From oracle-request Tue Dec 8 00:11:04 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA11051; Tue, 8 Dec 1992 00:11:04 -0500 Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1992 00:11:04 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #510 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 510 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #510 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 8 Dec 1992 00:11:04 -0500 To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this message). For example: 510 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 505 33 votes 2557e 09g62 12h94 26ac3 1aba1 424cb 39a83 6a593 15g92 14c97 505 3.3 mean 3.8 3.0 3.4 3.2 3.0 3.7 3.0 2.8 3.2 3.5 --- 510-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, mighty Oracle, to whom the future is as transparent as Richard > Nixon's claims of innocence, please tell me what's in store for me > over the course of my life. Will I be handsome? Will I be rich? I > know that whatever will be, will be, but, since the future is yours > to see, please tell me que sera. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My child, let me tell you what happened to another supplicant who } wanted to know his personal future. } } I told him, "Important people will come to you with all manner of } questions." (Something I know a lot about.) } } Well, he figured he was set. He opened a financial consulting firm and } waited for the questions to pour in. But time passed, and nobody came, } and he began to need money. He knew he had an important destiny, so he } figured that placed him above morality. He fiddled with some numbers } here and there, transfered some funds, did a little insider trading, } etc., etc. } } Next thing he knew he was in front of a Senate investigatory committee. } } So I was right. Of course. } } The point is, some things it's better you shouldn't know. But I'll } give you a few hints. } } On February 16, 2004, your office will run out of non-dairy creamer. } Panic will reign. (Better buy some now; it'll still be fine by then.) } } By the late 2010's you will succumb to the (then-current) fashion of } extremely long hair for both sexes. You will consistenly roll your } hair up in your car window. } } On New Years Eve, 2012, you will meet a well-known movie star at a } party and they will nibble your left earlobe. } } And, at some point in the next twenty years, you will seriously } consider having "Kiss Me, I use Fixodent" tattooed on your buttock. (I } won't say which buttock- you gotta have some mystery in your life.) } } For this valuable information, the Oracle demands the object you're } going to find buried on the beach during the summer of 1998. Sure, } it's easy to say yes NOW... --- 510-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > O Oracle, cooler than cool, neater than neato and hunkier tha > hunky-dory, please tell me: > > Why are parents who grew up in the fifties so rigid? I should think > that living through the sixties would have given a *few* of them a more > open attitude about sex. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They're rigid because they're dead. The sixties gave them an open } attitude about more things than sex. Like snorting battery acid, for } instance. } } You owe the Oracle a moral dilemma. --- 510-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle who understands all bureaucracies, > Who never has to pay bribes or through the nose, > Who has an infinite supply of red tape, > And yet has sissors that will cut through any red tape, > Please answer my humble question! > > I am BORED with this project! I want to play games!! > - Why doesn't my new sys admin allow any games on the system > other than solitare? > - Why doesn't SUN have a version of rogue so my old sys admin > could give me my 'fix'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No fair asking two questions on one grovel! But since you grovel so } well, I'll answer the question you REALLY intended to ask... What can } you do to cure boredom at the workstation? And so, here's... } } THE ORACLE'S TOP TEN USES FOR A SUN WORKSTATION } } 1. Guess how many shot glasses of whiskey you can balance on the } monitor. After an hour of this, the time will just seem to fly! } } 2. Turn the monitor off, write cryptic messages on the screen with } liquid paper, and see how long it takes for your administrator to } figure out what's wrong. } } 3. Replace the internal mechanism with a stereo system -- and watch the } fun begin! } } 4. Fill the case with bean dip (remember to disconnect the power supply } first!) } } 5. Note: detached monitor can be used as a volleyball. Watch out for } power spikes! } } 6. If you hold your face up to the screen for a few hours, you can get } a fairly decent tan. } } 7. Can