From oracle-request Thu Oct 1 16:33:42 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21577; Thu, 1 Oct 1992 16:33:42 -0500 Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 16:33:42 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #485 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 485 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #485 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 16:33:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 485 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 480 32 votes 58c61 2b5b3 dc610 7ba40 24be1 5d950 1cd33 b7932 27a58 2db42 480 2.7 mean 2.7 3.1 1.8 2.3 3.2 2.4 2.8 2.3 3.3 2.7 --- 485-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whom I would call The Most Omnipotent if indeed it made sense > to use the modifier "most" with "Omnipotent", > > Why is the duck-billed platypus? Was it a rush job, or was God > just drunk? > Signed, Incredulous And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please, feel free to say "most omnipotent". Never let grammar or } logic stand in the way of a good grovel. } } Strangely enough, God does not drink. One would think this cosmos } would drive any deity to drink (as it certainly has done to this } one), but God limits Himself to the occasional glass of sherry, } which might make Him tipsy enough to create the value-added tax, } but could hardly be blamed for the platypus. } } No, the answer is far more crass: God created the platypus to } drum up business. You are clearly not a devotee of one of the } older organized religions. If you were, you would know that } priests, sages, lamas, and so on have been dropping hints that } they would explain the platypus for the past ten thousand years. } Every day, countless millions of breathless worshippers say to } each other, "Is *this* the day he'll explain the platypus?" Well, } he won't. Sorry. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of scotch. --- 485-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXE.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > -- And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Somewhere in the North Atlantic. Aboard the USS Dallas } ------------------------------------------------------- } } "Skipper, I've got something on passive!" } "What is it Jonesey?" the skipper scowled. He was a good man, and he } regarded this particular stretch of ocean as his own. If there was a } ship out there, his job was to destroy it. Or die trying. } "I'm not sure. It was a real strange noise. I don't think I've } heard anything like it. Not since Cal Tech at least. It was almost } like someone," Jonesey paused, "well, like someone picked up the line on } an active modem, sir." Jones had a thought what the strange noise might } really be, but he knew that nobody would ever believe him. At least } not without proof. } "Well, keep an ear out for it. Let me know the instant it returns." } } Langley Virginia, Central Intelligence Headquarters } --------------------------------------------------- } } "I know it's quitting time Jack, but I've got something I want you to } see." } Jack Ryan sighed. He desperately wanted to get home and see Cathy, } his wife, but he also knew that if Admiral Greer wanted to keep him } after work, that something pretty important was in the works. } "I'll be right there Admiral." Jack hung up the phone, and grabbed } his briefcase. In ten minutes, he was in his boss' office. } } "All right Jack, listen to this, and tell me what you think." The } Admiral played a fragment of tape. All that Jack could hear were two } drawn out pulses of noise. } "Where did this come from?" } "Come on, Jack, you know better than to ask me that." } Jack frowned. That meant that this was important, and that the Admiral } was probably risking his commission just by playing the tape for him. } "It wouldn't by any chance be from the North Atlantic, would it?" } "What makes you think that?" } "Just that we know that the Russians have been trying to establish a } secret Internet feed somewhere near Greenland, and that sequence you } just played for me happens to be the tonal equivalent of the null } message generated by a buggy newsreader, using the new news protocol } for signature files. But if that's true, then it means they are still } using acoustic lines, and not fiber optics. Why?" } "That's what we want you to find out." } "When do I leave?" } "Right now." } } Moscow, K.G.B. Headquarters } --------------------------- } } "Dostoy, you are a fool." The Major was angry, and the pathetic worm } before him had made yet another blunder. Major Korsikov would have } loved to have had Dostoy sent to a camp somewhere, but unfortunately } the fool's brother served on the Politburo, and as such, he was } untouchable. } "Please Vladimir, you know that it wasn not my fault. And besides, } no damage was done." } "No damage indeed. You very nearly single handedly destroyed months } of work. If we do not establish this Internet feed, we will be unable } to corrupt the west through Usenet news, and destroy the west's } industrial backbone. You are quite fortunate that nobody discovered } your little blunder." } } Somewhere in the North Atlantic. Aboard the USS Dallas } ------------------------------------------------------- } } "Skipper, you're