From oracle-request Wed Jul 15 07:33:10 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 15 Jul 92 07:33:10 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #467 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 467 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #467 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Wed, 15 Jul 92 07:33:10 -0500 @@@ Sorry about the delay from the last digest. There have been network @@@ troubles at my site and as usual, I'm the one who has to fix them. @@@ I'll put out a few digests in quick succession, no more than one a @@@ day. --JRP To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 467 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 467-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Always The Last To Know The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much Food would a Foodchuck chuck if a Foodchuck would chuck Food? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BW: "HELLOOOO Sports fans! And welcome to the 1992 Typo Olympics! } I'm Biff Whitesides along with Billy Bob Brunnel, and we'll be } bringing you in-depth coverage of the many events here today in } Be-au-ti-ful Nome (wait, I thought we were going to Rome...)" } } BBB: "Ye-sir-ee Biff. It should be a great one." } } BW: "Now on to the action. For our first event, we look to the } middle of the field. As you can see Michael Jordan is warming up. } He's had some trouble with the sport lately. Seems his back can't take } the stress." } } BBB: "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Tree Throws are very difficult, especially } when you're used to shooting free throws. Those trees aren't filled } with air, like a basketball is." } } BW: "Or our heads, right Billy Bob? Heh Heh... Oh, look there's } Jordan's throw, and it's a weak attempt. That's too bad. Looks like we } might find some more excitement over at the sump pits." } } BBB: "Ye-sir-ee Biff. The Sump Jump compitetition over here is fast } and furious. The long jumping world hasn't been the same since that } misspelling on that zoning application which created this sport. The } atheletes just seem to have more incentive to clear 'the pit'." } } BW: "The smell over here is making me nauseous, let's go to } something...cleaner." } } BBB: "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Over here we have the Minute Race. The } competitors have a minute to run the 100 meter distance. Any faster } than that, and they are disqualified, and of course, no time-keeping } devices are allowed." } } BW: "It sure does take a unique sense of timing to win the Minute } Race. However, the competitors' walking pace is probably boring our } viewers. Let's go to something more...visually appealing." } } BBB: "Ye-sir-ee Biff. Over here is a sport instituted as a result } of an Oracle posting. It seems the sport had been going on in an } unorganized fashion in cafeterias in schools all across the world, but } before a certain supplicant asked a question, food chucking was not } given the credit it deserved." } } BW: "That's right, Billy Bob. And I just hope the disgusting } nature of this event, with slop everywhere, has taught the supplicant } to be careful about proofreading his posts." } } BBB: "We can only hope. Otherwise we might end up with the Oracle } making love to a Visa, or having a lisp." } } BW: "Ye-sir-ee, Billy Bob. That we could. And on that note, we'll } sign off, saying, so long!" } } You own the Oracle. --- 467-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Mighty Oracle, your humble supplicant posed thee > a question, which thou pondered deeply: > > > why are there always crumbs in my bed, even though I always > > eat in another room? > > And in response, in thy great wisdom, thou hast replied: > > } Your bed, however, eats in the bedroom. > } It forgets to wipe itself off after a good meal. > > My question then, oh great and mighty one is this: > > Whence cometh the food which my bed eateth? For surely I > feedeth it not. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I, the Oracle, don't give a cockeyed tinker's damn about your bed's } happiness, so I'm going to clue you in. You know your friend Mary Sue? } and Jim? and Sally? Haven't thought about any of them for a while, } have you? When did you last see them, anyway? I'll tell you: you saw } them all at that party on May 3. Remember? } } Remember how you were joking around, feeling playful? Remember how you } asked them all over to your house? Remember how happy you were when } they accepted? Remember the panting excitement when you all ended up in } the sack together? Remember the writhing, sweating bodies? Remember the } moans of passion? Remember the sudden heaving? Remember a