From oracle-request Fri Oct 16 09:32:46 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA14677; Fri, 16 Oct 1992 09:32:46 -0500 Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 09:32:46 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #491 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 491 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #491 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 09:32:46 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 491 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 486 51 votes 6ld74 43dhe 9ajc1 57eg9 7if92 6cib4 479fg 9do50 47gl3 69bg9 486 3.1 mean 2.6 3.7 2.7 3.3 2.6 2.9 3.6 2.5 3.2 3.3 --- 491-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would you compose an answer that combines a post-holocaust world with > martial arts and psionics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I wouldn't do that even if you kicked me in the head and teleported me } into a nuclear winter. --- 491-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What did I do to deserve this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bad karma, Mrs. Quayle. } } Don't worry, in your next life you will be a successful rock star. --- 491-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, whose coffee is always *much* better than > Folgers Crystals. Who is the dimwit that leaves 1/2 inch of coffee in > the coffeepot and then not only doesn't make a new pot, but won't even > turn off the fraggin burner. Feetal's Gizz, doesn't this fartsucker > realize that we end up with burned coffee on the bottom of the pot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What are you doing? Don't you realise that that half-inch of coffee is } a vital experiment for the future of mankind? } } I see you don't. Very well: } } Some time ago it was realised that certain microbes had vastly shorter } lifespans than humanity, and hence evolved much faster. Therefore it } was decided to breed certain strains of bacteria and observe them, in } order to see what they could come up with. The coffee pot at your } establishment is currently working on faster-than-light travel and had } already achieved .9 lights practically. It is left on the burner in } order to stimulate the bacteria to evolve faster. You have set back } human civilisation at least 100 years by destroying them. } } You owe the Oracle a Grand Unifying Theory and the remains of the } starship from the coffee pot (those stains at the bottom). --- 491-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo! Oracular Dude! How 'bout a spell to turn those ugly old > secretaries into hot babes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yo! Surfer dude! How 'bout a reason not to your puny little } existence into nothingness? How 'bout a grovel, some PC sensibilities, } and a real vocabulary? } } You owe the Oracle a calander that marks National Secretaries' Day with } a big red heart. --- 491-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > 490 > 2 2 3 3 3 2 5 3 5 3 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WHAT!, no grovelling, AND you gave my answers an average of 3.1 !!!! } } No way son, this is how it should look like: } } > 490 } > 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 (Questions) } > 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 (Answers) } } Now, you owe me to get ten of your questions into the next oracularity, } and score an average of 4.9. Or else... } } (Sends away answer and stalks away towards a box labeled } "Mega-ZOT-gun".) --- 491-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most noble Oracle, your most omniscientness... > > Please grant me the favour of your answer to this question: > > On this Columbus Day holiday, there is much controversy over who > discovered America. Oh all knowing Oracle, who really did discover > America? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [This message is converted from WPS-PLUS to ASCII] } } Oh earthly and humble Person, I, the Great Oracle, do see fit to answer } your question. } } Indeed you too show much wisdom, in questioning the theory of Columbus } discovering America. (When his ship reached America, he was not even on } board. He was dropped off on a small island en route, saying "I think } I'll stay here for a rest, if you don't mind.) } } The person who discovered America was a Mr. Jeffry Arthur Braithwaite, } from Guilford, Essex, Great Britain. His hobbies included coal-mining, } stamp-collecting, hitting himself on the head with a street-lamp and } scuba-diving. One night in 1066, Mr. Braithwaite had a rather } impressive dream. He dreamt that he was the reincarnation of Noah and } that he had been given a Great Task In Life. Mr. Braithwaite } immediately dashed off to Hastings Beach and built himself an ark. } Having done this, he managed to find two stray cats, a goat, three } frogs, forty-nine rats and two ants, one of whom