From oracle-request Mon Jun 15 07:42:24 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 15 Jun 92 07:42:24 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #456 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 456 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #456 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Mon, 15 Jun 92 07:42:24 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 456 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 456-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Clutching at Straws The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, > this morning I found a strange thing on my desk. It somehow looked > like the following: > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > HOLD LOCAL SETUP SWITCH BREAK F6 F7 F8 F9 F10 F11 F12 F13 F14 HELP DO > > ESC ~ ! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ + ` 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 - = SEL PRV NXT 7 8 9 - > TAB Q W E R T Y U I O P { } RETURN ^ 4 5 6 , > q w e r t y u i o p [ ] < V > 1 2 3 > LOCK A S D F G H J K L : " | 0 . ENTER > a s d f g h j k l ; ' \ HOME > SHIFT > Z X C V B N M , . ? SHIFT FEED > < z x c v b n m , . / > CTRL > FUNCT S_P_A_C_E BACKSPACE > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > What is it good for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By itself, not much. You need to find something to } plug it into. Here are some things to look for: } } _____________________________________________ } / \ } | _______________________________________ | } | / \ | } | | C:\> _ | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | | } | \_______________________________________/ | } | o o o | } \_____________________________________________/ } ___________________________________________________ } | | _________p___ | | } | O = o o = ============= |_______________| | } | ============= | _________ _ | | } | =========================== |_______________| | } | =========================== | | | } | IBM |_______________| | } |___________________________________________________| } } With this machine you can play Tetris, raise and breed } computer viruses, and format your hard disk. } } _____________________________________________ } / \ } | _______________________________________ | } | /_______________________________________\ | } | | | | } | | | | } | | _______________________ | | } | | | | | | } | | | Welcome to Macintrash | | | } | | |_______________________| | | } | | | | } | | | | } | \_______________________________________/ | } | , __ | } \____()_______________________________________/ } ___________________________________________________ } |__________________________________________==_______| } | ---------------------------------- | } | , | } | () ..... II.. | } |___________________________________________________| } } With this machine you can watch pretty fireworks 95% of } the day, hear a monkey scream every time you point at } something, and not have to worry about running GNU } software. } } ____________________________________________ } / \ } | _______________________________ | } | / \ ----- | } | | login: _ | | EDT | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | | } | | | digital | } | | | VT100 | } | \_______________________________/ | } | | } \____________________________________________/ } } With this machine, you can send horrible insults to } total strangers halfway around the globe, uudecode } filthy GIF pictures, and remove your home directory. } } _____________________________________________ } / \ } | _______________________________________ | } | /.......................................\ | } | |.......................................| | } | |......................=--xlogo--==.....| | } | |......................| \\ / |.....| | } | |.....=--------xterm---| \\ / |.....| | } | |.....| $ _ | \\ / |.....| | } | |.....| ----------......| | } | |.....| |.......| | } | |.....|_________________________|.......| | } | \_______________________________________/ | } | NCD | } \_____________________________________________/ } } With this machine, you can display filthy GIF pictures, } waste 3 megabytes of your host's memory waiting for new } email, and play Tetris (if the network's not too slow). } } You owe the Oracle four new arrow keys. --- 456-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If, as you insist, oh Oracle most knowledgeable, my Deskjet 500C is > indeed outranked by both my 486/33 and my choice of only the best of > Windows operating-systems running on the PC platform today, then how > am I to get colour prints without investing megabucks in colour laser > technology? Hmmmm...? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CRAYONS! --- 456-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, educator of the sages. I beseech you to share > some of your wisdom! Magnificent one, it is commonly known that there > is more than one way to skin a cat. How many ways are there, and which > one of them is the best? References would be greatly appreciated, > especially ones with illistrations. > > My humblest thanks, > A Cat Lover And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are 73 ways to skin a cat, but most of them differ only in the } color of the knife and the flavor of the marinade. If one factors out } these minor variations, there are 19 distinct methods. Categorizing } any one of them as "best" is nearly impossible. The Oracle can do it, } of course, but will base the ranking on a choice of your priorities. } Illustrations can be obtained in a variety of GIF formats by anonymous } ftp from archive.aspca.com. } } Neatest Way to Skin a Cat: Break the cat's neck, and toss it into a } deep-freeze for several months. Skin it with a carrot peeler. Use } long, even strokes. } } Fastest Way to Skin a Cat: Sand-blasting. } } Most Humane Way to Skin a Cat: Let the cat die of old age after a life } filled with the joys of companionship, reproduction, frequent feedings, } and warm cuddles of an evening. Bury the cat tastefully in an } expensive pet cemetary adorned with shade trees and flowering plants. } Mourn without excess. After 20 or 30 years, the cat's skin is likely } to be mostly gone. } } Most Appalling Way to Skin a Cat: Cut one long incision along the cats } back from just behind the ears to the base of the tail. Separate the } skin from the body on either side of the incision with a blunt knife. } Remove strips around the cat's body with paper scissors, rubbing the } exposed flesh liberally with salt. Warning: Remember to extract the } claws and teeth with a sturdy pair of pliers before beginning; if not, } be prepared for a vigorous struggle. } } You owe the Oracle a leopard-skin rug and a full-length lynx coat. --- 456-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise oracle, keeper of the feared Lisa, please tell me. . > > Is Lisa married and if not, will she marry me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [BEEP] } } Hi! This is the Usenet Oracle. I'm sorry, but I'm out of town right } now with my lovely mistress Lisa. You may press <9> to return to the } main menu at any time. If you are dialing in from a touch tone ph- } } [BEEP] } } The Usenet Oracle's brain-teaser of the day. You may press <9> to } return to the main menu at any time. Today's brain teaser is: "Spot } the button!" } } If you are sending a question about the future, please press <1>. } If you are wondering about the present, please press <2>. If you have } a question about the past, please press <3>. If you are proposing to } Lisa, please press <4>. If you are a hard-line dictator of a Soviet } successor state, please press <5>. If you have sent mail to the wrong } address, please press <6>. If you think the Oracle is a great and } wondrous being and have sent mail for the "Oracluarism of the Day", } please press <7>. If you think that the Oracle is a big fat slug and a } waste of good electricity, please press <4>. If you have forgotten the } pre-requisite grovel, the <4> will be pressed for you at this tim- } } [ZOT] } } You owe The Oracle a new telephone and a promise not to ever even } *think* about Lisa again. --- 456-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM* > > *gasp* > > Oh Mother of Mercy, can this be the end of Rico? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Siskel: Now this, for me, was one of the finer scenes of the } movie. This final quote from the alien (speaking, of course, to } Sigourney Weaver) truly makes this film one of the great } classics. I give it a thumbs up. } } Ebert: Maybe, but I found this scene to be entirely too } derivative of another film, "Wayne's World." This sudden } fascination with Edward G. Robinson impressions frightens me, } although I admit that he looked enough like an alien that this } film makes it work. I'll give it a half a thumb and a wad of gum } from the bottom of my chair. } } Siskel: Okay, after the commercial break, we'll take a look at } two of the summer's box office smashes, "Batman Returns a Gift to } K Mart" and "The Adventures of the Oracle and Lisa in the Land of } Forbidden Playtex Products." --- 456-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent Oracle, who can transfer heat without a change in > temperature, > > Are there any other laws of thermodynamics we don't know about yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I am not really supposed to tell you this, but there *are* many, } many laws of thermodynamics that you lowly mortals have yet to } discover, and I, the Oracle, am fully aware of. Here is a small sample } of what you have yet to discover : } } Law #345 : It takes CheezeWhiz exactly 45.6 seconds to become heated to } 89 degrees Centigrade regardless of the model microwave used. Energy } is never conserved. } } Law #67 : When two stars collide, things get really hot. } } Law #666 : Your car's engine will only overheat if you are more than } 100 miles away from a gas station or other servicing facility. } } Law #42 : Any question regarding thermodynamics posed in a textbook can } be answered by taking the fifty-fifth root of the page number and then } multiplying it by the number of atoms in the textbook, and then taking } the imaginary root, and then adding one. } } Law #999 : There is NO Law #999! } } Law #876 : The amount of energy released when your house burns down is } exactly equivalent to the amount of energy your brain consumes in the } following hour of frenzy. } } So, as you can see, there are many,many laws you have yet to