From oracle-request Mon Feb 15 08:54:12 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA12362; Mon, 15 Feb 1993 08:54:12 -0500 Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1993 08:54:12 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #533 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 533 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #533 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 15 Feb 1993 08:54:12 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 533 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 528 50 votes 7caba 4eda9 aoe20 05kj6 49ld3 18fk6 8bhc2 5efg0 3abh9 4bq63 528 3.0 mean 3.1 3.1 2.2 3.5 3.0 3.4 2.8 2.8 3.4 2.9 --- 533-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi there Mr. Oracle. > > It must get awfully tiring, answering the questions of supplicants for > all eternity, so I thought I'd be different. > > I just wanted to tell you what a swell Oracle you are, and let you know > that you are thought of dearly by thousands the world over. > > I hope you're having a nice eon. > > A supplicant. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear A. SUPPLICANT , } } Congratualtions on your decision to consult the Usenet Oracle. } You, A. SUPPLICANT , are a very special person. That is why I } take very special care to personally answer the questions about } life that you have, A. SUPPLICANT . The small fee which you } pay for this service helps to defray my operating expenses, which } go toward research, information storage, internet fees, and a } number of philanthropic organizations. } The answer to your question is: } } PARSE ERROR. DO NOT MAIL THIS RESPONSE. } } Your fee of $ 1000.00 has been deducted from your checking } account. If you have any other questions, please feel free to } write; I always enjoy hearing from you, A. SUPPLICANT . } } - The Usenet Oracle } } form ORA 1129-763 (c/g 12/91) --- 533-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I! Hi'm a mtatng siugnaturei vir*ss. You cann~t reisth elping me > spre]d! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course you are! But you are dealing with an Omniscient Being } here, buddy! I know your source code! I know your programmer! I } know exactly how to counteract the ducks of your evil code! In } fact, I am presently taking Pringles to ensure that Quasimodo don't } infect the cucumber or the canine drives here at Indiana Frozen. I } have also renaissance my ZOT! zoology and mating call frog run } horseback shoelace very the intelligence ugly stepping motor up with } for what in plastic denied press pass whale explosion Oregon native } rescuing potatoe darn fork enter four how wood kill nightly inside } that sleep of death waht dreams may come.... } } Oh, motherteresa! } } You owe the Oracle that episode of Deep Space Nine..... --- 533-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wish to know about kippers. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, then why don't you ask me about them? --- 533-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ohhhh Mighty, Gracious, Omnipitant Oracle. Descendant of the Most > impudant one. Raveler of mysteries. Pray, try and answer this humble > X11 users question. > > If MS-Windows could do windows, How many windows would MS-Windows do? > (The most current version of course.) > > Ohhh thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In fact, this answer is a function of the most current version that I } am aware of, 3.1. The function is a cubic function, thus, a constant } integer k times v to the third, yielding 132.651k as the total number } of windows. However, this number contains a fractional portion, and } since fractional segments of windows can not exist, MS-Windows will } crash. } } You owe me a system reboot. --- 533-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O infinite Oracle, whose knowledge spans the Universe (and then some), > please tell me what the monolith in the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey" > was supposed to be. Do these things really exist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: The house of Arthur C. Clarke. A bright summer day. } Not a cloud in the sky, and so the sun is burning down. } } Arthur C. Clarke is lying in his deckchair on the veranda, trying } to figure out how to write a clever story for a million-seller } movie, so he can pay his next rent. } } Two thousand miles above him, a Boeing 747 (Show logo of airline for } some seconds here.) is flying above him, on its way to Washington D. C. } } Cut to scene inside the airplane. (Show smiling stewardess in uniform } of airline here.) Some fat lady is just disappearing into the restroom. } When she's finished, she flushes the toilet (in spite of a big sign } (with logo of airline) saying "Do not flush toilet while in flight!"). } Anyway, what she flushes down freezes immediately when coming into } contact with the cold air outside, as the disposer valve is opened. } } The last thing that Arthur C. Clarke hears before he is hit by a big, } almost rectangular chunk of frozen waste from above, is its loud and } almost painful buzzing in the air. } } The rest has become motion picture history. } } You owe the Oracle an end to 2001-sequels. --- 533-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why indeed? } } Why do you not grovel as you are supposed to do? } Why is your question so short? } Why do you expect an intelligent answer to your request? } Why does your question contain no verb? } Why are US gallons and British gallons different? } Why is "inflammable" the same as "flammable" and not the opposite? } Why is "to cleave" the opposite of "to cleave" and not the same? } Why are the digits on a phone placed differently than on a calculator? } } You owe the Oracle an answer. --- 533-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me why guys think that computer penpals and commitment sound a lot > alike ? Tell me why the guys you meet over computers and accidentally > see quit writing back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A good question indeed. The first part is easy. There is a } small