From oracle-request Sun Dec 6 00:10:37 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA15528; Sun, 6 Dec 1992 00:10:37 -0500 Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1992 00:10:37 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #509 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 509 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #509 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1992 00:10:37 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 509 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 504 29 votes 43a84 6a373 08b55 62876 28775 5b931 38b52 44c72 458c0 36b90 504 3.0 mean 3.2 2.7 3.2 3.2 3.2 2.4 2.8 3.0 3.0 2.9 --- 509-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise, all-seeing, aesthetically-savvy Oracle, > So how do you like the new me? Do you think the plastic surgeons > went too far, or do you think I'm sexy now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, let's see: } } You've now got wonderful, long, blonde hair. And I see shimmering } blue eyes surrounded by radiant fair, blemishless skin, with just } the right cheekbones. } } There's a perfectly aligned, white smile. } } } } My! Those are impressive breasts. Large and round but with no snag } and just the right amount of jiggle. } } Gee, cellulite-free thighs and legs that are perfectly toned, and } just a little too long to be real. } } Why, Mr. Jackson, I think you look beautiful. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Weird Al's "Even Worse" album. --- 509-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Masterful Oracle, please answer your humble suppliant this question: > > How does one create the world's greatest data compression algorithm? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } . --- 509-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oprah, are you on a diet in preparation for the wedding? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OPRAH: Hello. I'm Oprah Winfrey. Welcome to the Usenet Oprah, a } wholly-owned subsidiary of the Usenet Oracle, Inc. Today's guests are } Biff Cheesteak, noted dietician; T. Uchuslekker, noted groveler; and } Susan Jane McFeely, author of "I'm OK, You're NJ." Let's start right } off with a question from the audience. Yes, you there? } AUDIENCE MEMBER:: Oprah, are you on a diet in preparation for the } wedding? } OPRAH: I'm sorry, ma'am, you forgot to grovel. Don't worry, } though, that's just what Dr. Uchuslekker is here for. Dr, would you } like to take this question? } DR. T: Why, certainly, oh most rotund Oprah, who is hipper than } Arsenio, and whose face is even more strangely shaped than Jay Leno's. } Ma'am, your question was wonderful-- so wonderful that, if ten billion } monkeys at typewriters typed for all eternities, they'd never come up } with a question half as good. But, if such an unworthy type as myself } might be so bold as to criticize you, you seem to be suffering from } "asycophantia"-- the inability to grovel. Let me help your most } honorable self (who is such a great audience that you would even } applaud if Menudo performed a duet with the New Kids On The Block.) OK? } Let's start off with a simple grovel, for now, and work our way up. } Repeat after me: "Oh, Oprah, who is OK, all things considered." } AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, Oprah, who... who... Doc, I just can't say it. } MCFEELY: Dr. Uchuslekker, if you don't mind my intruding, I'd like to } say that you're just trying to treat the symptoms of asycophantia, } without dealing with the underlying cause. You can't grovel unless you } feel good about _yourself_. Now, ma'am, I think you ought to start off } with some autosycophantia. Try repeating after me: "Oh, me, who is good } enough and smart enough-- gosh darn it, people like me." } AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, me, who is good enough and smart enough-- } [AUDIENCE MEMBER STANDS UP AND SHOUTS, WITH TEARS IN HER EYES] } AUDIENCE MEMBER: _PEOPLE LIKE ME!