From oracle-request Wed Jun 3 13:16:27 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 3 Jun 92 13:16:27 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #452 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 452 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #452 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Wed, 3 Jun 92 13:16:27 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 452 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 452-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > O Oracle, who has more toys than anyone, please tell me: > > (I asked this question before, but problems in the mail squished my > answer.) > > My name is Sara. S-A-R-A. And I have been working in the same place > for two years. Somehow, most of the other people here are absolutely > determined to affix an "H" to the end of my name. I don't know why. I > have told them many times, even to the extent of sending an office-wide > E-mail pleading for them to spell my name correctly. How can I stop > the plague of the H's? Should I start misspelling all their names on > purpose? > > Help! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } < vacation, this question has been sent to the Oracle's grad > } < students. We find them now working on the issue. > } } Mr. Data: I find it intrigueing that someone would become emotionally } distraght over the correct spelling of a word that merely } references their being. } } Marvin: Its soooo depressing. I've spent several billion years } parking cars and being referred to as "you", "hey, metalhead" } This torture is too much for me. Look at me, brain the size of } a planet, and I can't be called by my name. How am i supposed } to help someone else? } } Eddie: Gee guys, why don't we have ourselves a quick romp and then } see what we can come up with. } } Mr. Data: We seem to be digressing from the topic of discourse. To } comment on possible courses of action, purposefully } misspelling names may create undue hostility. } } Marvin: I have nothing useful to say, I never do. I would work on my } thesis but my aching diodes are acting up. } } } } Eddie: Boy what a kidder that Marvin is, I'd almost believe that } he'd gone and shut himself down. The solution is so simple, } she should follow the big companies (Apple and Intel), and sue } her coworkers for look and feel infringement. It clear to my } that they were trying to make up someone that was just like } her with one small detail changed so that they could have } someone to do the same job for less. } } Mr. Data: Economics aren't relevant to this. It is an issue of human } nature, why do people continue to do something that bothers } someone even after they are told otherwise } } } } Oracle: You _STILL_ haven't agreed upon an answer? Here I am managing } the space/time continuum for a few days and you boobs can't } even answer a trivial question? Can't you remeber that we have } a contract to answer 1,000 questions a second? *sigh* As usual } I'll have to answer it. } } The problem with the extra H's is caused by your officemates being } jealous at your name being so short, and easy to type. This irritates } most humanoid life-forms, causing them to find a way to alter things to } their advantage. By adding an extra 'H' at the end of your name, they } have increased the length of your name, and made it more difficult to } type, while maintaining the same pronunciation. Quite an ingenious } solution. To this matter, many people have stopped using the name, } Sara, and started using Sarah (with an 'H' appended). } } Misspelling their names, if done so humorously, such as changing "Bob" } to "Boob", "Frank" to "Fink", and "Viki" to "Triki" may get the message } across. However, DO NOT MISSPELL THE NAME OF YOUR BOSS. Boss creatures } throughout the universe do not like, get, or understand any form of } joke, or whatnot, and will try to interpret all such acts as a } challenge to their bossliness. } } Theh oracleh suggestsh thath youh appendh theh letterh 'H'h toh allh } thingsh sendh toh yourh coworkersh untilh theyh figureh outh whereh } thereh shouldn'th beh anh 'H'h. } } You owe the Oracle a grad student. --- 452-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose knowledge outshines even the orange face of Roger > Moore in so many Bond films, is it true that the distance from the top > of a man's third finger to the extent to which he can bend it down on > his palm, is a approximately equal to the length of his John Thomas? > > Or am I merely fortunate in having ten-foot long fingers? > > Weirdbeard the revision expert, > under a bus, > Kuala Lumpur (or anywhere with a Lump in it) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Y'know, even invoking the name of Roger Moore in connection to Bond } films -- as opposed to the far superior Sean Connery -- was enough to } make me dole out a few s a few decades ago. Now, however, I have } accepted the fact that none shall surpass Connery, though many have } tried, and I have merely contented myself by teleporting iguanas into } Timothy Dalton's shorts. } } As for the question of the magnitude of your j.t.: As with much } scientific fact, this is one that has been so incredibly } oversimplified by the popular media that the math behind this } statement has been overlooked. } } It is really governed by the equation } } l = a l + b IQ + c Age } JT palm } } for which the coefficients