From oracle-request Tue Nov 24 00:10:59 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA01575; Tue, 24 Nov 1992 00:10:59 -0500 Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 00:10:59 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #505 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 505 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #505 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 00:10:59 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 505 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 500 43 votes 1cee2 6ja53 489e8 7dac1 24md2 4agb2 4ah75 9ha25 18dg5 234ao 500 3.1 mean 3.1 2.5 3.3 2.7 3.2 2.9 3.0 2.5 3.4 4.2 --- 505-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WOODCHUCK MAN > a song by > They Might Be Supplicants > ---- ----- -- ----------- > > Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man > Doing the things a Woodchuck can > What's he like? It's not important > Woodchuck Man > > Is he calm? Or running amuck? > When he's in wood, does he chuck? > Or does the wood get him instead? > Nobody knows. > Woodchuck Man > > Oracle Man, Oracle Man > Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man > They have a fight, Oracle wins. > Oracle Man > > Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man > Really Annoying Supplicant Man > Usually asks about Woodchuck Man > Supplicant Man > > He's got a watch with a minute hand, > Millenium hand and an eon hand > When they meet it's a happy land > Powerful man, Supplicant Man > > Oracle Man, Oracle Man > Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man > They have a fight > Oracle wins > Oracle Man And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cute, Supplicant. Very cute indeed. Unfortunately, I am compelled to } inform you that any attempt to publish or record these lyrics will } result in criminal prosecution. You see, it bears a remarkable } similarity to one of my own compositions: Secret Woodchuck Man, which } you may have heard running over the credits of the TV series of the } same name. The show was an ill-fated attempt to mix nature and } spy-action programming, but the song hit #12 on the charts back in } 1965: } } SECRET WOODCHUCK MAN } } Words and music by U. T. Oracle } Performed by Johnny Slivers } from the TV series "Secret Woodchuck Man" starring Patrick McMarmot } ______________________________ } There's a chuck who lives a life of danger } The nightmare of every forest ranger } Don't tell him that he's cute } If you do your life is moot } Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow } } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Give him all your lumber } 'Cause chuckin' is his game... } } Alone he waddles through the forest silence } Twenty pounds of wild rodentine violence } With cheek pouches made of steel } He's makin' you his next meal } And odds are you won't live to see tomorrow! } } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Give him all your lumber } 'Cause chuckin' is his game... } } Don't ask him where he's from or where he's goin' } Or how long will the winter winds be blowin' } Or the chuckin' that he could } Do if a woodchuck could chuck wood } 'Cause odds are you won't live to see tomorrow! } } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Secret Woodchuck Man! } Give him all your lumber } 'Cause chuckin' is his game... } } You owe the Oracle a cord of wood and a martini (shaken, not stirred). --- 505-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have tried all the dishes of the great chef boy-ar-dee and yet > they all taste similar somehow. His spaghetti-o's taste not unlike his > beef ravioli, and so to his beefaroni resembles his spaghetti and > meatballs. Why is this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. Boy R. Dee is actually a Chemical Engineer with a M.S. from the } University of Wisconsin, Madison. He stumbled upon his secret formula } by accident -- he was originally attempting to synthesize a more } cost-efficient, elastic, and lighter brassiere elastic when he } accidentally added tomato paste instead of toluene. The resultant mess } that exploded all over the room suddenly got Mr. Dee's brain moving } when he realized that } a) it sorta smelled and tasted like lousy spaghetti, and } b) it cost about $0.013/pound to make. } } All he needed to do was add a tiny amount of some ridiculously } addictive substance to it (he had a hard time trying to find the } extracts of power and sex, so he switched to cocaine instead), and it } could pass off as some quasi-food product which people kept eating for } no apprent reason, not knowing that they were addicted. } } And that is why people like you still buy one different product of Mr. } Dee's after another -- for that lift -- not realizing that it's all the } same, noxious substance in different forms. } } You owe the Oracle a 7-11 cheese burrito, NOW! --- 505-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Usenet Oracle, whose magnificient brain contains more knowledge > than a computer the size of the Earth could ever hope to hold, and > whose magnimosity with supplicants who