From oracle-request Fri Nov 6 08:22:26 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA23203; Fri, 6 Nov 1992 08:22:26 -0500 Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 08:22:26 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #496 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 496 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #496 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 08:22:26 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 496 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 491 41 votes 34gd5 7cc82 2al80 7cb65 5ac86 8ca92 58d96 15cg7 152cl 667bb 491 3.1 mean 3.3 2.7 2.9 2.8 3.0 2.6 3.1 3.6 4.1 3.4 --- 496-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, > > Sir, I must protest. The amount of noise coming from your > abode is entirely unacceptable. I can understand a little get together > once and a while, but holding a "Come as your fetish" party is > inappropriate. I must say that the fellow dressed as "The Invertebrate > Kingdom." was in rather bad taste. > > I work very, very hard all day. My job requires care and > attention to detail. Please hold the noise to a minimum. > > Your downstairs neighbor, > Mr. Beelzebub And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, go to Hell. } } Or rather, stay there. } } You think the Oracle LIKES those mephitic stenches wafting up from your } abode, you old devil? Or the screams of tormented souls in agony at } all hours? Can't you give them time off for good behaviour or } something? } } Care & attention to detail, sulfur-breath? Most people damn themselves } out of their own stubborn pride and stupidity. Your work is a mere } formality, not like mine. } } Go prod yourself with a pitchfork. --- 496-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > wise and experienced, > please tell me, why didn't the Chicago Cubs make it to > the World Series again this year, though they managed to > have an average of over .500 for a few days. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant, } bewildered and bozotic, } Under the terms of the North American Free Trade Agreement, signed } this year by George "equally bewildered and bozotic" Bush, the } World Series championship is scheduled to go to Canadian teams for } the next eight years, in exchange for a 30% cut in Canadian tariffs } on medium- and heavy-gauge sheet steel. } } Next year, Guadalajara will be fielding the American League's } newest expansion team, and will take home the championship from } 2001 through 2004. Thereafter, though, your beloved Cubs will be } free to "really" compete, as ever. Yeah, right, like they had a } chance anyway. } } You owe the Oracle the complete "bobbing-head world leader doll" } collection. --- 496-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Nice bell bottoms. What's you sign? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yea, verily, Ah am glad you hayave asked of me this QUESTION, this } BURNING QUESTION that must be ayanswered by me, The ORACLE of GAWD, } for verily, you are SINFUL and INSIGNIFICANT and DAYSERVE TO DIE } SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY, but the LAWD has given Me a SIGN! } } YAYES! The LAWD has appeared to me in the FORM of a 30-FOOT TOFU } FRANK and the LAWD did spake unto Me, SAYING, "GO FORTH AND AYNSWER } SOME QUESTIONS FOR I HAVE CHOSEN THEE TO DO MY GOOD WORK ON THE EARTH } WHICH WILL REQUIRE A HUGE AMOUNT OF CASH AND OTHER LIQUID ASSETS." } And Ah am here before you now, humbly begging, nay, PLEADING with you } to HELP Me in the LAWD's work by sending me NOW your love donations of } CASH!! } } Y'all owe the Oracle a large check made out to "Rev. Oracle's } Bell-Bottom Bible College." --- 496-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and ecologically sound Oracle, > new horror news from all around the globe every day! Almost each day > a new species of animals is being threatened from extinction! > So tell me; when will Oracles be extinct? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you'd stop harassing me and let me spend some time alone with Lisa } for once, they WON'T be!! The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who is wise in the ways of snack food,,, > > When Dali said "God is Cheese...No, a mountain of Cheese." he noted > the connection between dairy products and religion. What about the > other food groups? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To: ORACLE } } Well, supplicant, (munch munch) let's see... } A lot depends on which religion you look at. For instance: } } Buddha is boneless spare ribs; a bit fatty and very tasty, but not very } filling. } } Hare Krishna is cherry tomatoes. You have to eat the whole thing at } once or not eat it at all. If you try to just take one bite, you'll } end up with slime all over your shirt. } } Allah is porridge. Quite well known, and sticks to your ribs, but gets } pretty boring after a while. } } Confucius is fortune cookies. You never know if the message is going } to make any sense at all. } } Jehovah is beef jerky. Kosher, of course. Tasty enough to still be } interesting, but pretty damn old. You have no idea how long it's been } around or if it's moldy yet. } } Christian Science is light beer. You drink it so you don't feel } guilty, but the only difference between it and regular stuff is in your } mind. } } Finally, Reverend Moon is good pastry. Very flaky. } } You owe the Oracle a membership in the Gourmet Groundhog of the Month } club. --- 496-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well-hung and real smart Oracle, > Does anybody want me as a Christmas present? > --Debbie And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well Debbie, let's see... } } Ah, Debbie, I'm sure this must be a mistake but I can't find you on } anyone's wish list... Hang on, I'll pull the records and see what's } going on here. } } Ok, here we go. Let's see... you did Dallas, Denver, both Dakotas... } This is most unusual, it says here you made LOTS of personal contacts } on these trips... } } Oh. Ok. Here we go. This explains it. } } Ah, Debbie, remember when you did Disney? Geez, look at these } pictures!! I didn't know mice could do that! Oh, sorry. Anyway, after } you left, Sneezy was feeling a bit down and went to see the Doctor. } Well, it turns out that his recurring cold was only a symptom of a much } worse problem. It looks like he got it from Snow White, that coma she } was in DID NOT originate from any apple (unless you count the one that } Eve munched on). } } Well, the bottom line is, Sneezy talked. } } Yeah, under advise of his physician, he notified all of his partners, } past and present, except you. He couldn't find you. Yeah, here it } is... you were off doing Denmark when he was trying. Well, since he } couldn't find you, and given your "social" skills, his physician } decided to notify the the planet. I don't understand why I didn't hear } about this. I must have been out for a few days. } } Wait a minute. What's the date on this? } } Oh shit. } } DAMN IT DEBBIE!!! This is dated before you did the the Derby!! _I_ } was the head jockey!! Oh man, what am I going to tell Lisa? I'm in } deep shit. I'll _never_ hear the end of this! Oh, the curse of } immorality, I mean immortality... } } You owe the Oracle a believable explanation, a grovel I can use with } Lisa and the profits made by Burroughs Wellcome for the next ten years. --- 496-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, whose face should appear on every bit of currency we have on > this planet, please answer this question: > > How come when I press my eyeball like this I start seeing all these > colors I've never seen before? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pressing on your eyeball like ... THIS ... compresses the } vitreous humour with the precise degree of force required to } stimulate the pineal gland into opening the third eye, } allowing you to perceive, briefly, many of the transocular } colors. Most of these have names you won't have heard, because } they're not even in the 64-crayon Crayola box. } } Before they fade, now, I'll jot down some of them for you... } } burnt umbrage } aquifer } marmorial ebony } ultrapiscine } hominoid pink } saprophagous } maudlin } lesser viridian } sea slug } sky puce } olive indigo } fluorescent gray } } You owe the Oracle a crayon sharpener that won't jam. --- 496-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, whose wisdom is more infinite than the cardinality of > real numbers, who can understand Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure > Reason (well, I guess no one can do that, but you can him if you > wish, and that's even better), who doesn't have to leap tall buildings > because you can do everything from your terminal, please, I ask only > that you frame your answer in terms that my puny brain can > understand... > > Doesn't the fact that many of my species of sewage slime refer to you > as 'he' when obviously if you have a gender your immense wisdom can > only qualify you as female bother you? Doesn't it make you want to > their pea-sized cubicles that ought to house something > resembling brains? In other words, oh great Oracle, why are men so > stupid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Supplicant, } You've seen through it all. There is no Lisa -- or rather, when } anyone shows up here looking for Lisa, the Oracle simply puts on some } especially sexy clothing and a stupid expression and shows up calling } Herself Lisa. Certainly the Oracle has the extreme pulchritude } necessary for the part. } The Oracle takes pity on men, because their minds are generally } directed into some narrow field of study or work, and apart from that } care only about sex and sports -- in general: there are some notable } and refreshing exceptions. Men are not stupid, just ignorant and } narrow, and it grieves the Oracle to see so many women trying to act } like men and restricting themselves to Careers and Getting to the Top } in Business ans Government, squeezing themselves into a restricted male } mindset and gray flannel business suits with dowdy long skirts. } Men really are different. Culture is part of it, but not all. } Take pity on the poor fools. It's just the way they're built, and they } really can't help it. } } You owe the Oracle another greybearded actor with reasonable sexual } competence to pretend to be the Oracle when visitors show up -- the } old one's going to die happy of sexual exhaustion next month, poor } fellow. --- 496-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one, viewer of all that is to be viewed, knower of all that > is to be known, doer of all that is to be done, please answer this > question which has been gnawing at my very existence: > > >>How many oracle disciples DOES it take to screw in a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Smart aleck. It only takes eight: one to screw in the bulb, and seven } to determine if screwing in a light bulb is funny enough to be posted } on the network. } } And, lest I be lax in swift judgment, } } ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOTT!!! } } You owe the Oracle a bucket of kiwi juice. --- 496-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT*URGENT > > Is there a muse for programming? > If so , what is her address or phone number ? > Does she have red hair and big (CENSORED) ? > > What must I do to get her attention? > > PLEASE HURRY And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Yes, Supplicant, there _is_ a Programming Muse." } } It turns out that long-neglected documents in Greek mythology do point } to the existence of Prokeduria, the muse of imperative programming } languages. (Nonimperative programming languages are heathen, laws unto } themselves, and thus godless, so if you need help on that one, you're } S.O.L., buddy) In fact, there is even a Prokeduriac Oath that was taken } by all programmers of the era, a practice which I believe should be } reinstated: } } "In the names of von Neumann, Wirth, Kernighan, and Ritchie, I hereby } swear to create a functional, kludge-free program. I pledge to write } readable code, utilize top-down design, and never write routines in } assembly unless I am being paid big bucks to do so. I shall never use } a linked list when an array will do; I shall always optimize my } routines whenever possible; and I will make sure that dumb-ass users } can never, ever crash my program. I shall only pirate other people's } code when everyone else is doing so, and I will make shameless use of } _Numerical Recipes_ whenever I have number crunching to do. And should } my C shell turn into VMS, or should I know not if I am working with a } pointer or the variable it's pointing to, may Prokeduria smile upon me, } guide me, and give me inspirations, so long as I credit her in the } source code." } } Since there are so many programmers nowadays, Prokeduria has given up } on helping most mortal programmers, simply because it would take up all } of her time and she'd be unable to continue writing the Olympian } OmniComplier (c). To get her attention, you must be in truly dire } straits (e.g. an accounting database for a Fortune 500 corp. due } tomorrow that you haven't started) or you must be undertaking some } truly Sisyphean task (e.g. translating a Monte Carlo simulation of } electron densities in a crystal from C++ to COBOL), so if you just have } a five-page program for sophomore year data structures, forget it. } } Why would you want the muse of programming to look like Peg Bundy? } } You owe the Oracle a Monte Carlo simulation of electron densities in a } crystal written in FORTAN, due tomorrow.