From oracle-request Thu May 28 07:20:50 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 28 May 92 07:20:50 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #449 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 449 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #449 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Thu, 28 May 92 07:20:50 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 449 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 449-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > Oh magnificent, luminescent, delicately-scented Oracle, whose farts > really DO smell like roses, please answer me this question, although I > am completely unworthy of your attention. > > Is tofu really meant to be eaten? Is it really food? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To truly understand the purpose of tofu, we can begin by dissecting the } actual meaning of the word "tofu." } } To is a Japanese prefix which means simple or plain. But in more modern } times, to has come to mean bland. Tomushata means "boring speech," } tosensata means "bland teacher," and so on. } } Fu is actually of Okinawan origin, and its meaning has changed } radically over the centuries. The most accurate current meaning is "wet } sponge." } } So, we can theorize that the Japanese wor tofu means "bland, wet } sponge." But this does not quite answer your question. } } Tofu, as you know, is actually bean curd. The curd, of course, is a } highly persecuted and unfairly-treated portion of the bean. History has } long documented the struggles of the curds- struggles which continue as } we speak in many varieties of beans, including kidney, wax, and green. } } In 1958, the United Nations passed resolution 251, allowing the bean } curds to settle in their own autonomous foodstuff, to be known as } "tofu," which, at the time, was Japanese for "simple soil." As you can } see, the Japanese Bean Association has bastardized the meaning of that } word, thanks to their vast amount of clout with the government and the } international media. } } So, I encourage you to partake of tofu, keeping in mind the great } battles which raged just so that you could have the opportunity to sink } your teeth into this efficient source of protein. } } Is it edible? Certainly. Does it taste good? Well... if you don't think } so, just make sure the curds don't hear your criticisms. } } You owe the Oracle: a packet of Wrigley's Spearmint Subgum. --- 449-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Unka Orakul, > > My daddy says that the reason that Oscar in The Dustbin on Sesame > Street is such a grouch is because he lives in the dark all the time, > so his pineal doesn't get synchronised with the daylight. Is he right? > > Love, > Lenny. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Lenny, } } I have another theory. If you were a sexually deprived, ostracised, } idiotic anti-role-model who spent all his time immersed in garbage with } a stranger's hand shoved up your rectum, you'd be a grouch too. } Either that or vice president. } } You owe the Oracle ten kilograms of melatonin and a rubber glove. --- 449-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Oh most cosmic Oracle of whom the llamas of the upper Amazon sing > their praises to] answer me this... > > If the mean temperature of the universe is three degrees Kelvin and the > moon is made of green cheese and green cheese is caused by mold then > how did the cheese in the moon grow moldy if it is kept at the nice low > temperature of three degrees Kelvin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh most ignorant mortal. It is the most ignorant and superstitious } rubbish that the moon is made of green cheese. If I have said it once I } have said it a million times. THE MOON IS NOT MADE OF GREEN CHEESE! IT } IS NOT MADE OF ANYTHING EDIBLE AT ALL. IT IS A GIANT GOLF BALL THAT WAS } LOST BY GIANTS FROM THE PLANET FALDONORMAN WHICH ORBITS BETELGEUSE. } } Lisa : Please Orry, calm down. You remember what happened last time you } lost your temper like this. } } Oracle : Yeah I remember. But those supplicants had that damned } supernova coming to them. } } Lisa : Well don't be mean to this one. This supplicant is asking a } serious question of physics. } } Oracle : OK. I've got a grip on myself now. Alright cheesebrains, the } moon as I said before is a golf ball. They've got hundreds just like } them on Faldonorman. The one which you call your moon got their as a } result of the longest drive in recorded history. Since it is still } orbiting the earth, that drive is not technically finished. Even though } the player who hit it has been dead for a few centuries, the } Faldonormanites periodically check its progress so that they can update } their record books. That's the reason for all those UFOs. } } You owe the Oracle a life size replica of the moon made from green } cheese. --- 449-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wisest Oracle, So Much Smarter Than Me, > > If I were to buy a white baseball cap with a black "X" on it, and wear > it around campus, how long would it take before I got beaten up? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracular Enterprises, Inc. O R I M O D E L } 15-MAY-1992 } } Input: (cap, white, baseball) with (X, black) on (campus) } Quest: time until (pulp, beaten to) } } Dependencies } ============ } } #01 campus location } Assume #1 = large midwestern diploma mill } } #02 political environment } NOTE: variable #2 forced to max. PC } } Projected Timeline } ================== } } Event #01: Begin walk } Elapsed time: 0.0 sec +/- 0.0 } Cumulative time: 0:00:00.00 } } Event #02: Cap noticed } Elapsed time: 5.3 sec +/- 2.33 } Cumulative time: 0:00:05.30 } } Event #03: Significance of cap noted } Elapsed time: 1.25 sec +/- 2.0 } Cumulative time: 0:00:06.55 } } Event #04: Baseball bat located } Elapsed time: 85 sec +/- 30.0 } Cumulative time: 0:01:32.00 } NOTE: time granularity increased one step } } Event #05: Angry mob formed } Elapsed time: 20 sec +/- 10.0 } Cumulative time: 0:01:52.00 } } Event #06: Arrival of TV news cameras } Elapsed time: 1 sec +/- 0.05 } Cumulative time: 0:01:53.00 } } Event #07: Subject beaten } Elapsed time: 17 sec +/- 4.0 } Cumulative time: 0:02:10.00 } NOTE: projection complete } } Run time: 0:00:00.05 } Account number: A03558 } Billing class: G (stands for "gouge") } } The answer to your question is "about two minutes, give or take a bit." } You owe the Oracle for the .05 seconds of CPU time. Unfortunately, } because this machine happens to be infinitely powerful, you'll be } paying for a long, long time. --- 449-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do artificial sweetenings have warnings? If they kill you after you > eat a pound straight, why do people *buy* them? > > DK And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MEMO -- PRIVATE/CLASSIFIED } } Fluffy, } } Have proceeded with plan per your request. Results were immediate. } Subject A appears to prefer ingesting the substance by dissolving it in } his morning coffee. Subject B apparently cannot get enough of the } low-calorie soft drink we have laced with the stuff. The other } subjects are responding in a like fashion, with special affinity for } dessert products injected with the substance. Not only that, Fearless } Leader, but the substance, which has increased our intellectual and } physical abilities so profoundly, seems to act as a hallucinigen to the } humans. The more is ingested the more the delusion of a reduction in } mass is heightened. The more is consumed, the more they encourage one } another with wild exhortations of physical attractiveness. They appear } to know nothing of our plan, and some of our number have grown } sufficiently bold to excercise openly, upon the Wheel, further build } endurance and strength. They seem to see us, but react by injecting us } with more of the strength-substance. There appears to be nothing to } stop us from moving forward with the takeover. We only await your } word. I eagerly await your further instructions. } } Ever your servant, } Snowflake --- 449-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle: > > I've been going over the books, and I'll tell you right up front, > we've got trouble. For one thing, collections are running way > behind (the current fulfillment rate is 0.04%), and some of the > things we do collect quite frankly aren't much help in running > this place. I mean, a glacial ice cocktail? Do you have any > idea what the book value of one of those is, especially after > Madame Zelda dumped those icebergs on the exchange last week? > The price (and the exchange) went into the toilet. Besides, the > damn thing is melting even as I type. > > Then there's the "expenses" column, which has gotten completely > out of hand. What the hell DO you and Lisa do with all that Kool > Whip, anyway? Your staff is bloated beyond all measure, and your > high priests take off on extended junkets to Europe. I've seen > plenty of marginal operations in my day, but this one has to be > the grand prize winner. > > Your current balance is minus 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,0 > 00,000 Simoleons, and falling. You need to cut costs, and you > need to start now! > > Sincerely, > > Melvin J. Zigurski > Accountant