run out of imagination halfway > through a grovel is the greatest in the Universe, please help this > lowly supplicant. > > Yesterday, I bought a *ZOT*-proof vest from a guy who said he had > permission to sell Officially Licensed UseNet Oracle (tm) merchandise. > (I also bought a 24 month Lisa calendar, and have a question about > the watermelons on July/93, but I'll ask that later.) Anyhow, after > the guy left, I realized there was only one way to test the vest, > which is to wear it and send off the WQ. Unfortunately, if this > vest is a fake, I'll be dead (and also out $250). And that would > mean I'd never get to spend May '94 staring at all those feather > dusters, and I really don't want it to happen. So I'll just quietly > logoff now... > > No, I've got to know, so with one last look at December 1994, please > tell me this. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck > could chuck wood? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me tell you, kid, you've just had one heck of a close call. That } vest happens to be a fake. The calendar is a fake. The WQ is a FAQ. } Lucky for you, though, that I just bought me a WQ-proof vest. Let's } watch it in action: } } SUPPLICANT: Oh, mighty Oracle, whose thumb I am not worthy to tack, } whose smoke I am not worthy to stack, whose king I am not worthy to } pin, tell me: how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck } could chuck wood? } ORACLE: La dee da da... Da dee, da da. Say, Lisa, did you hear } something? } } Pretty impressive, eh? I'll never again have to deal with the WQ. It } just rolls right off, like water off a melon. I'm so pleased that } not only will I not *ZOT* you, I'll even give you the phone number of } the woman who posed for that pseudo-Lisa calendar. } } You owe the Oracle a poster-sized copy of January 94. --- 505-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A size 6 green hat was found in room 243. Please come claim it at the > front office if it is yours. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Ding] } ................. } hmmmm, hm hm hm, ........ } [ding,ding,ding,ding,ding] } Clerk: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, just hold your frickin } horses. } Clerk: We're full. } Oracle: My hat, please. } C: I ain't da frickin hat check girl, buddy, beat it. } O: My hat that was found in room 243. The green size 6. Right back } there on the shelf. } C: Your gonna havta talk to da manager, buddy. } O: Just give me my hat. } C: HEY JOEY, COME ON OUT HERE. I GOT THE GUY FROM 243 HERE. SAYS HE } WANTS HIS HAT. } Joey the Manager: Mr. Oracle, we got a little problem here. } O: Just give me the hat. } J: Well, first I want to clear up a matter with some damages and your } room service bill. First of all we lost our best maid. She quit. } Said no way was she gonna clean up the dead woodchucks and bird } entrails. The carpet is ruined. The TV doesn't work right anymore. } Only gets one channel. Some kind of Use it news or some crap like } that. And nobody paid for the six cans of Crisco(tm) and the two } dozen polish sausages you ordered. } O: So what's your question? } J: WHAT'S MY QUESTION? } O: That'll do. Forgot to grovel, did you? I knew you would. } J: What the hey? } O: That's two. } Clerk: Hey what do you think your doing? } O: Good joining your boss. Plenty of questions. No grovel. I think the } solution is clear. } } [The Oracle somehow manages to put the size 6 hat on his size 14 head] } } Thank you suplicant for assisting the Oracle. Your reward for } finding the hat is some of this leftover Polish Woodchuck Stew. --- 505-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When Jesus rose from the dead, he didn't do a huge amount. According to > the Bible he had a quick conversation and disappeared to heaven or > something. So why did he bother rising from the dead? Was it just > sensationalism? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer to your question is like this: A man had three } servants. The first servant came unto the man, and said, "The kingdom } of heaven is like a mustard seed." Unto him, the master said, "You have } spoken the truth, but you neglected to grovel." Thus it } came to pass that the master ed the first servant. } Then came unto the man the second servant, who said, "Render } unto ceasar that which is ceasar's, oh great and powerful master." } Unto him, the master said, "You, too, have spoken the truth, and your } grovel you have not forsaken. Yet I beheld your grovel, and it was not } clever, and therefore will I not answer unto you." And the servant } went in peace. } Then came unto the man the third servant, who said, "Oh, } great and powerful master, whose servant's servant's servant's } servant's servant's second cousin's servant I am not worthy to be, who } speaks in parables so obtuse that _Finnegan's Wake_ is as an Aesop's } fable, who can feed the whole world with a single loaf of bread and a } sixpack of Jolt, tell me please: was Jesus's resurrection just a bit of } sensationalism?" } And, verily, the master was pleased, and he said unto his } servant, "You have spoken