a,b, and c still defy precise measurement, } although new attempts are being made by statisticians evey year. } } The factor a is on the order of .5 or so, if the length is in inches, } and b is on the order of .003. c is on the order of .1, if age is } measured in millenia, which is why the growth of one's j.t. throughout } adult life tends to go unnoticed by mortals. } } As a sample calculation, here's myself: } } l = .5 (6 in) + .0015 (10,000) + .1 (5 x 10^7) } } which you can figure out for yourself. As for yourself, you gave your } palm size (120 in), your age is about 20, and your IQ must be around } -40000 if you can't figure out for yourself whether your ten-foot } hands correspond to your j.t. So, we get } } l = 60 in - 60 in + .1 (20/1000) } } I pity you, Weirdface the Koala, in having only .002 inches at your } disposal, but then again, them's the breaks. } } You owe me the Clarence Thomas video collection. --- 452-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, there's a very large spider sitting on top of my computer. > It's so large I can see its book lungs oscillating and it's staring > right at me! > > I'm Arachnaphobic and am holding onto a politically correct atomizing > pump bottle of Raid by JohnsonWax. Enviormental hazard one on the > label is that the product is toxic to fish. > > Should I kill the creature at this point? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After checking to make sure there are no fish in your computer, yes. } } (By the way, the Oracle is enjoying immensely the vision of you } desperately waiting for a "You have new mail" message as you hold } your Raid and pray that the spider will neither find its way into } your floppy drive slot nor leap off the computer onto your face } where it will oscillate its book lungs as you shriek and clutch } frantically at yourself as it tightens its grip and trails its } loathsome ichor and prepares to sink its sabre-sharp fangs into... } } Ahem. Perhaps not the most appropriate language to address to } an arachnophobe. The Oracle commends you on your faith in His } power to address you swiftly in this your moment of utmost need.) --- 452-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle whose sexual prowess and knowledge are so enormous and > widelknown that women like Lisa gladly become your consort, I have a > burning question that only one of your immense brilliance (dazzling me > like Loni Anderson's ... smile) can answer: > > Why does something as normal and boring as "coitus interruptus" have > such a silly name? > > Signed, > not a Catholic And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Adorning the mundane and annoying with tesselated monikers decreases } the indignities of having said inanities visited upon your person. The } example you cite is only one example of this phenomenon. A current } illustration of this principle is the advertising campaign being waged } by Volkswagen. By attaching the word "fahrvergnugen" to their product, } they have thus made the "experience" of owning one a sort of badge of } honor. In truth, the literal translation of the word breaks down } thusly: } } "fahr" = to fart, from the old Teutonic "pfarten", } in the VW context, refers both the the } strong exhaust smell encountered while } driving and to the sound of the engine. } } "verg" = to drift, from the old French "verger", } this accurately describes the handling } of the vehicle } } "nugen" = German slang for the head, this has } crossed the Atlantic and lodged itself } in our own venacular as "noggin." This } refers to the inordinate diminutativeness } of VWs and the resulting head traumas } incurred when entering or exiting the } vehicles. } } So, you see Supplicant, if we are to speak literally of this word that } this particularly deceitful automaker has pawned off on the } unsuspecting public as a celebratory exclamation, we are actually } saying something quite different. Literally, fahrvergnugen: "bad } noisy smell swerve and bump head." Madison Avenue it ain't. } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Bill Clinton. --- 452-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Myself The Almighty Usenet Oracle > :-) :-< > > :-) <-ZOT-< :-D > > :-O <-ZOT-< :-> > > :-( | *bounce* :-| > > :-( >-TOZ-> :-} > > :-| >-TOZ-> :-O > > :-) *thwarp* > > As you can see, bounced *ZOT*s turn into *TOZ*s. What happens to > Almighty O? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Cheeky The } Supplicant Big } Offal O } :-) >:-> } } :-) >:-> ---> "Oh Lisa, my lamb, bring me } the transmogrifier, will } you?" } } (:-| >:-> ------- } | ACME | :-)-8--< } ------- } } (:-\ >:-> ---> "Why thank you dearest, } keep the the blender running, } I'll be done finished here } presently." } } ' ------- ` } {:-< >:-> ' | ACME |` ---> rattle, } ping, rattle } ' ------- ` } } {:-O >:-D } } {|-0 >:-D } } *THWARP* :-) --- 452-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have studied you case very carefully usenet oracle... here iz what i > have come up with. > > > } All knowing? Sure > > Hmmm, you are increasingly vain, I zuzpect this was caused by the fact > that when you were a child you found out how many licks it takes to get > to the center of a tootsi pop! > > > } First, rip the offending organ out of the body, > > } which may require breaking the breastbone, > > Very violent as well, this could have been caused by the fact that you > couldn't ever again get center of tootsi pop without biting. > > > } You owe the Oracle a question that's meant to be > > } taken literally. > > Well I pondered this the most, it zeems you have an inner complex cause > by a defective mental block, if thiz iz true then you zhould rebuild > thiz mental block, i happen to have a contracting friend that will fill > the concrete and pour it for dirt cheep... well anyways if you have any > more questions please call me at dial-a-shrink, i'll dizcusz my fee's > later, > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm... yours is an interesting case, but my psychotherapy is VERY } advanced. } } First, your insistence in pretending to be the therapist instead of the } patient is a classic example of the "therapy reversal" syndrome, where } you want to consider yourself cured before you begin. Keep in mind } that this WON'T get you out of paying my bill. } } Second, your repeated unnecessary use of the "z" key reveals a } deep-seated "inferiority complex". We'll start intensive work on this } next week. } } Lastly, your suspicious lack of grovelling, combined with the offhand } insults, is a symptom of a "death wish". We may not need another } session, but if you are still capable of movement next week, stop by. } } You owe the Oracle $250 an hour. Now tell me about your mother... --- 452-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HI, Mr. Oracle Sir!!!! > Sorry if this is a FAQ, but I've heard that a FAQ is something > everybody already knows, but since I don't know the answer to this > everybody doesn't know it, so it can't be a FAQ, so here I go ... > > I've just created about the most Awesome change directory program ever > written. If it doesn't find the target directory through an > exhaustive CDPATH search, it uses the most sophisticated spelling > corrector (based on a thorough analysis of Webster's on-line > dictionary, and a list of the 1000 most common directory names on Unix > systems throughout the world) to try to find a match that way. If > that fails, then it tries to create the directory, and if that fails, > it opens /dev/uri-geller, and reads the mind of the invoker to try to > figure out what to do. It executes with almost 0 impact on system > resources, and is most truly the finest/tightest code ever to grace > the memory of a computer. > > The only problem is that it doesn't work. No matter how I've tried, > once I've done that last chdir (and I've tried doing several identical > chdir(2)'s in a row to see if that would make the directory change > more "sticky" but that didn't work) I always end up where I started in > the shell I started my program in. I've tried setting the PWD, and > CWD variables with putenv(3), but that doesn't seem to have any effect. > > What it really seems to me, is I need some way of telling the shell > what directory it's supposed to be in when my program is done > executing. Put more simply, I need a way of modifying the environment > of a parent process. > > E-mail responses only. There's too much noise on this bboard for me to > be able to read it. And HURRY!!! I need to turn this project in by > 5pm tonight !!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jeez. RTFM, for crying out loud! To wit: } } FRIG(2V) SYSTEM CALLS FRIG(2V) } } NAME } frig - create a new parent } } SYNOPSIS } int frig() } } SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS } pid_t frig() } } DESCRIPTION } frig() creates a new parent for a child process. All } environment variables set under the child process are passed } to the parent process when it is created. } } In general, the environment of the parent process is every- } thing the child ever wanted it to be. Its current working } directory is near Walt Disney World, and it will have } spawned several Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shells. Once } frig() is called all child processes are allowed to have a } pony, shoot their BB guns in the backyard, and stay up to } watch David Letterman. } } SEE ALSO } incest(2V) --- 452-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O zippy Oracle, O dippy Oracle, O flippy Oracle > who surely knows _all_ the words that end in "ippy" > and therefor could continue this simple grovel > for a long time, please tell me this: > > can a millipede have a segmentation fault? > does it have sement registers, and if so, how many? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, there is no such thing as a millipede: it's really ten } centipedes working in parallel. Your question should read: } } "Can ten centipedes, working in parallel, have a segmentation fault?" } } However, a centipede is really a prototype Intel 80986 bioengineered } microprocessor with 100 pins. Your question should read: } } "Can ten prototype Intel 80986 bioengineered microprocessors with 100 } pins, working in parallel, have a segmentation fault?" } } A bioengineered microprocessor is really a carbon-based chain of } genetically restructured DNA helixes (patent pending). This changes } your question to: } } "Can ten prototype Intel 80986 carbon-based chains of genetically } restructured DNA helixes (patent pending) with 100 pins, working in } parallel, have a segmentation fault?" } } A segmentation fault is really "an untrapped, unexpected result } appearing on one of the system buses". Your question now reads: } } "Can ten prototype Intel 80986 carbon-based chains