unfortunately died } during the following voyage. } } He launched his ark, and a jolly nice holiday was had by all! Until, } that is, that Mr. Braithwaite and his animal-crew ran out of food. But } no problem was too great for Mr. Braithwaite! He reached into his } jeans-pocket and found -> his American-Express credit card! And the } Gods were very kind to Mr. Braithwaite, because, at that very moment, } his ark reached America. } } Mr. Braithwaite went on land, bought food and drink, a pair of really } cool sun-glasses and a couple of souvenirs (to prove that he'd } discovered America first). He got back onto the ark, set sail, and they } all lived happily ever after. } } The Oracle has spoken. --- 491-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh super-dooper Oracle, > > Could you answer this question in a really witty fashion, thereby > guaranteeing its placement in the Oracularities? > > Thanks, your supplicant: Dave Ljung And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I could. --- 491-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is life ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) a sexually-transmitted disease that is always fatal } 2) a stupid board game } 3) a cellular-automata game invented by J. H. Conway } 4) a cereal advertised by a child who later either grew up or exploded } 5) a schlocky magazine renowned for its supposedly-great photography } 6) a sentence rarely given to criminals these days } 7) worth living, but only worth liv-ing, if you're, Boooorn, } FREEEEEEEEEEEEE! --- 491-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The news cameras and reporters had already gathered at the scene. > "Vultures," Mulhooey thought as he pushed his way through the crowd. > The reporter from the City NewsCam crew stepped in his path and > asked the question he'd come to expect. "So, Lieutenant, will this > be ANOTHER unsolved one?" Mulhooey was considering whether it would > be worth ending his 15-year career for the pleasure of decking her > when a blue uniform appeared in his field of vision. "This way, > Lieutenant." Saved by the bell again. > > The upstairs apartment wasn't a pretty one, but then, he knew that > already. He knew it from the moment the phone rang. He wondered > again why that kind of call always seemed to come right when he and > Kay had found a few precious moments for intimacy. The scene in the > room brought him back to reality. He'd seen it all before: a > typical grad-student hole in the wall, some posters, a few sticks of > Salvation Army furniture, the blackened computer, pieces of a cheap > 2400-baud modem, and the charred, contorted form on the floor, > barely recognizable as having once been human. A rookie patrolman > stepped in, and quickly stepped back out again. Mulhooey counted to > five. A retching sound came from the hallway. "He'll learn," he > thought, "maybe." > > By the desk, the lab boys were still at work. "Anything?" "Looks > pretty much the same as the others, LT." Evans, the lab tech, > always called the officers by the initials of their rank. It > irritated Mulhooey, and Evans knew that, but Evans was good at what > he did. "How about that little idea of yours?" "Worked like a > charm, LT." Mulhooey gave a curt nod. He felt a grudging respect > for the man, but would rather die than show it. "So what can I tell > those buzzards outside?" Evans showed a nasty smile. "Let 'em > stew. Say we'll have more in an hour." "Will it really take you an > hour?" The smile got nastier. "Not even close. I just think we > should let them enjoy standing around in the rain for a while." > > Mulhooey was smiling, too, as he stepped outside into the glare of > the TV lights. "I have an announcement," he shouted above the > babble of questions. He gave them a minute to settle down, then > continued. "As you all know, there have been numerous unexplained > homicides involving computers, the so-called Usenet Zot Killings. > I'm sure you are all eager to find out how our investigation is > proceeding." He was enjoying himself thoroughly. "In cooperation > with the FBI, the Secret Service, the Indiana State Police, and the > phone companies, this department has set up a monitoring system. > The system activates only when an abnormally high voltage is > detected, so the ACLU can rest easy. The route is then traced back > to its origin, something happening even as I speak. In about an > hour...." > > He broke off as Evans unexpectedly appeared next to him. His usual > cockiness had evaporated; he looked scared. So scared, in fact, > that he forgot to be irritating. "Lieutenant, I'm done with the > trace. It's ... it's ... " And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mulhooey grabbed the scrap of yellow memo paper that Evans was holding } out to him. There was nothing on it but the number "42" written with } a soft pencil, several thick strokes to each line. } } "I don't get it. What