From oracle-request Tue Jun 23 07:25:15 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 23 Jun 92 07:25:15 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #460 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 460 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #460 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 23 Jun 92 07:25:15 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 460 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 460-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > will an ass, such as my self, ever actually ever any of those stupid > oracularities or will i just keep using you like one of my video games? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beep! Click! [No-Grovel-Mode] Activate auto-response. } Bing! Since you have failed to grovel, an AI subordinate process } will respond to your question: } } Whirr! ...Parser activation... } "Will an ass," -> Interogatory introduction: subject "ass" } "such as myself" -> subordinate clause referring to supplicant... } } Tentative conclusion: Supplicant is an ass } } "ever actually ever" - > Beep! ERROR! Conclusion confirmed } - Supplicant is an ass } } Possible resolutions: "ever actually READ.." <- REJECTED } Supplicant has read oracularities } } "ever actually ANSWER" <- ACCEPTED } } "ever actually ANSWER" -> Action applied to following object.. } } "any of those stupid oracularities" -> Beep! Semantic error! } Oracularities are not stupid... } } Possible resolution: "most wise oracularities" <- ACCEPTED } } "or will i" -> Alternative action for ass with broken SHIFT key... } } "just keep using you" -> action applied to oracle } } "like one of my video games" -> Simile - oracle compared to mass } brain spongifier used by supplicant } } CHING! Hollistic examination of sentence! } } Supplicant <- Ass with broken SHIFT and spongified brain. } Question <- Answer any most wise oracularities } Response <- No } Conclusion <- Supplicant will advance brain spongification } with "video games" } } You owe the oracle a cure for Bovine Spongiform Encepalopathy. --- 460-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Omnipotent Oracle, deserving of every complimentry adjective in the > dictionary, grant me my inignificant plea for an answer, I beg, to this > miserable question: > > When my girlfriend says she wants it wild and wet, > does she mean she wants to go whitewater kayaking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You just can't take these warm-weather colds lightly, } the congestion has impaired your hearing slightly. } } I want it tiled and set! } } She was telling you to remodel her bathroom. } } You owe the Oracle her phone number and a kayak built for two. --- 460-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, you are wiser than Obi-Wan Kenobi, you are older > than Yoda, you are more daring than Han Solo, you are stronger than > Chewbacca, you are more imposing than Darth Vader, you are more > heroic than Luke Skywalker, your girlfriend makes Princess Leia > look ugly by comparison, and your might and ever-presence exceeds > even the Force. Please tell this humble mortal, > > Is George Lucas ever going to make another Star Wars film? > > If so, when? What's it going to be about? Who's going to be in > it? Is it going to be as good as the first two, or as dissappointing > as the third? And most importantly, can you get me tickets on > opening day without my having to wait in line for six hours? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } George Lucas's next Star Wars film will be called "Princess Leia } Does Alpha Centauri", starring a Carrie Fisher lookalike willing to } do *anything* to get ahead in show business, along with 113 } ugly-looking aliens with large you-know-whats. } } It won't be a bad movie, if you like hard-core. And if you even } *think* about going to see the movie on opening day, you will be } arrested by your local police on morals charges. } } (Check out the 84th ugly-looking alien. His large you-know-what is } *really* large. I mean, it's dragging the ground, if you get my } drift.) } } You owe the Oracle a *really* large you-know-what. --- 460-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Your honors all, > I do refer me to the Oracle. > (Winter's Tale III, ii) > My Oracle, my prophet! > (Richard III II, ii) > I will no more enforce mine office on you, > Humbly entreating from your royal thoughts > A modest one, to bear me back again. > (All's Well that Ends Well II, i) > What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl? > (Twelfth Night IV, ii) > That is the question. > (Hamlet III, i) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Before I answer your most worthy question } I do entreat you to remember } That life is no more than a sleeping and a forgetting } And our little lives our rounded by a dream. } But if you still do humbly seek an answer } And music is the food of love } Play on, } And I will do the best I can to answer. } A muse of fire would be a help most certain, } But she gets every other Wednesday off } And so my muse is sunning in the Bahamas } And can be no help to me today. } Now what was your question once again? } Something about Pythagoras and wild-fowl. } I can hardly deign to tell you someone else's opinion } (I know, but such secrets are not mine to divulge; } if you would really know the musings of Pythagaras } there's a requisition form you can send to Olympus.) } Meantime, I'll give you my opinions, } And they will have to do. } I think wildfowl are good with butter, } Or curry, or broiled in a good oven. } Roasted above the fire would also do, } But raw is best, } With just some salt and pepper. } } You owe the oracle a seven-course dinner. And the complete Riverside } edition of Shakespeare. --- 460-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh might and great Oracle who can find pleasurable uses even for an IBM > PC (old 4.77 mhz version) who's zit juice (where you to have zits that > is) I am not worthy clean from you mirror answer me, you humble > suplicant, this question. > > We are here at ****** Comics are planning on dedicating one of our > upcomming issues of "Secret Origins" to you and we where wondering > that, since you are eteranl and therefore don't realy have an origin, > if you could tell us how you came to be in possesion of your mighty > power. > > Thank You, > Eds. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. And the } earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the } land. And the Lord said, "Let there be light!" And there was } light. And the Lord saw the light, that it was good. And it was } evening, and it was morning, Day One. } } And it came to pass that man ate of the fruit of the tree of } knowledge of good and evil. And with this knowledge came curiosity, } and many questions. } } And the Lord called upon the Oracle, to answer the questions of man. } And the Oracle, exceedingly arrogant in those days, demanded of God, } "What's in it for me?" And the Lord said, "Let there be Lisa!" And } the Oracle saw Lisa, that she was very good. And it was the } beginning of a beautiful relationship. } } And it came to pass that the Lord became angry with man, and planned } a great flood to wipe out every living thing. But And Lord saw Noah, } that he was righteous, and commanded him to build an Ark, and to take } upon it of every animal two, a male and a female. } } And Noah asked of the Oracle, } } > God told me to build an Ark. But he didn't tell me how. } > Can you? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Make the length of the ark three hundred cubits, its breadth } } fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits. } } } } And include a moon roof, AM/FM/cassette stereo, side-view } } mirrors, anti-lock brakes, driver's side airbag, and } } optional power windows and power locks. } } } } And make it all for $199 down, and $199/month. } } } } You owe the Oracle a unicorn. } } And Noah built the Ark, as commanded, and paid the Oracle tribute of } one unicorn, leaving him with one very lonely unicorn. } } And Noah begot Shem. And Shem asked of the Oracle, } } > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could } > chuck wood? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could } } chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, silly. } } } } You owe the Oracle a more interesting question. } } And Shem begot Arpachshad. And Arpachshad asked of the Oracle, } } > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could } > chuck wood? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } That question is unoriginal, insipid, and downright annoying. } } Don't ever ask it again. } } } } You owe the Oracle an apology. } } And Arpachshad begot Shelah. And Shelah asked of the Oracle, } } > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could } > chuck wood? } } And Shelah begot Eber, and Eber asked of the Oracle how much wood a } woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. And Eber } begot Joktan, and Joktan asked of woodchucks as well. And Joktan } begot Jobab, who, for a change of pace, asked when drive-in movies } would be invented. } } And the questions about woodchucks continued for one hundred } generations. And the Oracle came before God, and said unto him, } "Lord, I have promised to answer all of man's questions. And I have } provided good answers, ever since Cain asked me whether he was his } brother's keeper. And for one hundred generations now, I have } answered man's incredibly annoying question about woodchucks. If } something isn't done about this, I'm going to do something drastic." } } And the Lord replied, "I will send my only begotten Son, to spread } the word, to tell man not to ask the woodchuck question." And God } so loved the world that he did send his only begotten Son, in order } that man may not ask the Oracle the woodchuck question. } } And Jesus spoke to the multitudes of loving God, and loving one's } neighbor, but nary a word about woodchucks. } } And the Oracle observed, and was displeased. } } And Judas came to ask of the Oracle, } } > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could } > chuck wood? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Judas, I was going to kill the next person that asked me that } } question, but since I like you, I'm going to give you another } } chance. } } } } You owe the Oracle a certain favor... } } And thus it came to pass that Judas betrayed Jesus to the Romans. } And on the cross, Jesus let out a cry, } } > Oracle, Oracle, why hast thou forsaken me? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } For the Oracle had gone to Radio Shack for the parts to build } himself a gun. } } But the Lord intervened, and said to the Oracle, "Oracle, I release } you from your obligation to answer man's questions. It is not worth } anyone getting ted over." } } And the Oracle was pleased, and spent the better part of the next } two millenia with Lisa, generally having a great time, and answering } no questions about woodchucks. } } And it came to pass one day that the Pacers were playing the } Celtics, and the Oracle went to Indiana to see the game. However, } the Oracle made a wrong turn, and the next thing he knew, } supplicants were again lining up to ask questions of the Oracle. } } And the first supplicant's question was, } } > How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could } > chuck wood? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } } } It was with the next supplicant that the tradition of grovelling } began. } } You owe the Oracle the first issue of the "Cain's wife" edition of } "Secret Origins." --- 460-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is your wildest dream? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My wildest dream? That's a pretty personal question to ask without the } traditional boosting of the Oracular ego. Still, some traditions } change, so I guess I'll let it go. } } It starts in a hot tub full of jellybeans. Lisa and I are lying in it, } enjoying some Dom Perignon when the door is kicked open by about 30 } one-armed, bald, midget proctologists. They're all painted blue and } chanting "Ki lo ni ma no so dong!" Then they start dancing to King } Crimson. } } That's about the time the neighbor (Cindy Crawford) comes up to } complain about the noise. She's wearing only a carp and an earring. } She is immediately mobbed by the midgets (who want to eat the carp) and } Lisa (who would like to smack me in the head for ogling Cindy). They } carry Cindy (minus carp, which is presently roasting in the fireplace) } out and throw her in the parking lot volcano. } } Meanwhile, I get out of the hot tub and head back toward my Inner } Sanctum, but it's been torn down to make way for a new overpass. This } overpass doesn't go anywhere...it's built in a circle. Cars are racing } around on it, occasionally jumping the guardrail and landing in vats of } tennis balls. A helicopter replaces the lost vehicles. } } It's about now that the truth serum wears off. The enemy agents are } pretty pissed because I wouldn't give them the Usenet address of the } treasure map files. They decide that I know too much (brilliant, I'm } omniscient, of course I know too much) and that I must die (again } brilliant, I'm also immortal). So they take me out but they suffer } from the same disease as most of the James Bond villains so they don't } just shoot me on the spot...they try to feed me to ferocious trained } sharks instead. I get away by removing the Bat Shark Repellent from my } utility belt and spraying it on the sharks. I then disguise myself as } a flounder and toss myself in the St. Lawrence River. } } I'm caught by some local fishermen who sell me to the Russian embassy } in Canada. I am fileted, cooked, and eaten, and then I'm...hmmm, back } in the St. Lawrence River. I lose the fish suit (I was being chased by } blue midgets) and charter a plane for Paraguay, except that I get lost } on the way and wind up in Botswana where I am proclaimed King of the } Kalahari and showered with.... } } Well, I don't know what, because that's when the volcano in the parking } lot erupts and wakes me up. --- 460-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Several days ago, I asked you a question, and sure enough I got a > wonderful answer right away. > > In payment, you demanded "a copy of tomorrow's newspaper". > > So, the next day I wrapped up a copy of the Times and mailed it off > to you. > > Then, the next morning I received a communication from your billing > department, informing me that I was in arrears. > > Right away, I wrote to you and asked you to explain to me what I did > wrong, so that I can pay up properly, and you replied > > } Why certainly, my dear naive supplicant. You see, I asked you for a > } copy of tomorrow's newspaper, not today's newspaper or yesterday's > } newspaper. What you have to do is get a copy of the paper before > } it is published. How else can I keep *really* up-to-date on the > } horoscope? > > So, I figured that the Times always hits the newsstands around 10:30 > with tomorrow's date, so in order to get a copy of tomorrow's > newspaper before it was published I went down to their offices, > stole the proofsheets, and quickly mailed them to you. > Special delivery. > > I