From oracle-request Sat Feb 13 00:10:45 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA10928; Sat, 13 Feb 1993 00:10:45 -0500 Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1993 00:10:45 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #532 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 532 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #532 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1993 00:10:45 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 532 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 527 56 votes 7cbfb 4djb9 5bcj9 aake2 3dhcb 5hjb4 49rb5 6ng74 29iha 2clf6 527 3.1 mean 3.2 3.1 3.3 2.8 3.3 2.9 3.1 2.6 3.4 3.2 --- 532-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ________________________________________________________________ } } | } @ } > } O Look Bob, I told you you can stick your head into the terminal. } / } ________________________________________________________________ } } || } O } > EEEEEEK!! } \ Wow, Bob there's the most beautiful wo... Orrie, Another } / geek is peeking } at me. } _________________________________________________________________ } } Jim, are you all right in there! It's Okay, Lisa } \\//\ I got him. } \\/// / ZZZZZ OOO TTTTT } / + + /_ Z O O T } | > \ Z O O T } / # \ Z O O T } / \ ZZZZZ OOO T } __________________________________________________________________ } } Jim, If you can hear me pull your head out. JIM...JIM! } } \|/ } -o- } /|\ } __________________________________________________________________ } } > Jim, I'm coming in after you. } . } __________________________________________________________________ --- 532-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A nasty looking dwarf is in the room with you! > > He throws a knife at you! > > It hits you! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Damn !] } > Restore } COIN ROOM } There is an empty piggy bank here. A stairway } leads up to the north and a very short doorway } is open to the west. } } >inv } You are carrying: } A cloak } 40 pennies } A large box } A USENET terminal } } >examine box } The box is one meter square and has a wire with a strage plug attached } to one side. The box is empty. } } >wear cloak } You are now wearing a cloak. } } >west } You duck down and manage to squeeze through the short doorway. } DWARF'S HOME } You are in a small hovel. There is an ugly dwarf here wielding a } large and rather wicked looking knife. For some reason he doesn't } seem to notice you. } } >get dwarf and knife } Taken. } } >put dwarf and knife in box. } Done. } } >plug box into terminal } The terminal begins to hum and the screen comes to life. } } >Read Screen } The screen contains an irreverent question. } } >Type "send to suplicant" } As you enter the words on the keyboard a whirring sound eminates } from the attached box. The lid pops open and you see that the box } is once again empty. From a very great distance you hear the agonized } scream of a suplicant. Welcome to Level 12. --- 532-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O thou still unravished groom of wisdom - > O great one still and casual as birds - > O nameless one above all - > Please answer the question of this insignificant being: > > I've been invited to have tea with Bill and Hillary Clinton next week. > What advice should I pass on to them from you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hoo boy. The Clinton administration will prove to be the most rocked by } scandal of any administration ever. Please don't give them this whole } list, but you may provide a hint of what is to come. } } Feb 19, 1993: President Clinton reveals that he once tried cocaine, but } didn't snort too deeply. } } Mar 12, 1993: Hillary demands that "First Lady" become a full cabinet } position. } } Jun 11, 1993: Republicans discover that not only did Clinton oppose } American involvement in Vietnam, he actually fought for } the Viet Cong. } } Sep 09, 1993: Clinton reveals that he once tried heroin, but he used a } clean needle. } } Dec 02, 1993: Hillary demands that the First Lady be included in the } succession, ahead of the Vice President. } } Apr 22, 1994: Republicans unveil that Ho Chi Minh was really Clinton in } disguise. } } May 10, 1994: Clinton reveals that he once tried Communist propoganda, } but he didn't understand it. } } Oct 11, 1994: The Hillary Coup: Mrs. Rodham-Clinton makes a failed } attempt to take over the White House. President Clinton } has her executed and replaces her with Gennifer Flowers. } } Jan 13, 1995: Republicans finally decrypt a 1991 coded telegram from } Clinton to Saddam Hussein: "I'm with you all the way, } buddy." } } Apr 01, 1995: Clinton reveals that he once tried murder, but he only } stabbed once. } } Dec 07, 1995: Addressing a group of WWII vets, Clinton refers to, } "those valiant and brave Japanese pilots who attacked } Pearl Harbor." He later blames a slip of the tongue. } } Feb 02, 1996: Republicans unearth a private letter to a friend, in } which Clinton refers to Adolf Hitler as, "My personal } role model, who I will always admire and emulate." } } May 17, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried bestiality, but the } animals involved were all vertebrates. } } Jun 11, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried necrophilia, but the } body was fairly warm. } } Jun 13, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried arson, but the building } he