From oracle-request Wed Jan 20 00:10:39 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21446; Wed, 20 Jan 1993 00:10:39 -0500 Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1993 00:10:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #521 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 521 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #521 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1993 00:10:39 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 521 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 516 42 votes 45j86 3ci72 5h9a1 79g91 017ek ac776 eac42 6hb53 59b98 25fe6 516 3.0 mean 3.2 2.8 2.6 2.7 4.3 2.7 2.3 2.6 3.1 3.4 --- 521-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wondrous, stupendous, magnificent Oracle... > > What's the difference between Santa's elves and graduate students? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Graduate students get paid and Santa's elves are satisfied with their } jobs. --- 521-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is surrealism? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } W } W W W t } W W h } W W e n } W W W O } W W WW again? } WW WW T } W W H s AT's } E } u } Q --- 521-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh magnificent Oracle, whose voice is as beautiful as the > sound of information plying across cyberspace, the answer to this: > > For the last two days, my hard drive has been acting up. It seeks all > over, and suddenly shuts down. So, I issue a disk command, and it > starts up, and I does it again in a couple minutes. I asked a local > Intel box guru, and he said to me, "how is your FAT?" > > "Hey, I'm on a diet, give me a break!" > > "No, is the drive fragmented?" > > "It's in one piece." > > "No, speedisk it!" > > So, I took it out, and threw it off the 10th floor. It sped all right. > > However, now it's fragments, like he said, so it must be okay now. I > put it back in, and hooked it up, and it doesn't work at all. I called > the guru up again, and he was in a hurry, but he did say, "I am sure > the heads crashed." > > "So am I," I replied, and hung up. > > Wisest Oracle, what can I do to help my poor hard drive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try Norton... --- 521-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, whose profundities steer the fate of Man. Answer me > this question: > > Is it safe for me to run /usr/bin/fortune without spawning > /usr/bin/outrageous_fortune < slings+arrows ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To spawn, or not to spawn--that is the question } Whether 'tis /usr/contrib/bin/snobol'er in the mind to } endure the slings+arrows of outrageous_fortune } Or to take alarm(2) against a /bin/csh of troubles } And by apropos'ing end(3C) them. } To die, to /bin/sleep--no /usr/bin/more } And by a /bin/sleep to say we end(heartache, } 1000*shocks(natural,flesh)) } To die, 'tis a comm | summation dev(2)+out(3)'ly } to be wished! } To /bin/sleep, perchance to iostream! Aye, there's the rub! } For in that sleep of death what screens may come } When we have shuffled off this mortal coil } Must give us pause() } } You owe the Oracle source code to splint (the Shakespeare } verse beautifier) --- 521-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > /* NOTE- This program makes use of the zot function. In order for the > the program to work properly, it is suggested to use -z and -Z > flags during compilation. Otherwise unexpected zots may occur. > */ > > #include > #include > #include > #include > #include > #include > #include > > #define Oracle Usenet Oracle oracle@cs.indiana.edu > > main() > { > AnswerType answer_type; > char *answer; > char tmp_str[1024]; > > grovel( HyperGrovel ); > answer_type = ask_question( argv[ 1 ], &answer ); > switch( answer_type ) > { > case AnswerGreat: > thank( Oracle, VeryAppreciated ); > break; > case AnswerGood: > thank( Oracle, RegularThank ); > break; > case AnswerLousy: > break; > case AnswerZotty: > strcpy( tmp_str, "" ); > strcpy( tmp_str, TerribleZot ); > strcpy( tmp_str, ", " ); > strcpy( tmp_str, HorribleZot ); > strcpy( tmp_str, ", " ); > strcpy( tmp_str, KillingZot ); > strcpy( tmp_str, ", " ); > strcpy( tmp_str, RedHotChillyZot ); > strcpy( tmp_str, ", " ); > strcpy( tmp_str, AcidicZot ); > zot( Oracle, tmp_str ); > } > > /* Futher execution