the unit support your body weight? Find out! } } 8. Individual keys can be made into pendants for necklaces, bracelets, } etc. Great for holiday gifts! } } 9. How many disks can YOU cram into the drive? (Hint: the record is } SEVEN!) } } 10. Turn the power on and off in a darkened room to create that neat } "strobe" effect that makes things look like they're happening in } slow motion! } } You owe the Oracle some different-colored tape. --- 510-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Divine, Omnipotent, Realistic, Kindly Oracle, > > First, thanks for getting me into the White House. No-one, except > you and I, will know how many bets I won on *that*! > However, I have a slight problem here. The Democratic Party told > that as long as I was "their man", everything would work out fine. > They made every appearance of winning the election for me, but now they > have left me cold. I can't even get this piddly Transition Team > together! Then, I'll have Cabinet appointments to make! And, somewheres > in the smokey, hazy recesses of my memory, I recall something about > presenting legislation to Congress sometime 'real soon'. > So, *please* tell me, what am I to do? > > Always yours, (heard *that* before? ;) > > Bill Clinton > President-Elect > The United States of America > > P.S. Lately I've had this very strong urge to go up to George Bush and > say, "Hey, it was just a joke. Have at it!". Is this some type of hint > from you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry, Mr. Bush, but the Oracle will not be tricked into appearing to } favor one political camp over the other by offering political strategy } tips. You lost, buddy, get used to it. I'd suggest you go back to } your home in Houston and take up a hobby but I understand the Democrats } rented out your hotel room while you were President and you don't have } a home in Texas to go to. Life sucks. } } You owe the Oracle and the American people three trillion dollars. --- 510-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh USENET oracle, which has all the answers to all the questions, > and more than that even, > > WHY WHY WHY am I such an idiot with women? I mostly act like I want to > be just friends and then every other YEAR or so I find one I really > like and then I'm too fucking stupid to go get to know her. I'm > lonely but I haven't met anybody I liked enough to ask out in MORE > THAN A YEAR, dammit. Jesus (I mean, Oracle) I suck. > > I'd appreciate an answer to my question. There's no w**dch*cks in > it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh wondrous supplicant, you are wiser than you know. Women cause } nothing but trouble, and you're better off without them. I mean, } having them for FRIENDS is just fine, I suppose, if you must, but } don't go any farther with it than that. I mean it. } } Of course, that's not the answer you want to hear. You want me to } tell you that if you use "IRON" cologne, work out twice a week, and } just CALM DOWN, you'll be more successful with women. Well, you could } do those things, and you'd be "more successful" in the usual mundane } sense -- but you'll be ruining the rest of your life, too. So DON'T } DO IT. I mean it. } } As for your sexual needs, I have no suggestions you'll pay any } attention to, so I won't bother. Just make sure you don't fall into } the trap of thinking you need a woman to deal with that; that way lies } domination, humiliation, and financial ruin. Find another outlet. I } mean it. } } You owe the Oracle another outlet. --- 510-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sirs: > > I'm writting for two reasons. The first is about your temporary file > structure. > > I acquired your software for my Ph.D. thesis in applied biocomputing. > I want to implement an expert system as a series of Perl scripts between > the literature, patient, and mass storage using your database and new > file compression algorithms. It's easiest to explain with a diagram: > --------------- > ----------- ----------- ------------ | | ---------- > | | | | | | | "virtual | | | > | poor |->-| my |->-| Oracle |->-| hard disk" |->-|physical| > |miserable| | Perl | | database | | (my file | |storage | > | patient |-<-| scripts |-<-| software |-<-| compression |-<-|(yuck!) | > | | | | | | | software) | | | > ----------- ----------- ------------ | | ---------- > | | | --------------- . > | v | | | . > v | -------------<----------- | | . > | -------------------- | | | . > | | | | | | . > -->-| full medical lab |---->---- ^ ^ v . > | | | | | | . > -------------------- v | | | . > | | | | . > ------------------------- | | | | . > | | ----------- ----------- ----------- > | texts and journals on | | | | | | | > | medicine, veterinary | | full | | more | | random | > | science, psychology, |->-| page |->-| Perl |-<-| number | > | psychiatry, and | | scanner | | scripts | |generator| > | forensic science | | | | | | | > | | ----------- ----------- ----------- > ------------------------- | | > | [inner loop] v ^ > | | | > ^ ---------------------- ----------- -------- > | | | | | | | > | | more worthless | | 8 ppm | |radio-| > ---<--| texts and journals |-<-| laser | |active| > | on medicine, etc. | | printer | |source| > | | | | | | > ---------------------- ----------- -------- > The end result will be able to tell what ails what, whether or not it's > too late, and should be very well published. > > The problem I'm having is with your temporary files. My virtual disk > does not properly handle these. Do you have any documentation that > defines these files and when they are required. I require this > information for the successful completion of my thesis. > > The second reason that I'm writting is that I don't appreciate all the > fun that's poked at Oracle database software in this newsgroup. I bust > my budget on your code and it makes me look like a fool to the > department. Everyday someone tapes another of these 'oracularities' on > my door. And please, this e-mail with 'tell me' in the subject line, > what kind of customer support is this! > > Sincerely, > > Sally Wright, Dept. of Biocomputing, West Polytech, Adeline, Australia > swright@asterix.biocomp.wpoly.ac.au And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello. You have reached sub-lobe number 43257 in the Infinite Oracular } Cerebro-cyber cortex, also known as "The Ombudsman," but often referred } to by its neighbors and co-workers as "That Bitch." If you consulted } page 254 of your owners' manual, you no doubt know that customer } service comes in four forms: } } 1) Billable telephone time. Here you pay not only for the cost } of the call, but also for the privelege of sampling at least four } cd's worth of the Oracle's tasteful, sanity-inducing music. (At } least, laboratory tests on higher life forms have demonstrated } that there IS a clear link between Wayne Newton and Mahatma } Ghandi's tenets of pacifism. However, these were strictly } computer simulations as most non-virtual efforts proved to } produce entirely too much blood for the Sanitation Department to } handle efficiently.) } } 2) Personal service. If you happen to live within easy walking } distance of Oracle Labs, then you may stroll right into our cosy } offices, dust off a couch, and make yourself comfortable. At } least, the Customer Service Department at Olympus Rent-a-Griffin } assured us that paying customers will not be devoured...and you } will be paying, won't you? } } 3) Extra-deluxe pre-purchased failure insurance and coverage. } Recently implemented to demonstrate our commitment to you, our } customers. Please refer to the EDPPFIC reference manual, pages } 1-23415 for more details. And do note the inside back cover, } which clearly notes that we are not liable for any failure on } the part of the purchaser in understanding the "helpful new } features" we have implemented in version 7.1.0.6b. } } 4) Supplication. This is, evidently, the route which you have } taken. Cheap, but risky. If, for instance, you were to try } using our software to simulate wood chuck behavior... } And don't forget to grovel. } } You owe the oracle the entire contents of your university's endowment } and a better customer service simulator. --- 510-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > i feel utterly worthless. nobody really likes me; nobody cares whether > I live or die. i fart too much and have sexual perversions i find > disgusting and i'm lazy and don't earn my keep. should i kill myself > or is there another way to stop the pain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whoa there. The last thing you should do is to take your own life. } Whether you know it or not, you mean a lot to a great many people. } What you ought to do instead is take up bowling. } Yes, bowling is a pleasure for all ages. Once you try it, you will } learn that there really is nothing that can compare to the joy of } watching your ball shoot cleanly down the lane and demolish the } once-neat setup of unsuspecting pins. Your sex drive will become a } distant memory compared to the constant joy that is your bowling. Your } other odious personal habits may turn out to actually be beneficial; } perhaps your farting will give you that little extra burst of power as } you release the ball. So cheer up! With a little practice, you will } soon be the envy of your neighborhood. You may eventually get to go on } ABC's Wide World of Sports to display your bowling talents all across } the planet. Untold riches will be yours. } } You owe the Oracle one Howard Cosell. --- 510-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and