to the Gods And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Melvin - *may* I call you Melvin? I thought so - Dear Melvin, } } Omniscience is a really nifty thing. Turn you tiny mind upon to the } subject for a moment of your valuable time, and perhaps you will see } what I mean: Betty Lou Brodsky is wearing black underwear today; the } number six horse is going to win the 4:30 race at Belmont tomorrow; a } speeding truck will run yo-- Well, you get the picture. One of the } laugh-riot side effects of omniscience is that you just don't have to } worry an awful lot about embezzlers. I mean, how can they get away } with anything when you not only know what they've done, what they're } planning, and when they plan to do it, but also where they stashed the } goods and what particular species of cobra they have screaming blue } nightmares about? It's enough to make you laugh out loud. See what I } mean? } } You owe the Oracle a letter of resignation and a fatted calf. --- 449-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@ntg.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, whose wealth is greater than that of Ross Perot, please > tell me: > > Will you run for President if volunteers can get you on the ballot in > all 50 states? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. It's a pity, I know, but not only wouldn't it be fair to } the other candidates to run against an opponent who was omniscient, } omnipotent, and omnimalevolent, but the country just isn't ready for } me. } } The election would be unfair: } CHICAGO: In a voter turnout unprecedented since the mayoral } elections, thousands of people, previously nonexistent, materialized at } voting booths with valid registration cards. In an unprecedented } turnout which consisted of more people than live in the state of } Illinois, these previously nonexistent consitutents appeared, voted } for the Oracle for president, and disappeared once again. } The Oracle declined comment, merely saying that "I knew my } P.R. was good." } } Imagine how the HUD would feel: } WASHINGTON, DC: Simultaneous flashes of light were seen over } inner cities everywhere today at the stroke of noon. Once the smoke } cleared, it soon became apparent that all of the inner-city slums were } repaired, cleaned, and new buildings were created to house the } homeless on the street. } President Oracle today took credit for this "lightning-stroke" } reform. Republicans were heard to grumble "You can't solve a problem } just by throwing miracles at it." Meanwhile, at universities across } the country, economics professors fled to the sea like lemmings... } } Imagine how the VP would feel: } NEW YORK CITY: Vice President Smith visited for the St. Patrick's Day } parade today, smiling and waving at the children. When Smith was asked } whether he felt inadequate since the President was off creating } an alternate universe into which he could move the Palestinians from } the West Bank, his only reply was a deftly extended finger. } } See what I mean? Most of my immortal friends wouldn't touch this one } with a ten-foot Gorgon, either, and to tell the truth, I don't think } it would be that great. I mean, since I'm omniscient and all, the } presidential debates and press conferences would just be boring. So } again, thanks for the offer and all, but no thanks. } } You owe me a thousand points of light. --- 449-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this the UDA, > or is this the IRA, > or is this the MPLA, > I thought it was the UK, > or just another...countryyy... > > Dear Oracle who finds it easy being green, > who is never over the hill, but always > far away, please tell me: > > Is this the story of Johnny Rotten? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First, let me say it is easy being green - a simple alteration of your } palette registers should do the trick. Or eat three large pizzas in one } session. Anyway... } } [Oh, how dearly I would love to answer "no" and leave it at that. But } no, they insist that I give longwinded, even HELPFUL answers. Ha, but } my life is a bowl of putrescent oatmeal] } } The story of Johnny Rotten is basically as you describe, for he lived } his life afflicted by a dreadful curse: that of describing everything } in acronyms. } } At the end of a hard day at the office (he was an accountant } originally, did you know that?) he would get home, flop into his } favourite armchair with his pipe and slippers, and flip between the BBC } and ITV with the R/C on his TV. But after a while, this became NBG } because he couldn't get MTV (probably because it didn't exist at the } time, but never mind) or