region of DNA on the Y-chromosome, sandwiched between the INS and } SUP genes, which code for male insensitivity and the inability to lower } the toilet seat, respectively. This small intervening segment holds } the COM gene. It is responsible for male avoidance of commitments. } However, overexpression of this gene's product is very common, which } results in an aversion to anything partially homologous to the word } "commitment." Hence, the "com---t--" in "computer penpals" sends many } males running for cover. It is true that there's a well-defined subset } of males who actually have a great affinity for anything involving the } word "computer." These individuals have a 2.4 kilobase deletion in the } COM gene and overlapping into the SUP gene, thus rendering them not } only able to deal with computers but also capable of lowering the } toilet seat. These individuals are quite willing to make commitments, } but their potential benefit to society is lost because they're all } hidden away in the depths of computer labs. } The second part is more puzzling. I admit I have had the same } problem from time to time, but I suspect for a different reason. Most } of the mortals I have met personally have been those who earned } hand-delivered s, so their failure to write back wasn't } surprising. In your case, it has something to do with that string of } shrunken heads you wear as a necklace. Either get rid of it, or try } pheromones. } } You owe the Oracle an automated DNA sequence analyzer and a Roach } Motel. --- 533-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Oraclists Anonymous > > Help! I'm doing it again! > I'm sitting in a terminal room of the N.Y. State University and have > already sent thirty-two woodchuck questions! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Right. This requires immediate attention. } } 1. Write to all other users logged on an NYU: } } "Hi. I'm a supplicant, and I've got a woodchuck problem." } } > Done it. } } Hey? Well, umm... } } 2. Post in news.announce with a distribution of `world': } } "Hi. I'm a supplicant, and I've got a woodchuck problem." } } > Yep, that too. } } Whawherehoozah? Perhaps... } } 3. Grep the entire news spool for addresses and mail every single } one you can find: } } "Hi. I'm a supplicant, and I've got a woodchuck problem." } } > Uh, well, I hate to tell you this but.. } } Still got a couple more ideas: } } 4. Post in news.announce.newusers with a `world' distribution: } } "Hi. In my previous life I was a supplicant with a woodchuck } problem, but now I'm a new user." } } > Why don't you check in news.announce.newusers. I've already done it. } } One more option: } } It's called "Electro- Therapy". It's extreme, but this is an } extreme situation. } } Here goes... } } oracle% zot -therapy supplicant@cs.nyu.edu } } # ####### ####### ####### # } # # # # # # } # # # # # # } # # # # # # } # # # # # # } # # # # # # } # ####### ####### # # } } } } [The Scene: A busy newsroom in CNN's Atlanta HQ. Reporters running } around everywhere, papers being shuffled, alarms sounding, and an } emergency news report.] } } "And in an unconfirmed report just to hand, sources say that New York } University has been instantly vaporised, by what appears to be some } sort of nuclear blast. Just fourteen minutes ago, the entire campus } appeared to explode, and almost "flew" up into the air in many millions } of pieces. It seems that just beforehand a mighty blast of thermal } energy was detected in NORAD's headquarters almost `arcing' across from } Indiana University to New York University. Law Enforcement Agencies are } unsure at this moment if it was a terrorist strike, or whether it was } just an almighty from the Usenet Oracle, who is based at Indiana } University. We cross live to our Usenet Oracle Correspondent at Indiana } University, Steve Kinzler, for the latest. Steve, any word from the } Oracle?" } } "Well, not as yet, but it seems that the blast occurred not long after } NYU opened an SMTP connection with Indiana. It would seem perfectly } reasonable that the Oracle has simply ted an annoying supplicant, } or perhaps he has been testing his new Electro- therapy, which } involves large amounts of energy..." } } "Thankyou Steve. We'll cross live later to our Usenet Oracle } Correspondent for the latest. And in other news, President Clinton } claimed today that he in fact got a CompuServe account, but he didn't } really `log in'...." --- 533-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, please answer my question: When a president > finishes his term of office, he usually gets a library built > in his honor. Well, I don't want them to build me a library, > I want them to build me a pyramid. And Hillary wants one, too. > Will Congress let me do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, it's your library. Do it how you want. } } Besides, you're not the only one with a goofy library - just take } } Nixon's: it's looks like a sound stage } Reagan's: it's an echo chamber. } Carter's: it's in a gigantic peanut. } Ford's: it's in the shape of the leaning tower of Pizza. } Fillmore's: I don't know where it is. } Johnson's: it's a giant peach. } Lincoln's: it's in a log cabin. } Coolidge's: it's a crumbling tacks shelter. } Harding's: it's a pig sty. } Cleveland's: it's the home of "Monsterpiece Theater." } Wilson's: hasn't been finished because they can't agree where to put it. } Washington's: it started as a majestic building surrounded by } ropes, but now they're hopelessly entangled... } } Are you sure that a pyramid is what you want? Just think about how a } giant stuffed beaver would look... } } You owe the Oracle keys to the presidential dining room. --- 533-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should one feed monsters under the bed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is only one thing a monster under the bed will eat, and } that is the person in the bed. Arms and legs which dangle over } the sides will do as snacks, but are no substitute for the main } course. Your monster, by the way, is getting quite hungry. The } Oracle suggests you have a slumber party.