torched was of little value. } } Jun 16, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried rape, but she really } enjoyed it. } } Jun 17, 1996: Clinton admits to mugging, pedophilia, kleptomania, } Communism, racism, and once driving over the speed limit. } } Jun 20, 1996: Clinton denies ever trying LSD. Nobody believes him. } } Election Day, Clinton is re-elected in a landslide. The popular vote is } 1996 243,975,237 to 2. Election fraud is suspected, but never } proven. } } And believe me, it gets worse in his second through his sixteenth } terms. } } You owe the Oracle a plane ticket out of the country. --- 532-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was doing the Schroedinger experiment..you know, the one with the cat > and the particle that may or may not be there, which means the cat will > or will not be alive? > > The first trial, the cat was alive. > The second trial, the cat was alive. > The third trial, the cat was dead. > On each of 413 successive trials, the cat was also dead. > > Am I doing something wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's certainly one way to find out. I'll repeat the experiment } using your equipment and methods, but since Schrodinger's cat is dead, } we'll need another subject. Er, would you step into this windowless } room while I get the experiment set up? Yes, that's right, just sit } down and make yourself comfortable. I'll shut the door so you won't } be distracted. } } Here we go...at the end of the first trial, the supplicant is as alive } as he's ever been. } } Trial 2: alive } Trial 3: alive } Trial 4: alive } . } . (34 identical results skipped) } . } Trial 39: alive } Trial 40: alive } Trial 41: alive } Trial 42: dead } Trial 43: dead } Trial 44: dead } . } . (8719 identical results skipped) } . } Trial 8764: dead } Trial 8765: dead } } I think that's quite enough. Oh, here's the problem! The experiment } was running in Newtonian deterministic mode, not in quantum } probabilistic mode. I guess that's one mistake this supplicant will } never make again. } } Acolyte! Come over here, take a memo. Address it to Heaven, Judgment } Division, Reincarnation Section, attention of Saint Francis of Assisi. } Ahem. "Dear Giovanni, I respectfully request reincarnation of this } soul as a mouse, hamster, gerbil, rat, squirrel or other relatively } defenseless member of the order Rodentia. Reincarnation within this } order should be iterated for this soul over a minimum of, oh, 200 } years. The reason for this request is that this soul has been cruel } to Felidae and needs to learn the meaning of the terms `kindness } toward animals' and `food chain'." Ha, ha, maybe he'll be a squirrel } on some college campus where he'll get fed pizza and explode! No, } don't write that down! Where were we? Yes, "Thanks for the favor, } Joe, I owe you one. Love, The Usenet Oracle." Wait, I almost forgot, } "P.S. Lisa is really enjoying that horse you gave her last Christmas. } Who did you say last took care of it on earth, Catherine somebody?" --- 532-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mycroft@gnu.ai.mit.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle most wise, most great, most tall, he who always cooks his > rice just long enough to make it succulent yet not sticky, he of the > Infintesimally Holy Toe-Jam: > > Is it just my imagination, or is the Net collectively getting > stupider? Every time I read news, I see more and more posts that are > filled with misspellings, grammatical errors, logical errors, lies, > excessive and pointless self-aggrandizement, and sheer nonsense. I > see more and more followups to reasonably intelligent posts that > involve single quotes from the original post and an insulting non > sequitur by the follower-up. I see more and more demands by certain > rude parties that other people stop posting to "their" newsgroup, > because they disagree with the rude party and are thus unfit to live. > I see more and more flames that duplicate in spades whatever the > flaming party is complaining about, whether it be illogicity, poor > spelling and grammar, or belligerence. I mean, I'm neither Mother > Theresa nor Albert Einstein, but I'm neither am I rude and stupid, and > I don't see why some people consider it a virtue to broadcast their > rudeness and stupidity at top volume. (Even some of Your incarnations > choose to answer questions with, "I'm busy. Don't ask me such a dumb > question!") Is there indeed a worsening trend in all this, or did I > at some point fall into a Kinder and Gentler Warp from which I am just > now emerging? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shut up, stupid. --- 532-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omnipotetant and everlastingly carnivorous -er, most highly > regarded advise giver and all around good guy Oracle, please, need to > know... I must know... I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW: > > Is there anything at all that you are absolutely forbidden to answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, look, if I told you "no," you'd start asking me absurd questions } in the belief that I'd actually tell you the truth--like, "What is } God's phone number," and all that crap, and soon I'd be spending all my } time making up crap to keep you happy, and then I'd get mad and } you. And if I told you "yes," then your next question would be, "What } questions are you forbidden to