gonna hate this." } "What is it?" } "You remember that ex-Marine who decided he wanted to get on board } when we were out to sea a few months back?" } "Ryan, the one that almost got himself and a couple of my men } killed?" } "Yeah him. Well, he's back." } "Shit." } } Aboard the Navy helicoptor, Spirit of Duluth, Jack Ryan was } remembering everything he hated about flying. At least there were no } storms this time. This time, the transfer to the Dallas was much } smoother. Soon, he was talking to the submarine's CO. } } "So what you're telling me is that the Ruskies are building a secret } Internet feed, right in our own backyard?" } "That's what it's starting to look like, yes. And somehow, you } managed to stumble right on it. Where did you discover the noise?" } The captain was dubious, at best. But still, Ryan had been right } before, about the defecting Russian submarine. For the time being at } least, he probably deserved the benifit out the doubt. He pointed to } the map. } "Right here." } "Take me there." } } Three Days Later, aboard the Dallas } ----------------------------------- } } "Well I'll be damned, there it is." The Dallas had surfaced, and } there floating on the water was an old PC with a phone and acoustic } modem attached. "Break out a raft." } Ryan, the captain, and Jones rowed out to the floating computer. } Suddenly Jonesey grinned like a cheshire cat. "That was what was so } familiar!" he exclaimed. } "What it is?" } "The tones, it wasn't ASCII sir?" } "So, we know that, I don't understand?" Ryan was a little confused. } "No, that's just the point, it wasn't binary either. The reason the } Russians weren't able to compromise our system is that they were using } EBDIC." Jones smiled again, "I remember back at Cal Tech one time we } tried to get the scheduling computer to output everthing in Latin. } Well we couldn't do it until we..." } Fortunately for the bored occupants of the raft, they had reached the } makeshift workstation. Ryan picked up the phone and was greeted by } horrendous static. } "Nasty," Jonesey muttered, "1200 baud." } Reaching around the back of the machine, Jack Ryan found the power } switch and turned it off. Finally, he thought, I can rest. } } Home of Dr and Dr Jack Ryan, Alexandria, Virginia } ------------------------------------------------- } } Jack slipped into bed next to his wife. } "Mmm, back so soon," she muttered. } "This time for good," he replied, slipping his hand down her } nightgown. Then the phone rang. } "Awww fuck," whined Cathy as her husband answered. --- 485-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh grand and mighty Oracle, for whom there is no substitute, please > tell me: > > If Usenet were a vegetable, what would it be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dan Quayle. } } You owe the Oracle a viable third force in politics. --- 485-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle! > > Hear this insignificant one! Hear this unworthy one! Cast the eyes of > wisdom down from the great height of Olympus and see this miniscule > one! Impart the vast knowledge onto this one who knows not! Answer > this one's question! One beseeches thee! > > The Queen is indolent. The Queen is perverted. She spends the long > hours of the day with the worthless drones and does perform not her > assigned duties. She does not lay eggs! Without more sisters, one's > hive will surely perish! So, Great Oracle, tell this insignificant > worker how one may rebel against her Queen. > > Humbly yours, a Worker Bee. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You definitely have a problem. } } There seem to bee only a few ways to rebel against one's Queen. } } You could convince as many of your sisters as you can to sting humans. } The humans will then destroy the hive, thus completing the revolt } against the Queen. This does have the unfortunate side affect of } making you homeless. } } You could just go buy some insecticide. Of course, this has the same } unfortunate side affect. You may also have to become a "Bee of the } Night" to make the money. } } The final option is well documented in the Chivalric Code of Bee } Royalty. You can challenge your Queen to single combat, hand to hand, } wing to wing, stinger to stinger. If you win, it's up to you to run } the hive the way you see fit. } } You owe the Oracle some honey to spread on Lisa. --- 485-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mister Oracle, > > I just wanted you to know that as the current holder of the rights to > the query "How much wood could a woodchuck ckuck, if a woodchuck could > chuck wood," I felt that it was my duty to point out the fact that my > question has been used quite frequently by your clients, without paying > me one cent of the royalties that I am owed. > > Also, pending the outcome of the IBM/Apple lawsuit, the rights to the > woodchuck question still cover the rights to similar questions under > the "look and feel" rules (eg. "How much work could a network work," > etc.) > > I wish to also make it clear that I do not blame you in this matter, > however I politely ask that you inform all future supplicants that this > question is clearly NOT in the public domain. Question piracy is a > serious matter