From oracle-request Tue Jul 7 08:00:29 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 7 Jul 92 08:00:29 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #466 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 466 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #466 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 7 Jul 92 08:00:29 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 466 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 466-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Lisa! Over here! > > "Come on Lisa, don't make me wait, > You Olympus girls start much too late > And sooner or later it comes down to fate, > I might as well be the one, > 'Cause only the Oracle dies young." > > Signed, > Billy Joel, Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I went down to the Usenet mailstop, } 'Cause my newsfeed was feelin' ill, } I was standing in line with Mr. Joel, } Who was puttin' the moves on my girl. } } You can't always get what you want, } You can't always get what you want, } But if you touch my gal, } It's curtains, pal, } You'll get fricasseed. } } K A - * Z O T * (*crackle*) } } You owe The Oracle a Rosary. On second thought, make it a Novena. --- 466-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, you almighty one... > > Can you please tell your humble supplicant where I can > find the "Losers quide to the life, 2nd Edition". I have > tried all local libraries and nobody seems to even have > heard of such. Well, neither have I... But I'd surely > like to find it. Thanks in advance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle regrets to inform you that `The Loser's Guide to Life' is } out of print, and has been ever since the publisher (Loose Concepts } Inc, of New Texas, Mars) lost both the .dvi file and their copy of } LaTeX to an unexpected disc crash three years ago. If you have a copy } of LaTeX, please send it to l.hooser@lossage.com.mars. } } However they have been able to piece together a few entries. You may } find the following items of interest: } } tea: This is not a losers drink. Losers drink diluted Marmite. } Sometimes they spill it over their keyboards. } } Only winners drink tea. Real winners drink Earl Gray hot. } } art: You can always tell a loser by the art they put on their walls. } } Losers: Winners: } Kids: ABBA posters. Exploded diagrams of } Concorde. } Students: ABBA posters. Escher prints. } Singles: Nothing. Escher prints. } Married: Losers are never Original oils by local } married long enough. artists. } Divorced: New Kids On The Block Nothing (Winners never } posters (to impress get divorced. } their new S.O.). } } hobbies: Losers have lots of hobbies, but they all have one aim: to } meet the opposite sex. Men who take woodwork or car } maintenance classes are beseiged by loosing women. Similarly } a woman unwise enough to set foot in the local fitness club } will spend all her time fending off tacky pick-up lines. } } Winners go hang-gliding or rock climbing, or some other sport } with enough danger to filter out all the losers that infest } everyday life. } } exams: Losers hate exams because they always come last. Winners love } them because they always come first. } } Losers never cheat, because they know they are bound to get } caught and coming bottom is better than being expelled. } } Winners never cheat. They could if they wanted to, but passing } honestly is less work and more fun. } } Its the kids in the middle who cheat. } } success: You don't have to be a winner to succeed, but it helps. } Despite this, there are some losers who have made it big. } Three of them are Robert Maxwell, Sir Clive Sinclair and R. } Buckminster-Fuller. --- 466-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose brain as near as I can tell must be bigger than > anything, even the Goodyear blimp, who says really really clever things > the likes of which most of the folks around here couldn't make up if we > tried with both hands, who could lick his weight in dobermans if'n you > was to get riled enough, I have a question. > > Is it just me, or do other people find smileys (e.g. :-) > somewhat condescending and rather irritating? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You bet I can lick my weight in Dobies! And if my date is really cute, } I can lick my weight...uh, maybe later. } } It's just you. Most people find ASCII faces (including smileys) to be } cute and creative. Which is not to say that they are, mind you. Some } of them will, in fact, reveal hidden Satanic codes when read backwards. } } They are also flame-retardant, i.e., the presence of a :) at the end of } a BBS post says to the reader: LISTEN, YOU HUMOR-IMPAIRED INBRED } LOSER, THIS WAS ONLY A JOKE, I'M NOT SERIOUS, QUIT PLAYING WITH } YOURSELF AND LIGHTEN UP, BONEHEAD. } } You owe the Oracle and ASCII centerfold. --- 466-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most hygienic Oracle! > What does that lint between my toes consist of? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One of the standard demonstrations about large number is that } given this many atoms of oxygen in our lungs at any given time, this } estimate of the number of atoms in the atmosphere, etc... the chances } are about 50-50 that at any given moment, we will have in our lungs an } atom exhaled by Julius Caesar in his dying breath ("Et tu, Brute?" } ). } Often omitted in such discussions is more prosaic but } statistically more interesting substances than oxygen. For instance, } outer surface of the Pyramid of Giza is entirely responsible for all the } dust that accumulates in the air filter for the little fan in the back } of your computer. Likewise, ear wax is composed of the oil that was } poured into the river when the Romans sacked Carthage, mixed with the } ashes created when the Great Fire of London occured. } So, the lint between your toes is 9/10 the dust from the burning } of the Great Library of Alexandria, and 1/10 the brain of Dan Quayle (it } was really quite large and useful until the aliens stole it at the age } of 2. But the government shot the flying saucer down and the brain was } atomized in the crash. Poor Dan). } } You owe the Oracle the rest of the Catalog to the Great Library } of Alexandria. --- 466-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, I've got some really interesting pictures of Lisa > gamboling friskily with a herd of leather-clad satyrs, taken > last Friday night when she was supposed to be at Arachne's > knitting party. If you can somehow manage to get me Ross > Perot's credit card number, I may be persuaded to conveniently > "lose" the photos *and* the negatives before my appointment > with reporters from the Acropolis Advocate. Meet me behind the > bath house at midnight. No questions. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, my, how CLEVER for one so young. And so ENTERPRISING. You seem } like a smart mortal, and I'll bet you're quite perceptive, too. } } (Crowds of priests and acolytes, who recognize The Oracle's sweet, } indulgent tone of voice as one of the primary danger signals, scurry } for whatever cover can be found. Besides, there was that disturbing } stress on the word "mortal.") } } QUITE perceptive, I'm sure. Look over there. See that building? } Yes, that's the one, the main offices of the _Advocate_. Notice } that strange glow coming from the editor's office? Observe how it } seems to spread, filling more of the building, glowing brighter, } until finally.... } } *** BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM *** } } (A loud, rolling explosion rattles windows all the way from Athens } to Thessaloniki. When the cloud clears, no trace of the building } remains. There is a puddle at the supplicant's feet.) } } Oh dear, looks like you had a little accident. Well, I hope you } enjoyed that display? I trust it will prove ... INSTRUCTIVE. } } "No questions," you said, and in fact you didn't ask any, but I'll } give you a few answers anyway. } } One: I know about Arachne's little party. Look closely at the third } satyr from the left in the picture you're holding in your trembling } little paw. Look familiar? Look again. Heh, heh. Our little } joke, you understand. } } Two: Ross Perot doesn't use or need a credit card. If he wants a } thing from a company, he buys it. Not the thing, the company. For } instance, right now he wants a thing called "the Presidency." Once } every four years, this thing is for sale by a company called "We, } the people." Contenders bid not only money (and lots of it, } brother!), but mostly promises and whatever soothing palaver the } shareholders of "We, the people" want to hear. Mr. Perot } understands this, and talks as good a game as any candidate. He } does not seem to understand the name of the company, but then, } neither do most of the shareholders. } } Three: Never, EVER try to pull a fast one on an omniscient being. } Now begone! } } You owe The Oracle your miserable life. And a set of 8x10 glossies. --- 466-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, master of all knowledge both common and arcane, > walker of all the roads that a man must go down, please honour > this unworthy supplicant with the answer to this burning question: > > Last night I had this terrible dream. I was in the middle of > this big crowd in this really wacky countryside scene. Then this > incredible LOUD voice boomed out, > > WHERE IS WALDO? > > So I ask my question (well, three questions actually): > > * Just what is the significance of this dang dream? > > * So where IS Waldo? > > * Who the _heck_ is Waldo anyway? > > 1048576 thanks, mighty one. Cheerio. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah Waldo. Up to his old tricks again, I see. } } His true name is Ensconso. Yes, the greek god of hiding. For a } millenia he has traveled the globe, picking up things and hiding them. } Being as you are, a mortal, I feel certain that you have on several } occasions been unable to locate something that only a moment ago was } *right* *here*. That's Waldo, at it again. } } Especially with socks. } } Recently he was experimenting with ways to hide himself, and more } recently still he is working on techniques to hide publishing income } from the IRS. } } Where is Waldo? Unfortunately this is answer is constantly changing. } At the time you posed your question, he was ordering something called } a "Derailer" at a pub in downtown Spokane. Just now he is in a } lawyer's office preparing some sort of poisoning suit. He's kind of a } ramblin guy. } } Ah, and the significance of the dream. Most likely it means that Waldo } visited you recently and hid something of yours. Perhaps a pen, book, } or a Chevrolet? Look in the hamper. } } Or, it could just be an indication of latent homosexuality. } } You owe the Oracle . . . now where did I put that list? Damn, I hate } it when this happens. I'll have to get back to you. --- 466-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Usenet Oracle > > This is a chain e-mail message. If you do not send copies of this to > ten of your friends you will be cursed with seven years bad luck. > > Yours sincerely > > Heinz Bloggshardt And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Victim } } This is a chain e-mail threat. If you do not send copies of this } message to ten of your soon-to-be enemies, you will be reduced } to a pile of smoldering ash over a period of 48 hours while writhing } in extreme agony (bad luck, that). } } Cordially } } High Executioner to the Usenet Oracle --- 466-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh big, big Oracle, > who cares even for the tiniest particles in the universe! > > I am a proton. And you see, there is nothing I hate more than being > smashed against other protons in one of these big nasty particle > accelerators! > Now, can you tell me what I can do about that? I have been drafted > for the SSC. And I fear that if they are not building it, they will > collide us elsewhere. > On the other hand, I fear I might lose my job - I have to care for > a neutron and we have a lovely little electron together! > What if my fellow protons of which the accelerator is built, went on > strike? > + > Yours sincerely, p And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No! No! No! Solidarity is the answer! Find 237 of your friends, } and go nuclear! When their chromosomes start to fall apart, they'll } treat you with the respect you deserve. } } "There is power in a union..." } } You owe the Oracle a date with your neutron. --- 466-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, of pleasing proportions and interesting texture, to > whom I am no more than one of those little invisible bugs that chews on > your nostril hairs ('your' being used here in the general sense, not > meaning to apply to the Great Oracle, who is above any bodily > parasites, benign or otherwise), I am in dire need of an answer. > > Is that thing hovering behind me a really a shoggoth? I haven't turned > around yet to look (in case it is) but it sort of looms over me in that > shoggoth-y way and it has a smell like semi-decomposed radioactive > slime. I've tried asking people around the office but when they see it > they scream and run away, or just fall down. It doesn't seem to be > upset if I type, so I thought I'd ask you. > > So, um, is it really a shoggoth, or is someone playing a practical joke > on me? What does a shoggoth want with me? Is thewre any way for someone > in my situation to deal with it appropriately (by which I mean, > preserving my life and sanity)? > > Thank you for listening, O great and Noble Oracle, and please hurry > because I have to take a major leak... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle reminds you of the ancient aphorism: } } ``If it looms like a shoggoth, smells like a shoggoth and scares } people like a shoggoth, then it's probably a shoggoth.'' } } since taken over and corrupted to the more common and slightly less } accurate version concerning waterfowl that you probably recognise. } } The appropriate response is to wield your +4 Sword Of Stabbing and } have at it. After all, have you ever known anyone to do anything } different when confronted with a B.E.M.? But beware, a shoggoth is a } 6 HD monster. } } You owe the Oracle a shoggoth-skin rug. --- 466-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh dear! That diarrhoea again! > Can I use a SHIT LOCK key against that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I should think you'd find that rather uncomfortable. } } You owe the Oracle a cork.