From oracle-request Mon Jun 8 12:46:43 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 8 Jun 92 12:46:43 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #454 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 454 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #454 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Mon, 8 Jun 92 12:46:43 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 454 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 454-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi oracle, > > I've got a little question. I'm non-american and therefore don't know > a lot about the 'american way of dating'. > > I have heard a lot of things about that subject and would like to know > more. Since I will be over in the USA for quite a while serious answers > would be much appreciated. > > Thanks a lot And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, } } You obviously don't know much about the 'American way of Grovelling' } either, but as I am in a forgiving mood today, having just gotten } the news that Playboy is going to do a "Girls of the Oracle" feature, } I won't turn you into a smudge. } } As it happens, you are in luck. The American way of dating is in } fact identical to that used in most of the rest of the western world. } Just in case your neck of the woods uses a different system, it } works like this: } } We generally measure the passage of days in Weeks and Years. A } Week is a short period of time; 7 days. It consists of the Weekdays } and the Weekend. The Weekdays are when you pretend to work; the } Weekend is when you try to not work. The names of the days of the } Week are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and } Sunday. } } A year consists of 12 months, each with around 30 days in them. The } months are called January, February, March, April, May, June, July, } August, September, October, November and December. There is a nice } rhyme for remembering the number of days, as follows: } } "30 days have September, April, June and November; all the rest have } 31, except February, which has 28, or 29 each leap year." } } Due to a manufacturing defect, the Earth's orbit doesn't quite fit } evenly into a nice number of days. Thus we have leap years. A leap } year is any year that is divisible by 4, except if it is divisible } by 100, except that if it is divisible by 400 it is a leap year after } all. } } The years are numbered from the alleged birth of my good buddy God's } oldest son. He wanted them to be numbered from his birthday, but } had to settle for the former as part of the agreement that ended the } lawsuit over the even number of days fiasco. As it happens, this was } a good thing as with the current system, we only need 4 digits so far } (this year is 1992) but with the system God wanted to use, well, it } would be a _lot_ of digits, let me tell you. } } And remember, every day is the Oracle's Birthday... } } You owe the Oracle a thoughtful present. --- 454-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, > this morning I found a strange thing on my desk. It somehow looked > like the following: > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > HOLD LOCAL SETUP SWITCH BREAK F6 F7 F8 F9 F10 F11 F12 F13 F14 HELP DO > > ESC ~ ! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) _ + ` 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 - = SEL PRV NXT 7 8 9 - > TAB Q W E R T Y U I O P { } RETURN ^ 4 5 6 , > q w e r t y u i o p [ ] < V > 1 2 3 > LOCK A S D F G H J K L : " | 0 . ENTER > a s d f g h j k l ; ' \ HOME > SHIFT > Z X C V B N M , . ? SHIFT FEED > < z x c v b n m , . / > CTRL > FUNCT S_P_A_C_E BACKSPACE > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > What is it good for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you have truly come to me just in the nick of time, and by } so doing, you have averted horrible disaster which could be brought } upon you and your family. Before I proceed let me commend you on your } quick thinking and resourcefulness. } You see, ah wonderfully naive and inexperienced seeker of } wisdom, that think on your desk is an inverted phase dinglewhopper } from the planet Koozbane. The Koozbanians have been dormant for the } last several epochs, but now they are up to their old tricks. Act } quickly now, because the dinglewhopper could detonate at any moment. } If it does you will lose all of your higher mental functions, as well } as any whit of common sense that you may have ever had (Dan Quayle } fell victim to one of these several years ago, as did Bill Clinton, } who thought he could escape the ill effects if he just didn't inhale). } First, you must immerse this foul device completely in water, don't } hesitate, run to the nearest restroom and throw it in the toilet. } (I'll wait) } ...Are you back? Good! Oops, you forgot the dinglewhopper, } run back and get it, this is no time to be quibbling about personal } hygiene. Now, toss it out the nearest second story window. Make sure } that the window is NOT OPEN. } Whew, another narrowly diverted disaster. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Disney's Little Mermaid, all the episodes } of the Muppet Show, and a Macintosh Extended Keyboard --- 454-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Almighty, great, wonderful, immortal, wise, intelligent, lovely oracle: > > Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a very long word, how do you > spell it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A quiet Thursday afternoon at the Oracular Mansion. } } Suddenly the line of questioners is scattered as His Mightiness erupts } into anger. } } "What! How much wood? You dare to bother Us with such trivialities } as small forest mammals? We have answered this question for the last } time!" } } The sound of thunder echos through the landscape, as lightning bolts } blast from the sky overhead only to come together before the Oracular } Throne. The hapless petitioner appears to glow for just a moment, } and then dissolves forever from this plane of existence. } } "Let the word go forth, to all querants throughout the Universe. The } Oracle's patience with piddling questions has RUN OUT! The next person } who attempts to use The Most Wondrous Oracle as an encyclopedia will } suffer a fate the likes of which has not been seen since the days of } yore! Always RTFM!" } } The next supplicant nervously approaches the throne. } } "WELL?" } } The querant pauses, and then speaks thusly: } } > Almighty, great, wonderful, immortal, wise, intelligent, lovely } > oracle: } > } > Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a very long word, how do you } > spell it. } } All is silent in the great hall. No one moves, but for a small bead of } sweat that slowly makes its way down the cheek of the obsequious } questioner before the throne. The Oracle's eyes at first begin to } bulge forth from their Oracular sockets, and then slowly sink deep down } into a mighty scowl. } } "Sieeeeeeeeeeze him!" } } Huge guards, all with the facial expression of Mike Tyson at a beauty } contest, seem to materialize from nowhere, grabbing the hapless } individual. Once he his firmly in their grasp, all eyes turn to the } immortal one. } } "Now, off to the Amway meeting with him! Mwa ha ha ha!" } } A low moan slips from the crowd, as they contemplate the fate of the } newly lost soul. Despite the supplicant's pleas for mercy, he is } carried off by the huge Tysonesque men. A wry and satisfied smile } appears on the face of the Mighty One, as he slowly shakes the Oracular } head. } } "Next!" --- 454-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderous and magnificent Oracle, lord of a hundred, nay a thousand, > nay a million, nay a billion, nay an infinite insignificant mortal > minds, I beseach of you to answer me this simple, but important (to > both of us) question: > > You what? Where the %#@! am I going to get 666 willing nubile teenage > virgins over the age of consent? If you don't reconsider what I owe > you, I'll have to have a quick word with Lisa...... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? Blackmail? I assure you, cretin, that you are stepping in a big } pile of doo doo if you try to pull *this* one off. Remember, } simpleton, that I am the All-Knowing. I know about the time you played } doctor with the neighbor's little boy... You never did tell them where } their hamster went. (Next time, try gerbils... they're smaller) } } I also know where all your mother's old clothes went, and why only the } really large sizes are missing. Does she? } } You owe the Oracle 666 battery-powered glow-in-the-dark condoms. } Deliver them with the virgins. --- 454-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Lisa a dog, a cat, or a kangaroo? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, all three. You see, Lisa is the *cutest* little Wuzzle, a } Bow-wow-kanga-puss. She has the head of a cat, the body of a dog, and } the pouch and hind legs of a 'roo. I met her in Toontown when I was } consulting for Paramount on Star Trek VII. She's just the sweetest } thing, and you should see her purr and chase her tail and hop up at } down all at once, it's just *so* cute, and when I'm tired or unhappy } from reading sad questions from Supplicants she takes my head in her } pouch, and it's just like happiness is a warm blanket all over! Would } you like me to send you a picture... } } (JESUS H. Christ I can't take much more of this! Kinzler, puh-LEEZE } come back from Barcelona and do something about the pandemic terminal } fatuousness that's decimating my supplicants! Not that I'm a Mensa fan } or anything, but I do sometimes long for the days when we required } proof of a 700 combined SAT score before accepting submissions...) --- 454-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > That corpse you planted last year in your garden, > Has it begun to sprout? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, and it's all ready asking questions! --- 454-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Don't it catch you by surprise when the shit that's second-nature to > you because you deal with it day in and day out just spews out of you > like snot from a toddler's nose, and the person you are talking to > first stares at you as if you were from Mars and then grabs a cup and > starts gathering all the stuff up as if it were some kind of cross > between liquid gold and an ambrosia of the Gods, and then they offer up > great prayers of praise do your guruhood and spend the next hundred > years discussing the profound philosophical implications of what you > just tossed out like an orange rind into the trash, and you stand there > wondering: "What the fuck kind of crazy world is this, anyway?