From oracle-request Mon Jul 20 06:54:16 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 20 Jul 92 06:54:16 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #469 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 469 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #469 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Mon, 20 Jul 92 06:54:16 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 469 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 469-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, who causes the planets to tremble and yea, even > the barren deserts to bear life; who heals the sick and feeds the > hungry; whose greatness is proclaimed in the heavens above and whose > glory is manifest throughout the Universe; who works great signs and > wonders and who even knows how much wood a woodchuck would chuck, > please answer my question: > > It's Mom - why do I have to go through all this groveling just to say > hi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, you know Mom, rules are rules, if I were to make an exception for } you I'd have to make an exception for everyone. You were the one that } said "Orrie, when you grow up I want you to be successful and not some } deadbeat charlatan like your father Merlin with his Ouija board, tea } leaves, mouse droppings, and hocus pocus". So I did, Mom, I even gave } up learning to play the pipes with Pan, to study hard. And everyday I } had to eat my Magic Mushrooms, Spice, and Peyote, just so I could } improve on my precognition. At least once you could have let me eat a } burger and fries. I won't even talk about the sheep intestines, eye of } newt, and bat brains. So I did what you want, and I admit being the all } powerful, all knowing, being of the Universe has its rewards. So you } got what you asked for and no, I won't pick up those socks in the } corner! Sorry, if I'm a little cross Mom, its been a rough day. Love } you. } } You owe the Oracle a hug, a glass of milk and a dozen of your chocolate } chip cookies. --- 469-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which side is the far side of the moon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's in the same place as the far side of the earth, and the far side } of all other known worlds. Which is to say, in most American } newspapers, somewhere near "The Neighborhood," "Peanuts," and } "Doonesbury," unless latter is in a small-town paper where the } conservative editors place it on the editorial page. } } You owe the oracle one chicken or cow, whichever is funnier. --- 469-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear alrighty one, > > Don't you think this whole thing is getting rather boring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle realizes that the intracacies of modern life may } appear to be boring, when in fact nothing could be further from the } truth. It is difficult for the Oracle to see how a world in which Dan } Quayle could become President of the United States, Spam (tm) is } considered a food, the Cleveland Indians are considered a professional } baseball team, and every citizen in southeastern Europe is rapidly } becoming his or her own sovereign nation can be considered anything but } an amusing facsimile of "interesting". } } But the Oracle digresses. Let us consider the question one } phrase at a time. } } > "Don't you think..." } } The Oracle is offended at such a blasphemous insinuation. With } such an infinite store of wisdom upon which to draw, it is quite } obvious that the Oracle need not think whatsoever. The proof, as they } say, is left to the reader in his own pudding. } } > "...this whole thing..." } } The seeker has been somewhat vague in his or her choice of } phrasing. To what could one be refering as "this whole thing?" } Existence? Computing? An advertising juggernaut which has yielded the } "Salad Shooter", the "Pocket Fisherman", AND "Vanilla Ice"? These are } hardly worthwhile topics for discussion, but their inherent values (or } lack thereof) are predicated more on their complete absurdity rather } than any lack of interest. } } Perhaps it is the mystery of the Oracle which bores the seeker. } Here, too, the Oracle must object most strongly. The Oracle offers a } proof by induction.: } } PREMISE: The Oracle is not boring. } } N = 1: The Oracle did not write a long treatise on the advantages of } Phillips head screws vs. flathead screws, widely