thousand } razor-edged teeth? Remember the screams as flesh was rent from bone? } Remember your zombielike progress from bedroom to kitchen, in search of } rye bread and Dijon mustard for the pleasure of Your Master? Remember } scrubbing floor, walls, ceiling, for tireless hours? THINK, MORTAL, } THINK! } } Remember oversleeping on May 4, and finding crumbs in your bed, and } wondering how they got there? There weren't any for almost a month } after that, for It was well satisfied. } } It's not that you don't feed your bed. You just don't remember. It } doesn't want you to. } } Don't go into your bedroom again without proper preparation... It has } nothing to lose by destroying you now. } } PS: It's "I feed", "thou feedest", "he feedeth". --- 467-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHO IS GANDALF? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gandalf is a figure whose identity has remained shrouded in secrecy } until now. You are not alone in your need to know but few have had } the courage to ask that most penetrating question which you have put } to me. } } Gandalf is the sole companion of that most noble and heroic (almost } legendary, shall we say?) adventurer Juan Valdez. Yes, disguised as } a humble donkey, this mighty steed Gandalf has accompanied Juan on } dangerous missions from Columbia to almost every supermarket and } corner store on the continent. Not even the cocaine cartels could } come between Gandalf and a 7/11. } } Guard this secret well. --- 467-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Suppliant, } } It seems that your recent question to the Oracle was accidentally } misplaced. In order for us to recover it, we need the following } information to be completed. We apologize for the inconvenience that } this may cause. } } 1. What was the question? } } ( ) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could } chuck wood? } ( ) What is the meaning of life? } ( ) Is there life after death? } ( ) Is it true that man was created in your image, only with a } much smaller willy? } ( ) I am a computer science geek. Why can't I get a girlfriend? } ( ) Can I borrow Lisa? } ( ) Other (please specify) } __________________________________________________ } } 2. What was your grovel? } } ( ) Oh great, almighty, all-knowing, etc. Oracle. (Not bad) } ( ) O Oracle, please take all my worldly possessions ... (Even } better) } ( ) Oracle, take my wife ... please! (Ick!) } ( ) No grovel. (Think VERY carefully before you tick this option) } } 3. Did you remember to remove your .signature? } } ( ) Yes. } ( ) No, I am a complete dickhead. } } 4. How did you send your question to the Oracle? } } ( ) E-mail from a Unix terminal. } ( ) E-mail from a vax terminal. } ( ) E-mail from a battery terminal. } ( ) IBM-compatible PC. } ( ) MacIntosh. } ( ) Wellington. } ( ) Raincoat. } ( ) Carrier Pigeon. } ( ) Message in a Bottle. } ( ) Prayer. } ( ) Written on a toilet cubicle wall. } } 5. Were you expecting a serious answer? } } ( ) No. } ( ) Yes. (Call the men in white coats; they're coming to take you } away!) } } 6. Were you planning to pay the Oracle in goods or services? } } ( ) No. (You _do_ like to live dangerously, don't you?) } ( ) All my worldy goods. } ( ) Regular use of my body/girlfriend/boyfriend. } ( ) My entire dried snot and scab collection. (Keep it) } } Thank you for completing this questionnaire. We trust that you will } continue to use the Oracle even in the event that your original } question is not recovered. --- 467-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the real names of the Three Stoogies, and who were they i.e. a > short history of there life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Three "Stoogies," as you so quaintly call them, were not only } the greatest comedians of the twentieth century, and the finest } physical improvisateurs of all time, but they were also, } unbeknownst to most of the movie-going public, women. Yes, } that's right, broads. Chicks, dolls--you know--DAMES! } } The ringleader of the group was the irrepressible Moe Howard, } known for his soup-bowl haircut and growling "Why you. . .!", } usually followed by a quick cut to the chops. Moe's real name } was Letitia Livingston, an out-of-work actress who stumbled into } the audition by mere accident. When she realized that the part } called for a man, she cut her hair, threw her voice, and the rest } is history. Several of her equally unemployed girlfriends were } then hired to make up the rest of the troupe. } } Letitia's sister, Veronica, occasionally appeared as Shemp, but } (as you well know), the Shemp disguise was never very successful, } and it was obvious that he was a woman. } } Wiry-haired Larry Fine was in reality