From oracle-request Thu Jun 4 12:11:07 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 4 Jun 92 12:11:07 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #453 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 453 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #453 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Thu, 4 Jun 92 12:11:07 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 453 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 453-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What colour is a byte? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What no groveling? Thou snivelling worm wouldst dare to ask the great } and mighty Oracle a question referring to one of the simplest } structures of the universe, one which requires great concentration and } thought, and you do not abase yourself before the universal source of } knowledge known only as the Oracle? } } Oh well, I guess some people are just no fun. . . } } bytes come in a variety of colours and flavors. The best way to } understand what they look like is to understand their makeup. Now, as } everyone knows, each byte is made up of 2 nibbles and each nibble is } made up of 4 bits. The fundamenta question is: what colour are each } of the bits? } The best method of approaching this rather relative question, for } mere mortals can not even begin to comprehend the inner workings of the } universe, is to hit yourself over the head with a keyboard from a } Zenith Dataworks PC while going over the edge of Niagra falls while } dropping acid. When you surface, you will be surrounded (most likely) } by a variety of colors. Pick the one which seems to cover your body } the most and call that one 0. Next, pick the one which seems to be } missing completely from any or all of your perceptions and call that } one 1. Go back home, after paying the hospital and rehabilitation } clinic bill, and get two large pieces of nylon, one of each of the } colours which you chose. Get eight flashlights and in any order you so } choose wrap the nylon material over the flashlights. } Now comes the tricky part. Locate an underground military } missile base, sneak into it by night, break into their machine room and } crawl into the most easily accessable hole in the machine you can find. } Grab the nearest board and yank it out of its socket. Quickly now, } while there is still logic in some of the chips, shine each of the } flashlights you have with you on that board while uttering a prayer to } the great spirit of Univax. When you are shot by the rampant security } guards, the last color you will see will be the colour you sought after } so dearly, the colour of a byte. } } See, it helps to grovel, 'cos if you did, I would have told you the } easy way } } begone from my sight! } } You owe the Oracle a 8 X 10 glossy of Grace Hopper. --- 453-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > I don't have a question. I'm just going to send this in > again and again until someone composes a response witty > enough to make the Oracularities Digest. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't have an answer. I'm just going to send this back } again and again until some priest gets fed up and puts } it in the Oracularities Digest. --- 453-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, you have seen the sun rise and set through countless years. > You have watched the birth and death of stars. I have heard it said > that you were present at the last Big Bang and probably several Lesser > Bangs. I suspect that when the heat death of the universe comes upon > us, you will be patiently waiting for the toast to pop. If anyone has > perspective on the passage of time and the significance of our puny > lives within the Great Cosmic Scheme of It All, I figure it's you, no? > > So here I am, stuck in this mind-numbing job on a Friday afternoon. > Can you give me just a small pearl of wisdom to help me make it through > the last few hours until I can break out of this chicken coop? > Something to put it all into perspective? Something to guard my soul > against surrender to the agony of depair? I'd be _most_ thankful. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Day in, day out, the Oracle hears the cries of despair and ennui that } rise from people like you, trapped in an absurd human condition. "What } does it all mean?" you want to know. } } Time was, a younger and more energetic Oracle tried to answer every } existential query individually. But Usenet has grown apace, and let's } face it, "What is reality?" is FAQ number 1. Luckily, one of my } Servitors here at Indiana has just completed her adaptation of the } popular Unix "fortune" program. I'm sending along the manual page, and } I advise you to install it on your system soon, certainly before next } Friday afternoon. } ================= } } EFORTUNE(6) GAMES AND DEMOS EFORTUNE(6) } } NAME } efortune - print a random solution to existential angst } } SYNOPSIS } /usr/games/efortune [ -CfFHNpsz ] } } DESCRIPTION } efortune with no arguments prints out a random adage drawn } from the writings of the major existentialist traditions. } The flags mean: } } -C Christian existentialism. Adages drawn from } Kierkegaard, Tillich, Bultmann, etc. "I believe } because it is absurd." } } -f French existentialism. Adages drawn principally } from Camus and Sartre. "Hell is other people." } } -F French existentialism, pretentious option. Adages } are given in French. "L'enfer, c'est les Autres." } } -h Hacker. Self-explanatory. "The trampoline that } doesn't bend your brain is not the true trampo- } line." } } -H Hallmark. Adages from a greeting-card database. } "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." } } -N New Age. Drawn from Richard Bach, Shirley } Maclaine, Baba Ram Dass, et al. "Be Here Now." } On many systems output from the -N and -H flags } will be virtually indistinguishable. } } -p Parental. The good advice you used to get at } home. "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing } well." } } -s Suicidal. This option to be used with extreme } caution in cases of clinical depression; it } selects from a database of nihilistic adages from } Nietzsche et al. "Life is a bitch, then you die." } } -z Zen masters. "Does a dog have the Buddha-nature?" } "<>" } } FILES } /usr/games/lib/efortunes.dat } } BUGS } Could be more sophisticated; tried to understand Heidegger } but barfed. Should add an -S option for the Stoics but got } tired of Marcus Aurelius for being an upper-class twit. } Hallmark and New Age sayings reproduced without permission, } but hey, this is Un*x, we can do whatever we want! --- 453-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why does lightning strike tall medal objects? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because small, fluffy objects don't arc, glow, and explode in the same } diverting manner. Hamsters and gerbils and such have their own } sportive uses here on Olympus, which I will not go into here, as such } information does not pertain to your question. However, flattened and } dried, they make excellent, tactilely arousing frisbees. } } You owe the Oracle a round of "Little Bunny Foo-Foo". --- 453-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wondrous Oracle, whose beard extends for miles and houses all kinds > of amazing creatures, I asked you this question: > > > I have just found H. Ross Perot's credit card. What is the PIN > > number, that I may extract $20 to mail it back to him? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } 13 1 9 12 9 20 > > I tried these numbers, and they didn't work! What happened? Did the > Oracle give me his tuxedo measurements for his own amusement? Or are > these the answers to my roommate's upcoming calculus final? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Those numbers, O foolish mortal, are among the most powerful keys to } insight and bliss in the known multiverse and ought not be bandied } about on the internet! They constitute, for instance: } } the German telephone number of Helga, possessor of the most } fascinating collection of whips this side of Uranus } } the secret decryption key without which the last third of the } film 2001: A Space Odyssey makes no sense at all } } the exact map coordinates of the papyrus recording Joseph of } Arimethea's incredible prediction of Nostradamus } } my hourly consulting fee } } a simple hex patch that converts Daleks into tireless, } omni-enthusiastic pleasure-droids } } to name but a few. } } Now tell me, if they happen, from time to time, not to be Mr. Perot's } PIN number, is this *my* fault? } } You owe the Oracle: the complete works of Ron Goulart, and a } replacement moose (the need for which I REFUSE to go in to). --- 453-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle Sir: > > Recently, I tried to improve my drab, wretched life by instigating > a romantic liaison with a young lady of an amiable nature. This > process was initiated with an exchange that is often described in the > vernacular as "a pass." She was, unfortunately, unresponsive. > > Seeing that my experiences at making "passes" was indeed limited, I > decided, as the future Quality Control Expert I am destined to become, > to ask this young lady to point out the flaws in my process. To wit, > I sent her (via e-mail), the following document: > > As a recent recipient of a LO-YIELD(tm) pass (#314, "It's > better than saying 'What's your sign?'"), we ask you to take > the time to fill out the following questionnaire