From oracle-request Mon Jan 18 09:04:58 1993 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA07711; Mon, 18 Jan 1993 09:04:58 -0500 Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1993 09:04:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #520 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the cs.indiana.edu ftp archive today. === 520 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #520 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 18 Jan 1993 09:04:58 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 520 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 515 26 votes 28961 67742 2b544 39941 44a53 75554 48950 48b21 7a720 56a50 515 2.7 mean 2.8 2.6 2.9 2.7 3.0 2.8 2.6 2.5 2.2 2.6 --- 520-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Glorious Oracle, I humble myself at your pedal extremities and kiss the > toes of your safety shoes! Tell me, tell me, I implore, what is the > best way to clean a pair of REALLY FILTHY track shoes. I'm telling > you, my room mate's shoes smell like three-week old garbage on a hot > beach and they're driving me nuts! *gag* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm...I, being possessed of a pair of omnipotent Odor Eaters [tm], } don't normally have to deal with this problem, but I'll certainly give } it a whirl. } } Let me see, there are all sorts of fragrances you could try, but that } really won't solve the problem for very long. Presumably you could try } tossing them in the wash (CAUTION! Wear safety goggles and aprons when } handling known toxic chemicals and substances! Kids, don't try this at } home! This college student is [going to be] a Trained Professional!), } although that has its drawbacks. } } Tell ya what, I'll just slip on down and see how bad these shoes really } are...Energize, Mr. O'Brien. } } [beam effect goes here] } } Well, where's the...By the Multifaceted Eyes of Beelzebub, those things } are STINKY! Supplicant, you'd best stand WAY back. (Phew! Lisa, hon, } draw a bath...) Ready? Anyone coming? Good... } } } } You don't owe the Oracle a thing. You owe your roomie a new pair of } shoes, however. Come to think of it, you owe the Oracle -- as a } PERSONAL favor -- $15.95, to cover the cost of a foot bath and personal } podal care guide for your roommate. Tell him garlic generally isn't } eaten with his toes. --- 520-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Almighty Omniscient Omnipotent Omnipresent Omnidirectional Oracle, > please answer my question: > > At my high school, there is a 3M 570 copier. Of course, being school > property, it won't copy to save its live. Likewise, we have IBM's in > the computer labs. > > The question is: how do I make the copier copy like a good copier > would (chuck)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A clever copier can cause a copier to copy clearly by kicking it } correctly. Concentrate. Consider causing catastrophic calamities } concerning copiers. Kick! Kick! Kick!. Clean copier crumbs. } ('Cause copier crumbs cause copier kickers to be kicked from class.) } Commence copying clean copies on the kicked copier. Creating correct } clean copies causes copiers to clunk and clang. Kick correct copiers } accordingly to keep clean copies coming. Caution: Caught copier } kickers copying quits. } } Concerning computers: Current conditions could crumble. Consider } computing correctly keying a Mac-in-Flush. --- 520-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great grand wonderful oracle > > can i lock my caps in the lowercase position, to make typing easier? > before i go offending people with my stylishly hip lowercase type, what > are the implications and meanings i send to my reader? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } YES, BIFF! } } SUCH A THING EXISTS, A KEYBOARD ON WHICH YOU CAN TYPE ONLY LOWERCASE } CHARACTERS, AND UPPERCASE CHARACTERS ARE THE EXCEPTION. HOWEVER, } TO COME INTO THE POSSESSION OF SUCH A WONDERFUL THING, YOU MUST FIRST } REACH THE STATE OF TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT. } THE PATH OF ENLIGHTENMENT IS LONG AND ARDUOUS. PROCEED AS FOLLOWS: } 1. DROP YOUR COMMODORE 64 OUT OF THE WINDOW. DO IT NOW AND DO NOT } HESITATE. } 2. GO AND GET AN ACCOUNT ON A MAINFRAME. THIS IS THE FIRST STAGE } OF ENLIGHTENMENT. BE SURE TO GET A VMS MACHINE AND NOR VM, BECAUSE } VM IS A WORK OF EVIL AND FEW HAVE EVER COME OUT OF ITS CLUTCHES. } 3. LEARN TO TYPE IN LOWERCASE CHARACTERS, EVEN IF ALL YOUR COMMANDS } ARE STILL AUTOMATICALLY CONVERTED TO UPPERCASE. } SUCH IS THE PREPARATION OF ENLIGHTENMENT. } 4. FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW UNTIL NOW. MAKE YOUR MIND EMPTY AND } SEND A MESSAGE TO THE ORACLE WITH THE WORD "GNU" IN THE SUBJECT } LINE. } WITH A LITTLE LUCK, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO REACH A PARTIAL LEVEL } OF ENLIGHTENMENT OF, SAY, 10% IN NOT QUITE THREE YEARS. } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A C SHELL. --- 520-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH most profound and wise Oracle, I pray thee answer my query... > > How large should a woman's breasts be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa, listen up! There's someone with a question for you... about how } large a woman's breasts should be... yes, that's what I thought } myself... all RIGHT, don't start shouting about it... it's not MY } fault it's not MY letter... I was NOT criticising... I like your } breasts, I think them enormous... no no NO I didn't mean that at } all... ANYONE would find those breasts enormous... Lisa you know I } love you... Look we can go to the cinema this evening and dine out } afterwards... what do you mean five weeks ago... but I COULDN'T... yes } I did promise but I had work up to my ears... Now don't go in a huff } about it... yes you ARE in a huff... huff huff HUFF... Lisa } pleeeease... I didn't want to hurt your feelings I didn't really... } don't start crying you make me feel wretched... I think your breasts } look PERFECT honey... Its NOT that I don't love you I want to do it } every time I see you... I know last time was two months ago... Lisa } that was my last hanky I don't have any others... pleeeease be good to } me... you're my one and only, I can't LIVE without you... I'm } miserable downright miserable... yes, I DO think you're looking sexy, } you're looking sexy all the time... What, NOW?! For crysake, I can't } POSSIBLY leave all this work on the table... I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF } YOU! Please, we can have a go this evening... STOP NAGGING ME, YOU'RE } ALWAYS NAGGING ME! I'M SORRY I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE LETTER I'M } APOLOGIZING ALL THE TIME! Look, I'll only answer the first 300 } Questions today. I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT BUT PLEASE STOP SCREAMING AT } ME! yes yes YES! ... Later! I told you later! ... all right all } right all RIGHT! ... SO DO IT IF YOU WANT TO! ... I'm NOT cold I'm } NOT heartless I'm NOT cruel! For heaven's sake! Is it MY FAULT YOU'RE } GETTING A FLAPPISH APPEARANCE?! ... SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! } and shut the door too! (Phew... ) } } --- HEY WHAT DID YOU MEAN `FOREVER'?... (Oh dear. Now I'm in for real } trouble.) LISA COME BACK, PLEASE COME BACK! I APOLOGIZE I'M SORRY } ABOUT IT HONEST I APOLOGIZE! I WILL NEVER EVER HURT YOUR FEELINGS } AGAIN!... LIIISAAA! SWEETHEART! WAIT LISA! Pleeaaase Honey } (sob).... } } } Dear Sir, Dear Madam, } } The Priesthood of the Oracle acknowledges the receipt of your } question(s). } At this time of writing, our facility is unfortunately still closed due } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } to the absence of its owner. As soon as our service is functional } again, we will announce this fact in all the important daily } newspapers. In the mean time, we thank you for your tolerance, } patience, and cooperation. } } This form letter does not carry a signature. } } Sincerely yours, } Priesthood of the oracle. --- 520-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Three cords, if he chucks all day, two if he breaks for lunch. } The Oracle is quite impressed with your notation for the WC query. } } You owe the Oracle ! --- 520-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > If I send a question to 'oracle@cs.indiana.edu' but instead of > putting 'tell me' in the subject, I put 'ask me,' where does the > question go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Personnel Department. } } You'll be hearing from them on Monday about the job. --- 520-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > most red and blue and red and black and white and green and orange and > yellow Oracle - > > what color is the best? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Viridian. Definitely viridian. } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of Misty Ecru. --- 520-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ian Davis The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O one who has all the original Star Trek episodes on tape, even unto > the fifth season: > > What are those long, inward-curving prongs on Deep Space 9, that make > it look like a bent claptrap, or perhaps a skeletized sphere? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aha! You have stumbled onto the most important part of the space } station in Deep Space 9, the pigstickers! Throughout the many seasons } to come, we shall see many new and innovative uses for this dada bit of } structure, as the script-writers need escape-hatches for the corner } they've painted themselves into. } } Already we've seen them used as } 1: spaceship docks } 2: "structure" for the shields } } Look for these and more creative plots in the future! } 3: A Kyrranh Ambassador brings with him to DS9 a harem larger than the } population of most colonies, overburdening the unreliable on-board } life-support and sparse luxury quarters. The situation reaches } critical mass when the Ambassador demands that all of his } fourteen-thousand suits be pressed or else all negotiations are off } (Kyrannhs take their laundry _very_ seriously). After an intense } discussion, crisis is averted when Sisko orders a gigantic laundry- } line stretched between the prongs. } } 4: A holodeck-simulation goes awry when Sisko's son drops his slingshot } in an open maintenance panel and a maniacial evil wizard kidnaps Dax } to the West Tower... } } 5: Despite the hard work of the engineering team, DS9 is left without } photon torpedoes or phasers after an alien sabotage, and instead } counter the attack of a deadly warship by ramming a prong into the } side of the ship. } } 6: A renegade comet threatens to hit the planet, until a trampoline is } strung up between the prongs and the comet bounces away harmlessly. } (DS9, however, is kicked out of orbit.) } } 7: DS9 transforms into a giant insect to thwart the Decepticons. } Prongs become all-important antennae. } } Other uses for the prongs } } 8: Ideal place to sulk } 9: Raise the mizzenmast, laddie! } 10: Perfect for psychic channelling and seances. } 11: A veritable grab bag of random events! (Roll d6 to determine what } (a) children playing hide-and-go-seek, a lost security team, or a } mischevous alien find in the rarely visited prong: 1. Stolen plans } left by a Ferengi spy, 2. A mysterious alien document, 3. A new } alien lifeform of a kind not encountered before, 4. Rosebud, 5. A } dusty old sword promising mystical power to all those that possess } it, 6. Q's underwear.) } 12: Make your own. Be creative! } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to Milk and Cheese. --- 520-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great magnanamous Oracle, whose bile is too glorious for me to lick, > please tell me this: > > Why is software upgraded so often, if it's not to make terrible > profits at the expense of users? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are right, software upgrades exist for the sole purpose of gouging } the user. There is no point in upgrading your software, since it } doesn't get much better. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of WordStar 1.0 --- 520-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus x3121) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent, munificent Oracle and probability god: > Suppose you are given 3 opaque boxes and I tell you that if you pick > the box with a stone in it you will win a free trip to Miami Beach. > You pick a box, say, box #1. I now open box #3 and show you that it is > empty. I give you the option to switch your choice from box #1 to #2. > Should you do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a good example to illustrate the difference between mortal } probabilities and Oracular probabilities. First, mortal probability: } } Let's say a mortal supplicant is given a choice between three boxes, } one of which contains a stone, there is a 33% chance that he or she } will pick the right box (plus an infinite number of repeating decimal } 3's). When one of the boxes is removed, the mortal's chances of picking } the correct box goes up to 50%, which means that he or she will do } better in the long run by changing his or her choice. } } Now, Oracular probability is a bit different, because of the fact that } the ALL-KNOWING and OMNISCIENT Oracle already knows where the stone is. } The probability of the Oracle picking the right box depenends on the } following factors: } } 1. Whether the offered trip to Miami is 1st class or coach. } 2. Projected levels of precipitation and temperature in Southern } Florida during the time period in question. } 3. What Lisa is willing to do to convince me that we need a } vacation away from Indiana. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle SPF 15 with cocoa-butter and a new } beach chair.