From oracle-request Mon Feb 8 12:23:11 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29037; Mon, 8 Feb 1993 12:23:11 -0500 Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1993 12:23:11 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #530 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 530 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #530 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1993 12:23:11 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 530 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 525 48 votes hh824 2fag5 07hh7 36bk8 79ga6 5bib3 18edc 7dha1 acm40 09ej6 525 3.0 mean 2.1 3.1 3.5 3.5 3.0 2.9 3.6 2.7 2.4 3.5 --- 530-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question. > > Expect an answer in a day or two. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene: an animated version of a basketball court. A tall, lanky } figure resembling a certain rabbit appear hunched over a terminal at } courtside. Suddenly, a occurs and standing behind the rabbit is } The Oracle.] } } Oracle: Just what do you think you're doing? } } BB: Don't give me that. You're omniscient. You know exactly what I'm } doing. } } O: Fine, be that way. I'm annoyed at you for stealing my lines. } } BB: What lines? } } O: "The Usenet Oracle is pondering your question. Expect an answer } in a day or two." } } BB: That's not your line. } } O: Is too. } } BB: Is not. } } O: Is too. } } BB: Bet you have nothing better to do at the moment than yell at a } poor, defenseless bunny rabbit. } } O: Do not. } } BB: Do too. } } O: Do not. } } BB: Do not. } } O: Do too. } } BB: Do not. } } O: Do too. } } BB: Do not. } } O: For the last time, *I DO SO HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO!!!* } } BB: Well, while don't you just go and take care of them, then. } } O: (confused) Well, uh, ... ok. } } [In a large , The Oracle disappears.] } } BB: Ok, Michael, you can come out now. } } Mr. Jordan: Great. Can we get back to our one-on-one game now? } } BB: Only if you spot me 10 points like last time. } } MJ: You're on. --- 530-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > % finger oracle@cs.indiana.edu And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Login name: oracle In real life: The Usenet Oracle } Directory: / Shell: /bin/osh } On since The Beginning of Time on ttyall } Project: The enlightenment of Nixheads near and far, against impossible } odds. } Plan: } To slowly convince these mortals that English (or French, or local } substitute) is a MUCH better means of communication, and supplication, } than csh. And more importantly, much *MUCH* better for grovelling. } To Zot those supplicants who remain unconvinced. } You owe the Oracle a finger in return. That index one should do } nicely. --- 530-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > Our records show that you are delinquent on your payments for > the Lifesize Lisa Pleasure Doll, Deluxe Model (with all attachments). > You have not payed your monthly fee for 3 payment periods running. > You still owe $8923.34 on the Doll, plus interest. > > If we do not receive the three months back payment within the > next 72 hours, we will slash your credit rating, and then send our > Collection Man over to take the Doll and anything else in your house > that he takes a liking to. His name is Guido, and you'll recognize > him by the fact that he has no nose. > > Thank you for your time. > > Sincerely, > > Ricky "Fingers" Spazinni > Immortal Collection Agency > > ("We'll get your money even if the person is > dead.") And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Damn. You had to expose Me, didn't you ? Well, it looks the } Oracle will finally have to explain that he isn't the rampant } sex demon everyone thinks He is. The fact is, I am really a } short geeky looking god with buck teeth and big flappy ears. I } watch a lot of Star Trek, read Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, } and spend the rest of my time sitting at a terminal reading news } and answering questions from all you highly deluded netters. } I have a four-figure IQ, but about as much sex appeal as Rick } Moranis with a severe flatulence problem. Like all nerds, I } specialise in really awful chat up lines which get me flat } refusals every time, for instance: } } Oracle : How much does a Polar Bear weigh ? } Girl : [looking embarassed at talking to such a dweeb] Er, } about four hundred pounds ? } Oracle : Well, that's broken the ice! Can I buy you a drink ? } Girl : Eek! [walks away quickly] } } So, you see, I purchased a blow-up doll from Spazinni, hoping to } have a successful date at last. Guess what happens ? The doll } slaps me and runs away when I try to whisper sweet nothings in } its ear. It's hardly any wonder I haven't payed, is it ? } Anyway, Spazinni, when I catch the doll I'll dismantle it and } mail it back to you. By the way, any supplicants out there who } want to swap a thirty-pound brain for a decent looking body, } let me know. } } From the Oracle, a frood who really knows where his towel