so that we > can improve the quality of our service to customers such as > yourself. > > 1) Subtlety level: > > 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 > What pass? It could be detected on the moon > > 2) Reasons for rejection (you may check more than one): > > a) Didn't know it was a pass > b) Appearance (e.g. scruffy-looking) > c) Personality (e.g. bizarre sense-of-humor) > d) Testimony from acquaintances > e) Afraid friends would find out > f) Other ______________________________________ > ______________________________________ > > 3) How can we improve the LO-YIELD(tm) pass? > > 4) Considering our willingness to adopt your suggestions, what > steps would be necessary for you to consider responding > positively to a LO-YIELD(tm) pass? (e.g. promise of > moderate-to-expensive dinner with excellent conversation.) > Would you have preferred a BLATANT(tm) pass instead? > > 5) Are you considering the use of biochemical weapons to > repulse the LO-YIELD(tm) pass? > > 6) Extraneous comments: > > Thank you for your comments and cooperation. > > The reaction to this document was suprising: she slugged me. > > What did I do wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, my dear supplicant - don't worry: The Oracle is on your side and } will try to find out, what is going on here. } Doesn't seem to be altogether easy, though. I asked Lisa, but she told } me leave her alone with this crap. (I guess, she had PMS (tm).) So, we } will again make this a case for OODA, the Omniscient Oracular Detective } Agency. } } (The Oracle reaches for his Oracular phone, all marble with a golden } receiver and a platinum dial. He seems to dial a number and talks some } short sentences into the microphone.) } No problem. The OODA agent will soon arrive. Gotta go now! } } (Five minutes later, the Oracle, disguised as an interviewer } with a notepad and a moustache is leaving the house. The only thing } that you'd notice as a difference to the usual appearance of an } interviewer is his white bathgown and his big -gun hanging from } his belt.) } } (The Oracle is ringing the door bell on the house of supplicant's one } and only love, Angie. The door opens, a beautiful woman appears.) } } Angie: Yes? } Oracle: Well, I am coming from OODA, the, er, Obsolete Offbeat Debate } Agency. We are performing an investigation about the way people } approach other people. Could you give us certain information, } which will of course remain confidential, about the last time a } person has approached you? } Angie: Yes, certainly, er, do I get into a TV show then? } Oracle: We might consider that. The first question: } 1) Subtlety level: } 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 } What pass? It could be detected on the } moon } Angie: Let's say, he wasn't much trying to hide, what he was up to. } I go for '7'. } Oracle: The second question: } 2) Reasons for rejection (you may check more than one): } a) Didn't know it was a pass } b) Appearance (e.g. scruffy-looking) } c) Personality (e.g. bizarre sense-of-humor) } d) Testimony from acquaintances } e) Afraid friends would find out } f) Other ______________________________________ } ______________________________________ } Angie: It's d), I guess. But then, I didn't really reject him. } Oracle: Fine. The third question: } 3) How can we improve the LO-YIELD(tm) pass? } Angie: Well, one could add a little more subtlety to the way, he is } tearing my clothes off me. } Oracle: Er, yes. (Looks rather embarrassed.) And now for the forth } question: } 4) Considering our willingness to adopt your suggestions, what } steps would be necessary for you to consider responding } positively to a LO-YIELD(tm) pass? (e.g. promise of } moderate-to-expensive dinner with excellent conversation.) } Would you have preferred a BLATANT(tm) pass instead? } Angie: (looking rather worried) But I DID respond in the positive! } Oracle: (now also looking rather worried) Really? } 5) Are you considering the use of biochemical weapons to } repulse the LO-YIELD(tm) pass? } Angie: Certainly not. } Oracle: Do you have any } 6) Extraneous comments: } Angie: Sorry, I haven't got the time for that now... --- 453-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mcglk@bike.rad.washington.edu (Ken McGlothlen) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Oracle dude! How's about helping a fellow out? > > You know what? I seem to have a small soft spot on the left rear of > my skull. If I rub it hard enough, funny things happen: all vision > in my right eye goes gray, I lose all sensation on the right half of > my face, and eventually I begin to drool. Overall, it feels pretty > good. Isn't that weird? > > I can't seem to stop doing it. It's sort of like having an itch, > knowing that this spot is there. Yesterday I found myself exploring it > with a pencil point to see if anything different happens (I found a > small spot, in and then up just a bit, that caused my right leg to lash > out suddenly. Neat, huh?) > > Anyway, the problem is that my officemate thinks this is very strange, > and is getting concerned. What do you think? Is he retentive, or > what? I think he is worrying about nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn > nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnothing oops, > sorry about that. Personally I think it is getting better -- at first > I really had to press hard to get the effect, now all I have to do is > wear a hat! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whatever happened to the good old days, when supplicants would grovel? } } 1) Yes, I will help a fellow out. } 2) Yes, I do know what. I am omniscient. I also know how, where, } when, and sometimes why. } 3) The effect is not weird; you are. } 4) No, it is not neat. If such places are just haphazardly strewn } about the body, it is a very poorly organized body, and therefore not } neat. } 5) Everything, all at once. } 6) Yes, he is retentive. He has yet to donate half his yearly income } to the "Save the Oracle" foundation. What happended to the generous } people? } } My commentary: You seem to have touched upon a nerve with your point. } In fact, the nerve you have touched upon is directly connected to your } body's IHDG (Internalized Hallucinatory Drug Gland), and touching that } nerve causes an isomer of PCP to be released into your blood stream. } However, it is only released into the right half of your blood stream, } and is metabolized before it has a chance to dissipate into the left } half. Effects of this drug are identical to those you have described. } Unfortunately, the by-products of this drug are identical to those } formed by PCP, so they will appear in your urine for the next 4 months. } Be prepared to fail your next piss test. } } You owe the Oracle a "Mr. Wizard Whiz-Quiz Cheat Kit" and a small } bottle. Plus your first-born male child. --- 453-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As I stagger though the great mysteries of life, confounded, > dumbfounded and constantly beaten over the head with large rocks, I > wonder to myself whether I will find any satisfaction in my sufferings. > I have come to you oh Great and Mighty Oracle of untold wisdom. I > beseech of you to grant me the answer to the great question that eludes > computer science majors everywhere. . . > > when shall I ever get a girlfriend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your utter ignorance of the laws of the universe is demonstrated by the } usage of the words "computer science" and "girlfriend" in the same } breath, or for that matter, in the same university. } } The answer is, of course, never, unless you succeed in doing what a } friend of mine wants to do. He wants to, and I quote, "program [his] } computer to give blow jobs." If you like your meat processed, well, } he's the guy to go to. Otherwise, forget it. } } And don't even _think_ about the large-chested woman with slight acne } in your data structures class. She's a grad student in math, and her } boyfriend is a P.E. teacher at the local high school who used to play } college football, and could kick your butt to an arc high above the } city. } } No, not the computer room operator, either. She's cute, but she's } obviously not a CS major (she knows how to use Lotus 1-2-3) and she } only dates frat boys. } } If you really want my advice, I would recommend taking up bonsai trees } as a fast-paced hobby to speed up your flagging social life in general. } Or maybe you could shave your head and don an orange robe and sell } flowers on the street on commission. } } You owe the Oracle a 144-pack of Trojans for Lisa. You can take one } out for yourself so that you see what one looks like before you die. --- 453-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle: > > My brother is getting married next month. I'm going > to be the best man at the ceremony, which means I have > to make the first toast at the reception. I can't > think of what to say. Do you have any suggestions? > > Thanks a bunch! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid that The Oracle is probably not the best person } to ask about toasts. Having been honorary best man at } several mortal weddings, I have provided several toasts } that always seemed correct and to the point but are never } well received. } } I believe the last one was "You shall live long and prosper, } right up until Nancy has that horrible accident." Seemed } honest and from the heart to Me. People are funny. Another } of my favorites was "Live together in peace and harmony . . . while } you still can." Anybody else could have gotten away with that, but } from the Oracle it was just not taken correctly. Then of course } comes the complaining and the name calling and the pointing and the } ing and well, lets just say that The Oracle doesn't get asked } to be best man very often any more. } } But you did ask for my advice, so I'll give it a shot. Let } me access your brother's file . . . hmmm. How can I put this. } Try: "Breath in life, drink together from the cup of experience, } contribute to the lives of those around you, and . . . have that } mole removed." Feel free to edit that, but I think I'm getting better } at this. } } You owe the Oracle a glass of champagne. --- 453-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wondrous Oracle, I come humbly to you in the quest for > enlightenment. I have to sit a Physics exam soon, and I wanted to know > what you would advise concentrating on in my revision, bearing in > mind that I want to pass. > > Basking in the light of your wisdom, > > Norwin Simms And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have backtracked your earlier tests and used my clairvoyance unit } to predict the questions on your exam. This data has then been } fed to my analysis organ for lower earth-creatures and the } result is a study guide which you should follow. } } ---------------- BEGIN ----------------- } } Chapter 1, Digits. } } If you have a lot of things of the same kind, it is somewhat exhausting } to denote these things by saying, for example "a tree and another } tree and another tree and another tree and another tree". } } It is easier to take the amount of trees and say that the amount } of them equals a certain number, in this case '5'. } } To grasp the concept of numbers & digits you could use your fingers. } Close both your hands and stick out one of your thumbs, as if } hitchhiking. } } You now see '1' finger (to make this easier, consider your thumb as a } finger). Now extend your other thumb, keep the first one up. } You now see '2' fingers. } If you continue to extend one finger at a time, you will end up with } '9' fingers (you should have let that firecracker go a bit earlier). } } The digits you have passed through are: } 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 } ! ! ! } ! ! Praise the lord ! } ! Thumbs up ! } !Hitchhiking } } If you close both your hands you can see '0' fingers. It might seem } a bit silly to have a digit for nothing, but you will see that it can } be helpful. } } How should you do if there are more trees than you fingers ? } } Well, image this superhuman being, with all your fingers, plus one } more, sticking out of each of his fingertips. If he would extend } only ONE of his fingers, he automatically would show the same } amount of fingertips as you would if you would stick out all your } fingers, PLUS ONE MORE ! } } This is called '10' fingers. You probably recognize the two digits } from before, but the trick here is to group them together. } You could say that it means : } 10 } !+--------------------+ } ! ! } ONE superhuman finger, and, NONE of your fingers } } This method is very reliable and has been used a very long time, but } what if there are more trees than all of your fingers and all of the } superhuman's fingers together ? ('99' that is) } } Well, imagine a european football team with '10' superhuman } members. If each of the players would extend one of their superhuman } fingers, we would see '100' fingertips. } } You got it ? } } With this method you could get up to '999', if all of the } team, the superhuman and you would extend all of your fingers. } } If you would like to go higher, imagine a european football league with } '10' teams. } } You can go up to 9999 } } Now imagine '10' divisions in the league, each division with '10' } teams. } } You can reach 99999. } } This should be enough for a while. } } Chapter 2, Addition } } Addition is mostly noted with a '+' sign. This means that the sum } of the digits to the right of the '+' should be added to the sum } of the digits to the left of the '+'. } } To make it easy, do like this. } } Collect all the football teams, the superhuman and yourself. } } Stick out your fingers according to the digits to the left of the '+' } sign. } } Ask you nanny to take a photo of this. } } Now, stick out your fingers according to the digits to the right of the } Pin the first photo to your shirt. } Ask your nanny to take a photo of this as well. } } Get the second photo and count the number of fingers you can see } on the photo and on the photo on the photo. } } You now have the result of the addition. } } ---------- END ----------- } } You owe the oracle to play around with nine firecrackers , } or possibly one superfirecracker.