recognized as } the most boring topic of all time, in the Year 1 AD. } } Let this be true for all N, with the additional observation that the } Oracle draws on past knowledge for future Oracularities. } } Induction Step: If the Oracle did not write such a treatise in Year N } AD, then the Oracle will not write such a treatise in } Year N+1 AD. } } QED. } } > "...is getting rather boring?" } } The Oracle points out the inherent logical flaw in this question. } Either the seeker wishes to imply that the proverbial "whole thing", as } it were, is boring or is not boring. If it IS boring, then it cannot } be GETTING boring. If it is NOT boring, then it is, by definition, not } getting boring, as the Oracle is one of the few "things" in the } Universe which is constant and unchanging, along with the } aforementioned Cleveland Indians' singular ineptitude. } } The Oracle demands that you watch three (cricket) test matches } over the next year and asks you to reconsider what "boring" might mean. --- 469-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Pointed, Who knows that the word "point" refers not > only to the unit of measurement of type but also to the 1/100th part > of a carat: What's the point? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Getting to that point again, are we? } } Many people of the Earth have uttered, "What's the point?" many } times throughout history. Most of the time, nothing much comes of it. } However, on rare occasions, something unusual happens. } } Here, lemme rewind the history recorder for you so you can see... } } } ....................................................... } } ...ees nac uoy os uoy rof yrotsih dniwer emmel ,ereH } } .sepah lusunu nihtems ,noiscco err n ,rveo } .i osmchu nho ei h oto ythugr mtn toe tW,rte rhod e } :romFk skja ddd^%s db 3jk sjkd jksd,s.f alkdf; dkjf " sdjdfj } dflksd84 fnbxc,c873 fjkskjf akhkew d8i2 dlka dlksajh BDKJGd;lk jkehj } LKF d fjf wo8e f j dkj hfkjsjgd fd9o2juecb lskdh lgksjgslkf } ks~r^?{t(w3xxxXXxx } } "What? Where did this sea come from? It wasn't here last } month!!" } "Moses! What do we do now?" } "Look! They're coming!" } "Swim for it!!!" } "We'll drown. What's the point?" } KRACK-OOOMMM!!! } "What the...? How'd *this* happen?" } "Who cares? Run!" } "No one's going to believe us. I hope someone's writing all this } down..." } } } } dkjh diu dkjhfoiuwuLKU GIUDLI teli. ~r~rxxxXXXXxx{_{_^?{w3t($cxnmakj s } dkj } } } "Let us give thanks..." } "Why? He's dead." } "It's Sunday, and he taught us to do this every week." } "What for?" } "He said he'll be back. If he finds us slacking off..." } "He'll WHAT? They nailed him up Friday, you twit. The man's a } stiff." } "But we promised." } "What you mean *WE*, paleface? We were having a great time until } *he* came along. Stonings, orgies, making a tidy sum at the temple... } Then in waltzes this guy fresh off the cart from Bethlehem, next thing } you know we're taking vows of celibacy, dunking people in the river } every week, and feeding thousands of people for *free* with herring and } stale sourdough. I've had it! I'm gonna go have some fun." } "You're gonna sit down, Thomas, and finish this." } "Cram it, Peter. He's gone now. What's the point?" } KA-POWFTHKCHUNKdaboompTHUD! } "I'm back." } "Uh, gosh, man, I thought you " } "I find your lack of faith disturbing." } } } } fkjd lflk a DKJH KA dl rfoc (*&kjF KJHS d873*&4 J~rw3t(^?{_djh } ekkkkxx } } } "FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN, LEND ME YOUR EARS!!" } "What'd he say?" } "He said, 'Lend me some beers.'" } "You sure?" } "No. The acoustics in this place suck." } "Yeah, especially since that far wall fell down." } "THE MAJOR EVENTS OF THE DAY DO FOLLOW!!" } "What?" } "The flavored nuts of the bay are shallow." } "That doesn't make any sense." } "I know. I hate getting the daily news like this. Why don't } they just write it down so we can read it?" } "I don't think there's a stone wall big enough." } "OUR GLORIOUS EMPORER HAS MET WITH FOREIGN LEADERS..." } "Our floor penis *what?*" } "No, our glorious imploder.... Oh, what's the point?" } chik-CRASH!! } *rrRRRROOOOOWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!