discover. } Just make sure you never discover Law #12, since I have computed a } 99.998 % probability that all of mankind will cease to exist if it is } figured out. Skip over it and work on #13 instead. Your friendly } neighborhood physicist, the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a perpetual motion machine that runs backwards. --- 456-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Australia, 2015. Sometime after the Oil Wars. > > Cooper's Folly. The last town before Hell's alley. > > Here, the truckers mingle with the gangs that prey on them. The > smell of gasoline and cordite waft in the air. In the town's only pub, > cybered truckers with shotguns glare stonily at the new barbarians. > They don't ask your name here. The desperate, the guilty come here. And > those that hunt them. > > The scene: Inside the pub. It's been a good night, only two deaths > so far. But there is tension in the air. No man here can afford to back > down, and everyone carrys a weapon. Or they're dead already. > > The door bursts open. Heads turn to face it, and eyes widen as they > see the dark shadow of The Oracle. The Oracle, most feared of the > bounty-hunters ! He strides into the room, his cold eyes scanning > backwards and forwards like an autocannon. His squeeze, Lisa, leans > against the doorway, blocking any way out for the guilty. No-one messes > with Lisa, fastest gun in the outback. What she can do with a whip > brings tears to the eyes of any man. > > The Oracle spies his target. The other gangers at the table scramble > to get out of his way as he strides towards his quaking target. He > prods the begrimed fugitive with his shotgun, and growls in his > gravelly voice: > > "Thimon Thmith the Theep Thmuggler ? I have a warrent for your arretht And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The silence is deafening. The man many have described as the nastiest } piece of dog poo on the shoe of society slowly lays down his cards and } shifts his cigarette stub to the other corner of his mouth. He looks } up. Sure enough, there is Warren just behind Lisa holding the } handcuffs. The Oracle fixes the lowlife with a steely glare. Warren } hefts the cuffs. Lisa hopes he doesn't drop them, they are her favorite } set. } } The chair scrapes unimaginable things off the floor as it slides slowly } backwards. } } He rises. } He turns. } He opens his mouth. } He takes a big breath... } } -=**=- !! Nobody even saw her move. Little is left to show for } the encounter except for a strangely twisted and very still shape on } the floor, and the fading imprint of five fingers on the luscious curve } of Lisa's glorious tribute to mammalianism. The Oracle shakes his head } ruefully. } } "You know, it'th a thtrange thing, I lotht my front teeth the thame } way. The liketh it if you athk firtht." --- 456-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, > whose signal processor catches all signals, even kill -9, > whose hard disks are so hard not even diamonds will scratch them, > whose floating point unit floats a point 10000 km upriver, > whose keyboard's keys unlock every door, > > why do all those clueless idiots assume that Karl Marx was Russian? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Karl Who ? } } Oh him ! He's not Russian. In fact, as has been assumed by many a BA } student, he was the fifth Marx Brother. } } Unfortunatly, his greatest joke was taken seriously, and Lenin et al } attempted to build a society on it. } } The last Russian who had a sense of humor was Rasputin, as shown in } his immortal line "Cathy, am I man enough for you ?". So they shot him. } The world, having perceived "Das Capital" as the most boring book since } the Icelandic translation of the Bible, rather than the comic } masterpiece it is, naturally assumed the author was Russian. } } You owe the Oracle the version of "Das Capital" with the neat } cartoons. --- 456-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O noble Oracle! Oracle whose phlegm I am not fit to see! > > Do women write on bathroom walls? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shall we take a look ? } } KILROY WAS HERE, BUT WE CASTRATED HIM. } THE ORACLE, WHAT A MAN ! } IF THEY CAN SEND ONE MAN TO THE MOON, WHY NOT THEM ALL ? } LISA YOU'RE ONE LUCKY BITCH ! } I WANTED TO HAVE A CHILD NOT MARRY ONE ! } 12 INCHES I TELL YOU ! THAT ORACLE REALLY IS A GOD ! } PMT IS NOW A DEFENSE FOR MURDER. JUST THOUGHT Y'ALL WOULD WANT TO KNOW. } } So there you have it. Not only do they write on walls, but there are } a few examples of their scribblings. Why, I bet - } } >> Orrie, I heard the strangest rumor. You were caught in the female } bathrooms by one of the guards with a pen in hand. How do you } explain that ? } } Umm, you see, Lisa, it was like this... } } You owe the Oracle a good excuse. Quick. --- 456-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH GREAT AND MIGHTY ORACLE stop WHOSE SWEAT-SOCKS I AN UNFIT TO WASH > WITH MY TONGUE stop PLEASE ANSWER ME THIS:stop > WWHY DID WESTERN UNION BUY MY E-MAIL SERVER?stop And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } OH SUPPLICANT stop BECAUSE THE ILLUMINATI TOLD THEM TO stop AND UNLESS } YOU PREVENT THEM THEY'LL TAKE OVER THE INDIANA SITE AS W--- } } } }