From oracle-request Fri Jun 26 07:28:49 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 26 Jun 92 07:28:49 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #463 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 463 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #463 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Fri, 26 Jun 92 07:28:49 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 463 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 463-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > DEAR WISDOM, > > How can small room modes be taken into account when simulating > the impulse response of small room ?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } DEAR IGNORANCE, } } I am quite surprised (no small feat for an omniscient being) that you } know of small room impulse responses at all. Small room psychology has } only been studied since May, when Dr. Rapple Barqethorp connected his } extremely advanced neural network doctoral thesis to a universal remote } control that handled his home entertainment center and the mood } lighting. Since that time, he has published three books on the } subsequent behavior of his room, and how it has affected his sex life. } He's on Geraldo next week. } But to get back to your question, no less than four small room modes } have been discovered. Here are there names, and the way they can fit } into your simulation: } 1. ASLEEP : In this mode, the room won't do very damn much at all. If } you try to adjust the temperature too much, it will transfer into the } BITCHY mode. } 2. BITCHY : The room will usually do the opposite of whatever would be } most comfortable for the occupants. It can be placated best when } everyone leaves. Rooms involved in drunken, obnoxious parties where } they recieve a lot of physical damage tend to enter this state very } quickly. } 3. HORNY : In this stage, brought on by porn movies or late-night } dates, the room favors low lighting and soft music. Any attempt to } break the mood, say by lowering the temperature, will put the room in } the BITCHY state for about a week. } 4. GROVEL : In this particular mode, the room will serve its occupants } in the best ways it can think of. Taking its cues from the movements } and words of those inside it, the room will control the sound, light, } and all other aspects to the point where the people usually decide to } camp out for a week inside it. } } Needless to say, most of small room psychology is dedicated to bribing } the room into entering the GROVEL stage. Perhaps you could think about } that next time. } } You owe the Oracle a VCR with SVHS, Dolby Surround, and AI. --- 463-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, > > My boy wanted to know this. I would have scanned his writing of the > question into a .GIF file, UUENCODEd it and sent it to you that way (it > looks much more innocent and cute), but I figured you would like this > better. He asks: > > Dear Orakle, > How did u and leesa meat each uthur and fell in luv? > > I know he's not very good at grovelling, but please don't him. > He's only 4 years old. Just wait until he's 12 and bothers everyone. > > Thank you, sir. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Sonny, } } Gee, I'm sorry, but your Daddy must not have downloaded } Oracularities Digest #454 for you. You see, I explained there a few } days ago that Lisa is a cute little Wuzzle, a Bow-wow-kanga-puss, with } the head of a cat, the body of a dog, and the pouch and hind legs of a } kangaroo. I met her in Hollywood, at Toontown, when I was talking to } some nice movie people... } } *** } Message from kinzler@ebccuab1.bitnet on tty14 at 15:20 ... } Hold it right there, mi amigito electronico!! You're violating } Oracle Prime Directive #2, "Respect the Integrity of the Oracle } Mythos," and don't think that just because I'm in Barcelona I'm } not keeping my eye on you! -o- } } Kinzler, what the hell? You can't be writing me from a Bitnet } node--that's impossible! -o- } } The word "impossible" has no meaning to the man who programmed } the Oracle, boyo. Anyway, about this response of yours. It's bad } enough that the Wuzzle answer made the Oracularities in the first } place, but I'm concerned about loss of Oracular historicity among the } Supplicants if they're allowed to forget that Lisa began as the } net.sex.goddess. -o- } } ["Oracular Historicity?" Jeesh!] Now wait a minute, Kinz, you want me } to tell a FOUR-YEAR-OLD how Lisa and I met? Are you prepared to have } rec.humor.oracle thrown off the Net in Canada, Louisiana, and half the } EC countries? You want the McMartin Preschool case to look bush } league? Holy Jumping J, big guy, YOU were there--or at any rate you } saw the apartment the next morning... -o- } } Look, Oracle, you can just sort of talk about how you ran into her, } you don't have to tell the kid what you two were doing half an hour } later... -o- } } OK, Kinz. Care to translate "leather bar" for me into 4-year-old-ese? } -o- } } You don't have to LIE, Orrie--a few well-chosen euphemisms should-- } } Kinzler, you just DON'T GET IT! You can turn "Gulliver's Travels" into } a kid's book by taking out a few Brobdignagian tits and castle-pissing } scenes, but you're asking me to edit "Behind the Green Door" to a G } rating, or turn "Fanny Hill" into Nancy Drew! You want truth, dude, } that's what you'll get, comprendes? "Daddy, Daddy, why is Mister } Oracle wearing that big belt and that funny collar and putting his-- } } OK, calm down, Oracle. Point taken. You're the expert. Me, I'm just } a humble programmer. 