is. } [ Prolonged inverted-type nerd laughter ] --- 530-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose IQ, > if recorded in digital form, would fill a DASD farm, > if carved in stone, would be too heavy for God to lift, > if inscribed on parchment, would make sheep extinct, > if printed in individual atoms, would outweigh a pound of lead, > if written in rainbows, would outshine the Sun, > Wise Oracle, so wise > that Solomon, despairing, cut himself in half, > that Einstein, comparing, said wisdom was relative, > that Freud, analyzing, unconsciously cut it off, > that Marx, synthesizing, disparaged wisdom as bourgeois, > Ancient Oracle, who once > taught Alexander to untie knots, > showed Archimedes how to fill a bathtub, > helped Pythagoras with his geometry homework, > Knowing Oracle, who knows exactly > how many grains of sand comprise the beach this instant, > what a boojum snark looks like, > Great Oracle, whose pedal extremeties, > if they ever deigned to touch the ground, > would never land in dog stuff, > > This supplicant, > whose feet stink like frog farts, > whose ignorance is so undeserving of your knowledge, > whose inexperience tries the patience of your anciency, > whose foolishness is so unworthy of your wisdom, > and whose IQ is but a cipher to your endless stream of digits, > abases himself in Your presence. > > Were my IQ a drop, Yours would be an Ocean! > If my wisdom were a pebble, Yours would be the Rockies! > My flame is but a candle, Yours the eternal Sun! > All I know worth knowing, is that You know so much more! > Were I to step into Your shoes, they'd still be all but empty! > > <<<< SPEAK, O SUPPLICANT. >>>> > > Yes, Oracle, I speak! > And what a proud day it is for me that such Great and Wondrous Ears > as Yours should hearken to my words; > for I, a mere unworthy humble mortal, merely having the chance to > address such a Being of higher dimension is in and of itself an honor, > leaving aside all the enlightenment that is bound to come from Your > effulgent Answer. > > Yes, Oracle, I have seen what an Answer can mean, > how it can change a life and make it ever after better, > how it can light the way to Truth, and > > <<<< ASK YOUR QUESTION, SUPPLICANT. >>>> > > [My Question. Dare I? No.] > Yes, Oracle, Great Oracle, Wise Oracle, Potent Oracle, > Wealthy Oracle, Splendid Oracle, > > <<<< YOU HAVE GROVELED ENOUGH. >>>> > > [I'm not so sure.] > > <<<< WHAT? >>>> > > I mean, O great Oracle, that You deserve much more, > much more groveling than I can hope > > <<<< ASK THE DAMNED QUESTION!! >>> > > [Oh.] > Great Oracle, the Question that I have to ask, > in hopes it will be kindly met by the Mighty Usenet Oracle, > not meaning in any way to offend or upset You, > in the sincerest quest for sorely needed lore, > > <<<< ASK IT *NOW*! OR ELSE. >>>> > > [Gulp. Okay, here goes nothing:] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Will you marry me ? } } [ A moment of deathly silence passes. ] } } <<< WHAT ?! >>> } } Will, you er.. marry me ? } } <<< HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? OF ALL THE IMPERTINENT ->>> } } [ Oh no. I knew he'd get like this. I'd better grovel some more] } } Please, O glorious er of film critics, whose farts have the } strength of the north wind, who- } } <<< OH SHUT UP! EXCESSIVE GROVELING IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN } NONE AT ALL! MARRY YOU ?! BEING OMNISCIENT I ALREADY KNOW } WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AND THAT ALONE WOULD BE REASON ENOUGH TO } SAY NO. >>> } } But I'd make a great wife! } } <<< CAN YOU DO THE TRIPLE TONGUE LOOP WITH FOLLOW THROUGH ? >>> } } No, what's that ? } } <<< HA! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW BASIC KARMA SUTRA! LISTEN, GO AND } FIND YOURSELF SOMEONE MORE SUITABLE. >>> } } But "I don't want anybody else; when I think about you I touch } myself...And Nothing Compares; Nothing Compares to You!" } } <<< OH NO, IT'S SERENADING ME NOW! PLEASE, JUST GO AWAY!! >>> } } I would rather die! } } <<< THAT COULD BE ARRANGED.. >>> } } [sulking] OK, I'll go away now. What do I owe you ? } } <<< THAT $10,000 DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING YOU PURCHASED WILL } DO NICELY, THANKYOU. AND SHUT THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT! >>> --- 530-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Munificent dispenser of wisdom and sense, > > How do I make amends? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I usually use paper-mache. --- 530-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle whose code always compiles cleanly, I beg of your wisdom: Why > is it that my code is always neat, readable, documented, > understandable yet completely non-functional, while my co-workers' > code looks like practice for the obfuscated C code contest and runs > like a dream? