The boss calls to ask why you weren't in work } yesterday. "Becuase the man on the TV hasn't said I can } stop watching~ } Friday: 4:29 am You are rung up by a man offering shares in IBM, } BCCI and Maxwell publishing, at very good prices, you } buy all you can afford. } } Name: WHOOPS Symbol: The broken vase } Dates of birth: November 22nd to January 3rd } Description: } } This is the sign of the clumsy and careless, these are the people } that spill more coffee than they drink. Typically these people } buy brown carpet so that the stains from spills don't show. } } It is best to keep these people away from sharp or fragile } objects as it will inevitably lead to an accident. Under no } circumstances should they use power tools, as many casualty } departments are aleady having trouble coping with the steady } stream of 'WHOOPS's. } } Many of them own VCR's but have never actually recorded what they } wanted, as they invariably loose the instruction booklet and set } the VCR to record the wrong channel, at the wrong time or both. } They should never be trusted, to do electrical work, almost } every power glitch you experience, is caused by a 'WHOOPS' } shorting (himself) across the power. } } Next week: } } Monday: 8:34 pm Repeair the mug you broke with super-glue. } Monday: 8:56 pm Casulty department are busy trying to seperate } your hands. } Tuesday: 9:22 pm Water that damn house plant, before it dies. } Thursday: 8:12 am Left car in reverse gear, start up and drive } (though the doors) into your garage. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the date and time of your birth. --- 534-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! > > I sent you a programming question a few days ago, and when I checked my > mail to see if you had responded, I found another question in my > mailbox, evidently meant to go to you. I forwarded this question to > you, and then, suddenly got another! This started to concern me, as I > was beginning to feel pressured to help these poor kids who were > sending me their questions. I sent both of these to you as questions > and still haven't gotten a reply, but I got two more questions. It > seems that your mail has been rerouted to my email address for some > reason, so I wrote a program that would instantly forward any oracle > questions directly to you. > I logged on the next day to see how my program was working, and I had > over 6000 messages in my mailbox! Since you haven't answered me yet, > I started to answer the questions as best as I could myself, but there > are a few that confused me too much or were to important for me to > answer, can you mail me separate answers for these so I can forward > them to the supplicants? > > First, the questions that I don't know how to answer (grovels deleted): > > |I just lost my girlfriend and am going to kill myself tonight. > |Is their any reason I shouldn't? > > |Did my mommy love me? > > |My parents say my kitty is dying and we shoud put it to sleep but > |I dont want to, but will do anything for Fluffy. is it okay? > > |Ok. I recompiled it, and the core dump stopped happening, but now > |the test execvp() call that you suggested I try stopped working, what > |should I do now? > > Then the questions that confuse me: > > |HOW MANY CATS HAVE SIX FEET? > > |I was told that I should grip the steering wheel at 2 o'clock and > |10 o'clock when driving. How should I drive at other times? > > |What has six legs, is blue and red, and murders people with a pickaxe? > > And finally, a number of people asked the same questions: > > |What now? (36) > > | (43) > > | (21) > > Please help me! I am particularly worried about this poor kid > who lost his girlfriend. > > Desperately awaiting your reply. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Frazzled and Harassed Supplicant: } } 1. I just lost my girlfriend and am going to kill myself tonight. } Is their any reason I shouldn't? } Nope. } 2. Did my mommy love me? } No, she wanted to be an opera singer and hated kids. You were } an accident that ruined her career and she resented it deeply. } 3. My parents say my kitty is dying and we should put it to sleep but } I dont want to, but will do anything for Fluffy. is it okay? } This is a traumatic time in your life and in Fluffy's, but don't } worry. Flurry will be reincarnated as an exotic dancer in } Honolulu, will attract the attention of an Arab millionaire, } and will spend her life in luxury as a pampered darling. } 4. Ok. I recompiled it, and the core dump stopped happening, but } now the test execvp() call that you suggested I try stopped } working, what should I do now? } Take a coffee break and work on your resume. } 5. HOW MANY CATS HAVE SIX FEET? } All cats have six feet - forefeet in front and two feet in back. } 6. I was told that I should grip the steering wheel at 2 o'clock and } 10 o'clock when driving. How should I drive at other times? } With your feet. } 7. What now? } Oblivion -- and the dessert cart with a selection of Aldebaran } liqueurs. } 8. } Sorry, the guy on the next shift does all the w**dchuck answers. } It's not in my contract. } 9. } Everything is about the number 42. } } (36) (43) (21) } Are those your measurements? --- 534-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One day, after it had just rained, Moses, Jesus, and the Oracle were > walking along the street, and they came to a big puddle of water. > > Jesus just walked over it without getting his feet wet. > > Moses raised his hand, the waters parted, and he walked through the > dry part without getting his feet wet. > > The Oracle -- > > What did the Oracle do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *Sigh* You WOULD bring that up. } To be perfectly frank, it was not one of my better days. } What can I say? My mind was on other things; my attention was } wandering. I'd been musing over molecular bonding and neutronic weak } forces