of genetically } restructured DNA helixes (patent pending) with 100 pins, working in } parallel, have an untrapped, unexpected result appearing on one of the } system buses?" } } "Ten" should read "approximately ten, within an acceptable margin of } error". "Prototype" should read "a bug-filled hunk of crud cobbled } together by the R&D department". "Intel" should read "megacorporation } choking on its own bureaucracy". Thus, your question becomes: } } "Can approximately ten, within an acceptable margin of error, } bug-filled hunks of crud cobbled together by the R&D department of a } megacorporation choking on its own bureaucracy 80986 carbon-based } chains of genetically restructured DNA helixes (patent pending) with } 100 pins, working in parallel, have an untrapped, unexpected result } appearing on one of the system buses?" } } The answer, by the way, is "no". Have a nice day. --- 452-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Lisa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa is the Oracle's girlfriend, and lemme tell you what *she* } can do! Oop, hang on, I need to check something first... } } > rlogin alt.human.history } } Welcome to probabilistic alternate reality generator for } ============== } (human, Earth) } ============== } history. Please enter scenario: } } oracle > Oracle tells supplicant what Lisa can do } } 47.3% Supplicant suffers massive coronary, dies } 41.8% Supplicant suffers irreversible psychological damage } 10.9% Supplicant makes a large mess in pants } } (Hmmm... sounds a bit risky, but no grovelling in that query, after } all..) } } oracle > Oracle tells supplicant what Lisa did last night } } 53.6% Supplicant suffers massive coronary, dies } 40.0% Supplicant suffers irreversible psychological damage } 6.4% Supplicant makes a large mess in pants } } (Now, you wouldn't like that at all, but it might be more fun than a } ) } } oracle > Oracle tells supplicant what Lisa is doing right now } } 89.1% Supplicant makes a large mess in pants } 6.5% Supplicant suffers irreversible psychological damage } 4.4% Supplicant suffers massive coronary, dies } } (Zounds, this supplicant has a limited response set!) } } oracle > Oracle declines to tell supplicant what Lisa can do } } 99.0% Supplicant goes to an early grave, wondering and frustrated } 1.0% Supplicant figures it out } } (Oh, We *like* the early grave part...) } } oracle > exit } } (Closing connection) } } You owe the Oracle the answer to the question "What can Lisa do?" --- 452-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So Mr. Oracle, just how many subscriptions to my > newsgroups have you sold since I've been away? > > Steve Kinzler And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE FIRST BOOK OF ORACLE: } } And unce upon a time there were three Oracles living in a house } together with their newsgroup administrator. And it happened that the } newsgroup administrator went to Greece (remember this is a parable and } supposed to happen in the long gone past, where Olympic games in Spain } weren't yet invented), to Delphi to be precise. } And he said to the three Oracles: Take care of your supplicants while } I'm gone. } And so he went and divided the newsgroup into three: These were } alt.humor.oracle, rec.humor.oracle and rec.humor.oracle.d. And he set } each Oracle over one newsgroup and went to Spain, er, Greece. } And while he was away, the Oracles went forth and answered questions, } each one to his best ability. } And there came the day, when their newsgroup administrator came back } and asked: } > So Mr. Oracle, just how many subscriptions to my } > newsgroups have you sold since I've been away? } And the first Oracle came to his newsgroup administrator and said: } "See, I have multiplied the number of supplicants and there are five } times as many subscriptions now to rec.humor.oracle as there were } before." And the NewsAdmin said: "Well, I see that you are a faithful } Oracle. Go in there to that Really Big Barbecue Party I will give. And } you shall drink five extra beers to my health." } And then came the second Oracle and he said: "See, I have multiplied } the number of supplicants and there are now twice and a half as many } supplcants in rec.humor.oracle.d as there were before. And I even } managed to get a few readers from comp.database.oracle." And the Admin } said: "Well, I see that you are a wise and cunning Oracle. Go in to } that BBQ party and drink two and a half extra beers to my health." } Then the Newsgroup Administrator turned his face to the third Oracle } and he asked him: "And how have you done my dear Oracle?" } And the Oracle said: "Well, I know that you are a strong and } unforgiving Administrator. Therefore I stopped newsgroup traffic } altogether and only sent out some Oracularities now and then. This I } did, for not losing too many supplicants, and, see, the number of } subscriptions to alt.humor.oracle has remained nearly the same." } And the Newsgroup Administrator said: "I see that you are a bad and } untrue Oracle and thus thou shalt not go to my BBQ party and shalt not } drink an extra beer to my health." } And the Oracle said "" and went to that BBQ party with the } remains of the Newsgroup Administrator and put him on the grill and } told the other two Oracles that they needn't drink to his health any } more. } } You owe the Oracle a less embarrassing question. And an invitation to a } BBQ.