'Nuff said. Time for my Catalan lesson. } (Private tutor, name of Felicia--oh, later on that...). Carry on, } boyo. -o- } } Fine, Kinz. And buy yourself a wide sombrero, guy--I think that } Barcelona sun is warping your judgement lobes. Later. -oo- } EOF } *** } } ... and when Roger Rabbit introduced me to Baby Herman his carriage was } being pushed by the *prettiest* baby-sitter, and her name was Lisa! } She had always wanted to meet a real Oracle, and ... --- 463-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle whose thought processes exceed the speed of light by a factor > of at least 3.1415926535897932384626433, please answer my question. > Refer to diagram: > __ > 15th Floor| | <- B (my office) > | | > | | > Nottingham | | | > University | | | C o > Department | | | O <--- A (me) > of Computer | | v ^ > Science | | > UK | | > | | ------------- D > | | | > | | v > Ground floor|__|____.__________ > > If entity A were to travel from point B in direction C under constant > acceleration of 9.81m/s^2 until arriving at point D, would anyone be > sorry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } See diagram: } } __ } 15th Floor| | <- B (my office) } | | } | | } Nottingham | | | } University | | | C } Department | | | } of Computer | | v } Science | | } UK | | } | | ------------- D /--------------------------\ } | | | o........|Damn! Not another entity A| } | | v --O- |I have to clean up after! | } Ground floor|__|___;*%______/__^ \--------------------------/ } -----| |------- } | | } M (Mop) J (janitor) } } The answer to your question is Yes. } } You owe the oracle a jar of strawberry jam. --- 463-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most honorable Oracle-roshi, please consider the ignorance of one who > seeks enlightenment. > > How much Zen would a Zen master master if a Zen master could master > Zen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ____ } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | } | | __ } | |/ \ __ } ____ | | \/ \ __ } / \ | | | \/ \ } \ \ | / / / | } \ \ / / / / /\ } \ \ | / / / / | } \ | | / / /\__/ | } \ \_/ / /\___/ | } \ \___/ / --- 463-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh lordly One, pardon the temerity of a feeble Supplicant who is > merely peering past the beam in his eye to ask about the mote in Yours: > > Over the years You have had occasion to communicate with the > Almighty many times in the course of sharing your Oracularities with us > feeble mortals. (Strictly speaking, some of those occasions were tty > write messages initiated by a disgruntled Deity, but you'd probably > rather forget those...) Anyway, I am confused and rather distressed by > the multiplicity of Internet addresses that God apparently uses. The > following is a list of His addresses I obtained by running > "grep -i god@ *" on Your collected Oracularities: > > god@berkley > god@gates.heavan.gov > god@genesis.heaven.omni > god@halo.pearlygates.com > god@heaven.com > god@heaven.heaven.com. > god@hyper-connection-machine.diety > god@pearly.gates.com > God@pearly.heaven.org > god@pearlygates.heaven > god@pissed.off.com > god@righteous.fury.com > god@the.domain > god@trinity.heaven.gov > god@universe.gov > god@your.host.is.as.good.as.mine > > Now what gives? Is Heaven commercial, governmental, an organization, > or its own top-level domain? Does God forge Internet addresses? > Does He make spelling mistakes? How many machines does He have, > anyway? Does He really keep an account at Berkeley? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How many times do I have to tell you supplicants that *I* am the top of } the heap! *I* am the number one deity, and that all others are below } me! *I* am the almighty, even though many others deities would claim } otherwise to salvage their bruised egos. Any other messages you get } from the Oracle claiming otherwise are probably from one of those other } deities, trying to pass off their word as my own to give it more } credibility. } } But on to your question. } } Yes, Yahweh, the Judeo-Christian god does have a lot of e-mail } accounts. It's just something he does (yes, he...do you honestly think } a woman could be that psycho *all the time*? Only a man is capable of } such sustained schizophrenic cruelty, and only a man would rape a poor } girl like Mary...but let's not go into this right now). I mean, this } is the deity who has legions of archangels, cherubim and seraphim, who } collects saints and prophets and martyrs like others collect baseball } cards. Having control over a lot of things makes him feel important. } Thus all the e-mail accounts. You missed all the ones that started } "yahweh@" and "jesus@" and "jehovah@" and "holy.spirit@", plus others } too boring and tedious to go into. } } You owe the Oracle an account at Berkeley. --- 463-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxe.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle who not only ponders the imponderable but > knows the answers as well, whose ear wax I am not worthy to use as > haemorrhoid cream, I you humble adorant do beseech you to solve this > deep mystery for me. I am confident that if I had the answer to this > one question I would be able to live the rest of my life in peace and > harmony with myself. > > Is there such a thing as Love? It is possible for two human beings to > come together in respect and live a life of partnership and > cooperation. Or is all this just a trick which nature plays on us in > order to get to reproduce? > > Thanks, > Horny but wondering. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Horny; } } The Oracle would claim that `love' is merely an evolutionary trick to } promote reproduction, except that, among your species, having sex for } reproductive purposes is passe'. My considered opinion is that the } desire for love (note: not love itself) promotes copulation so that } you short-lived miserable creatures don't FORGET HOW to reproduce. } } Love itself is a nifty psychoactive chemical you produce when you } think you ought to have it. You `feel' your own love, not someone } else's. If you want to feel good, `love' someone else. Don't wait } for it to happen to you first, or you'll be sitting there a long time. } } As far as the bit about cooperation and respect between two human } beings is concerned, yes, it is possible. This is called `friendship' } and has little to do with drugs. The Oracle is omniscient and knows } that you already know the mechanics of `friendship'. } } Of course, the Oracle approves highly of sex (practiced safely and with } proper precautions) as an appropriate recreational activity among } friends, or at least people you can trust not to get hung up on it. } } You owe the Oracle the chemical formula for `love', a marketing } strategy, a box of condoms delivered in person to [ORACULAR PRIEST: } please edit this address out, but I don't mind yourself and the } questioner seeing it/ responding to it] the Oracle's current } incarnation (vidicon@cad.gatech.edu) (Wear a slinky negligee'. The } Oracle has developed a taste for those.) and something funny to say } here so this will make it into the Oracularities to be read by everyone } else who needs to see it, or at least the FAQ list. You also owe the } Oracle verification that Richard Bach , `Dear Abby', and Dr. Ruth } Westheimer are eating their respective hearts out. --- 463-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does one become a priest? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1) Choose your favorite deity, e.g. } The Oracle God (Christian incarnation) } 2) Make a significant sacrifice to chosen deity } Send gifts of numerous Take lifelong vows of chastity } sex toys and lots of } whipped cream } 3) Devote life to service of chosen deity } Answer questions of Lead religious services } supplicants } 4) Die in supposed spiritual bliss } } You owe the Oracle a larger temple, with more space for acolytes. --- 463-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, Oracle, we meet again. Do you recognize me? Ah yes, it is I, > your old arch-enemy, LINE-NOISE MAN. Yes, I'm sure you _thought_ I > was gone forever when you trapped me in that length of unshielded > twisted pair, then ripped it out and put in FIBER! But, as you see, > I'm back. Hahahahahaa! Yes, I survived, but YOU, the Great Usenet > Oracle, shall *not*! > > (Random, expendable bystander: "Oh my God, he's got a...a...BACKHOE!") > > YES! And do you know where we are? Right over the main network feed > to iuvax, *that's* where! Soon, you shall be disconnected forever, > Oracle. The Internet will be wide open, no one will have the answers. > Bwa ha ha ha ha haaaaaa. Vengeance, sweet vengeance, is mine! > > (Sound of diesel engine revving up) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > So, Oracle, we meet again. Do you recognize me? Ah yes, it is I, } > your old a****************NOISE*************** sur******************* } > was gone f* *trap* *ngt* * } > twisted pa************* *it * *********** *R!********* ******** } > I'm back. Hahahahaha* *Yes,* *urvived, bu* *U, the Gre* *senet } > Oracle, shall *not*!* * * * * * * * } > * * * * * * * * } > (Random, expendabl* *stander* *h my God, h* *got a...a.* *CKHOE!") } > * * * * * * * * } > YES! And do you* *w where w* *e? Right o* *the main n* *rk feed } > to iuvax, *that* *where! So* *you shall b* *sconnected* *ever, } > Oracle. The I* *net will be* *e open, no * *will have * *answers. } > Bwa ha ha ha * *aaaaaa. Ven* *ce, sweet v* *ance, is m* * } > * * * * * * * * } > (Sound of d* *l engine revvi* *p) * * * * } * ************ * *********** * * * } You forgot * * * * * * } to grovel! *************** *************** **** } } Besides, what's me to iuvax, or iuvax to me, that I should weep for it? } } You also forgot to ask a question. } } Here's an answer for free: } } The meaning of life is that t^& wiTU%#s ar{{^?momoing. --- 463-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your most wonderful Oracleness, by whose grace the swallows return to > Capistrano, would you please tell me who to vote for in the approaching > United States Presidential election? Which one of the candidates--if > elected--is in the best position to do the least amount of damage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To make it short and sweet for my wonderful and humble servant: } } Bush doesn't seem to know what exactly is going on in the country. You } can't read his lips, and there are no more wars to fight. He's } out. } } Clinton looks like a future Ted Kennedy, and his personality is slicker } than an oily slug. } } Perot talks and acts like a muppet. } } The only candidate worth voting for in the upcomming election is Bill } the Cat. He might not do a good job, but that's never been a } requirement. At least the speeches will be shorter. --- 463-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, whose wisdom is sufficient to tell me (if I > were to ask) when my development project will really be done (as > opposed to what it says here on my management-dictated schedule), > please tell me: > > Why is it that my wife is suddenly grabbing at my -- well, you know -- > and demanding it "hard and fast" two and three times a day all of a > sudden? What could have happened? How can I keep up? And how can I > make sure she doesn't change back? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shrink: ... and when you hear the snap of the my fingers, } you will awake refreshed and remember nothing. } } } } Supplicant: Huh? What? } } Shrink: Well, we're about out of time for today. } I think we need to discuss more of your fantasies. } Same time next week? } } You owe the Oracle a book on hypnotism and an analyst's couch.