* } "AAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" } "Wow! Where'd that lion come from?" } "I don't know, but this is much better!" } "Hey, check out the two guys trying to help." } "Hey, I know them!" } "Yeah?" } "Yeah. The one on the left is Nitrus. The other guy's } Laserius." } "Wow, they're really getting into it. They should do this every } week." } "Yeah, but who's going to tell us about this news event?" } } } } kjdh js kj==fd kd f=04 su jks8376 sjkg ss872*&$6 sh^$32mKJ ~r_[{w3//xxx } } } } "So where is it?" } "Be patient." } "I've *been* patient. I've been waiting for *months* for the } sword you promised. And we've been out here in this miserable boat } each and every night for the past three weeks." } "The forces of nature are not ours to command." } "I don't want to command them, just hurry them up a bit." } "A great leader must know patience, Uther." } "Merlin, I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm hungry. Let's call it a } night." } "No, we must not lose our resolve." } "I could pay a page to do this for us." } "A page is not meant to become King. Now be still and keep } looking." } "Oh, what's the point?" } "DON'T SAY THA..." } KRACK-SSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! } "THERE IT IS!" } "Yes, right through the boat. Thanks a whole smegging bunch." } "I've got it! Get us moving!" } "Oh, sure. We're sinking, I'm a 900-year-old man, and you're } wearing full plate armor. Yeah, I can row us to shore. No problem. } Get a grip." } "Well, cast a spell or something!" } "Hmmm.... Okay..." } *poof!* } "(hey! what'd you do? what's happened to me?)" } "I've turned you into a cork. <*plug*> Now keep quiet until I } get us back..." } } } } lksjd *&498ndx8tk3bx6v9ym vc83 g9vh3 69hC84NA84hs fkj } 389~rxxxxXXXXX^?{_{w3 } } } "We're headed *WHERE*????" } "India." } "But that's *EAST*!!!!" } "'Ats-a right." } "But we're sailing *WEST*!!!!" } "Yous-a pretty smart, aren't ya?" } "The phrase 'Fucking Moron' comes to mind..." } "No, look-a here. You see, if yous-a look at the world like-a } so, then when-a you sail west, yous-a end up on-a the east side." } "You got some bad salami somewhere, Chris." } "No, it's-a simple. Look..." } "I don't have to look! You're an idiot! Everyone knows the } world is flat!" } "Ah, yous-a never understand. What's-a the point?" } KUFFFFFMMMMMPPPPPPCCHHKK!!!!! } "Good God! LAND!" } "Hey! Whos-a put-a this *continent* here?" } } } } dlkh dfo (*KFD98iukjhg764 fiyTRV O8f8OVFOUfu08O76RHF } djhxxxxxXXXXX~r~r^? } } } "What do you think, honey?" } "It smells *awful*." } "Horse shit smells worse." } "Horses also make less noise. What's it supposed to do?" } "Get in." } "Okay, but what does it *do*?" } "Observe, my sweet." } *lurch* } "Eeep! We're moving!" } "Precisely." } "But how...?" } "An internal combustion engine. Like a steam engine, only } without the water." } "Is this what you've been tinkering with in the shed the past few } months?" } "Yep. I just got it working yesterday." } "How'd you get it out the door?" } "Er... Uh... Well, that's going to take some explaining..." } "Henry, this is the stupidest damn thing you've ever done. Look } out for the horse." } "Yes, dear." } "I mean, you've come up with some real doozies in the past... } Watch for the bicycle..." } "Yes, dear." } "But this takes the prize. Look out for the gulley on the } right..." } "Yes, dear." } "I mean, who could possibly be interested in a noisy, smelly, } horseless carriage? The idea!" } "Oh, what's the point?" } "LOOK OUT!" } CRASHinktkump!! } "Now, you've done it, Henry." } "Good afternoon, sir. May I see your license, registration, and } proof of insurance?" } } } } hj fgKJHD^475298%@743$92832^?^G_{w3~rw3t( dhg29^#bsHdkhgskjKd^%^5jn w3 } } } } "Have you seen the latest sales figures?" } "Yeah, not bad." } "Not bad??!? They're terrible!! We should be selling ten times } as many copies!!" } "Well, the product is a little overpriced..." } "Overpriced my ass! We're the standard; where else are they } going to go?" } "Yeah, but the package costs almost as much as the machine it } runs on. And you won't fix the bugs." } "If I fix the bugs, then the new release will be *incompatible* } with the old one, and I'll have to rewrite all my programs." } "What are you doing writing programs that depend on buggy } behavior?" } "Hey, I know how the interpreter works internally, so I can } write code to make the best of it. If I change it, they won't run as } well." } "But everyone else's will run better." } "So what? We're in this to make money. If they don't like our } BASIC, they can go somewhere else." } "That's not why everyone else is in this business..." } "They're all egalitarian