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you taken a look at some of their files? See any with mode 666 } permissions? Yes, that's right, your co-workers all sold their souls } to The Evil One (no, I don't mean Bill Gates) for the ability to code } like daemons. They don't understand how they're able to code like } this and they can't explain their code to anyone else, because they } took the easy way out. They went to the dark side of programming. } Quicker it is, more seductive. Listen to the Oracle, or suffer your } co-workers' fate you will. The source will be with you, always. } } You owe the Oracle a legitimate copy of John Lions' 1976 book, "Notes } on the UNIX Operating System". --- 530-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and sexy Oracle, whose slightest whisper is my every reason > for living. Please tell me, is President Clinton really on E-Mail, and > if so, has he asked you any questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, your president does have an e-mail address } (75300.3115@compuserve.com). And, as a matter of fact, he has asked me } one question, soon after he took office: } } > Oh wise Oracle, who truly belongs on my cabinet, except for the fact } > that you don't quite look like America, please help me. I've got } > troubles in Somalia and the Balkans, I promised to allow homosexuals } > in the military and am now having problems, my middle-class tax cut } > has disappeared since the deficit is so much higher than before, and } > I have so many other things to worry about too. The pressure is } > really getting to me. What should I do? } > -- } > William J. Clinton } > President, United States of America } > 75300.3115@compuserve.com } } I promptly answered: } } } First off, Mr. President, try to remember to remove your .sig block } } before asking me a question. But anyway, to relieve your stress, why } } don't you try something like what Lisa and I always do. Put Socks } } out, send Chelsea out to play, go find Hillary and try out a few } } "executive actions", if you know what I mean (and I think you do)... } } } } You owe the Oracle the ambassadorship to the Bahamas. } } For some reason, I haven't got any questions from him since... } } You owe the Oracle a really snazzy tax loophole. --- 530-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, the strength of the greater universe... > > I was raised with a friend my age - and taught our colors at the same > time. Mother pointed at a ripe macintosh apple and said 'this is > the color RED'. She pointed at a cucumber and said 'this is GREEN'. > That was the way we learned our colors. > > Now, many years later, i find out my friend is color blind. How > can one tell, if you learn the color you see is RED, but to others > it may be PURPLE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a question that has been pondered by the ancients for } ages (and is one of the reasons they became so ancient in the } the first place). The answer is not easily found, but never } fear... there IS a solution... You and your friend should both } go out and buy VERY dark glasses so that everything appears } monochromatic... then you can enjoy the same SHADES without } worrying about HUE. } } You now owe the Oracle a pair of cheap sunglasses. --- 530-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are so wise with animal behavior, please fill me in on this: > > How can I keep the mouse on my computer from eating my food whenever > I leave? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This problem is predominant on the Mac computers, where the mice think } that it's a Big Mac and try to eat it. Many users have come back to } discover half of their computer chewed up, and a desktop mouse that } seems slightly larger than when they left it. } } The solution to this is very easy. On the underside of the mouse, } you'll find a rubber sphere that is used to determine the position of } the cursor. Simply open up the case, and remove the mouse's balls. The } mouse will then be very mellow and won't eat your food. } } You owe the Oracle a track-testicle. --- 530-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why ask why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, you are obviously the parent of a young child, probably } between the ages of 2 and 4 years old. Indeed, I have received } numerous queries on child-rearing from supplicants hoping to improve } their skills. Your child is going through that "WHY" phase, and after } hearing "why" as h[is|er] response to each of your explanations for the } last month, you are climbing the walls. Asking why is quite natural at } this age; your child has an incredible amount of curiosity about the } world around h[im|er], and has yet to discover the unnerving truth (for } you mortals anyway) that the more you know, the more you realize how } little you know. The answer to your question "Why ask why?" is } twofold: 1) the child doesn't know how to ask better questions and is } forced to reuse the only question that gets more and more interesting } and empassioned responses from you 2) you give lousy explanations. } } Good luck with your offspring. Next phase is "what's that," then comes } "how come," then comes sex ed 101. } } You owe the Oracle a more specific question.