From oracle-request Tue Aug 18 12:30:25 1992 Received: by moose.cs.indiana.edu (5.65c/9.4jsm) id AA04196; Tue, 18 Aug 1992 12:30:25 -0500 Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 12:30:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #471 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 471 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #471 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 12:30:25 -0500 @@@ Jump for joy, the Usenet Oracle is back. @@@ Feel free to ask and answer, but prepare for bugs on occasion. @@@ Kudos to Steve for getting it working, let's get down to business. @@@ --JRP [Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU] To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 471 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 471-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, whose presence in the universe makes it > happy enough to tolerate the presence of lowly ones such as I, > > Scott keeps asking me to marry him. I usually give him some excuse for > not doing so, such as "Sorry, I have to clean out the garbage > disposal." I fear that he may now suspect that I am not interested. > > Am I in a lot of trouble here? Must I emigrate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You don't have to emigrate, but section 7 of the Prospective Domestic } Partnership Standards (promulgated by the Vice President's Council on } Making Everyone Just Like Him) does require you to move to another } state, change your name, have two children out of wedlock, enroll on } welfarem abd wear ugly shoes. Who do you think you were, shunning your } divinely ordained role as mother, provider, and slave to your lord and } master? What kind of Communist country do you think this is, anyway? } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of four hours of colorized Ozzie and } Harriet. --- 471-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't my computer talk to me the way that my dog does... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Seeing as how you didn't grovel or anything, I could just give you the } simple answer: "Marketing surveys show that 84% of all potential } computer buyers would object to a machine that tried to lick their } face." } } Still, I feel I should tell you about an upgrade by which you can get } a lot of dog communication software. It's called DOG (short for "Dog's } Orthogonal (to) GNU) and includes several commands that have been } unaccountably omitted from GNU. Like GNU, DOG is still very much in } development, and its utilities have an unfortunate tendency to leave } little core dumps all over your system. } } In terms of communication, DOG systems may interact with standard UNIX } systems, but only if the DOG system has been trained in the handshake } protocol. Some DOG systems are also trained to sit, beg, and roll } over. Also of note is that passing a "kill -37" causes a process to } "play dead"- the process appears to go away but continues to gobble CPU } cycles and memory, and inexplicably comes back two minutes later. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Milk-Bones. --- 471-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi there! Welcome to the Usenet } Oracle! I see this is your first } visit. Perhaps you'd like to } hear some of the traditions most } people adhere to when submitting OH GEEZ. ANOTHER EMPTY QUESTION. } questions to the Oracle: THAT'S THREE TODAY! } } - It's customary to open with a AM I REALLY SUPPOSED TO PUT UP } complimentary sentence or two, WITH THIS NONSENSE? } known as a "grovel". Something } like "Dear Oracle, whose eyes YOU IDIOT! WHY DIDN'T YOU EVEN } I am not worthy to meet in TAKE THE TIME TO *LEARN* A LITTLE } dreams, please answer my lowly SOMETHING ABOUT MAIL BEFORE } mortal's question." After all, TRYING THIS! } you are addressing an omni- } potent, omniscient being here. THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! I'M } THROUGH WITH THIS! } - Empty questions, such as yours, } are frowned upon. The all- HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF } powerful Oracle does not take YOUR DUMB QUESTION MADE THE } kindly to having her (or his) DIGEST? YOU KNOW, YOU WOULDN'T } time wasted simply because you EVEN BE ABLE TO TELL IT FROM } are unfamiliar with your mail ALL THE REST OF THE STUPID } utility. EMPTY QUESTIONS. HEH HEH HEH. } } - The best questions are selected YEAH, RIGHT. AS IF THIS EVEN } and posted in the Oracularities HAS A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE. } Digest. As a participant in } the Usenet Oracle, your highest GET A LIFE, PAL. SELL YOUR } goal is to have your question COMMODORE 64 AND PUT A DOWN } or answer posted to the digest. PAYMENT ON A CLUE. } The best questions and answers } are usually, but not always, AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL } the funniest. YOU'VE READ THE MAIL MANUAL } THREE TIMES. } Well, there you have it. Better } luck in the future. We hope you GO AWAY AND LET THE PEOPLE } enjoy the Oracle! WHO CAN TYPE HAVE A CHANCE. } } You owe the Oracle a question. YOU OWE THE ORACLE A QUESTION! --- 471-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You make me sad, Oracle. We Supplicants know you are all-powerful > and magnificent and all that, that's why we're always coming to > you for answers. So what's the point of ting us when we > don't please you? I mean, of course we're stupid and annoying, > that's why we're Supplicants! If we piss you off that much, why > bother answering our questions? I would think ting would > be beneath someone of your cosmic scope and omniscience. I guess > I was wrong. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps the following scenario may enlighten your quark-sized } intellect as to why the Oracle dispenses 's: } } Your two-year-old child, already smarter than you, has decided } that kitchen implements can be used in place of percussion instruments. } Routinely, he pulls them from the cabinets, and in his best Buddy Rich } imitation, repeatedly pounds on them in rhythms far too complex for } your enfeebled brain stem to process, so that the pounding in virtually } idistinguishable from that of random noise. Your creamed-corn-like } neuron firings cannot grasp the reasons behind this incessant pounding, } but because "of course, (he's) stupid and annoying, that's why (he's) a } (two-year-old)!" } } Your boss, still pondering the cosmic misfortune that saddled } him with a planktonesque employee, calls you long distance one evening } because he desperately needs some information very very rapidly (that } means "fast," by the way, so you don't have to go look it up in your } Dr. Seuss dictionary), but unfortunately, the connection is only } slightly less feeble than that between your medula and your cerebral } cortex, and his voice is quiet and indistinct. Suddenly, Junior } decides that this is the perfect time for an impromptu concert, and } you, fascinated by the Ornette Coleman-like riffs he generates, feel } compelled not to stop him, lest he become uppity at your seemingly } callous insistence that he stop behaving in a "stupid and annoying" } manner. As the child continues, your boss grows frustrated because you } do not respond to him, and since this is even more sluglike than } normal, even from your microscopic mental process, he hangs up, your } company goes bankrupt, and your two-year-old is forced to sell you for } scientific experimentation to afford enrollment in a foster home } program. } } You see, stupid and annoying behavior is expected of Supplicants, } but this is not to say that it should be rewarded. } } You owe the Oracle three steps to the left...yes..one more... } } --- 471-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh mighty Oracle, why women only have 2 tits. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Creator thought it wise to give equal number of tits to females as } there are hands to a male. --- 471-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Strange and Mystical Well of Knowledge, > > Why can't they invent a paper-shredder that only shreds one side > of a document? I mean, I'm supposed to shred these memos for my boss, > but, like, they're only on one side of the paper, and if you just > shredded that side, you could use the other for note paper and save a > lotta trees. > > Whaddaya think, Oracle? > > Signed, Two-Face And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps it isn't a shredder that you actually require. If the object } is simply to render the memos illegible, then I propose that you need } only a pet bird under which to place the memos. Having a Avian } Document Obscurer in the workplace has several advantages: } } It can double as a corporate mascot. } } It can provide pleasant background noise to alleviate aural stress. } } It can obscure only one side of a memo unless you flip the memo over } after a few days. } } It can act as an early-warning for employees that their managers are } trying to kill them with poison gas. } } It can help reduce stationery costs: The reverse side of memos which } it obscures just one side of can be re-used as "yellow stickies." } } You owe the Oracle a cat. --- 471-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and infinitely powerful Oracle, > I recently sent you some questions, and you did your usual > excellent and terrific job of answering all of them except one. > I had asked: > > > Why did my last girlfriend act like a psycho and dump me for no > > apparent reason and no explanation whatsoever, no hints, > > not a single indication until I drive 4 hours to see > > her and she tells me she's started dating someone else? > > And in response you said: > > } 6) Beats me. > > (the 6) is referring to the question number, and was not a warped > "smiley face" ) > > In the hope that the previous response was merely the result of > an inattentive or careless acolyte, I humbly beseech you again for > enlightenment. > > Your continuously self- > abasing supplicant, > Me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Wee and Tim'rous Beastie of a Supplicant, your plight, as well as } your self-abasement (and, incidentally, your praises to me, which could } have used a *touch* more grovel here and there) have been noted. } } Argh. I hate it when the system goes to Hell like that. I have to } admit, I've been tinkering with the ol' Arcturian Mega-Cray lately in } hopes of writing a little batch file that would intercept some of the } supplicants' questions when I'm pouring the whip-cr... ehr, in the } middle of something that can't get interrupted easily. Like a board } meeting. You understand those, don't you? } } *SIGH*, you're not the first to ask me what's going on, and why } is it that my answers seem lame occasionally, out of context. Let me } explain. The batch file doesn't always take into account little } trivial things like, oh...dimensional barriers, vibratory plane } frequencies, astral duplex, and little known things like the