idiots. We'll be around long after } they're dead and gone." } "But they're doing cool stuff." } "Are they making money? What's their price/earnings ratio? } What's their annual profit? Hell, they don't even know what that stuff } means." } "You don't get it, do you?" } "No, *you* don't get it. Egalitarianism is not the way to do } business. Why *give* them something when they want it so bad they're } willing to *pay* for it? Why waste resources fixing bugs when it's not } going to improve sales? We aren't in this for our health..." } "Oh, what's the point?" } KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK } t-chk-chk } "Yes?" } "Mr. Gates?" } "Yes..." } "We're from IBM. We'd like to contract you to do an operating } system for a new computer we're building. Can you write it?" } "No, but I can buy someone else's and kluge it up a bit..." } "Great, that'll do. Thanks." } "Sure. See ya." } "Bill, you're the luckiest damn sum-bitch on the face of the } Earth." } "Ain't I, though?" } } } } jhg875JV 7 tgfjhgf 86 h*&^%65V u% CFUS76~rw3t(_{^?{^?{dkj&35nzBax } } } } % mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } Subject: tell me } } Oh Oracle Most Pointed, Who knows that the word "point" refers not } only to the unit of measurement of type but also to the 1/100th part } of a carat: What's the point? } ^D } Cc: } % } "Excuse me, are you the, uh, 'sysadmin'?" } "Yes, ma'am. May I help you?" } "Someone told me you can show me how to get on Usenet?" } "Oh sure, just type 'rn' at the percent prompt." } "Okay.... Uh...." } "Is there something else?" } "Well, yes, there is, but it's a little embarrassing..." } "Go ahead, nothing fazes me. That's why I have this job." } "Well.... Um.... How do I get to the bondage stuff?" } "You mean alt.sex.bondage?" } "I guess..." } "That's easy; let me show you..." } *tick tick tap tick tap tap tick* } "...And then you type 'g alt.sex.bondage' and you're there." } "Great. You sure this is okay? It's not going to upset anyone?" } "Well, if this were Canada, it might, but it doesn't bother me. } I read it myself sometimes when I'm not busy." } "You do?" } "Yeah, occasionally..." } "I never knew *anyone* else who was into that." } "Well, I'm not really 'into' it in a really deep sense..." } "Could you tell me what you know?" } "...Uh.... Well, you can do that on the net..." } "I'd much rather talk about it with someone I know." } "You didn't know me three minutes ago..." } "Yeah.... But I'd feel much more comfortable if_yt(ou ~rhw3elped } ^?{me ~rg~rw3t(_{_{^?&^%83dhagg } } *snap* *flp flp flp flp flp flp flp flp...* } } Damn. } } You owe The Oracle a tape splicer. --- 469-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle of Meteoric Proportions, > > Is it true that, "Into each life some rain must fall?" If so, > how much? Should you carry a spare umbrella? Even in Ethiopia? > > Signed, High and Dry And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear mistaken supplicant, } It is not true that "Into each life some rain must fall". On the } other hand, it is completely true that "Into peach pie some train must } fall". This in fact happened in late 1972 on the rail line between } Kiev and Uzbekistan in the USSR, but the government hushed it up } completely and destroyed all records. Sadly, we will not find any } trace of the Great Peach Pie Train Disaster even when the secret files } of the KGB are made public (Al Copone's Vault had a complete copy of } the documentation, but thieves got the the vault a day before Geraldo } Rivera). The details are as follows: } } 11/26/72, 8:45 AM: The 8:00 train pulls out of the Kiev train station } at the usual time, carrying 240 people, two } engineers, six conductors, two KGB agents } disguised as conductors, and seventeen CIA agents } disguised as KGB agents disguised as conductors. } } 9:15 AM: The train passes through Chernobyl, now carrying 240 people, } two engineers, six conductors, seven KGB agents } disguised as conductors, and twelve CIA agents } disguised as KGB agents disguised as conductors. } } 9:37 AM: The train, well on its way, is now carrying 240 people, two } conductors disguised as engineers, two engineers } disguised as CIA agents disguised as KGB agents } disguised as conductors, four conductors, six } KGB agents disguised as conductors, one dead KGB } agent disguised as a dead conductor, ten CIA } agents disguised as KGB agents disguised as } conductors, and two