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most confused and perfunkted suplicant, don't you know about the } grovelling rule? } } To answer your question (though I don't know why), No I am not in the } least bit astounded by my own wisdom. Just because I do this shit } every day for eternity I know that the meager mortals that partake of } my knowledge do ponder it at length because if they knew what I know } they wouldn't have any reason to bother me and I could get some work } done on both my processor and Lisa. } } Remember when you ask "what the fuck kind of crazy world is this } anyway" that it is the best kind, the kind that can be shaped by the } likes of you. } } You owe the Oracle a clean question with some relavance in the world } today. --- 454-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I call you out! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Damn! They've figured it out! Lisa! Lisa! } } "Yes, Orrie?" } } Lisa, get all our stuff and pack it in the station wagon, now! } } "Whatever for?" } } We're going on an... uh... vacation. Yeah, an extended vacation. I hear } Djakarta is lovely this time of year. Bring only what we will } absolutely need. } } "Okay, I'll go get the Kool Whip." } } Good girl, now go. Hmf... damn... I can't believe those supplicants } finally figured out there was no Usenet Oracle -- it was just old } non-omniscient me who found an unused terminal connected to iuvax. At } first it was just a joke, people would send in these serious questions } and I'd just make up anything that came off the top of my head and put } this outrageous demand at the end of the note. } } And people started ponying up! I can't believe it! Anything I asked for } they'd send. New computers, piles of gold, their life savings, glacier } sodas -- you name it. I even got things I thought never existed, such } as square circles, George Bush's integrity, or the fourth series of } Star Blazers. If they were reluctant I'd just threaten to *ZOT* them or } turn their star supernova or something, and they'd be sorted right out! } It was unbelievable... at first. } } Pretty soon I took it for granted. No longer the life of an } unexceptional failing college super-senior in an obscure state } university, I was the Usenet *Oracle*! But, yeah, sometimes... late at } night... I'd toss and turn in bed worrying that one day someone would } call me out... } } Dammit. Oh, well, it was good while it lasted. } } "Orrie! I got everything." } } Everything? Handcuffs even? } } "Yes, in the box marked 'Baked potatoes, 1 gross.' Why are we dressing } up like farmers, Orrie?" } } Uh... we're going to a costume party in Djakarta. } } [Loud banging on the door; the terminal room echoes with the shouts of } enraged supplicants by the thousands demanding their tributes back.] } } That's it. Lisa and I have to go now. Maybe the angry mobs will think } we're ordinary farmers and we can make our escape and change our } identities; we should make it through the FBI roadblocks and airport } checkpoints OK. It'll be sad to think of this glorious lifestyle I had, } all gone; still, I should be able to get SOME cash in exchange for all } this junk I've managed to cram into the Dodge. We should be OK, Lisa } and I. So long, Usenet! It's been fun! } } You owe the Oracle blue suede shoes, Alex Wildstar's captain's hat, } and a new identity or else -- no, no, never mind. Sorry, force of } habit. --- 454-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "What is your name?" > "The Usenet Oracle." > "What is your quest?" > "I seek the Holy Grail." > "How much wood would a > woodchuck chuck if a > woodchuck would chuck > wood?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. A woodchuck cannot chuck wood, as the question implies, because } woodchucks don't own drills. A woodchuck can therefore only chuck } wood in its dreams, where it can in fact chuck as much wood as it } can imagine. Woodchucks don't have brains, so the answer is: } a splinter. } } 2. It is clear that a highly-motivated woodchuck could chuck more } wood than an indifferent woodchuck. We cannot know how much wood is } involved until we understand the motivation of the character. } Read "An Actor Prepares", by Konstantin Stanislavski, and resubmit } the question with a character study of Punxsatawney Phil. } } 3. About as much ground as a groundhog could hog if a } groundhog could hog ground. } } You owe the Oracle one full cord of seasoned hardwood, split and } neatly stacked. --- 454-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, mighty, all-powerful and omniscient Oracle, whose cup of > coffee I am unworthy to put milk and sugar in, > > What is Grissolms "short" maturity test? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is pleased with the quality of your groveling, and thereby } provides for your infinite pleasure, the complete text of } Grissolm's short maturity test. (Assuming you are talking about the } brilliant, yet obscure sociologist Frank "Muskrat" Grissolm, Jr.). } } Objective: This short test will determine if you are mature. } } Question: You are on a subway platform in Midtown Manhattan. } Getting on to the downtown express train is the most gorgeous person } of the opposite sex you've ever seen, who is beckoning you on } after having stuffed a $100 bill down your pants and whispering in your } ear "Come live with me in my sexual fantasyland." On the platform } waiting for the Queens local is your overweight spouse and your } nearsighted toddler. Do you get on the train? } } Scoring: You figure it out. } } You owe the Oracle a cup of black coffee.