the hell is that supposed to mean?" } } "It's the telephone number," stammered Evans. "We triple-checked the } results and ran it through the line deoscillator a dozen times. The } originating call is coming from 42. That's our Zotter." } } "42? Just 4-2?" Evans nodded. } } "What kind of bullshit number is that supposed to be? Hell, } that isn't even an area code. Joseph and Mary and the papoose, man, } have you lost it entirely? Look here..." } } Mulhooey pulled the handset of a cellular phone out of his squad car } and angrily stabbed at the "4" and then the "2." Scowling, he held the } phone up as if to flaunt the silence, but suddenly he froze as he heard } the click of a connection. He slapped the receiver to his ear, cutting } its sound off from the onlookers. } } What was this nonsense he was hearing? Answers to all your questions? } "Look, Mac," Mulhooey barked, "I don't give a pig's left ball if you } can tell me how much woo--" } } "NO, Lieutenant!" Evans screamed as his boss began to mouth the rounded } vowel. Then everything happened at once: the TV cameras shorted, } the NewsCam reporter shrieked, and the pungent odor of burnt gumshoe } filled the air. } } If Mulhooey could have counted to five, he would have smiled just then. --- 491-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most bestest Oracle, I'm perplexed on this one... > > How can you be so great and awesome, while you're father, Steve > Kinzler, is such a nerd? I faithfully answered all those questions you > assigned me, and not even ONE of them got published in this morning's > Oracularities. Why? WHY? > > Oh, that's two questions... More grovel... Um, oh most greatest > Oracle... > > Thanks, Oracle buddy... nice to see there still are SOME good higher > powers in this universe... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Oh damn, not another whining sycophantic slug petitioning for } attention." } } "What is it Steve?" } } "Oh nothing, Laura, just another piece for the bit bucket from the } Usenet Oracle server." } } "Another one of THOSE? I hate the little scum. First they write me } off as a slut, then they get my name wrong, and now your little alter } ego is building a reputation that would make a McCarthyist-era } American father proud. It's repulsive. Here, have some yoghurt." } } "Thanks." (uses wooden spoon) "Look at this, though. Obviouosly a } priest who got his submissions flushed out by the humour parser. } Probably has some kind of neurotic complex by now. It's been days } since I got this post. What I can't figure out yet is how I'm going } to foist off another quaint oracular answer on this guy without } pissing him off..." } } "So piss him off, already." (munch-munch) "I mean, there are, what, } sixty, seventy-odd dozen people who are otherwise content and willing } to coddle your ego through subservient priesthood, right?" } } "Yeah, what's yer point, Laur?" } } "Well, teach the little bastard a lesson!" } } "Ah! The old `, you little pipsqueak, you're pencil shavings` } approach!" } } "No, you dear sweet balding fool. Write him a pink slip! Fire him. } Hand him his ego on a platter and tell him he's really screwed the } pooch this time." } } "Pass me some of that bean curd." (munch) "Y'know, this could work. } Inside of a week he'll be begging for another chance. Inside of a } month we might have some major butt-kissing involved here. I kinda } like the idea. I mean, gimme a break. Look at this: "Uh.. More } grovel...' I'm used to grandeur and eloquence, not this commonplace } kind of 'Oh Hi Orrie, howya doin'?' nonsense. I tell you, it's most } egregiously unfair! } } "Egrigiously? Honestly, Stevie, you're starting to sound like an } English major. You should stop listening to PBS." } } "Sorry. I needed to take a break. 27 hours in a row in front of a CRT } trying to piece together a Prolog routine for a subway version of the } travelling salesman problem does that to me." } } "And that naughty priest said you were a nerd. Shame on him!" (giggle) } } "Hey! This is valuable research!" } } "Sure, like last week with you in front of that old Apple II } Wolfenstein game, trying to sub in pictures of Smurfettes for the } guards?" } } "Hey, its been done, sure, but not in VR! Didn't you see the optical, } three-dee hookup I had set up?" } } "Pull the other one, genius. I know a video game binge when I see it. } Anyway, why don't you put it away and try giving a shot at living up } to our Net images?" (low and sultry) } } "Give it up, Laura. Maybe when we both lose twenty pounds. I hate it } when you get that way." } } "Oh, you prick. Here. Here's a nickel. Go buy some self-esteem. I'm } going for a walk." } } "No wait... Laura!..." } } ..."Nuts. Oh well, there'll always be Usenet..." } } } } Dear Supplicant... } } -- } [ This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real persons, living or } deceased, is entirely coincidental. Etc, etc. ;-) -ed ]