From oracle-request Wed Oct 7 17:00:29 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA29499; Wed, 7 Oct 1992 17:00:29 -0500 Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 17:00:29 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #487 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 487 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #487 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 17:00:29 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 487 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 482 29 votes 4bb21 6c731 6c740 156e3 55b44 33e54 08i21 3249b 174f2 66962 482 2.9 mean 2.5 2.3 2.3 3.4 2.9 3.1 2.9 3.8 3.3 2.7 --- 487-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracl, Most Wis this mortal bing dspratly nds your hlp! > Somon has stoln a ky from my kyboard, and my thsis is du tomorrow! > Whr can it b? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. Vice President, the President's advisors took your 'e' key and } put it somewhere safe, so you won't put it at the end of any more } potatoes. Don't worry about your thesis; the President's advisors } have written it for you. } } You owe the Oracle a debate with Al Gor. Er, Gore. --- 487-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Glowing and odorous Oracle of the Net, > Why do I have an insane desire to impersonate Sally Struthers? > I've run up huge credit card bills to the "Sally Struthers > Impersonators Supply Company" of French Lick, Indiana, and gotten all > but their most expensive disguises and clothes, but I'm still > unsatisfied. Help! > > --Sally^H^H^H^H^HJanice And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Janice, } } I pity you, my dear, and I empathize. In fact, your problem is } more common than you might think. In poverty-stricken nations around } the world, children who have never known a day of joy live in continual } squalor and despair, desparate for a morsel of food. You can help! } For the price of a cup of coffee, you can give a child living in a } place like this food, shelter, medicine, an education, a car and an } in-ground swimming pool, and the greatest gift of all.. hope. You } see.. auuugh! What the hell am I doing! Noooo! Where did this dress } come from.. I thought I'd burned it all!.. IT'S STARTING AGAIN! } } You owe the Oracle a big blonde wig and a correspondence school degree } in computer technology. --- 487-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Howdy oracle, old buddy! Say, is there a way to increase the value of > h (you know 6.62E-34 Js) localy. This would give a real bizarrrrr > effect. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, *that* h. Planck's constant. As in e = h * nu. So then a quantum } of a given wavelength would have more energy. } } Have you considered the consequences? Suppose that you could raise h } in a locality. Then either you'd have to supply everything with enough } extra energy to keep wavelengths constant, or else the wavelength of } everything would drop. Big time trouble there. } } Fortunately the answer is "no." Planck's constant was set by God. I } asked Him the other century why he chose such a cockamamie number, and } He said, "Look, kid, I chose a nice round number for Planck's constant. } It's those f**king French atheists who invented the metric system, and } those Babylonian heathens who invented the second who made it such a } cockamamie number. They're all roasting in Hell for it. Not my } Me-damned fault." --- 487-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Pitr Dubovich The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty and wonderous Oracle, whose private parts are the eighth and > ninth wonders of the world > > Do you and Lisa have any children? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Asking personal questions now, that takes guts, something you } wouldn'texpect from a humble little supplicant. I like guts in my } supplicants. Therefore, I will tell you a little known fact. } Lisa and I did indeed have a child. We figured that with my } perfect genes and her perfect genes, we would have a perfect child. } Well, as you might guess, this was not the case. It seems that, } since Lisa and I are so perfect, that a common ancestor is not very } many generations removed. You see, our perfect genes, which are } much too perfect to ever be called recessive, mixed in a less than } ideal way, and the offspring, instead of being the smartest } being alive, became damn neat the dumbest offspring ever created. } So, as a way to reconcile this problem, we decided to send this } offspring to your world, so that its antics could amuse us. } You know this stupidest of stupid offspring as Dan Quayle. } Amazing, how far something like that got in you world. } You owe the Oracle a condom big enough to fit on his ninth } wonder of of the world. --- 487-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O meine great und manlich Oracle. Vood you be zo nize und tell me vy > is dis Arnold Schvartenegger zo big mit die voman und die moofie volks > venn he no kann sprechen die Anglish nicht zo gut? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Miene little groveler, zhu are zuffering from ze dimentia ve call } Arnold Envy, but I vill answer zhur question. } } 1. Ze money is ze universal translator. It amplifies ze voice und } it makes it clear und melodious. Zho, vhen zhu open zhur mouth, ze } people hear static; vhen Arnold speaks, ze people hear Flight of ze } Valkyries. } } 2. Vhen ze lady tells you zat it matters little to her vhether or not } she is looking at a man vith ze goot build und appealing proportions } in all parts of his body, or looking at ze man zho veak he has trouble } lifting ze cup of coffee in ze morning, DO NOT BELIEVE HER! She is } telling zhu ze white lie because ze man is tough outside but has ze } veak ego. } } 3. Und finally, ze small group of his closest groopies all think he } is zpeaking French. Man cheri, vu le vu couche! } } Zho, ze moral is, do not worry about his goot s*x, think about zhurs. } } Dr. Ruth Oracleheimer --- 487-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it's being used as the object, that is to say, the receiver of } the action. Thus "I" would be inappropriate; listen, "She's trying to } kill I" just doesn't sound right. You know what might help? Doing } some sentence diagrams. Did you do those in middle school? They're an } invaluable tool for understanding linguistics -- they're sort of like } Feynman Diagrams for English majors. } } You owe the Oracle a dangling participle. --- 487-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What, precisely, *are* family values? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before we define family values, we have to first define a family. } According to the dictionary (which is occasionally useful in } clarifying simple definitions), a family is "A unit of the Mafia, } operating in a specific geographical area." } } Now, let's see what "mafia" is. In the dictionary (I hope you } check these references), mafia is: "The spirit of popular hostility } to the law, manifesting itself frequently in criminal acts." These } criminal acts include, but are not limited to, gambling, prostitution, } extortion, selling narcotics, and loan sharking. } } With that in mind, let us now define values. Values are "The } established ideals of life, objects, customs, etc., that the } members of a _given_society_ regard as desireable." In this case, } we could draw the conclusion that a mafia family is a _given_society_. } } Now, we are able to define family values. Family values are the } established ideals that the members of a family (mafia) regard as } desireable. Thus, from the definition of "mafia", family values } are "hostility to the law, manifesting itself in criminal acts, } such as gambling, extortion, selling narcotics, and loan sharking." } } This definition of family values seems most appropriate in light } of current U.S. political discussions. } } You owe the Oracle a horse's head. --- 487-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is somebody secretly replacing the coffee at my place of work with > Folger's Coffee Crystals? It's gotten all dry and powdery and > crystalline and I have to add hot water to it before I can drink any. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } GROVEL, BLAST YOU, GROVEL!!! DOESN'T ANYBODY GROVEL ANYMORE?!??!? } } Uh, sorry; I didn't get my coffee this morning, so I'm a little cranky. } } Now, as to your question: you've left out a very important detail. Is } your dry, powdery, crystalline coffee only available in little packets } marked "Folger's"? If so, yes. Your coffee has been replaced with } Folger's Coffee Crystals. You should now smile ingratiatingly at all } the furniture and talk loudly about how good your coffee is. Hopefully, } someone will come talk to you about a release form and hand you a check } for fifty bucks or so. } } If, on the other hand, your dry, powdery, crystalline coffee is only } available in the coffee pot, you have a much more serious problem. } Someone is leaching the hot water from your coffee. Call 911. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of Earl Grey, hot. --- 487-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Chap, please help a confused soul. Ya see, I'm a mite annoyed > with a bloke I work with, and I'm wondering if you think he'll be put > out if I urinate on his desk. Much obliged. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } While I perfectly understand your need for revenge against your } officemate, urinating on his desk will not have the desired effect. } What will happen is that he will come back from lunch, see that someone } has fouled his working area, and then IGNORE it. Yes, you see he is so } incapable of understanding that someone could possibly be "a mite } annoyed" with him, that he will assume that nobody could be out for } revenge, and therefore, nothing has happened to him. All part of his } British heritige. But never fret, for the Oracle is here to help. } } Normally one would consult "The Official Handbook of Practical Jokes*" } but I think that this particular case requires something a touch more } inspired. } } Start off by asking the cute secretary (the one by your bosses office) } if she would do you a favour. What you do is get her to ask him to } take her to dinner (preferrably at the Ritz). He will accept, because } he is desperate to gain female attention, what with living with his } mother all those years. Now you make sure that as soon as he get's } home to his flat, something happens to his lorrie. I would recommend } siphoning all the petrol out of the engine. Perhaps you could also } deflate all of his tyres. When he get's to work the next day, waiting } for him will be a rather upset rugby player from Brighton, who will } pulverize your officemate for standing up his sister. He won't feel } the true sense of humiliation until his mother phones him up, after } seeing the entire affair on BBC-1. } } You owe the Oracle a five quid note and the entire Coronation Street } broadcasts in PAL mode. } } *I must highly endorse this book, both as a source of humour and } knowledge. And no, I am not the author. --- 487-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@Plasma.ps.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, who knows even more > than Dr. Science, (who has a _Master's_ degree), > > Is it really true that there are millions of tiny > microbes _in_my_mouth_ ?!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed, gentle User, it is true. (Um, excuse me. Would you } mind facing the other way? Thank you _so_ much.) } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Cool Mint Listerine and a kiss.