From oracle-request Tue Sep 15 13:15:56 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA21615; Tue, 15 Sep 1992 13:15:56 -0500 Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 13:15:56 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #479 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 479 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #479 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1992 13:15:56 -0500 *** A summary of the results of the Usenet Oracle users survey has been *** posted to rec.humor.oracle.d and sent to the Usenet Oracularities mail *** distribution list today. It's also available in the Usenet Oracle *** archives (see the help file about accessing the archives). Thanks to *** everyone who completed the questionnaire and to David Sewell for doing *** and compiling the survey. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 479 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 474 26 votes 156a4 3c641 05c90 03959 45593 15c62 23d44 21977 16694 254c3 474 3.3 mean 3.4 2.5 3.2 3.8 3.1 3.1 3.2 3.6 3.3 3.3 --- 479-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I'm trapped in a computer factory!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well hit your [escape] key, you fool! --- 479-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark J McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, who can tell when politicians are lying even when their > lips aren't moving, please help me with this political puzzle: > > Here in Australia we like to have things spelled out clearly for us in > politics. Until recently, our Prime Minister's name was Hawke and the > Opposition Leader's name was Peacock. These names aptly described both > the men and their styles of leadership. Now the new Prime Minister's > name is Keating, and the Opposition Leader's name is Hewson. What do > these names mean? How are we supposed to decide between them if we > don't know? > > Yours etc, > Deeply Confused. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keating Powder is a preparation used to repel lice and bedbugs and the } like. "Hewson" means either a son of a woodcutter, or someone who kills } his children with an axe. } } Hope this helps. --- 479-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wonderful and witty Oracle - when I read news, sometimes I get this > message: Skipping unavalible article... > > This happens pretty often in alt.security, > alt.sex.bondage.hampster.duct-tape, nsa.soviet.communiques, and certian > others. > > Just why doesn't my newsreader want me to see these things? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 479-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Merlin utters the words, "gufitaarar". > > Merlin the Ultra-Mage smirks as the fireball hits you in the face! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle utters the words "Tax Audit". } } The Oracle, wisest Entity in the known world, smirks as Merlin is } billed for Excalibur's assessed worth. } } You owe the Oracle - oh heck, you've got nothing left, have you ? } *SMIRK* --- 479-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oho Oracle, who sees all, hears all the gossip, and knows everything > before he even knows he knows it - I have a question. > > If oranges were red, would they still be called oranges? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who cares? } } Oh, OK, I know *you* do, or at least you think you do. } } Well, the reality of it is..., well it's like I once told this guy } called Bill, from London, a few hundred years ago, "Bill, if the name } of the damn flower was 'Dog Shit' it would still smell the same } wouldn't it?" Of course, at the time I hadn't installed Oracular } Copyrights so he felt free to use the idea in some of his scribblings. } As punishment to his species I made his work popular and kids have had } to study that dribble for centuries! That'll teach 'em. } } But I digress. } } It's all a word game. Unfortunately you, like a huge majority of your } kind, have a very centralized view of your world, with the center point } on your immediate culture. It's forgivable but you should be aware } that there are thousands of other cultural perspectives on things. For } example and with regard to your question; your neighbors to the south } refer to the "orange" as "naranja" but of course, it still looks, } tastes, and exists just as... } } LISA: Ah, Orrie, babe... I'm sorry for looking over your shoulder but } I think you're answering the wrong question... } } Oracle: What are you talking about? } } Lisa: Look, this supplicant asked, "If Oranges were red, would they } still be called oranges?" He's asking if the physical appearance } of the orange were different, would it have the same name? } You're answering the question: "If the Orange had a different } name would it still be the same thing?" You see, dear? } } Oracle: ...err... yeah... Of course I knew you were there all along } babe. I was just seeing if you were paying attention. Yeah, } that's it... } } Lisa: Why don't you just answer this guy's question and come to bed? } You know better than to answer supplicants after a hard day of } boozing with Thor and the