the truth, and your grovel have you not } forsaken. I have beheld your grovel, and, behold, it was clever. } Therefore will I answer unto you with a parable. The answer to your } question is like this: A man had three servants. The first servant--" } Alas, at that moment, the master was struck down with plague. } And there was much wailing, and gnashing of teeth, but it availed not, } and the servant never got a decent answer. C'est la vie. } } You owe the Oracle the Shroud of Turin, or a really warm scarf. --- 505-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most glorious Oracle, whose thermos doth keep hot things hot and cold > things cold, yea for all eternity: > > The answer is: 37 greyhound puppies and a blender. > > What is the question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question is: } } How do you make a dog team mush? --- 505-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, whose shoes are pumped with uranium hexafluoride > gas, and whose carpet I am unfit to ensconce, > > How many men must walk upon a road, before it is considered a road? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is three men. If one man walks it, it is not yet anything } but the place where one man has walked. If two men walk it, they will } not let anyone else know about it for fear that they will be branded } gay by the conservative elite and hence be unfit for military service. } } But if three men walk it, it's a road. Expect the Burma Shave signs } and nasty diesel-spewing Volvos any day now. } } If, however, a cat walks it, all bets are off and the road is a } catwalk. } } You owe the Oracle a cat who won't ensconce his rugs. --- 505-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Reader > This lucky chain letter was started by Estupido Cabeza, a missionary in > Uruguay who discovered the Secrets of Good Fortune chiselled into a > stone on which he was relieving himself while on a pilgrimmage to the > Shrine of Our Lady of the Chronic Wheeze high in Andes. Senor Cabeza > wants to share his extraordinary luck with the people of the world > through this letter. > > How can you share in Estupido's luck? Simply add your name to the > bottom of the list below, send $5 or the equivalent in aluminum cans > to the person at the top of the list. Then cross the top name off, > make copies and distribute to 100 of your closest friends and family > members. Then wait. Something good will happen to you within a > week. A woman in Warsaw lost all her facial hair! A man in Athens > was mysteriously willed a chain of bath houses! A troubled plumbing > executive in New York City suddenly had all charges against him > dropped! These wonderful things can happen to you! > > Do not break this chain. I am not responsible for what happens to you > if you do! One lady in Minneapolis lost all four limbs in a Cuisinart > accident only three days after throwing the letter away. The curse > struck one woman in Dresden so rapidly that she was dead by the time > the letter arrived! Please, do not let this happen to you! > > Add your name to this list, and good luck! > > > > Ed McMahon > > > Ross Perot > > > Homer Simpson > > > Tommy Lasorda > > > Jeffrey Dahmer > > > Saddam Hussein > > > Darkwing Duck > > > Laura Palmer > > > Madonna And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Dear Reader } > This lucky chain letter was started by Estupido Cabeza, a missionary } > in Uruguay who discovered the Secrets of Good Fortune chiselled into } > a stone on which he was relieving himself while on a pilgrimmage to } > the Shrine of Our Lady of the Chronic Wheeze high in Andes. Senor } > Cabeza wants to share his extraordinary luck with the people of the } > world through this letter. } > } > How can you share in Estupido's luck? Simply add your name to the } > bottom of the list below, send $5 or the equivalent in aluminum cans } > to the person at the top of the list. Then cross the top name off, } > make copies and distribute to 100 of your closest friends and family } > members. Then wait. Something good will happen to you within a } > week. A woman in Warsaw lost all her facial hair! A man in Athens } > was mysteriously willed a chain of bath houses! A troubled plumbing } > executive in New York City suddenly had all charges against him } > dropped! These wonderful things can happen to you! } > } > Do not break this chain. I am not responsible for what happens to } > you if you do! One lady in Minneapolis lost all four limbs in a } > Cuisinart accident only three days after throwing the letter away. } > The curse struck one woman in Dresden so rapidly that she was dead by } > the time the letter arrived! Please, do not let this happen to you! } > } > Add your name to this list, and good luck! } > } > > > Ed McMahon } > > > Ross Perot } > > > Homer Simpson } > > > Tommy Lasorda } > > > Jeffrey Dahmer } > > > Saddam Hussein } > > > Darkwing Duck } > > > Laura Palmer } > > > Madonna } > > > *Usenet Oracle* --- 505-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great oracle, who's very feet I am not worth to sniff in the dark > of midnight... > > There are so many beautiful girls here at college -- I just can't seem > to find one that will like me or even go out with me! Do I have any > hope at all? What should I do or say to get their attention?! (In a > good way, that is...) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha, foolish mortal. Watch the oracle in action, and learn. } } SCENE: A bar in a college town. A babe sits at a bar. Enter Oracle. } } ORACLE: Greetings, mortal. May I buy you a drink? } BABE: Get lost. } ORACLE: So, what's your sign? } BABE: Buzz off. } ORACLE: Would you like to see my etchings? } BABE: Amscray. } ORACLE: Have you got any ancient Greek in you? Would you like some? } BABE: Vamoose. } ORACLE: If you don't go out with me, I'll vaporize you into your } component atoms. } BABE: Make like an exorcist and get the hell out of here. } [Suddenly, a thick bolt of lightening strikes, vaporizing the entire } bar and leaving only the babe, the Oracle, and their bar stools.] } BABE: Your place or mine? } } Hmmm... As you can see, even I have trouble finding romance. The best } advice I can give you is: be patient. The right person will come } along someday, and, when she does, things will work out, provided you } don't accidently atomize her first. } } You owe the Oracle a promise that you won't mention this little bar } escapade to Lisa. She thinks I'm at an aluminum-siding convention --- 505-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle of wisdom and terror, he who strikes fear into the hearts of > men, tell me: > > I recently got done running lights for a production of "The > Fantasticks" which is a musical drama. At one point there's a somewhat > silly monologue about a forest in which reference is made to the place > "where woodchucks woo". Do woodchucks really woo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: An underground headquarters miles below a serene woods. } In front of a giant computer screen sits the Oracle's arch enemy, } the Wood Chuck. He sits before his EviL Villian Information System, } which is really an overpriced and obselete computer terminal of } megalithic proportions. } } Wood Chuck: Bwahahahahahaha! Now my plan is near completion. With } the help of ELVIS here, I have been able to infiltrate } the Oracle's inquiry acceptance system and flood the } place with woodchuck queries. Not only has this reduced } the Oracle's efficiency, but other supplicants have now } started doing the same thing. Hahahahaha. And since } the Oracle will get bogged down in his question queue, } I will then present myself as omniscient, and with my } vast knowledge on the subject of woodchucks, I shall } dismiss those questions and take over the Oracle's } position. Then he will be disgraced, and his life of } luxury (and Lisa) will be mine. Nyahahahahahah!!! } As a matter of fact, I'll start leeching off the } Oracle's queue, answer a few easy woodchuck questions, } and the Oracle's doom will be sealed. Let's see, what } is this question... } } > O Oracle of wisdom and terror, he who strikes fear into the hearts of } > men, tell me: } > } > I recently got done running lights for a production of "The } > Fantasticks" which is a musical drama. At one point there's a } > somewhat silly monologue about a forest in which reference is made to } > the place "where woodchucks woo". Do woodchucks really woo? } } Wood Chuck: WHAT?!?!? What kind of idiotic question is this? } Woodchucks don't woo. It's all instinctual. What is } this cr... } } Wall: *CRASH* } } Oracle: HA! At last I've found you, and am here to stop you evil } plans. } } Wood Chuck: Wait! How'd you find my secret hideout? } } Oracle: The same way I discovered your insidious plan. I noted that } there were way too many woodchuck questions, and so sent myself } the query "Why are there so many woodchuck questions?" As soon } as I replied, I knew the answer, and all that remained was to } ask myself where you were and how to defeat you. } } Wood Chuck: And how is that? } } Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo? } } Wood Chuck: No! Stop! Don't ask me that!!! } } Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo? } } Wood Chuck: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! } } Oracle: Do woodchucks really woo? } } Wood Chuck: Okay, okay, you've won today. But I warn you, I'll find } some way to destroy you. } } Oracle: Yes, but until them, I've decided how to punish you. [whistles] } } A huge crowd enters the room. } } Wood Chuck: Who are they? } } Oracle: The International Society of Woodchuck Theorists. They have } a few questions for you. } } Society Member #1: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a } woodchuck could chuck wood? } } Society Member #2: How much wood could a male woodchuck get up in } the presense of an attractive female woodchuck? } } Society Member #3: If a woodchuck chucks wood in the forest and nobody } is around, does it make any noise? } } Wood Chuck: No, you can't leave me here. } } Oracle: On the contrary, from now on I'll let you handle all my } inquiries of this nature. And remember, kids, only you } can prevent woodchuck questions.