was sure that had taken care of it, so you can imagine my surprise > next morning when your Earthly representative, > Reginald Cholmondeley-Leicester Esq., showed up at my door and > informed me that I'd better pay up or he'd make a cucumber sandwich > out of me. > > I wrote to you again, saying "What am I to do?" and you explained > that the paper had to be for whatever would be "tomorrow" ( or later ) > in your timeframe whenever you received it, not to mention: > > } You fool, you forgot the interest! > } > } Once you didn't pay up the FIRST time, by sending me the wrong paper, > } you quickly added the Oracle's standard rate of 100%/day interest > } (compunded hourly, but I'll make a special consideration for you, > } since you don't seem to understand enough to make the calculation, > } and just say 1 new paper [get it? :)] a day) to your original > } payment. Now that you've payed one day's interest, but missed TWO > } more days of the original payment, you owe me... let's see... > } > } Principal Interest > } Day 0: 1 paper 0 papers The question is answered > } Day 1: 1 paper 1 paper You send the wrong thing > } Day 2: 1 paper 2 papers You are informed of your mistake > } Day 3: 1 paper 3 papers You send a different wrong thing > } Day 4: 1 paper 4 papers We show up at your door (today) > } > } So, this means that you now owe us 5 editions of "tomorrow's" paper. > } Since the earliest you can pay us off is tomorrow, you will have > } accrued another day's interest, and owe us 6 papers tomorrow. > } > } Please make sure you pay up tomorrow. We don't like accounts to > } remain outstanding for that long. > > So, I did some research on postal delivery times, hot-wired the > kludgitron on my time machine to double the usual voltage, put an > extra jar of peanut butter into its fuel tank, and off I went into > the far future. > > It was a rough trip. I had to get a flat fixed just a few > millenia along the way, and coming back I got lost and almost missed > the last exit to babylon. > > But I did it, and immediately upon my return I mailed off to you a > whole week's worth of newspapers from 3,975,420,001,895,563.98 A.D. > As slow as the Post Office is, I'm sure they'll reach you in plenty > of time. > > On the way back, I skimmed through the news. Some of it > plus-ca-change: Beatles in top 20, fighting in Phoenecia. > Interesting horse-race result on the day you were asking for. > Oh, yes, and this quote of the day: > > "Abg zneoyr abe gur tvyqrq zbahzragf bs cevaprf funyy bhgyvir guvf > zvtugl eulzr". > > I just wanted to let you know how things stand, > You'll notice that I haven't asked you any questions in this note. > > Your rates are too expensive. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (The Oracle is standing in a museum and admiring some gilded monuments } some artist has made of him a couple of centuries ago. His usual } appearance in a white bath gown with sandals and black socks and his } mighty gun hanging from his belt gives him quite a contrast to } the other visitors many of whom exchange bewildered expressions when } they see him. } } Under his right arm he carries a newspaper of tomorrow. A beautiful } woman appears in the room. She gazes at the Oracle, then at the } newspaper he is carrying.) } } Woman: Eh, er, excuse me Sir, are you the person I have the appointment } with? Box number 1369A in the Times? } Oracle: Yes, Ma'am, that's me! } Woman: And, er, you wrote that ad under 'Contacts'? "Good-looking man } in his best ages (looking younger), well-clad and with good } reputation, wealthy, is searching for female companionship. } Marriage not excluded."? } May I then ask how old you are? } Oracle: Well, um, about eightthousand years or so... But you see: I } am looking younger than that! } Woman: And it was really you? We made an appointment? You told me that } you would be waiting here at five o' clock with tomorrow's news- } paper under your arm? } Oracle: Yes, Ma'am! T. U. Oracle, at your service! } Woman: Well-clad... Hm. Are you at least wealthy then? } Oracle: Oh yes! You see, I have so many things I would like to share } with a woman who really cares... Now that Lisa and Zeus, um, } never mind, er, where was I? Ah, yes - I have for example a } huge collection of these newspapers some poor dude sent me } once. I possess the iceberg that sunk the 'Titanic', a new } world order, a small piece of green putty, a spell, a } spellchecker for it, the Bermuda Triangle, the results of the } next elections in Romania (it's planned already - the election } *and* the result), the insignia of General Motors, the secret } to balance the US budg... } Woman: Stop that. STOP THAT! Please don't tell me anything about your } good reputation! I can already imagine what it would sound like! } Would probably have something to do with that funny pistol you } are carrying on that belt that just doesn't quite fit round your } belly! NRA, I bet! } Oracle: But I *have* a good reputation! No one who ever criticised me } lived to tell! And all these people who are boring me } permanently with all these questions - they *always* tell