these days, and given the amount of time it takes to > both create and beta test a question, you can imagine the agony of > seeing your own question being illegally pirated in an Oracularity. So > common is this practice, that occasionally I will discover a pirated > version in circulaion, before the original question has even been > released. It is no wonder that many of the most creative questioners > alive today have become frustrated, and no longer write queries, except > as a hobby. To counter this latter practise, I have begun imbedding > serial numbers within questions to help track the source of would be > pirates. But these precautions take time which would be better spent > in other avenues, and are often not foolproof. N00142a. > > As one of the dying breed of third party question writers still working > today, I feel these issues must be addressed before we are forced out > of business entirely, and all that remains are the giant "question > houses" who exist merely to churn out new releases of the same old > tired questions. > > Thank you for your time, > Steven Pinkerton, > Querilous Inquiry Company, "We put the quest in question" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!! } } I'd be happier than you if we could get rid of these stupid woodchuck } (and woodchuck-esque) questions. If it were up to me, I'd every } single one that comes my way, but Kinzler says we have } question-answering standards to uphold. Now, thanks to you, there is } legal grounds for barring them altogether. } } I'll make sure this message gets posted in the Oracularities so that } everyone can see it. After that, if anyone does try to use your } question, I hope you sue them for everything they have (after I've } gotten my Oracular Fee, of course). } } You owe the Oracle nothing. As a matter of fact, the Oracle owes you } a fruit basket as thanks. --- 485-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've had enough of your abuse! I'm going back to ELIZA! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DO YOU FEEL GOING BACK TO ELIZA IS RIGHT? --- 485-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Omnipotence, Creator of the universal chaos, please answer the > question of this unworthy carbon-based lifeform: > > A question I've been asking myself for several years now: > > Why the hell should I ask you a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is glad you have finally decided to ask a question. } Realizing that you need to ask a question is the first step toward } receiving an answer. You need to ask a question because only by } asking questions can you reap the unfailing benefits of the Oracle } 12-Step Recovery Program. Please do come to our next OQA (Oracle } Querents Anonymous) meeting in Bloomington next Saturday night, and in } the meantime please study the 12 Steps of our program. } } THE ORACLE 12-STEP RECOVERY PROGRAM } } 1. I acknowledge that I am an unworthy carbon-based lifeform and that } my sole reason for existence is to pose questions to the Oracle. } } 2. I realize that there is no question that I can ask the Oracle that } the Oracle cannot answer. } } 3. I realize that there is no question that I can ask the Oracle that } the Oracle has not heard an infinite number of times before. } } 4. This question is the first question of the rest of my life. } } 5. If I can't think of a question, that's okay too. I will ask the } Oracle why I can't think of a question. } } 6. I will never, never ask the woodchuck question. Whenever I feel the } urge to ask the woodchuck question I will telephone the next name on } the OQA telephone tree and ask for help. } } 7. I rely for all my knowledge and inspiration on a higher power. } Coffee. } } 8. Black coffee. } } 9. Every day in every way I am getting better. } } 10. I'm a querent and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I ask all day. } } 11. If the Oracle zots me, that's okay too. I haven't failed, I'm } just learning in a different way. } } 12. Oracle, could you remind me what step #12 was? } } == } You owe the Oracle $99.99 for his 3-videocassette home study self-help } course. --- 485-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one whose greatness would overflow this humble > one's ability to type, please tell me: > > Why do you hate woodchucks so much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle does not *hate* woodchucks, per se. We - that's the Royal } We (tm) - simply have taken up the conservative religious right's } slogan: Hate The Sin, Love The Sinner. We LOVE woodchucks (the cute, } fuzzy little burrowing marmots make great casseroles, er, pets) but we } HATE chucking. You see, "chucking" has long been considered a sin as } can be seen in the following passage taken from a Oracular Prophet's } incription on a restroom wall in an Uzbekistan brothel: } } |And Gzettuulmh did hide himself in darkness } |And Gzettuulmh's wife, Humhl begain the wailing } |And Gzettuulmh did contrive to begin the commencement } |And he chucketh, wantonly, with wood taken for the sacrement } | } |Yea, and verily the supplicants did rend their garments } |Yea, and the supplicants did rend each other's garments } |Yea, and one hell of a party did ensue } |And The Oracle was one pissed entity for not being