of the program is oracle-dependent in the sense > that whether in the above switch statement the zot function is > called, and if called, what the reaction of Oracle has been. > */ > if( still_alive() ) > { > sigh(); > exit( 0 ); > } > else > { > invite_relatives( MyRelatives, MyFuneral, > date_of_funeral( ask_oracle() ) ); > } > } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > > gcc -z -Z oracle.c } > ld: Undefined symbol } > _zot } > collect: /usr/bin/ld returned 2 exit status } } What? You think we put in every commercial library or } something? Get serious. } } You owe the Oracle a faster compiler. --- 521-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What criteria do you use to determine which day is best > for publishing your most wise advices? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The alarm clock rings. The Oracle presses the snooze bar. } The alarm clock rings. The Oracle sits up groggily and casts a } chilling eye toward the clock, which winces and turns off. } } The Oracle gets out of bed, slips on his bunny slippers, puts on } his robe, takes it off, turns it inside out, puts it back on. } He opens the window shade a crack, looks out at the starry universe, } and sees that it is the same universe he first looked at countless } eons ago. The shade drops from his fingers back into place. From } some dark recess, the word "coffee" enters his brain. } } He turns on the kitchen lights, shouts "OW! OW! OW! CRAP!" and quickly } turns them back off. He shields his eyes and timidly flicks the light } switch back on. With one hand over his eyes, he shuffles groggily } over to the fridge and reads the note stuck to it through the crack } in his fingers: "Orrie, don't forget you promised to clean out the } garage, the garbage needs taking out, and have a supplicant get you } a keg of mead to serve to the guests tonight. XOXOXO, L." } } His eyes more or less adjusted to the kitchen lights, the Oracle pours } a cup from the waiting pot cradled in the automatic brew machine, } sits down at the table, and opens his newspaper, the } "Mt. Olympus Myths." The front page, as always, is old news. He } turns to the funny papers. Glances at Peanuts, smirks at Calvin and } Hobbs. Looks for the six differences between the pictures in } Hocus Focus. Turns the page to the horoscope section, takes a sip } from his coffee, realizes too late that it is still too hot drink, } swallows it painfully. } } He runs his finger down the horoscopes for his sign: Aries, Taurus, } Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Oracle. ORACLE: "Ask people who are older and } wiser for help. Stay open to new suggestions of friends. Winning } isn't as important to your future as how you play the game. Excercise } is fun with your friends. Consider a checkup and diet plan. Flirt } just a little with guests tonight and you'll be going to new places. } You never call home; for all you know, your parents might be dead. } Today is a good day to post the latest Oracularities." The Oracle } grunts, makes a mental note, blows gently into the coffee cup, takes a } second sip, sighs. "I should never have let mother talk me into } getting her that job as the newspaper's psychic, I don't care if she IS } one of the three fates," he thinks. } } The Oracle turns to the horse racing page, glances through the entries, } and picks up the telephone. --- 521-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle, whose linked lists are sexier than my > boyfriend's handcuffs, and who I am entirely certain would never wear > a mauve beret, I am shocked. I was playing Ishido this morning, and > being the Ishido babe that I am, I got one four-way right after > another. (no knowing snickers, please.) > Eventually, I ran out of questions about my life and asked the Ishido > oracle: "Have you any connection with the Usenet Oracle?" > > Here was the Ishido oracle's reply (notice please that I did not > capitalize that oracle, grovel, grovel) : > > Dark Stone in the place of authority: As long as nurturing is provided > in the right way and for the right things, he prospers. But true > nurturing requires modesty, perseverance, and strength. If he is not up > to the task himself, he must seek assistance. He must not allow his ego > to propel him unwisely forward. > > Oracle, what reply have you to this upstart? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And you dare come to drink of my eternal wisdom. Thou must have } the neck of a giraffe. And besides, what is so unseemly about a } mauve beret ? } } > Here was the Ishido oracle's reply (notice please that I did not } > capitalize that oracle, grovel, grovel) : } } Govel if it pleases you ... } You have offended me deeply, to the very depth of my essence, } deep as the oceans are deep, deep as the mountains are high. } I am injured .. } (well enough of that .. ) } } > Dark Stone in the place of authority: As long as nurturing is } > provided in the right way and for the right things, he prospers. But } > true nurturing requires modesty, perseverance, and strength. If he is } > not up to the task himself, he must seek assistance. He must not } > allow his ego to propel him unwisely forward. } > } > Oracle, what reply have you to this upstart? } } What a load of trollop, if its a job he wants, let him go } to the employment exchange. --- 521-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My dearest Oracle, Whose phlegmy goober I could only dream of > swallowing (soaked in olive oil, like a good oyster, of course), please > tell me: > > If I start up a C shell and put it up to my ear, what will I hear? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You'd hear the sound of the C, of course, as it repeatedly crashes } on the silicon beach. } } You owe the Oracle a bitmap of Gennifer Flowers. --- 521-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Incessant, who causeth ignorance to snuffeth, whose RAM > containeth all data, whose insights inspire and delight, whose shiney > pate giveth forth a brilliance so great that one might read the fine > print of our insurance policies and whose marbles are never lost, tell > me, tell me please: > > The Statement Below is False. > The Statement Above is True. > > Is this a quandary, conundrum, koan, paradox, or is it merely bad > grafitti? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. } } Oh, I guess I should expand upon that, right? Sorry, I sometimes } overlook the simplicity of your minds, being omnipotent and all... } } Yes, it is a quandary, but it is not a conundrum. It is also not a } koan, but can be a paradox. However, it can also be a conundrum, but } never a paradox, provided that it *is* a koan and *not* a quandary. } } Understand? } } You owe the Oracle all of your logic - you're not using it anyways. --- 521-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Miller The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > MR USENET ORACLE > @MOOSE.CS.INDIANA.EDU > > Dear MR. ORACLE: > > Our extensive market research has found that you are among the > privileged set of clients for our consulting services. We have > found that your time is increasingly cluttered up with matters like: > > WOODCHUCKS > GROVELING > and IDIOTIC QUESTIONERS > > As the vital holder of a job as THE MOST KNOWLEDGEABLE ENTITY IN THE > KNOWN UNIVERSE, WHO KNOWS ALL, SEES ALL, BUT FORTUNATELY DOESN'T > TELL ALL, we know how vital your time is, MR USENET ORACLE. So try > our consulting service for just 1 MONTH. All we require is a FIFTY > PERCENT fraction of the gross proceeds of the transactions we handle > for you, MR USENET ORACLE. So, what do you say to out stupendous > offer? Please reply to the following address: > > Bitbucket Enterprises > bitbucket!biff!bitnet!uunet And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bitbucket Enterprises } bitbucket!biff!bitnet!uunet } } Dear Sirs, } } I am extremely eager to take advantage of your offer to provide } Consulting Services for one month at a cost of 50% of the gross } proceeds. I am forwarding to you 50% of last month's proceeds from the } Oracular transactions, trusting that this will suffice as pre-payment } for your services throughout the month of February. Please find } enclosed: } } 1 pair well-worn track shoes } 2 partridges in a pear tree } 1 infinite loop } 1 woodchuck and 3 cords of fire wood } 1 graham cracker } 17 X-rated snapshots of Princess Diana } 1 meta dragon } 1/2 of a futon } 1 Christmas phone call } 1 large winch } 6 lbs sour grapes } 1 grappling iron } 2 packs 10-meg diskettes } 8 spark plugs } 1 dribble glass } 5 lbs. carrots } 284 signs (assorted) } } Sincerely yours, } USENET ORACLE } @MOOSE.CS.INDIANA.EDU