Law of } Baryon Conservation. So sometimes, RARELY, your answer makes no sense. } It's because it isn't your answer, supplicant. Let me show you what I } mean. Your answer was: } } 6) Beats me. } } If you hadn't numbered you questions, the little retrieval daemon } wouldn't have gotten confused. Plus you mailed that off just after } midnight, first time around. You have no idea how that throws off } internal clocks over dimensional datelines. That answer was supposed } to go to an alt.sex.bondage subscriber at oak.oakland.edu, which was } fortunate for you because California is only a couple of dimensions out } of touch with reality. He was surprised too, because his questions } was: } } } Yo! Whoa! Whoaaaa! Haaalp! Oracle! Oracle? ORACLE! I need some } } serious <*CRASH*> advice, man {*WOMBA*}{*WOMBA*}{*WOMBA*}...an' like, } } I need it (*(*(*A-HUXGA!*)*)*) FAST! Like, what are those forty-two } } steps to the perfect climax when tied to a Bustin' Bronco (tm) Rodeo } } Robot when your girl's got the riding crop, hot oils, and mini-thong } } monokini ready? Whooooooa! <*Toss*>..... } } Well, I was busy at the time, but the database has this particular } recipe on-line for just these emergencies. For him, it was just a } matter of sending the point-form note version to get things going. } } Unfortunately for him, couched between } } 5) Lisa spreads the hot oils all over my body } } and } } 7) Then she applies the chainsaw delicately to the parts we } discussed in step 3. Careful now... } } he didn't get the right step 6, which is } } 6) Beats me. } } Instead, he went home that night feeling really miserable because he } followed my advice to the letter, which just happened to be } } 6) Yes, well Supplicant, I can empathize with your girl acting } like a psycho like that, but your mature attitude in } questioning her actions shows that there's hope for you yet. } Your girlfriend, on the other hand, I wouldn't want to meet } in a dark alley with a live chainsaw, with a behavioural } problem like that. } } *sigh*, well, you can see what happened when he got to step seven. } } You owe the Oracle the materials required for steps 8 thru 14. --- 471-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How to get up-tight corporate robots to loosen up and enjoy life a > little? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Darvon in coffee. } } Owe Oracle complete sentence and correspondance course in shorthand. --- 471-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I want to be an Oracle when I grow up; > Dan Quayle wants to be President. > > Which of us is better qualified? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle requires an answer to this question! } Well, let's see... you've already passed the first stage, which is } spelling Oracl with that little dangly bit of an 'e' at the end. } } You have to be a quick study at grovelling, something we'll have to } work on, I'm afraid. You're a miserable groveller. You didn't even } *abase* yourself in the slightest. I've SLAIN THOUSANDS for less. I } blew up a mountain the other day just because some uppity druid crawled } up the the peak, where I was bathing in the molten rock, and had the } TEMERITY to ask yet another question on WOODCHUCKS! } } Oh no, I'm afraid "Dear Oracle" just doesn't cut it anymore. You lose } a mark there. } } Lastly, you've got to be able to squeeze bricks into dust with your } bare hands, be proficient with a , have a quick temper, and an } attitude you couldn't pack into the cargo hold of a 747 if you were } thinking of going on an ego trip. Frequently. And you need a willy } the size of a Dodge Dart. And, oh yes, you have to be immortal, } omniscient, omnipotent, indestructible, and have a willy the size of... } wait, I already mentioned that. Well, you can never be too careful } with your Dart. } } Frankly, I just don't see it happening. Oracles are Oracles, and } Supplicants are Supplicants, and never the twain shall meet...and all } that, you know? } } Then again...if I stop and consider Danny Quayle as president... } } I'd say it's a tie. } } You owe the Oracle the cargo hold of a 747. --- 471-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In preface to my question, the following lines: > > "You were silly like us; your gift survived it all; > The parish of rich women, physical decay, > Yourself, mad Ireland hurt you into poetry, > Now Ireland has her madness and her weather still, > For poetry makes nothing happen, it survives, > In the valley of its saying where executives would > Never want to tamper; it flows south, > From ranches of isolation and the busy griefs, > Raw towns that we believe and die in; it survives, > A way of happening, a mouth." > ---W.H. Auden, from "In Memory of W.B. Yeats" > > My question is: > > "If poetry makes nothing happen, what does an M.B.A. do?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "You were greedier than us; your graft surpassed us all; } The purses of rich women, fiscal melee, } Yourself, mad speculation urged you into business school, } Now Wall Street has your money and you're in jail, } For leveraged buyouts make nothing happen, nothing survives, } In the valley of bankrupcy where executives would } Receive ridiculously large bonuses; moeny flows, } From closed factories and the unemployed, } Dead towns that homeless die in; it survives, } A way of bloodsucking, a mouth." } ---T.U. Oracle, from "In Memory of Ivan Boesky" } } My answer is: } } "An M.B.A. makes nothing happen, too."