_ } MCFEELY: Good! Excellant! Now, try asking your question again. And } remember, you just have to be the best audience member you can be. } AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, Oprah, who waxes and wanes like the great silvery } moon, who is sensitive enough to wince in pain whena harsh voice is } raised in Istanbul, who has more guests than Lumiere (the charming } candle in _Beauty and the Beast_), I pray you, answer me: are you } on a diet in preparation for the wedding? } OPRAH: Oh, sorry, we're out of time. Tune in next week when our topic } "Women who use vi, and the men who love them." Bye! --- 509-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most swell, yadda yadda yadda... > I have this recurring dream where I'm standing in the forest, with > summer breezes gently soothing me, when suddenly this squirrel near me > explodes violently, sending clumps of burning fur and internal organs > flying everywhere. Then I wake up. > I have two questions, then: 1) Is this dream trying to tell me > something important about my life, and 2) What if it were a WOODCHUCK > instead of a squirrel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, now is my chance. I'm going to run your question through my new } DreamAnalyzer software of which I have a free complimentary evaluation } copy. } } oracle 29 % DreamAnalyzer < supplicant_question } } analyzing... } "I have this recurring dream where" ---> you enjoy eating apples } } "I'm standing in the forest" ---> you eat too much cold cereal in } the morning. } } "with summer breezes" ---> your computer account is about to expire. } } "gently soothing me" ---> your underwear *really* wants to be washed. } } "when suddenly this squirrel" ---> representing the election returns } from Rio Arriba county, New Mexico. } } "explodes violently" ---> represents your dissatisfaction with the } color scheme in your kitchen. } } "sending clumps of burning fur" ---> you still believe in Santa Claus, } the Great Pumpkin, and Unlimited } Disk Space } } "and internal organs flying everywhere" ---> you need to mow your lawn } } "Then I wake up." ---> your headwill explode during your next final } exam. } } "What if it were a WOODCHUCK" ---> the election returns from Kittitas } county, Washington. } } analyzing done. } } oracle 30 % lo } } hmm. most interesting. I think it is quite obvious whether or not } this dream is trying to tell you something. As to the importance of } that woodchuck, for reasons of national security I feel that I'd better } not tell you. } } You owe the oracle the head of the programmer who wrote this software. } On a platter. --- 509-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most informed, who knoweth where to true vault of Al Capone be > hid, and what lieth inside its maw, inform your miserable supplicant > on a matter of great importance. There's more talk shows springing up > than mushrooms on a pile of manure. What gives? How can I get my own > show? Do you have any plans for a show of your own? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh sure, I can just see it now. } } Oracle: Hi Folks! We've got a great show for you tonight. (throws } pencil at camera). Tonight, a new twist on stupid pet tricks: } the owner is his own pet. Hi there, Woody. } } W. Woodchuck: Hi Oracle! It's great to be here tonight. } } Oracle: Now, they tell me that you've come on my talk show just to } plug your new movie. Is that true? } } W. Woodchuck: Well, yes, it is, Oracle. } } Oracle: Want to elaborate? Tell us something about yourself for the } audience. } } W. Woodchuck: Well, as I said, it's great to be here tonight. And I've } got a new movie coming out that I want to plug. } } Oracle: Hmm. Well, instead of reminiscing about how many times you've } been on my talk show in the past, or talking to the band } leader to stall while desperately trying to come up with } on-the-fly joke ideas, lets go to the pet tricks. } } (W. Woodchuck starts chucking wood) } } Oracle: And now, we'll take a couple of phone calls from supplicants } at home. } } ---------------------- } Supplicant: Men follow me. Everyone is watching me. People are } constantly plotting against me. Why is everyone out to get } me?? } } Oracle: Because you are paranoid, and they don't like paranoid people. } Next! } ---------------------- } Supplicant: Are you really Richard Stallman in disguise? } } Oracle: If I am, it's GNUs to me! (drum riff) (bored obligatory } laughter) Next! } ---------------------- } Supplicant: Top Ten List Time! Who are the Top Ten Least Loved } Superheroes? } } Oracle: Top Ten List Time! } } 10. Spiderman. Spidey, would you *please* drop photography and get } a real job? You're only the world's greatest chemist. And stop } whining! } } 