dead CIA agents disguised } as dead KGB agents disguised as dead conductors. } } 10:30 AM: The train is now only twenty miles from its date with } destiny at the Glorious October Revolution } People's Peach Pie Production Plant (which, } incidentally, employs only secret agents from } western-bloc nations). The train now carries } four KGB agents disguised as conductors disguised } as engineers, two dead conductors disguised as } dead engineers, two dead engineers disguised as } dead CIA agents disguised as dead KGB agents } disguised as dead conductors, one conductor, two } KGB agents disguised as conductors, eight CIA } agents disguised as KGB agents disguised as } conductors, one dead KGB agent (undisguised), two } dead CIA agents (undisguised), three conductors } disguised as passengers and hiding in the ladies' } room, and two CIA agents disguised as passengers } and hiding in the men's room, 230 passengers, and } 10 dead passengers disguised as CIA agents. } } 10:57 AM: The train no longer has an engineer, disguised or otherwise. } Taking a corner to fast, it tips over on a } sharp turn, rolls down an embankment, and } plunges through the roof of the GORPPPPP, } falling in the middle of the gigantic peach } pie that was being prepared for the 1968 May } Day celebration. 230 passengers of the train } were rescued, as well as two KGB agents and } four CIA agents, all disguised as engineers. } Civil investigators were unable to explain the } presence of five dead KGB agents, eight dead } CIA agents, two dead engineers, and six dead } conductors, all disguised as Groucho Marx and } stuffed into the ladies' room. } } And so you see, the gruesome fate of the Kiev-Uzbekistan express was } predicted by the timeworn saying "Into peach pie, some train must } fall". } } You owe the Oracle a presidential campaign based on getting the trains } to run ahead of schedule. --- 469-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Always The Last To Know The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great sweaty one: > Is it bad manners to gut midgets in public, or may this be > safely done in crowded restaurants? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >> Is it bad manners to gut midgets in public, or may this be } >> safely done in crowded restaurants? } } First off, I'm not sweating. This is water from the pool where Lisa } and I were skinny-dipping. You only wish it were sweat, you poor } excuse for a groveling inquirerer. Expect a to be delivered } by regular mail. } } Now then, back to the gutting of midgets. There are correct ways } to gut midgets, and incorrect ways. The gutting done in Monty } Python's "Meaning Of Life" (the organ donor scene) was done } incorrectly. If you are going to gut a midget, then a few certain } precautions should be taken. } } First, never use a dull blade. Dull blades are boring, and make } poor coversation. The proper kind of knife to use can be found } by referring to table 1 below, "Kind of Knife To Use When Gutting } A Midget" } } Second, the gutting should be done in a central area. If there is } a stage or a bar, then use that. If not, then you can grab a table } in the center of the restaurant and clear off the settings. Once the } midget has been securely fastened to the table, begin to explain } what you are about to do. There will be some patrons that have } never seen a gutting before, and should therefore be allowed to know } what they're about to see. } } The gutting should _NOT_ produce large splurts of blood. That is } in bad taste. Cut carefully so that you don't end up spraying the } others in the restaurant. Once he has been properly gutted, cleaned } and deboned, cut him into small pieces and cook there. Again, the } kind of cooking supplies to use depend on the kind of midget. } Refer to table 2: "Kind of Cooking To Be Used With Midget" } } Now, you'll have a nice tasty treat to share with the other patrons. } Be sure to serve with a vegtable and potato. } } Table 1: Kind of Knife To Use When Gutting A Midget } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } Kind of Midget Kind of knife } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } French Bread knife } English Butter knife (all those crumpets) } Japanese Ginsu } American Chainsaw * } Klingon Knife with fold out wings (ala ST:III) } Amber Wait for one of his syblings } Hobbit "Sting" } Taun-taun Lightsaber } } Table 2: Kind of Cooking