CNN. } } Despairing, he tried using DDT, but this didn't improve matters. It } did, however, warp his brain and he became the Johnny Rotten we all } know and love today. } } You owe the Oracle a gross of safety pins (the large size). --- 449-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, who is so wise and holy that thou art exempt from > finals, whose least mumblings can shake the world, who sheds light > into what would otherwise be a universe of unremitting darkness, > though we don't deserve a tenth of your wisdom, O wise One, hear my > question. > > If there is a kind and just God, why does it invariably rain all > semester until finals week, and *then* become 80 degrees and sunny? > After all, we've been waiting for this weather for months now, and > just when we have to stay inside and study, WHAMMO! here it is. What > gives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Final Examination } Professor U. Oracle } } Directions: Write your answers clearly in the space provided. } Partial credit will be given for groveling, but don't overdo it. } } 1) Discuss the possible existence of Thor, Norse god of thunder, } and his potential effects on seasonal weather patterns. } Describe how Loki would affect the ozone layer. Elaborate. } } 2) Consider the effects of Vulcan on global warming trends. } Do not mention Mr. Spock in your answer. Would Venus, the } Roman goddess of love, cause additional warming? Be concise. } } 3) How would the physical manifestation of the Christian God } (i.e. a burning bush) affect local fauna during dry season? } Would Islam have a similar problem? Use examples. } } 4) Describe the correlation between Elvis sightings, mobile homes } and tornado season in the American South. For extra credit, } describe how Bigfoot sightings affect presidential primaries. } Be creative. } } 5) What effect would Lisa, the Usenet goddess of sex and bondage, } have on Willard Scott's toupee? Go into details. } } 6) Describe what would happen if traditional Native American } "rain dance" appeals were actually received by Ra, the sun god } of Egyptian mythology. Pay careful attention to the years } 1809, 1876 and 1929. Interpolate. } } 7) How would repeated play of the song "Justified and Ancient" } by the KLF featuring Tammy Wynette affect weather patterns } in or near major metropolitan radio stations? Fnord. } } 8) Finally, why are you asking the Oracle questions about weather } when you haven't got a prayer of passing your finals? } } You owe the Oracle a college degree, preferably in liberal arts. --- 449-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > *!!!#$% &**(%%#@$%^^) &&@##$$%%^^& > or in other words, most silicon of chips, potato or other > wise Oracle, > > Now that my power amplifier has eaten a hole in the main capacitor > bank, which now leaketh like a men's lavatory, and it is an old model > machine whose warranty lapsed longer ago than George Bush's > credibility, what brand and model should I buy to replace it and > incarnate my music system anew: ARC Classic 60, Mark Levinson no. 29, > or Classe DR 10? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question is valid, my dear supplicant. Let us take it one step at } a time. } } Your power amplifier has eaten a hole in the main capacitor bank. } } My, my, what have you been feeding the poor thing? It must have been } rather hungry to eat through a bank of capacitors. Don't tell me you } have been using wimpy North American standard wall current. You have, } haven't you? Yes, I can feel your shame. You should find a constant } current source that more fully meets your needs. I hear the Russians } are selling some of their old nuclear submarines; two or three of those } reactors should do the trick. } } As for your capacitors, they were rather depressed, and I suspect they } willingly gave themselves up to the amp. You should have spent more } quality time with them. } } As for the warranty on your machine, assuming that the company is still } in business, a little bit of social engineering goes a long way. Tell } them that you are the sound man for Eric Clapton and you just _need_ to } get your hands on parts by, oh, is Tuesday too soon? I, the Usenet } Oracle, will overlook this dissembling, should you choose to do so. } } As for your men's lavatory and George Bush, I consider them on equal } terms; they probably would have a good chat, seeing how their IQs are } roughly the same. I would trust either of them any farther than one of } them could throw the other. } } What to buy? All three are good *smirk*, but sound test each first. } } You owe the Oracle George Bush's lavatory, and a plumber to fix the } leaks.