From oracle-request Mon Sep 21 15:24:03 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA08026; Mon, 21 Sep 1992 15:24:03 -0500 Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 15:24:03 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #481 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 481 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #481 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 15:24:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 481 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 476 36 votes 5af51 3ac65 14g69 4c884 19d76 4ge20 5f880 5ba82 06ea6 49a85 476 2.9 mean 2.6 3.0 3.5 2.9 3.2 2.4 2.5 2.8 3.4 3.0 --- 481-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My dearest Oracle, > > I can't go on like this any longer. I hate coming in second place > all the time. You never take me out, and if we happen to meet in > public, you ignore me, act as if you didn't know me, as if I didn't > even exist. > > When Lisa, that little slut of yours, goes out of town, I get a call > from you, and you expect me to drop everything to come running to you. > Then, before you leave me, you give me expensive gifts. I don't know > if it's because you care, or to make sure I come back the next time, > but it makes me feel like no more than a high-priced whore. > > You keep saying you'll leave her, but I know now that you never will. > Too much of your empire revolves around her. All your pathetic little > followers lust after her. Don't you know that it's her, and not you > they worship? Deep down, you must know, or you'd have left her by now. > > So this is goodbye. I'm leaving you and my past behind me. > Hopefully I'll do better in the future. Don't call or come after me. > It'll only make it hurt more. > > Love, > Summerlea > > P.S. You owe the Oracle's mistress more than you are willing to give. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh, say, uh, before you leave, could you vacuum the place up. There's } a lot of ashes from all those "Woodchuck, upchuck," supplicants and the } place could use a little sprucing up. --- 481-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, most wise, most wonderful, thou being of inestimable > wonder and light, whose shoes I am not worth to clean with my hair, > whose armpit hair I am not worthy to comb, O fantastic being whose > ability to please women knoweth no bounds, whose incredible knowledge > of the innermost workings of the Universe itself as well as each > miniscule atom outshines even the greatest sentient beings, O Oracle > who is Number One on the Top 40! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am, of course. --- 481-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > #include "grovel.h" > #include "wdchuck.h" > > main() > { > grovel(); > > if ( couldchuck( &woodchuck, wood ) ) > printf("Result : %d\n", howmuch( &woodchuck, wood, chuck ) ); > } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } main() } { } printf("\n"); } return; } } --- 481-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are you so unimaginative? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is an old Welsh legend about a small boy named } Cwmgbrghwymgd and his village of Lllrgymnrnwmlgh... } } As the story goes, young Cwmgbrghwymgd (known to his friends as } Cwmg, meaning "Boy of Unpronounceable Name") was walking through the } forest one day, when he happened upon a small, green-glass bottle. } Well, it was an anvil, really. And he was in a coal mine. It is a } Welsh legend, after all. His father had told him that it was the } forest, and that was good enough for Cwmg. } } In any event, young Cwmg examined the bottle, and found it to be } very much like an anvil. (Young Cwmg was a bit slow on the uptake, but } again, it is a Welsh legend.) Inscribed on the bottle was the phrase, } "How hot is it?" with a series of numbers below it: 160, 215, 345, 612, } and the last was illegible. "Hm..." Cwmg said thoughtfully, as he was } wont to do. "What on earth could this mean?" So he looked all around, } throughout the entire forest, and found nothing amongst the trees but } coal and rock. Suddenly, on the third day of searching (which is not } exactly "suddenly" at all, but the idea is the important thing), he } found a small trail he had never seen in the forest before, and } strangely enough, it looked very much like a ventilation shaft. This } would have struck Cwmg as being odd had he stopped to think about it, } but remember, this is a Welsh legend. } } Carved into the living trees of coal were the words, "Dwarves, } higher than this, in the magical chamber." You can only imagine young } Cwmg's excitement as he clutched the precious bottle to his breast and } raced up the tree-lined path! He fell a number of times, but then, you } try carrying an anvil up a ventilation shaft. } } Alas, the path was blocked off. Cwmg spent many a day after this } clearing dead wood (coal) from the thick forest undergrowth (coal) with } his handy machete (pickaxe). As he cleared a path, he found himself } imagining what the dwarves would be like: he invented stories about } their heroes, legends of their origin, entire sagas about their } wondrous forestry (mining) skills, until finally one day, he cleared } the remaining azalea bush (coal) from the path and looked down upon the } dwarves. } } Unfortunately, they did not measure up to his imagined lore at } all. On the contrary they were far too stupid to even understand the } concept of imagination whatsoever. The markings on the anvil had } actually been temperature readings the dwarves took as they shoved the } anvil into a fire barehanded for no discernable purpose other than that } their memories were incredibly short-lived and they couldn't figure out } why everyone was such a bad flautist. When Cwmg tried to tell them of } his stories about them, they threatened to beat him up, but then they } forgot who he was and asked him to hand them another anvil. } } In fact, the dwarves were REMARKABLY SIMILAR TO YOU!!! THEY SAID } STUPID THINGS AND ASKED STUPID QUESTIONS AND SHOWED ABSOLUTELY NO } IMAGINATION OF THEIR OWN AT ALL WHILE NOT BEING ABLE TO APPRECIATE } WHAT YOUNG CWMG HAD DEVELOPED USING ONLY HIS CREATIVITY AND A LITTLE } BIT OF SPARE TIME!!! THIS IS PROBABLY THE STUPIDEST QUESTION I HAVE } EVER SEEN IN ALL MY ETERNITY AS ORACLE, AS IT IS TOTALLY POINTLESS, } UNFUNNY, AND LEAVES THE ORACLE NO LEEWAY WITHIN WHICH TO WORK!!! } } You owe the Oracle never asking a question again. --- 481-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Wondrous Oracle, who knows all: > > Would the Universe really be a better place if > Stupidity was a crime? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } %alternate-reality } } Reality Simulator v3.6 running... } Light...created. } Firmament...created. } Heaven & Earth...created. } Beasts: } Crawling: created. } Flying: created. } Walking: created. } Man...created. } Add Sex mechanism for procreation? y } OK to pull rib? y } Woman...created. } } Universe simulator running. Addt'l parameters? outlaw stupidity } Stupidity now Class I misdemeanor. } } Running...15% of population imprisoned. } 25% of population imprisoned. } 40% of population imprisoned. } 78% of population imprisoned. } 99% of population imprisoned. } } UNRECOVERABLE ERROR: No population left! } Press Ctl-C to abort. } } ^C } } Um, no. You owe the Oracle a beanie. --- 481-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most munificent majesty, most puissant potentate, most regal > royalty, whose every utterance will live on forever, please tell me: > > Why won't NASA let the first married couple in space have sex? > I mean, wasn't it cruel and unusual punishment to put them > on opposite shifts? If wasps can get it on in orbit, why not them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cruel? Unusual? You obviously don't know the Oracle very well. } } Unbeknownst to most, intercourse between humans creates a very unique } energy field that has strange effects on the surrounding area. } (Reference subway derailment, New York City, March 12, 1972 and Paris, } France, all during 1787.) } } The folks at NASA being more intelligent than your average human } suspect this. Since the Shuttle is such an incredibly delicate machine, } they want to take no chances. } } Should adequate shielding be developed, there's always the question of } logistics. There is no being "on top" in zero gravity. Too much } confusion for any two humans to have to deal with. Thank goodness for } Velcro! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the movie "Debbie Does Houston Control." --- 481-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who knows the *truth* about the personal lives > of all presidential candidates, who fully understands not only dollar > cost averaging but also abitraging (even on the D-mark!!), answer this > humble supplicant's question: > > Yesterday my buddy told me that the *real* reason why Ross Perot had to > leave the Presidential race was that Peter Jennings had found out that > Ross was living in sin with Elvis Presley. Is that true, or is there > an even more serious reason? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the question you ask is a most serious and difficult one. Mr. } Perot is a very secretive man, as we saw during his brief stint as a } presidential candidate; he has many skeletons hanging in his walk-in } closet. And try as he might, he could not hide the truth from the } all-knowing Oracle. I asked the heavens for help, and they showed me } the answer. Mr. Perot was NOT, and is NOT, living in sin with Elvis } Presley. He is, however, living in sin...With John F. Kennedy. You } see, it was a young Elvis in disguise who was in Texas that fateful } day many years ago and who took the bullet aimed for the beloved } president. JFK, therefore, couldn't risk exposing the truth; he } stayed underground and posed as Elvis. Eventually he couldn't bear } it any more, and faked his (or Elvis') own death. He is now living } in sin with Ross Perot, which Peter Jennings did indeed discover. } And for which Peter Jennings is now receiving a LOT of money to keep } it quiet. --- 481-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose might is greater than even that of the high priests of > Shanderkhan, who I once, personally, saw lift three whole planets while > swimming in a pool infested by sharks and lice. Please, bestow upon > this humble supplicant the words of thy wisdom, that I might go out > into the world more able to face the reality that I never made, boldly > telling every passer by how I came upon my serenity by asking the > mighty Oracle.... > > Why is it every time I ask you a question lately, you include the > question in the answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I, Oracle, whose might is greater than even that of the high priests of } Shanderkhan, who you once, personally, saw lift three whole planets } while swimming in a pool infested by sharks and lice. I shall bestow } upon this humble supplicant the words of my wisdom, that he might go } out into the world more able to face the reality that he never made, } boldly telling every passer by how he came upon his serenity by asking } the mighty Oracle.... } } ... drat, what was the question again? I swear, this happens every } time I forget to include the letter in the response... } } You owe the Oracle some Megadose Seaweed Pills, if you can remember } where you put them... --- 481-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@VAXB.STRATHCLYDE.AC.UK The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, exalted one, most splendid of all known dieties, could'st thou > lower thyself to answer this one, small question? > > How much ground chuck could I expect to get from a woodchuck? I'm > having guests over for dinner, and I need to know how of the little > beasties to prepare. > -Josh And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } "If I get another dumb woodchuck could chuck, etc., question I think I } am going to upchuck!" } } However, I will grace you with this reply, partly because I would also } like to see the demise of the damn woodchucks, and partly because I'm } currently bored out of my etheral plane... } } After killing the darned things, skinning, and cleaning them, you can } expect about 1/2 lb. of meat per average adult sized woodchuck, unless } it is an abnormally large variety found in Topeka, Kansas. The glowing } variation are to be particulary avoided. However, with skill and } patience, you may be able to perfect the art of woodchuck killing (as I } have) and yield slightly more. } } As for me, I usually go to the local Deities Convienience Store 24 and } get woodchuck meat for $1.39 a pound. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Elmer Fudd's Guide to Small Animal } Slaying. --- 481-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You're a much better poet than Frost, > And your teeth are so perfectly flossed. > Now I've grovelled real well, > So I hope you will tell > Where virginity goes when it's lost. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There once was a man named Einstein } who asked me just how did light shine } he wanted to know, } just where do they go, } those photons that move in a line } } I told him his thinking should swerve } along a non-classical curve } for just like virginity, } in any proximity } photons just are not conserved.