boys. } } Oracle: OK, that's easy. } } OK mortal, the answer is yes, if the orange were red it would still be } called the orange. However, the color you call red would be called } orange and what you call orange would be called Xenenitalioca and can } you imagine how tough that would be on little Suzi-first-grader? Geez, } even I had to look that one up in my Webster's Alternate Reality } Dictionary (ask for it wherever fine paper backs are sold.) If that } were the case, the Crayola people would have never been able to market } their line effectively, which means that over time, millions of people } would not have had a job and little Danny Quayle would never have } impressed his kindergarten teachers by coloring to the far right of the } lines. This of course means that he would never have reached the } enviable post of VP and thus hundreds of working comedians (and } would-be comedians) wouldn't have him as the best source for their } material. Thus, during the heart of the miserable economic conditions } that the US now finds itself in, you wouldn't have as much humor in } your lives. } } Isn't it a good thing that I thought of all this when I told Zeus, } "Make 'em orange, OK? Just trust me on this one." } } You owe the Oracle an alternate reality thesaurus. --- 479-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Most Groovy Oracle... > .... whose bellbottoms encircle the globe, > .... who knows every variation to "The Hustle," > .... who was responsible for Donna Summers' ecstacy in "Love to Love > You, Baby" > > please tell me: > > Whatever happened to the Village People? > > and, if you will forgive this supplicant for a two-part question: > > Will disco ever return? > > My booty is shaking in anticipation of your response.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my polyester-blend follower, I see you pose a question about the } altogether "lost" decade, the 1970's. Truly a strange ten years they } were and, until the Nedrebian 22030's, will hold the Planetary Title } for Most Completely Embarassing Decade in History. Congratulations. } } The Village People were, upon their graciously under-publicized } breakup, dispersed throughout the globe by us, the DAATs. (Dieties } Against Abject Tastelessness.) The locations of most of the members } are, alas, still classified, and will remain so until We decide to } release them, or until Oliver Stone gets wise to Our case. I *can* } tell you that the Policeman is currently slinging drinks in a trucker } bar in the Yukon, and the Indian is terrorizing small children at Euro } Disney. } } As for the disco aspect of your question, We, the proud DAATs are } working diligently to try and prevent another such resurgence of utter } grossness in motion. Public Whim and Nostalgia are two forces very } difficult to predict and control, so We can't be totally sure that all } Our work isn't in vain. We are trying to adjust key minds, however, } such that the current nostaligic trend (somewhere in the mid-to-late } 1960's) will accelerate rapidly through the Disco Era, so that the } entire thing will have passed by next Thursday. This, unfortunately, } will leave the entire world stuck in an extra decade 80's nostalgia, } including yuppies, Reaganomics, and the PTL. If you play your cards } right, I'd say that your nostalgia cycle should even itself out in } about 40 or 50 years. 'Til then, remember, "Greed is Good." } } You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "YMCA" --- 479-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Women appear to have assumed a useful place in the world's community, > but just between you and me, if it weren't for sex, they'd be barefoot > in the kitchen where they belong, right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mortal, your query contains 3 glaring errors. } I shall adress them each, in order of increasing importance. } } Error1: } You seem to believe that women have achived some level of importance. } This is incorrect. The truth is that NO mortal, male, female or } otheriwise has advanced far enough to be of any real importance. While } they may appear to have some influence in their respective societies, } their cosmic significance is, obviously, nonexistant. } } Error2: } Your use of the phrase "barefoot in the kitchen where they belong," is } a corruption of two other phrases, namely "barefoot and pregnant", and } "in the kitchen where they belong." Rewording your query, we arrive at } one of the following: } } [1] Without sex, women would be barefoot and pregnant. } } [2] Without sex, women would be in the kitchen. } } Statement [1] can expressed as the union of: } } [1a] Without sex, women would be barefoot. } } [1b] Without sex, women would be pregnant. } } While statement [1b] is clearly nonsense, [1a] bears some discussion. } Through negation, the statement implies that women wear shoes whilst } having sex. Although this is sometimes true (indeed, in the depraved } world of your fantasies women are constantly having sex in and around } some quite startling footware. But, I digress), the Oracle has _many_ } examples of sex without shoes. As statement [1] is riddled with } contradictions, we shall move to statement [2]. } } [2] Without sex, women would be in the kitchen. } } Again, using negation, we arrive at: } } [~2] With sex, women would not be in the kitchen. } } Which again is clearly false. Why just the other day, Lisa was making } a banana split when she commented on the size and shape of the bananas, } one thing led to another and..., But I digress. } } Error3: } No Grovel. } } You owe the Oracle a proof, in symbolic logic, that barefoot sex in the } kitchen does not violate state board of health standards, and a dozen } bananas. --- 479-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many whales could a humpback hump if a humpback could hump whales? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "How many whales could a humpback hump if a humpback could hump } whales?" } } Since I've mellowed, and don't Zot all the supplicants who fail to } grovel ( _you_, for example ), the punishment for most non-grovelers } is that they get an inferior answer from a Priest instead of a } superior answer from Me. } } I decided to answer this one myself in order to settle this question } once and for all. } } First of all, there is not just one form of the WQ. } One may enumerate: } } WQ1: } "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck } could chuck wood?" } WQ2: } "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck } could chuck wood?" } WQ3: } "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck } would chuck wood?" } WQ4: } "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck } would chuck wood?" } } The GQ series can be equated with the WQ series, inasmuch as both } "woodchuck" and "groundhog" are synonymous colloquial terms for the } beast properly known as Marmota Monax, whose most famous } representative is Punxsatawney Phil. } } The 4 forms of these queries differ in the use of "would", used in } the first instance merely as a conditional modifier, and referring } in the second case to the volition of the rodent, and "could", } referring in both instances to the mammal's ability. } } WQ1 is fatuous and inane; it implies the inability } of the creature to perform the task at hand, and then requests } quantification of the stated impossibility. It is like asking } "if pigs had wings, how many wings would they have". } } WQ2 is the poorest version; it asks the same question as WQ1, but } lacks the poetically satisfying repetition of the word "could" or } "would". } } WQ3 is the version that makes the most sense: "if it wanted to do } so, how much would it be able to do?" Unfortunately, the terms of } the question are vague -- "how much wood" cannot be answered without } further information: } } a. If you mean firewood, the answer must, by Pennsylvania state law, } be expressed in cords. Pennsylvania is the appropriate } jurisdiction because Punxsatawney is in that state. } } b. If you mean lumber, the answer must be expressed in board-feet. } } c. Timber is measured in tons. } } d. Kindling is measured in bushels or faggots. } } e. For veneer, square inches are used. } } f. For baseball bats, ounces are preferred when referring to the } physical objects, but when "wood" is used metonymically, either } RBI's, slugging average, or number_of_feet_the_ball_traveled. } } g. I shall not bore you by enumerating the special measures used } for toothpicks, balustrades, masts, keels, splinters, and the } like. Sufficient to say that the query "how much wood" is } meaningless without furher context. } } WQ4 is the most poetic form, and the most satisfying with regard to } Poe's theory that poetry need not make sense if it touches you at an } emotional level. None of the WQ4 questions make sense, and they } certainly touch this reader, for one, at an emotional level; the } Oracle is always irked by this question. Perhaps I shall *ZOT* you } after all.... No, I have stifled the impulse. For the moment. } } Herein lies the major difference between GQ4 and WQ4: GQ4 lacks the } poetry, and is therefore inferior. } } However, the GQ series has another attribute, one that the WQ series } lacks: both "ground" and "hog" can be used either as verbs or as } nouns. } } Nota bene, the NQ series also has this attribute; therefore, the } variant } } > "How much net could a network work if a network } > could work net?", } } which you cite as "nonsense", makes just as much sense as } } "How many hogs could a groundhog ground if a groundhog } could ground hogs?". } } ( Although we have established that none of the questions makes } sense in the larger sense, it is nonetheless true that they are } syntactically "sensible", that they can be parsed and can be } construed to have a meaning ( unlike your life )). } } It is clear, then, that a large number of questions may be } constructed along similar lines; for example: } } EQ: } "How much work could a network net if a network } could net work?" } } In fact, for every word compounded of two other words, where one } word is a noun and the other is a verb, and if both words can be } used either as nouns or as verbs, 64 queries are possible: } AABBABBA[1-4], AABBABAB[1-4], BABAABBA[1-4], BABAABAB[1-4], } AABAABBA[1-4], AABAABAB[1-4], BABBABBA[1-4], BABBABAB[1-4], } AABBABAA[1-4], AABBABBB[1-4], BABAABAA[1-4], BABAABBB[1-4], } AABAABAA[1-4], AABAABBB[1-4], BABBABAA[1-4], and