From oracle-request Tue Sep 29 15:46:42 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA11245; Tue, 29 Sep 1992 15:46:42 -0500 Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 15:46:42 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #484 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 484 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #484 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1992 15:46:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 484 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 479 37 votes 449g4 47c86 7aa55 3be63 85ab3 5be61 45g93 7638d 6cb71 16cc6 479 3.0 mean 3.3 3.1 2.8 2.9 2.9 2.6 3.1 3.4 2.6 3.4 --- 484-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omnipotent one, whose snot is like nectar, whose farts are like > april blossoms, whose burps are like the sweetest melodies please tell > me this one thing. > Will I ever get laid?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O supplicant, unfortunately 'laid' is already a combination of } characters that forms a word widely used in the English language. As a } matter of fact, it is so widely used that it is considered public } domain. Therefore you cannot have it. } } You owe the Oracle a copyright of the digit 0. --- 484-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark J McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What do you mean by mean? } } Mean has many meanings, for example } } "mean temperature" -- hot enough to make an egg cry on the sidewalk } } "lean and mean" -- anorexic and mediocre } } "the golden mean" -- Republicans (rich and cruel). } } This is no mean question that you asked, and by no means do I mean } to be mean when I ask what you mean by "mean". --- 484-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am a 21-yr old bisexual male college student. Any relationship in > the near future for me????? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You may think of yourself as just a 21-year old bisexual, but as } you will find out this weekend, you are really a 21-year old latent } bisexual-bestial-pyro-necrophiliac, which, as you will see, means } that you like having sex with burning dead animal bodies of either } sex. Yechh. --- 484-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most reverent oracle, whose nose pickings will hang under the cosmic > desk of knowledge for eternity, please answer this question: > > Why can't I think of a worthy question to ask you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop! He who would cross the river of death must answer me these } questions three, ere the other side he see: What is thy name? } } "I am but the Humble Supplicant." } } What is thy quest? } } "I seek to ask the Oracle a worthy question." } } What is thy question? } } "Uh... I don't know." } } Oh great and powerful Oracle, who can move up the corporate > ladder with the greatest of ease, can you tell me what's the > best way for an aspiring yuppie like myself to remove many > of my annoying, competitive coworkers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WELCOME TO AMAZING DISCOVERIES, THE HALF-HOUR LONG COMMERCIAL THAT } HAS SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE!!!! } } [perfectly spontaneous applause] } } Today, our special guest is doctor Gupta Abu-dhabi, world renound } dermatologist, and he's going to tell us how to remove annoying, } competitive coworkers! } } [unsolicited cheers] } } Welcome Doctor Abu-dhabi. } } [more cheers] } } -Thankyouverymuch. } } Well, doctor, what do you have for us today? } } -Well, I have developed a topical cream which can be used to } remove annoying, competitive coworkers. } } [Ahhhh!!!] } } Gee, doctor, we all know how annoying they can be, don't we folks? } } [yeah!!!] } } -Yes, particularly for yuppies, no? } } [clapping] } } Doctor, I believe you have a demo for us. Is that right? } } -Yes. Please bring out the annoying, competitive coworker. } } [a screaming bound man is brought out] } } Well, folks, isn't this just awful? } } [Boos] } } Now many of you may have run into these, and as you know, they are } pretty hard to get rid of. Doctor, what do most people do with them? } } -Well, many people try burning them, but as you will see, this } does not always work. } } [The doctor picks up a can of WD-40 and a lighter, lights the lighter, } holds it in front of the can, points it at the coworker and sprays } away. The coworker screams, and drops to the floor, and starts rolling } around in agony] } } -You see, when they roll around from the pain, they have a } tendency to put out the fire. } } [Ahhs, and Boos] } } Boy, isn't that just the worst. You know, once I tried spraying one } with insecticide, and that didn't work either. } } -Oh, no, one should never do that. Let me show you what usually } happens. } } [Grabs a can of raid, sprays it in the face of the coworker. The } coworker begins to vomit fiercely, but the doctor jumps back just in } time] } } -You see? Too messy. } } [Audience gags] } } Yeah. I hate it when that happens. So what do you have for us doctor? } } -Watch. } } [picks up a bottle and an eyedropper, drops a single drop on the } coworker and he vanishes] } } Wow! } } [oohs and ahhs] } } -Fantastic, no? } } Just think of what a single bottle of this could do for your career? } How much would you expect to pay for this? $99.00 } } [boos] } } $79.00 } } [shouts] } } Well, we are prepared to give it to you for only $49.97. } } [scattered claps and moans] } } Not convinced, eh? Well, doctor, it seems they want us to do better. } What can we do for them? } } -How about if they buy one bottle, we'll throw in another one } free? } } [cheers] } } Okay, we'll give you two bottles for only $49.97. } } [Shouts for more] } } Still want more folks? Okay. If you buy they bottle, we'll give you } the free bottle, and we'll throw in a tube of DD-7, a pair of closet } organizers, and a mini-blind duster which cleans eight rows of blinds } at once. How's that? } } [Screams of joy, with a smattering of orgasms every now and then] } } Okay, folks, come on up and get it. And for all you folks at home, } just call the number on your screen, and place your order. Thank } you so much doctor! Folks, how about a round of applause for doctor } Gupta Abu-dhabi! } } [More screams] } } Well, were out of time for tonight. We'll see you next time, on: } } [audience shouts in unison "AMAZING DISCOVERIES!!!!!!"] --- 484-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh dear great and magnificant oracle. You who first coined the > frase, "Wow, What a feeling." Answer me this: > > What happens when you mix: > A gallon of Blue Sherwin Williams Paint > An old Panasonic Speaker > 5 gold rings > A used Cray-2 > And a mean cat named Shmooze And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not only that, but I also have excellent spelling and grammar. } } The conglomeration will boil and bubble, roil and rumble, until finally } the ooze it has become generates a very basic form of life. Slowly, a } humanoid figure will rise up from the muck. "Hi!" it says. "Welcome } to 'Death Valley Days.' I'm your host, Ronald Reagan." } } After several seasons in Death Valley, the cat (the only remotely } intelligent component) will die, and the new life form will be elected } President. It will survive scandal after scandal, showing its cat-like } nine lives exist. It's brain, a combination of the amazing computing } power of the Cray and those little rings, will think in circles at } speeds that boggle the imagination. The speaker will spout large } amounts of noise, mostly static, that are often mistaken for attempts } at sentient speech. } } Then the paint will explode, slicking back its hair in the world's } worst pompadour. } } You owe the Oracle a better President. --- 484-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and wise Oracle, of the eternally rotating questions and > answers, who knows all and even remembers what Michael Jackson looked > like before plastic surgery, grant me the favor of an answer to my > humble supplication. > > Why are Boston drivers such maniacs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Were this 1988, the Oracle would be inclined to blame this on Mike } Dukakis; however, he is unfortunately no longer available as a } convenient scapegoat. } } Actually, the truth is of a considerably more esoteric nature. The } phenonmenon you describe of maniacal drivers is a universal problem, } and one which Einstein describes in his little-known "General } Theory of Traffic Relativity" which explains why it seems like } everyone else on the road appears to be a raving loony and should } be locked up somewhere while you yourself are the soul of responsible } motoring. } } According to Einstein's theory, the Actual Inherent Insanity Index } (AIII) of the other drivers in relation to you can be determined by } taking the factorial of the product of the speed at which you are } travelling (s) times the number of people on the road (p) times the } number of lanes in the road (l) times times the amount of time before } afternoon rush hour begins (a) times the amount of time before you need } to be where you're going (t). } } The formula reads as such: } } AIII = (splat)! } } Unfortunately the pages describing this theory fell behind Einstein's } desk and he wasn't able to present them with the rest of his work on } relativity. Nevertheless, the next time you drive through the Boston } area and see someone who is not paying attention to the road, he } may actually be figuring out the value of the Index. Or he could just } be a raving loony. } } You owe the Oracle a Car Talk t-shirt. --- 484-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose used Kleenex I am not worthy > to carry to the nearest waste receptacle, who sees all, knows all, > tells all, and still finds time to eat right and exercise regularly, > grant me the favor of an answer to this question: > > Why is it that you can go along for ages -- I mean months, years even > -- without a date, and then all of a sudden the men start crawling out > of the woodwork like the roaches they occasionally so resemble? Two > months ago, Saturday night meant sitting home watching bad TV and > eating popcorn. Today, I've got three men competing for my company. > Not that I'm complaining or anything, but why can't they coordinate > their timing so I don't have to make awkward and unpleasant choices? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi, this is Lisa. Orrie's trying out a new Grace Jones incarnation } right now, and is busy getting used to the new body (and practicing for } tonight!), so s/he gave me your question. } } You see, men are timid scum. They tend to be afraid to try something } new and be a trailbreaker. Men are much more comfortable doing } something, or in this case, someone, that other men do. So once that } first man breaks the ice, others see that they won't be alone in the } pursuit of you and join the fray. Or else a group of men get together } and jointly decide to pursue you so that they won't be seen as being } the only one. Eventually the dust settles, leaving you with one man. } Of course, if you're good at juggling egos, you can keep all three. } } Also, men are afraid of desperation, real or imagined, so if you are } feeling relaxed and comfortable because you have a man or some men, } other men are drawn in to your warmth - sort of a "looking for mommy" } kind of thing. If you are man-less and looking for one, that tends to } spook them, because mommy never went hunting for them unless they had } just done something bad. } } So don't fret it, dear supplicant. It's always nice to have a choice } and not feel like you have to take the only one that comes along. If } you only want one man, and are having trouble picking which one, just } send me a note and I'll help you out. Okay? } } Anyhow, I think I should go help Orrie into her punk dominatrix outfit. } Yippee! } } You owe me another message letting me know how it all ended up. --- 484-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh stunning, wonderful, fabulous Oracle. Your greatness is so mind > boggling that to even consider it makes me feel dizzy. To think about > it a bit harder gives me a head ache. To try and comprehend it would > give me a brain tumour. I throw myself at your feet, and don't care if > your odour, sorry fragrance overwhelms me. > > I have been told that if you misbehave during your life you get > reincarnated as a pig. So why is it that I am now an octopus? A mere > piece of calamari. ( In case your wondering, a chimpanzee who seems to > have been related to me in a past life is now typing this in. ) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because I love your obsequiousness, I'll answer a bonus question you } haven't asked: 'odour' is not a bad word. It's generic. 'Stench' } would certainly be worth a ZOT, however. } } You have been given incorrect information. You are not necessarily } reincarnated as a pig for 'misbehaving.' In fact, only those who die } of cholesterol-related problems become pigs. You are now an octopus } because you, in your most recent past life, programmed in octal machine } code. Your friend is a chimpanzee for having claimed that William } "Billy Joe Bob" Shakespeare's works were actually penned by Walter } Scott (who is currently serving time as a cockatiel for plagiarism). } You see, there is justice in the world...if you drive drunk, you are } reincarnated as road kill. If you murder someone, you are reincarnated } as a murder victim, or a cow. If you read tabloid newspapers all your } life, you are reincarnated as a member of the British royalty (not to } mention photographed topless). } } You owe the Oracle a Playboy spread of Diana Spencer. --- 484-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark J McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh,.. etc. > Do you like being so bored as I am now, that the only thing I can do > is sending bogus mails to the Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bored. Bored. Bored, bored, bored, BORED! } } I slammed my hand on the desk, splattering tarantula guts over the } blotter. Sometimes I regretted ever getting into the investigation } racket. I'd never been so bored in my life! I was sitting in my } office with nothing to do. I hadn't had a case in weeks. Nothing to } do, nothing happening. I was ready to take anything: Divorce, petty } embezzlement, woodchuck questions, anything to relieve the boredom. I } lit another cigar, but remembered I was trying to quit; I tossed in } into the trash can, where it exploded, killing the cobra. } } Bored. } } There was a knock at the door: I sprang to my feet, my chair tumbling } to the floor behind me, knocking out the dwarf with the sword. A } client?! I took a deep breath and straightened my tie. } } "Come in!" } } The door opened wide, crushing the vulture with glowing red eyes that } had been perched on the hatstand. It wasn't a client, just the } mailroom boy with today's mail. Better than nothing; maybe there'd be } something to distract me for the rest of the day. I took the mail from } the boy's extended claw, barely noticing his bloody four-inch fangs and } scaly skin. I closed the door and shuffled through the letters. Junk } mail, junk mail, junk mail. Bills. Campaign literature. Ransom } notes. Advertising circulars. The same old boring stuff. I stuffed it } into the smoking trash can, and had turned to pour myself a drink when } a pink envelope fluttered to the floor trailing a hint of perfume. } } Perfume? } } I snatched up the envelope and tore it open: A slip of matching } notepaper fell onto the desk. The envelope had a foreign stamp and the } address was written in a spidery, exotic script. I read it with hungry } eyes. } } > Tell me, oh,.. etc. } > Do you like being so bored as I am now, that the only thing I can do } > is sending bogus mails to the Oracle? } } I almost cried. } } I poured a generous dollop of scotch into the arsenic-powdered glass, } and then changed my mind and dumped it into the hungry-looking flytrap } on the window sill. Hopeless, endless boredom. I slowly tore the } letter into confetti as I dully watched the potted plant dissolve in a } cloud of greenish fumes. } } Bored, bored, bored. } } You owe the Oracle some action.