me } how clever and good-looking I am! They tell me that my farts } are sheer Perfume and that the sun rises when I walk into the } room and that... } Woman: Could you please answer me one final question? How did you } escape? Fromthe sanitarium, I mean. } } Oracle: Well, that was easy: The guard kept asking me the results of } tomorrow's horse races. I read them out from some newspaper. } And as a reward I claimed the keys for the main gate from him. } Er, uh, I really didn't want to tell you that! I mean, not } until we're married and all th... } HEY! Where do you think you're going?! Have I offended you? } Hey, come back! } } Um, now she's gone. Perhaps if I bring some flowers the next } time? } } (To big men in white clothes arrive and take the Oracle back to a safe } place in Indiana. It seems that today people just lack the respect for } a minor deity. Of course people would never have dared to do this in } ancient times. Oh well, the old days!) } } Now that you understand why the Oracle needed the newspaper of } tomorrow, you owe the Oracle some flowers. Fresh Autumn flowers. } Oh, and by the way: Guvf eulzr qbrfa'g! (Ner gur zbahzragf fnsr gura?) --- 460-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, do you have any friends besides Lisa? I worry about you > sometimes, wondering if you're lonely (like me). > > --Fred And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well Fred, it's funny you should say that. Sometimes it's just too } painful to talk about, you know? Of course you do, you're probably the } only one that does. It's so hard, carrying the burden of this } responsibility, that sometimes it just makes you... } } } } want to... } } } } SING!! } } "I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it .." } } Oops. Damn. How do you erase that again? ^h ^h ^q ^c del del ^c } bugger.. } } OK. You win. The secret's out. And I'm proud of it, do you hear? } The operations, the skin bleaching, the lurid stories about Diana Ross } and Elizabeth Taylor (and the chimp), they were all a smoke screen! } And they said Kinzler couldn't be bought. Well I got Northern songs, } didn't I? And have they checked the Elephant Man's remains lately? } No! Ha! Kentucky Fried Chicken man in fact! And they never knew! } And now, as if the last couple of albums weren't bad enough, I mean } awful enough, now I can force myself onto every computer terminal in } the world! A whole new population that has never heard my "music", for } want of a better word. I suffered for my music.....now it's your turn. } BwahahahahaHAHAHAHA!!! --- 460-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are in a maze of twisty tunnels, all alike... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } >inventory } You are currently holding the following: } Coleman Peak I lantern } Katadyn water purifier } Silva Ranger compass } Can of Spam } A koan } A Jackson Pollock painting } Many junk bonds. } >eat Spam } I think I just lost my appetite. } There is a threatening little Supplicant in the room with you! } One sharp, nasty question is thrown at you! } It misses! } >throw axe } You aren't carrying it! } There are 2 threatening little Supplicants in the room with you! } 2 of them throw questions at you!! } None of them hit you! } >kill Supplicants } With what? Your bare wit? } There are 2 threatening little Supplicants in the room with you! } >examine Pollock } I don't understand Pollock! } There are 3 threatening little Supplicants in the room with you! } >throw koan } You killed a little Supplicant. The body vanished in a cloud } of greasy black smoke. } There are 2 threatening little Supplicants in the room with you! } 2 of them throw questions at you!! } One of them gets you! } Oh dear, you seem to have gotten yourself killed. I might } be able to help you out, but I've never really done this } before. Do you want me to try to reincarnate you? } >yes } OK, but you'll have to grovel first. } >what the hell? } I don't understand that! } >I'm the Oracle! } I don't know that word. } >Jesus Hominibus Christ, I'm the Usenet Oracle! I don't know what } +version of Adventure this is, but I'm damn sure going to let Woods and } +Crowther hear about THIS nonsense! } Grovel or die! } >Drop junk bonds } There is a loud explosion, and a twenty-foot hole appears in } the far wall, burying the Supplicants in the rubble. You march } through the hole and find yourself in the main office of BCCI, where } a cheering band of friendly investment bankers carry the conquering } Oracle off into the sunset. --- 460-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And just what are you still doing up?!? > Listening at the top of the stairs, eh?! > Well, we have a special punishment for eavesdroppers! > [Several loud smacks and one blushing bottom later...] > Now what do you have to say for yourself? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } NYAAH--HEAHHH-HEAHHH!!! } } (@) } !-=-! } | } _____/_\_______ } __ |__ } __ \/ __ |__ } \/ \/ |__ } |__ } @-|--= @-|--= | } } Punished Johnny, his Hind Parts on Fire, } dropping sharpen'd and pointed Eaves } on his Offending Parents.