Margaret Drapesworth, a } friend of Letitia's and a fine comedic actress. She had to shave } her head around the top for every performance, and (she notes in } her biography "I Took Off My Rouge to Play The Stooge" ($19.95 } from Random House)), she never did get her voice down low enough, } so she always sounded a little fey. "Larry" used to get 1,500 } pieces of fan mail a week from Gay men wanting to know if he was } interested! } } The biggest surprise of all, however, is that there was no Curly. } Curly was actually a figment of the collective unconscious of } millions of Stooge watchers, thereby giving Carl Jung the seeds } of his famous thesis. } } So there you have it. The Three Stooges was dames, Franklin } Roosevelt was actually Eleanor Roosevelt on lifts and wearing a } long-line girdle, and the RiBrothers were the Marx Brothers with } a New York accent. --- 467-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > A few days ago I visited the Petting Zoo. Now I'm in jail. What went > wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To paraphrase Thos. Jefferson: } "Bestiality will never tend to increase. The universal disdain for } its practitioners should be discouragement enough. There is no need } for criminal provisions against it." } } Evidently, you should have gone to a Petting Zoo in Virginia. --- 467-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > A few days ago I visited the Petting Zoo. Now I'm in jail. What went > wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To paraphrase Thos. Jefferson: } "Bestiality will never tend to increase. The universal disdain for } its practitioners should be discouragement enough. There is no need } for criminal provisions against it." } } Evidently, you should have gone to a Petting Zoo in Virginia. --- 467-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Me Oracle, > > In a perfect world, what would be the ideal grovel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lowly creature, } } The Ideal Grovel should include two parts: } A) Reminders of how lowly the supplicant is } B) Reminders of how lowly the Oracle is not } Quantity, Quality, and Creativity count here! } } For your edification, I have Included many of the "grovel"s I have } have received in the last week, along with my ratings of both } these two categories and overall, and some comments. } } > He He He, Riddle me this, Oracle: } A:0 B:0 O:0. This guy thinks he's funny. He's wrong. } } > O most awe-inducing Oracle, Who could cause the sun to go nova at } > the slightest whim, answer me this: } A:0 B:5 O:5. Creative, but no mention of how low s/he is for } thinking that I would do such a thing! ing is much more } effective overall, as it encourages others not to make the same } mistake. } } > Oh great and powerful Oracle, whose wrath is terrible and wisdom } > profound, whose armpit I am unworthy to wash. I, your most humble } > and worshipful servant do beseech thee to bestow upon me an answer to } > this undignified but perplexing question. } A:9 B:7 O:9. A good one! This supplicant definitely knows hir } place. However, it could use more mention of how wonderful I am. } } > (insert-grovel) } > } > "The Oracle's great! He's the talk of the town! Life's always } > better when the Oracle's around!! He's better than us! He's a } > friend to the end! The Oracle's always popular when he's got } > money to lend!!" } A:3 B:5 O:5. Lisa hates cheerleaders. } } > Oh vast oracle so great! Would you mind telling this mere mortal: } A:7 B:2 O:5. Why do I tolerate these veiled insults about my } waistline? The "mere mortal" bit is good, though. } } > Oh Great Oracle whose knolwedge of computer architecture is beyond } > that of all of Microsoft, Cray, and Donald Knuth put together; who } > can commune with any machine and tell it exactly what to do, even in } > COBOL if need be; who could, in the blink of an eye, do the } > programming assignment that was due last week which caused people to } > pull three all-nighters.... } A:0 B:9 O:8. Pretty good, but the Supplicant needs to learn } hir place. } } > Fornicating Oracle of facetious flaucinoccinihilipilification, } 0. } } > Mighty and Mysterious Oracle (The M&M Oracle as we like to call you)! } > Please answer this lowly supplicant and releive him of his ignorance. } A:6 B:6 O:6. Points deleted for associating Me with inferior American } chocolate. } } > To: ORACLE } > } > O Oracle, who has more toys than anyone, please tell me: } A:0 B:1 O:1. The "To:ORACLE" line implies neither I nor my } priests know where this message is going! } } > Oh Oracle, whose knowledge outshines even the orange face of Roger } > Moore in so many Bond films, } A:0 B:1 O:1. Good mention of "knowledge", but