BABBABBB[1-4]. } } For example, BHQ1: "How much blood could a bloodhound hound if a } bloodhound could hound blood?" } } In sum, both the NQ and GQ series of queries are merely subsets of a } large collection of nonsensical queries following a strict format; } and the format is important! } } Observance of the Oracular ritual IN ITS PROPER FORM is perhaps the } only thing a pondscum such as you can do to justify your miserable } existence. In your Query, you deviated from the ritual in two } important ways: } } 1. You failed to grovel, and } } 2. Your Question was not in the format described above. } } Think of the opportunity you have lost! } Your Question might have been either: } } A. ( royalty and pop ): } How much Prince could the Prince of Wales wail } if the Prince of Wales could wail Prince? } } or } B. ( a wagering question ): } } How many hunches would a hunchback back } if a hunchback would back hunches? } } Either one of those questions would have been _funny_. } Do you know what _funny_ means? } } You owe the Oracle: your net worth. ( How much net is your net worth } worth? ) --- 479-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark J McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the one thing,in the universe, God cannot do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I can't speak for old Abraham, or even for Buddha, Shiva, or } Allah. You see, they all have separate labor unions that prevent them } from performing certain feats of devine machismo. } } For example, last Tuesday was deities night out. We were all sitting } around Valhalla swapping stories and swilling nectar. Well, after } a few rounds, we were getting pretty sloshed (except for that tea } totaler Jesus). Talk turned to the troubles that you mortals cause us. } Old boy God said something about it all starting with an apple or } something. I said "You think YOU'VE got problems? We'll there was this } guy named Oedipus once, a long time ago, and well, HE was trouble." } That got a laugh. We started discussing common questions that we were } asked. God said that most people asked if they were going to be } eternally punished because they had played with themselves at one time } or another. He also said that union regulations specifically } prohibited him from creating a rock so large that he couldn't lift it, } so that question didn't count. So anyway, the night wore on and we } tried to answer the eternal woodchuck question and figure out if it } were possible to chuck that much wood, and *why* the damned woodchuck } would want to anyways, and Lisa comes to pick me up bitching and } yelling about how I'm neglecting my responsibilities to my supplicants } and then Hare Krishna hurls in the back of my chariot and it was a real } mess. So we went home and I slept most of it off, but since I wasn't } paying attention I slipped and the iron curtain fell down and gasoline } taxes went up and...oh...what was your question? } } You owe the Oracle a REAL hangover cure and two aspirin. --- 479-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great Oracle, whose toe-nail clippings are precious and to be > cherished; whose toe-jam is to be savored; whose belly button lint is > ambrosia; whose flatulence is the scent of heaven; whose dandruff is as > the new fallen snow, please smile upon a most unworthy supplicant and > deign to answer his question: > > Why do villains get all the good lines? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WHY do you supplicants insist on being so ambiguous in your questions? } Now I suppose I am expected to give a complete answer, but next time } try to be more specific. Exactly to what sort of lines do you refer? } } Train: It is important that only the best quality } railway lines are used when tying down heroines. It } would not do for the train to be derailed just before } slicing her into grisly halves. } } Laughter: These are critical for the successful villain to } cultivate. Without carefully constructed laughter lines, } the most maniacal laugh may simply appear on film to be a } naughty giggle, ruining the whole effect. } } Worry: Strictly speaking, the successful villain should } not have these, but this *is* the real world we're } talking about. They do come in useful during the final } reel when the inevitable is about to happen and that } damned hero is about to get the girl again. Just once I } wish.... } } Pickup: The whole movie would be rather pointless if the } girl didn't agree to go off with the villain in the first } place. "How about coming back to my place for a spot of } torture?" "No thanks." } "Oh, alright then." (Roll credits) } } Not exactly Academy award material. The good pickup line } is clearly critical to the whole picture. } } Fishing: Not at all relevant and rather silly. } } Spoken: The producers ensure that the villains get the } best spoken lines. They look upon this as a type of } professional courtesy, rather like sharks not eating } lawyers. } } You owe the Oracle a more enjoyable ending. By the way, "I find your } lack of faith disturbing...."