answer?", and if I didn't answer that } you'd know that that was one of the forbidden questions, and if I told } you what I couldn't answer you'd start asking me those questions, and } then pretty soon in either case you'd be asking impossible questions } all the time, and then sooner or later my circuits would just fail me } and } } PANIC! } Syncing disks . . . --- 532-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, > wonderful, > splendiforous, > omnipotent (as opposed to impotent), > beautiful, > masculine, > hairy, > horny, > living, > pulsating, > magestic, > magenta, > moving, > feeling, > breathing, > compulsive, > well hung, ORACLE: > massive, > mysterious, Oh Damn. Now what was I > svelte, going to ask? > personable, > luxurious, > intelligent, > misinterpreted, > superb And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } % find "improve"+"memory" /databases/books/books.database /index:on } } gnufind v5.29 patchlevel 36 } } ... searching database } ... one entry found } ... listing } } AN 1987780XX. 9105. } ME smith, eric } TI how to improve your memory } PD 1989 } NT ILLUSTRATED. } PR PAP $26.00. 0-685-31023-X. } PB Pantheon. } SC ACTIVE ENTRY (AE). } } ... done } } You owe the oracle a bigger hard disk (preferably raid level 5). --- 532-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ever wise and gracious Oracle whose spittle while talking is too > godly for me to allow to land on my visage, I ask this one simple > question: > > Where did the term/phrase core-dump come from and why is it > so widely used in Unix C compilers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, the good old days, when transistors were tubes and wires were also } tubes. In the early days of computers, because of enormously } complicated mechanical and electrical circuitry considerations } (resistors were usually made of tinfoil, inductors were left-over } springs, etc.) enormous amounts of power were drawn by the vastly } inefficient systems. To supply the growing power requirements, } computer operators moved from coal and steam power to hydraulic power } to nuclear fission; hence the "core." Also in these days, memory } locations were represented with physical "boxes," (hence the affinity } computer science professors have for the analogy) each box containing a } metal number, usually stolen by first-year graduate students from } people's houses late at night (that's why finding an address house is } so tough in parts of New York, Silicon Valley and Tokyo.) At this } time, the C precursor D-- was in vogue, and often, because of punchcard } error, programmers would input something to the effect of 5 = 3 or } &beta = &5 or some other such nonsense. The compiler would treat such } commands as valid, and during run-time the computer would attempt a } physical impossibility, such as jamming two of the metal numbers in the } same box and wedging two numbers together, and end up not only stopping } the works but also warping Euclidean space. In very bad situtations, } the reactor would overheat, and, in order to avoid meltdown and } subsequent popular condemnation of computers science, automatic systems } would dump the reactor core out the garbage chute for the garbage } collectors, thus avoiding catastrophe. The term has carried through } the years, like all such things, and now is short for "You dummy! You } did something VERY bad and VERY stupid! You're lucky this system isn't } running off of a reactor anymore!" } } You owe the Oracle an early computer schematic. --- 532-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Were mittens created for people without fingers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For hundreds of years, scientists have sought the answer to this } question, knowing that it could lead to a greater understanding of the } role winter clothing is meant to play in our lives. Finally, a team of } specialists organized and led by myself, the great Oracle, has reached } the inescapable conclusion: mittens are actually glove larvae, waiting } to pass through puberty, at which time they develop the positions for } the fingers. } } As in human beings, this period of development is a traumatic one, } often accompanied by the development of skin problems, which are often } mistakenly perceived by humans as being permanent flaws (e.g., holes, } worn spots, etc.). This is *far* from the case: as the mitten matures } into its adult form, it will grow a new skin, which will heal it of } these problems. (A brief experiment to determine the effectiveness of } Clearasil on these skin problems met with inconclusive results. } However, further tests have been scheduled.) } } It is also interesting to note that a number of people throughout } the years have been falsely accused of losing their mittens as } children. In fact, small mittens mature more quickly than do large } ones, and they thus slip away in the night to take on the new roles } demanded by their maturity. The use of the "mitten leash" to hold them } back has been found to have a significant retarding effect on their } development: if they are not allowed to develop at a normal rate, } mittens often remain stunted in their growth. } } You owe the Oracle a new pair of Isotoners. --- 532-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Got a light? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, dammit! Jehovah borrowed it a long time ago, } and still hasn't given it back.