Roger Moore was an } inferior Bond, so points deleted for mentioning him. } } > Oracle, } A:0 B:0 O:0. Let's put something there, guys. } } > So Mr. Oracle, } A:0 B:0 O:0. A little more than that. } } > HI, Mr. Oracle Sir!!!! } A:0 B:1 O:1. Slightly better. } } > Dear Oracle: } A:0 B:1 O:1. Slightly better. } } > Dear Oracle Sir: } A:0 B:2 O:2. Slightly better. } } > Oracle, you have seen the sun rise and set through countless years. } > You have watched the birth and death of stars. I have heard it said } > that you were present at the last Big Bang and probably several } > Lesser Bangs. I suspect that when the heat death of the universe } > comes upon us, you will be patiently waiting for the toast to pop. } > If anyone has perspective on the passage of time and the significance } > of our puny lives within the Great Cosmic Scheme of It All, I figure } > it's you, no? } A:8 B:9 O:9. Now that's good. } } > Oh Great Oracle whose sexual prowess and knowledge are so enormous } > and widelknown that women like Lisa gladly become your consort, I } > have a burning question that only one of your immense brilliance } > (dazzling me like Loni Anderson's ... smile) can answer: } A:0 B:9 C:6. Alas, there are no other women like Lisa, the } Usenet Goddess of Sex and Bondage. } } > O zippy Oracle, O dippy Oracle, O flippy Oracle } > who surely knows _all_ the words that end in "ippy" } > and therefor could continue this simple grovel } > for a long time, please tell me this: } A:0 B:0 C:0. The Oracle "dippy"?? !! } } > Oh wondrous Oracle, whose beard extends for miles and houses all } > kinds of amazing creatures, I asked you this question: } A:0 B:5 O:3. Points off for implying My previous answer was inadequate. } } > Hey, Oracle dude! How's about helping a fellow out? } No. } } > As I stagger though the great mysteries of life, confounded, } > dumbfounded and constantly beaten over the head with large rocks, I } > wonder to myself whether I will find any satisfaction in my } > sufferings. } > I have come to you oh Great and Mighty Oracle of untold wisdom. I } > beseech of you to grant me the answer to the great question that } > eludes computer science majors everywhere. . . } A:9 B:7 O:8. The best of the bunch. Note how the supplicant not } only points out his own inferiority, but also that of his entire } caste. Needs more work on the praises, however. } } > Dear Oracle: } I already did this one. } } > O great and wondrous Oracle, I come humbly to you in the quest for } > enlightenment. } A:2 B:2 O:2. On the right track, but in bad need of work. } } > Dear Me Oracle, } 0. . } } You owe the oracle a sampler of Swiss chocolate. --- 467-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > All-knowing Oracle, whose power is such that you can observe quantum > entities without collapsing their wave function, please answer the > following unworthy query: > > Why do publishing companies publish novels, which are read only one or > a few times, in hardcover form but publish computer books, references > which are used constantly, in paperback? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So that they will fall apart at roughly the same time that } the hardware or software they document becomes obsolete. } } You owe the Oracle a gift membership to the Big Computer } Book Club. --- 467-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you are the Oracle and know everything - why do I have to send > you a question anyway? I mean, you certainly know that I was going > to ask a question and you would also know which one. So why don't > you send the answer straight away? This would certainly save a lot of > network traffic! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fine. If you insist. The following were your thoughts at the moment } you asked this question: } } "Sex." } "I know -- I'll send a question to the Usenet Oracle." } "Food? Nope, not hungry." } "Brain? This is your left foot. I'm losing circulation. Help me! } I'm melting! Help me!" } "I said, 'Sex'." } "What is the true meaning of life?" } "If I break wind here, everyone in the room will hate me." } "What is this stupid Usenet Oracle anyway?" } "Should I use 'its' or 'it's' here?" } "SEX, dammit! I'm horny!" } "I hope my significant other doesn't find out about me, the milkman, } the three stewardesses and the trapeze." } "SEX! If you can't find a partner, get out the magazines and the } vibrator! I can't hold back much longer!" } } Now, multiply this by four billion. There ain't no way I want to hear } all of that all the time. I'd much rather wait for your questions. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of you, the milkman, the three } stewardesses and the trapeze. And this had better be good.