9. The Flaming Carrot. But then, you're supposed to hate him. } } 8. Kitty Pryde, who must be about 35 in physical years, maybe 800 } in terms of emotional scarring. (No, really, she's still only } 13, honest! Teenagers, look! Someone to identify with!) } } 7. Wonder Woman. Love the invisible plane. Very 90's. } } 6. Jason, the new Robin. Thanks for giving Batman so much emotional } stability. } } 5. Wesley Crusher. Didn't you know he was a superhero? } "Sorry Captain! My science project seems to have turned the sun } NOVA!" } } 4. Any of the X-Men who says something like "We've captured the bad } guys! Should we destroy them now? No, let's put them in a paper } mache jail somewhere so they can break out and reappear over and } over again!" } } 3. Matter-eater lad. He died from indigestion. } } 2. Zan and Jana, the "Wondertwins" from the Superfriends. } "Form of... an ice jet with a spare bedroom, hot tub, and open } bar!" } } AND, THE NUMBER ONE LEAST LOVED SUPERHERO: } } 1. Scrappy Doo. } } Wait a second, supplicant -- there was no grovel in your } question! I'll you for that!!! } } Hey, what are you doing?? } } (woodchuck pulls mask off the Oracle) } } Supplicant: Look! It's old man Withers! He's been pretending to be } the Oracle just to scare people away from Usenet while he } smuggles illegal copies of rec.humor.funny not officially } controll^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Happroved by Brad Templeton! } } Oracle: Yeah, and I would have gotten away with it to, if it hadn't } been for you meddling kids! And your pesky dog, too! } } You owe the Oracle a Scooby snack and a Mystery Machine. --- 509-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Wise oracle (we think..) (possible meglomanic). > > Which is heavier- a pound of feathers, or a pound of lead? > > -Your undecidedly Respectful Supplicant- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A pound of lead. This can be proven by a simple experiment, for which } you will need the following materials: } } * a one-pound lead weight } * a very large bird } * a first-aid kit } * an old-fashioned balance scale } * rope or heavy twine } } Step 1: Using the tweezers from the first-aid kit, remove one pound of } feathers from the bird. Use the balance scale and the lead weight to } accurately measure the weight of the feathers. Use the rest of the } first-aid kit to treat your injuries. If the bird does not have enough } feathers to remove one full pound, repeat this step with a larger bird } or find half-pound weights and continue the experiment with two birds. } } Step 2: Tie the lead weight to the bird's leg using the rope or twine. } Be certain the weight is securely attached to the bird. Again, use the } first-aid kit to treat your injuries. For best results use a massless, } frictionless rope (found in college Physics textbooks) or weigh the } rope and remove additional feathers. } } Step 3: Release the bird and observe that it can no longer fly. } } Conclusion: The bird cannot fly because it is now too heavy, after the } replacement of a pound of feathers with a pound of lead. Thus, we } conclude that a pound of feathers is heavier than a pound of lead, QED. } } You owe the Oracle an ostrich. --- 509-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Majestic Oracle, O being with the toe nail clippings more precious than > the pearls of the Ocean, I do not understand that untrustworthy infidel > called Bush, dictator of the Great Satan called America. Why is he > selling the Arab Nation all of those tools of destruction one day and > then bashing the living daylights out of us the next ? > > May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman. > > Saddam. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Announcer: Heya kids! Welcome to Mr. Bush's Neighborhood! It's the } live show, straight from the oval office where President } Bush gives soft answers to hard questions. } } [Applause] } } Announcer: Mr. Bush's neighborhood is brought to you by ... The } Companies ... reminding you that a good war now and then is } good for business! } } [Applause] } } Announcer: The secret word today is "economy". Kiddies, do you know } what this means? } } ["Yes! Yes! Yes!"] } } Announcer: You know what to do? } } ["Yes! Yes! Yes!"] } } Announcer: Economy! } } [Screams!] } } Announcer: You know what to do. And now here's our