powerful Oracle, I have been unable to solve a deeply > spiritual dilemma which has plagued me for some time now. Many nights, > I lay awake asking myself this question over and over. It haunts my > every waking thought and threatens to undermine all that I hold true > in my faith. O wondrous Oracle, I beg, answer me this... > If you were a saint or angel and had a halo of light around your head, > would it attract bugs at night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the people that brought you the ORACUCO 5000 CAR ALARM } ELIMINATOR... } } It's the ORACUCO COMBINATION RELIGIOUS FIGURE/MEGAWATT BUG ZAPPER! } } Tired of having those outdoor parties ruined by secular humanists } and/or bloodsucking flying insects? Well, this product is just for } you! } } ORACUCO has contracted numerous famous religious figures to assist you } in dealing with those annoying pests! } } Jesus! } Buddha! } Various saints & angels! } Shiva! (Bar-be-ques started at no extra cost!) } } Just sit back and enjoy as those nasty atheists are blinded by the } light! Relax and watch insects vaporize instantly as they fly into } the fiery aura! } } (ORACUCO regrets to inform you that, due to the contractual nature of } these figures, they are only for rent, and not for sale.) } } And remember, its from ORACUCO!! } } Operators are standing by. } VISA and MasterCard accepted. } Sorry, no C.O.D.'s. } } The Oracle has advertised. } (This incarnation has blasphemed.) --- 510-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O greatest & wisest one on Earth, magnificent Oracle, please help! > > I was trying out a magic spell a few minutes ago and there was this > flash of light and an explosion, and when I came to I had become a > giant piece of pizza. Using pseudopodia of cheese I can type, but > I'm afraid that someone will come along and eat me up! How can I > change back into human form, any sort of human form? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's what you have to do - and hurry, they're after you even as we } speak! First, toss off a piece of pepperoni to deter pursuit. } Hopefully they'll run right into it, slip and fall. Create a lasso } with a string of cheese and toss it up to the light fixture. Pull } yourself up, swinging erratically to avoid the natives' forks. Reach } up to the ceiling, and using a bit of mushroom and some grease, pick } the lock to the main computer room overhead. Quickly now - they see } what you're trying and are coming up to get you! You won't need the } string lasso now - stretch it out across the doorway so anyone coming } in will trip. Now you must pass the Test of the VAX. Move carefully } to the main console, avoiding loose floor tiles - they may be trapped. } Once there, you must type in the sacred password to give you access to } the Lost Filesystem. Remember - THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! - use ASCII, } not EBCDIC! If you choose correctly, the Lost Files will be opened for } you. Their healing rays will restore you to human form and blast your } followers into little dust mites. } You owe the Oracle a Swiss Army knife, one of those neat hats, and a } major motion picture. --- 510-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Protective Oracle, Please answer this simple question: > > I will be in New York City over the holidays to attend a play. Should > I prepare myself by carrying a concealed weapon? If so, is an > automatic a good choice? Many thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't be ridiculous, the concept that concealed weapons provide any } protection at all is a fallacy. If some one sees fit to attack you, } the first thing they're going to do is prevent you from rooting around } in your pockets for a concealed weapon. } } The concept I want to promote here is prevention. You want to avoid } placing yourself in the position of the victim. To this end, you're } better off carrying a large ugly obvious weapon such as a pole-axe or a } broad sword. This way you deter an attack before it get's started. It } also helps if you wear a lot of furs and an iron helmet with big spike } horns. } } The concept of an automatic weapon is a good one. But we're not } talking about a dinky semi-automatic pistol. The temptation to conceal } it is too great. You're better of with an M-60 crowd pleaser. You } don't have to take the extra time to draw it, and if you have the } teflon coated rounds, you can take out your attacker even if he/she } dives for cover behind a parked car or innocent bystanders. } } Remeber to use your weapons frequently. Attack an occasional telephone } pole or taxi-cab. As an added bonus, you will find that these } techniques will also get you through the ticket line faster and could } possibly grant you a private showing.