invited } |And spake thusly: "Henceforth, nary one in my grace } |Shall never not be unseen having not chucked things wooden" } | } |And the supplicants were confused. } |And the Oracularity Priests were formed from } |The Waters, The Earth, and The Free Agent Draft } |And they spread The Word in their written Oracularities } |Of the evils of chucking. } } (...followed by 20 stanzas discussing the similar sins of men walking } down roads until they can become men, and asking questions regarding } the meaning of life and how freshmen geeks can get laid...) } } So, you see, gentle supplicant, that We would not want to others } for chucking, but, gosh, We seem to have created woodchucks without the } ability to read, and supplicants without the ability to comprehend } simple instructions. Ingnorance is no excuse for not reading the } Oracularities and breaking the divine commandments. We take pity on } the sinner by exterminating the sin. It just so happens that the cure } tends to be a little bit fatal, but rest assured, the SOUL is SAVED. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything. In fact, I'd just like to give you } a little gift, a symbol of my appreciation for asking such a thoughful } question. Simply copy the data between the "begin" and "end" } (inclusive) and run it through uudecode {if you aren't on UNIX, then } you are DAMMED anyway} and read the new file called "gift". Enjoy. } } begin 666 gift } M6EI:6EH@(" @($]/3R @(" @5%145%0@(" @("$*(" @6B @(" @3R @($\@ } M(" @("!4(" @(" @("$*("!:(" @(" @3R @($\@(" @("!4(" @(" @("$* } M(%H@(" @(" @3R @($\@(" @("!4"EI:6EI:(" @("!/3T\@(" @(" @5" @ } '(" @(" A"B @ } } end } [Be sure there's a single blank space on the line before the "end" -ed] --- 485-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wonderful of all oracles...you who span the universal dimentions > of the universe, please answer me this question... > > What is the average mood swing of a woman??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Hey, Orrie! Your Most Holy Fucking Mailer just dinged agai..." } "What?" } "No, wait, never mind. It was the clock chime. Go back to sleep." } "Ahh..." } } Okay, you twit. } His High Eminence is out of the picture now, so I can let you know } something without his hearing about it. And... there; I've just } deleted your mail from the traffic records, so he'll never miss you. } } First of all, you misspelled "dimensions". That really gets me mad. } My usual punishment for that sort of thing is crotch lice, and you } can ask Dan Quayle about how good that feels. } } Second of all, you end a sentence with an ellipsis. The punishment } you'll get for that is equally uncomfortable, and non-fatal, so that } you can live for a very long time with it: painful rectal itch. } You can ask George Bush where he gets the gallon-sized drums of } Preparation H. } } And as for your question, you should realize that women do NOT have } mood swings. We are always angry and irritable and upset about the } mind-boggling stupidities you men think and perform. Living with } men is like living with living with somebody who can only tell bad, } unfunny jokes and who always has to prod you in the ribs after the } punchline, only when we live with men the case is not hypothetical. } The joke-telling part, I mean. For the vast majority of the time, } we keep our feelings hidden and nod politely and try not to wince } too much, but we have to cut loose once in a while otherwise we'd } just explode. } } If it weren't for the fact that men have their good points too, } the women would've killed off all except some breeding stock } millenia ago. So learn to deal with our seemingly irrational } anger. And learn some better jokes. } } You owe Orrie a shave; he's a wonderful kisser but he scratches } my face. } } "Zzznort* huh...?" } "Go back to sleep dear, you're having a bad dream." } "Lisaaahhzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz" } "There's a good demigod." --- 485-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient Oracle, who knows all, sees all, does all, > > What do I have in my pocket? > > Yours truly, > Bill And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Office of Correctional Wizardry } Suite 42, Tower #2 } Mordor, Middle Earth } } Dear Mr. BoBaggins, } You are heretofore summoned to a meeting before a tribunal of } wizards, sages, and other Powerful, Yet Only Mildly Malevolent Beings } to discuss the case of a complaint by a Mr. Gollum concerning your } basically unruly behavior towoards his person, as well as his } accusations of theft of his property, namely one (1) ring of } invisibility. Also, since there is evidence that you have secreted } this ring across the boundaries between nations, we are forced to bring } up charges of smuggling against you. } Speaking on your behalf will be one Gandalf, Legal Wizard. The } prosecuting attorney will, of course, be Sauron the Nastily Evil. } Since you have not yet reached one hundred years of age, you may } request that you not be tried as an adult. } Failure to respond to this notice within a fortnight may incur an } additional penalty of a *ZOT*, provided by our friend the Usenet } Oracle, visiting from the future as Guest Punisher for this century. } } (illegible) } enclosures