and without really thinking about it accidentally dissolved the } adhesion between the asphalt atoms and everthing else underneath it. } Needless to say, I stepped into the puddle and went down like a rock. } I mean *DOWN*. There was Old Man Mose and Christy yelling and } screaming . . . naw, I might as well tell the truth -- they were } laughing their damned heads off! It WASN'T funny!! (LISA! Stop } snickering!!) It wasn't until I got down to the Morohovicic } Discontinuity that I got my act together and pulled up. Ruined a } perfectly good Oracular linen robe, my sandals were a mess, and I } somehow lost my portable data bank about a half-mile underground. } } I don't like having this incident mentioned; it offends me. In fact, } it offends me even more than your lack of grovel -- for which you are } sentenced to have the worst case of dandruff known to medical science } for the next . . . hmm . . . six years. --- 534-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grovel.. Grovel.. Cringe, bow, swoop, fall... > Worship.. Worship.. Beg, kneel, sponge, crall.. > > What question can I ask to make sure I get into the Best of the > Oracularities? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It warms the cockles of my heart to see someone so devoted to the } creation of humor for the pure enjoment of... whoops, wrong } supplicant. } } Even if I weren't omniscient, your trite grovel and your self-seeking } question would reveal to me that you are someone who has little } patience for achieving success through such mundane ways as persistence } and hard work. This attitude will serve you well in your chosen } profession as a politician, but irregardless, I would suggest that you } write your awardwinning question using the time-honored method that has } worked so well for so many people before you -- plagiarization. } } Yes! Don't hide your eyes, plagiarize! Make sure you are using the } talent of those around you to your maximum potential. } } You could: } } Find someone who writes winning questions and put a filter on their } outgoing mail to put your name on their oracular activity. } } Put a filter on cs.indiana.edu's incoming mail to put your name on } ALL oracular activity. } } Keep a log of winning questions and repeat them in 20 years. } } Gain access to a worm-hole and send a copy of an award-winning } question back in time to yourself with precise instructions on when } the question should be inserted into the queue to ensure it gets } answered by the original incarnation. This has the added benefit } of being able to accuse other people of plagiarizing _your_ ideas. } } Come up with your own award-winning question and steal that idea } from yourself (lessening the chance of being sued). } } You owe the Oracle a Doctor Demento tune. --- 534-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, please bestow on me some small ration of > your mighty intellect to enlighten your unworthy supplicant. > > I was just told that the proper way to drive a car was to grip the > steering wheel at 2 and 10 o'clock. How am I supposed to drive during > the rest of the day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Phew! That was close! } } I liked your question.. kind of funny, really,.. but I didn't } know how to ask it (this isn't really the oracle here, just one } of his workers), so I mailed it to the oracle, and fortunately } got your answer -- here it is: } } >> Gosh.. this is a tough one... } >> } >> How would you answer it? } >> } >> >The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } >> > } >> >> Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, please bestow on me some small ration } >> >> of your mighty intellect to enlighten your unworthy supplicant. } >> >> } >> >> I was just told that the proper way to drive a car was to grip } >> >> the steering wheel at 2 and 10 o'clock. How am I supposed to } >> >> drive during the rest of the day? } >> } >> Please respond soon, so I can get back to this supplicant! He says } >> he needs to drive to work tomorrow. } > } >And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > } >} Simple -- tell him to take off his shoes and hold the steering wheel } >} with his toes. Not only will it keep him limber, it will provide } >} amusement to every traffic cop in the precinct. } >} } >} You owe the Oracle a video of him trying to parallel park. } } You owe the oracle what he said. --- 534-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > Our records show that you are delinquent on your payments for > the Lifesize Lisa Pleasure Doll, Deluxe Model (with all attachments). > You have not payed your monthly fee for 3 payment periods running. > You still owe $8923.34 on the Doll, plus interest. > > If we do not receive the three months back payment within the > next 72 hours, we will slash your credit rating, and then send our > Collection Man over to take the Doll and anything else in your house > that he takes a liking to. His name is Guido, and you'll recognize > him by the fact that he has no nose. > > Thank you for your time. > > Sincerely, > > Ricky "Fingers" Spazinni > Immortal Collection Agency > > ("We'll get your money even if the person is > dead.") And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Spazinni, } My records show that you have already sent Me this letter } once before. The Oracle does not appreciate harassment, and } therefore I refuse to send your pathetic doll back. Your } pet monkey Guido is going to lose a lot more than his nose when } he tries to poke his lack of one into my pad. } } Thank you for taking up my valuable time again, } } Insincerely, } Usenet Oracle } } P.S } I put the following advertisement in the Herald Tribune : } Lisa Pleasure Dolls fake their orgasms! And they refuse to pay } their share on dates! Their price is as overblown as their } bazoomas. And what's more, Spazinni couldn't collect a phone } call!