To Be Used With Midget } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } Kind of Midget Kind of cookware } ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ } French Conventional oven. Serve with wine. } English Serve with tea. } Japanese Wok } American Microwave } Klingon Serve alive } Amber Depends on shadow } Hobbit Open fire } Taun-taun Frozen } } You owe the Oracle dinner. --- 469-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most tasty Oracle, > whose spice adds to every meal and who now has *50% less* calories > per kilogramm, > please tell me: > How long have Corn Flakes been around on Earth before somebody had > the idea to actually *eat* that stuff? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, supplicant, corn flakes aren't actually made of corn. They are a } type of fungus which is found only in *very* rural sections of Kansas } and Nebraska. About six hundred years ago, they were discovered by a } tribe of Indians known as the Kelloggs. The Kelloggs, intrigued by the } texture of this fungus, attempted to build with it. This was } discontinued after the first rainstorm wiped out the entire village. } The Kelloggs continued to cultivate the fungi, however, hoping that } they would discover a use for them eventually. } } Three hundred years after that, the Kelloggs had developed huge fields } of the flake fungi. They had still found no use for it, but were } working on a way to waterproof it so they could build with it again. } About this time, the Europeans came rampaging through America, killing } as many Indians as possible and taking over the land. The Kelloggs } were wiped out, and as the last was dying, he shouted "Annatakka meyno } shoka eat nomo curn flaykes!" which translates, "I hope you build your } house with those, you &*%$@*!" The man who killed him, on hearing this, } said "What? Eat no more corn flakes?" and proceeded to break one off a } log and munch on it. } } Europeans being as money-minded as they are, it is not surprising that } not only did this "food" get marketed, but people actually came to } believe it was healthy. } } You owe the Oracle a way to keep his corn flakes crunchy after he pours } milk on them. --- 469-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O most wise and knowing oracle. Giver of knowledge most unknown, > please answer my most humble of questions: > > On Star Trek, the Next Generation, Data once quoted a lymeric: > > There once was a young girl from Venus > Whose body was shaped like a . . . > > I never got to find out how the rest of it went. O oracle, please > complete this limeric for me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The poem that Data was stopped from reciting was not a limeric, } but an obscure 22nd century poetry form called "The 11 faces of Eve". } It is similar to the 19th century "Exquisite Corpse" technique, except } the poet uses nanite-based pharmaceuticals to temporarily fragment } the mind into 11 segments - a type of artificial schizophrenia. Each } mind fragment takes control and writes one line of poetry after reading } only the line produced by the previous fragment. The poem in question } was Data's own creation after a bit judicious use of a wireclipper } and ceiling mirror. (Geordy was able to resolder most of the } connections the next morning, but that's one hangover Data will never } forget.) The poem: } } There once was a young girl from Venus } Whose body was shaped like a humanoid life form } Hear her! Hear her roar! } In numbers too great, too great, to ignore! } And yet ... darkness } Darkness } Be my pillow } Cause she knows not to pretend } Cause she's been down there on the floor } And she aint never gonna get back down again } Nevermore } } Notice that the 11 part mental fragmentation is incomplete: it looks } like only 5 or 6 pseudopersonalities were involved in writing. } Furthermore, Data, as is his wont, simply plagiarizes bits and pieces } from historic giants of the poetic world. All together, about a D- } effort. } } Interestingly, Data was stopped in mid-recitation because Picard } thought the next word would be "Cunnilingus". This is just like a } Frenchman, to assume everything is a crass reference to sex. If the } poem _had_ been a limerick, it would have been the tasteful: } } There once was a young girl from Venus } Whose body was shaped like a bus } We all piled in } To go for a spin } And I ended up needing a