host, George Bush! } } [Applause!] } } Bush: Thanks, thanks. } } [Applause!] } } Bush: I'm flattered. Really. } } [Applause ... continues ...] } } Bush: Would you SIT DOWN and SHUT UP? There, that's much better. } Today we're going to talk about the Persian Gulf War. Kinda } desert theme. Good for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: This reminds me. Heh heh. This reminds me of a really ... far } out ... joke. Listen to this. This dates back to my Skull and } Bones days. Funny, really. } } [Chanting ... "Tell us the fucking joke, please!"] } } Bush: Alright, alright. You twisted my arm! See? Twist twist. } } [Laughter] } } Bush: How many A-Rabs would you kill to save our economy? } } [Screams!] } } ["How many, George? How many?"] } } Bush: All of them! } } [Laughter] } } Bush: Ha ha. I liked it too. Funny. Sorta a racial joke. Pisses } off those God Damn PC'ers. } } ["Boo!"] } } Bush: You know them? Those politically correct ... } } ["Booo!"] } } Bush: Not prudent! Can't say those racial jokes. Offends the } minorities. Bad for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: But seriously now. Seriously. Serious. Many concerned voters } have been callin' the white house. Yeah. And you know what } they've been saying? } } ["Tell us, George!"] } } Bush: Well I'll tell you. Some of them pinko commie liberal democrat } atheist trash yellow press have been talkin'! } } ["Boo!"] } } Bush: And you know it. You know what they've been saying. They say I } sold arms to Iraq! } } ["Boo!!!"] } } Bush: Well, yes. I did do that. } } [The booing instantly and mysteriously stops.] } } Bush: And these same commie atheists say I helped Saddam build his } nuclear arsenal. } } ["Liars! Liars!!!"] } } Bush: Well, yes. I did do that. } } [The screams of 'liars' instantly and mysteriously stops.] } } Bush: But I wasn't "coddling" him! } } ["No! Yes!"] } } Bush: That would be bad for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: And arms sales are good for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: Good for the economy! } } [Screams!] } } Bush: But Saddam pulled a dirty trick. Yes he did. } } ["Boo! Hiss!"] } } Bush: Had to invade Kuwait. He was a bad boy. } } ["Boo!"] } } Bush: Price of oil went up! } } ["Bad! Bad!"] } } Bush: That's right. Not prudent. Not good for democracy. Baaaad for } the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: Had to do the war thing. } } [Cheers!] } } Bush: So tonight kiddies, I'm going to teach you a new word! Are you } ready, kids? } } ["Yes! Yes!"] } } Bush: Alright. It's "Expediency"! } } ["Expediency!"] } } Bush: That's right. It's Expedient to kill A-Rabs! } } [Cheers] } } Bush: Good for the economy. } } [Screams!] } } Bush: Economy, economy, economy! } } [Screams! Screams! Screams!] } } Announcer: And that's it for this week's installment of Mr. Bush's } Neighborhood! We hope to see you again after the voting } Tuesday ... but don't count on it. Bye! --- 509-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderful Oracle, to whom the mysteries of life, love, the > Universe and everything are mere child's play, tell me why my > husband so easily forgets little things that mean a lot (Valentine's, > anniversaries, birthdays). Please? Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Frankly, I do not think that Valentine's day is so important. A little } attention outside the usual bank holidays is often much more } appreciated. It doesn't mean that he loves you less - he's just too } occupied with more important things... Like corresponding to the } Oracle, for example. (Rustle, rustle) - lemme see... here I have his } last question: "Oh most wonderful and erotic Oracle"... Er, I think we } can skip that... "Why does my wife always insist on silly gifts like } flowers for unimportant opportunities like our 10th wedding anniversary } etc." - } See? Well, if you really think that he doesn't care enough for you, we } should discuss this matter personally, just come over and... } } Lisa: Orrie, what are you typing there again? } } Er, well, it's about human relationships and all that... Nothing } important, reaally! } } Lisa: And I haven't seen a present from you for my last birthday, } either! } } Well, Lisa, you know I tend to forget your birthdays, because you're } never getting older, really! And besides, I have this here for you... } } Lisa: Oh, what a wonderful bunch of roses! Where do you get them from? } } Well, an admirer... er, no, wait - I bought them especially for you, } you know, and... } } Lisa: Oh, Orrie! } } Pheew, that was close. You owe the Oracle some flowers for Oracle Day. } Heck, *every* day is Oracle Day! --- 509-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose mental processes are the very embodyment of perfect > logic and rationality, please answer my humble question: am I insane? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my dear supplicant, surely you are familiar with the ancient } Tibetian saying "Any man who can honestly question his own sanity must } surely know that he is still sane." Of course the monk who first } uttered this phrase was stark raving bonkers, so it must be taken with } a grain of salt. } } The truth of the matter is that no person is capable of independantly } judging their own sanity, so I am sending you the Oracle's At Home Am I } A Loonie Test. } } The Oracle's At Home Am I A Loonie Test } } 1. You are at a party. The host spills a plate of cold cuts into the } fruit punch. Do you } a) Pretend like you didn't notice, and avoid eating any sandwiches. } b) Grab a hunk of moist bologna and wear it like a pin. } c) Cut off their head with a kitchen knife. } } 2. You are at home, and a door to door salesman tries to sell you a } magazine subscription. Do you } a) Buy one. } b) Slam the door in their face while singing the German National } Anthem. } c) Cut off their head with a kitchen knife. } } 3. Your favorite stock is: } a) AT&T. } b) Amalgamated Valium Manufacturers. } c) Cutco. } } 4. When dining out, you order } a) Steak and lobster. } b) Nothing, you just snack on the floral arrangement. } c) Anything that is still breathing. And a kitchen knife. } } 5. Your next door neighbor invites you to go bowling and you accept. } At the bowling alley do you } a) Try not to show him up in the hopes that he will buy the beer. } b) Try and throw all the balls down the alley at once. } c) Cut off his head with a kitchen knife. } } 6. You prefer: } a) Albert Einstein } b) Margaret Leakey } c) Charles Manson } } Now add up your score } } 1. a) 0 b) 10 c) 1000 } 2. a) 10 b) 0 c) 1000 } 3. a) 0 b) 10 c) 1000 } 4. a) 0 b) 10 c) 1000 } 5. a) 0 b) 10 c) 1000 } 6. a) 0 b) 11000 c) 1000 } } If you scored: } } 0-20 points: Congratulations, you are perfectly sane. } 20-100 points: Check yourself into an institution immediately. } 100-10000 points: Technically, you aren't insane, you are a homicidal } maniac. } Greather than 10,000 points: You are fond of anthropologists. Really, } it's not something to be ashamed of. } } You owe it to the oracle to wait around until the gentlemen in the } white suits show up. --- 509-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: The Usenet Oracle > > Dear Sir, > > We have just completed a search through our archives, and discovered > that you have no record of having paid any income taxes during the > years 1987-1992. We have completed an audit of your accounts and have > discovered that you have recieved a substantial income during that > period, based on the value of gifts recieved, estimated to be > $1,234,567,890.98 Under current Federal and Indiana State Law, you have > been in residence long enough to be considered a permanent resident, > and are thus eligible for direct income taxation by the U.S. > government. Counting penalties for back taxes unpaid, you owe the > government $1,234,567,890.97 Make check payable to IRS. > > Note also that there is no record of your birth/creation nor of > immigration. If you do not wish to have your citizenship privileges > revoked, contact the INS immediately. > > Sincerely Yours, > > xxxxxxxx > Internal Revenue Service And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello? Mr. xxxxxxxx? It's the Usenet Oracle. How are you? Yes, } the woodchucks are fine, thank you. Just wanted to let you know that } the check you requested is in the mail... } } Say hello to your lovely wife yyyyyyyy, your children zzzzzzzz and } wwwwwwww, and your dog Fang for me. } } Don't hang up! I love to chat with income tax people. Tell me more } about Schedule V14. It must be fascinating. } } (Resolution: to buy an electric ZOT so that I don't have to stall for } time while I wait for the #$%^$@ batteries to recharge.) } } Yes... how interesting... keep talking...