truss. } } You owe the oracle a word that rhymes with "door hinge". --- 469-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: Personnel Department > To: The Usenet Oracle > Subject: Oracular Priests Performance Report -- Second Quarter 1992 > > Please review this quarter's Priests Performace Summary. As > usual, please recommend any appropriate personnel actions. > > Average Number of > Oracularity Oracularities High Low > Priest Score Published Score Score > --------------------------------- ----------- ------------- ----- ----- > dvk (Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein)) 3.60 1 3.6 3.6 > ewhac (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) 3.57 6 4.5 2.6 > csf7m (Carole Susan Fungaroli) 3.38 13 3.8 3.0 > porter (Russell S Porter) 3.29 7 3.6 3.0 > karyanta (Karyanta) 3.25 8 4.0 2.6 > davis () 3.22 9 4.3 2.4 > mcgee (RICH MCGEE) 3.17 10 4.2 2.8 > buck (Jesse Buckley) 3.13 12 3.7 2.6 > dcharlet (dale charletta) 3.10 9 3.6 2.2 > disser (Dave Disser) 3.02 11 4.0 1.8 > noe (Roger Noe) 3.02 9 3.6 2.4 > mcglk (Ken McGlothlen) 3.01 12 3.7 2.3 > forbes () 2.98 10 3.6 2.4 > bremner (David Bremner) 2.98 8 3.4 2.7 > clhp19 (Clutching at Straws) 2.97 23 4.2 1.9 > nolan (Harold the Foot) 2.96 18 3.8 2.2 > dsew (David Sewell) 2.95 11 3.3 2.2 > 4164 (Otis Viles) 2.95 2 3.0 2.9 > mzintl (Michael Zintl) 2.91 16 3.5 2.2 > jhm (The Lion of Symmetry) 2.90 21 3.7 2.4 > squid (The Great Squid) 2.90 4 3.2 2.3 > sgccmmc (Mark McCafferty) 2.89 24 3.6 1.9 > asbestos (Michael A. Atkinson) 2.87 18 3.8 2.0 > cep (Christophe Pettus) 2.82 16 3.6 2.0 > stcmille (Stephen C. Miller) 2.80 12 3.3 2.0 > radel (Todd Radel) 2.79 22 3.3 2.4 > greg (Greg Wohletz) 2.67 7 3.3 2.1 > gt2126b (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) 2.64 14 3.1 2.3 > engel (Mike Engelhardt) 2.48 5 2.8 1.9 > jonmon (Jonathan Monsarrat) 2.20 1 2.2 2.2 > mycroft () 2.20 1 2.2 2.2 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle commends all of its fine priests, and sees no reason } to mention the merengue-wax-paper-and-Wesson-oil incident involving the } anonymous priests Carole, Rich, Ken, Mark, and the Squid and the } Landers sisters. Clearly the charges against Leo are patently false } (although the Oracle is still waiting for his cut), and the Oracle } shall not comment further on the "Party Cruise with Dan Quayle and The } New Kids On The Block" debacle, except to say, "Shame! Shame!" and } "Where are my negatives?" } } In fact, any priest earning a score of 4 or more on an } Oracularity shall forthwith be rewarded with a hand-carved liverwurst } statue of their favorite left-handed Scientologist. Any priest with an } average score of 3 or better shall receive a free copy of the } best-seller, "Acting, the Lou Ferrigno Way!". Those priests meeting } neither of these qualifications shall be relegated to the little-known } Eleventh Circle of Hell, where they will be taught by the esteemed } faculty: Tammy Bakker on Hygiene, Lyndon LaRouche on The Role of the } Monarchy in Modern Drug Trade, Bob Dylan's Speech Therapy, and McLean } Stevenson's Making It in Television. } } You owe the Oracle a thesis comparing the results of a } five-factor factor analysis to a cluster analysis, or the } aforementioned negatives. --- 469-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > First I get down on my knees, > fiddle with my rosaries, > bow my head in great respect and... > GENUFLECT! GENUFLECT! GENUFLECT! > > So, what do you think? Will California split into 2 states (North and > South, and I mean POLITICALLY, not because of a 'quake)? If so, why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow, far out dude. this is like totally bizarre, my very first day } as an Oracle and aready some dude with a question related to my } state of being! } Well, you see, in California there's, like, a totally different } attitude to life. There's the laid back, essentially open, honest, } cool calm and collected (THE WUMPUS IS COMPING TO GET ME!) way of } living, and on the other hand we have the totally unrealistic way } in which the rest of the world views such essentail SHARED resources } as money, food, Grateful Dead CDs, network news and image storage } space. It's not North and South California; It's Berkeley & } un-Berkeley. So just take care to be on the right side of the fence } when they wall us in. } } You owe the Oracle nothing - capatalism is'nt the Oracle's thing at the } moment.