From oracle-request Tue May 12 07:27:49 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 12 May 92 07:27:49 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #443 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 443 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #443 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 12 May 92 07:27:49 -0500 @@@ After getting all four of my wisdom teeth out it was amazing that I @@@ was unable to compile digests this weekend. Suffice to say that I @@@ have recovered and the digests will arrive with reasonable frequency. @@@ @@@ There have been major mail problems at iuvax lately and we all hope @@@ they go away. The people there have been diligent in fixing the @@@ problem. @@@ @@@ For those in school, HAPPY SUMMER VACATION @@@ @@@ Oracularly yours, Josh Poulson To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 443 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 443-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christophe Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look folks, check this out! There's no included question! } What a crack up! How hysterical! } } "Orrie! Be nice to new participants!" } } Oh, all right already, I do know what the question would of been: } } Oh, wise and unselfish Oracle, please tell me } why I'm fairly successful as an incarnation } but such a total washout as a supplicant. } } To which I respond: } } Gee, I'm pretty entertaining in supplication, } but a total hose job when incarnated. We'd } best trade places: } } > Oh, Wise One Whose Name I Dare Not Say, Whose lavish knowledge spans } > all kingdoms, Whobefore all people, be they townsfolk or be they } > farmers, bow to prevent our insignificance to stain Your Greatness, } > why is my mess of supplication all over myself such a hose job? } } And thus Spake Orrie: } } } A washout INDEED! } } } } You don't owe the Oracle a thing! } } Now some priest is probably just going to roll up my effort and smoke } it! --- 443-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle profound, whose cup never runneth over but with the > accumulated knowledge of the Universe, who would have written > this morning's test in but 3 minutes (and that only because > you write slow) - please explain this to me: > > What is the purpose of the nominal nippo function nn(x) ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my dear supplicant! It's you again. Well, let's see... } } iuvax::oracle> sh account (supplicant=actual } Oracular Account information for supplicant No. 234589a/II } Sum of questions in recent 3 months: 12 } List of payments required: } 1. A nail clipper /NOT PAID/ } 2. A complete edition of the works of G. B. Shaw /NOT PAID/ } 3. A new world order /NOT PAID/ } 4. The Head of Oliver Stone on a silver plate /NOT PAID/ } 5. A genuine Colani keyboard /NOT PAID/ } 6. A small piece of green putty /NOT PAID/ } 7. Some aphrodisiac for Lisa /NOT PAID/ } 8. A chess board with the double number of rice grains on each } field /NOT PAID/ } 9. Some bananas /PAID/ } 10. A fridge for the bananas /NOT PAID/ } 11. A lightbulb /NOT PAID/ } 12. A nominal nippo function nn(x) to calculate the nominal nippon } share of the US gross inland product /NOT PAID/ } } Well; it seems that you should first balance your account. You didn't } pay eleven of twelve items and the bananas got foul because I haven't } got a refrigerator to keep them in. } That you do not know the nominal nippo function will not serve as an } excuse. (And be glad, I didn't ask for a criminal columbian one! There } are some people there who don't like their statistics published...) } } You owe the Oracle a nail clipper, the works of G. B. Shaw, a new world } order, the head of Oliver Stone, a Colani Keyboard, a piece of green } putty, aphrodisiac, a chessboard with rice, new bananas in a fridge, } a lightbulb, the nominal nippo function and an unsignificant US one. } } And I did type all this in less than three minutes! --- 443-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mightily magnificent Oracle, whose knowledge knows lots about lots, lo, > even why the Americans encourage politicians by voting for them, please > answer this humble supplicant's humble query: Is a thesis easier to > start or to finish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The most important thing to remember whilst writing a thesis is that } the quicker you get behind, the more time you have left to catch up. } } It therefore requires little extension of thought to this principle to } see that it's probably best to start promptly - the first 90% of the } thesis will take the first 90% of the time, the last 10% will take } another 90% of the time. } } We can see a trend here, in time. Ipso, starting and finishing per se } are both equally easy, but finishing on time is important - given the } first statement above, starting on time is therefore also important. } } The more importance that is attached to something, the more difficult } it becomes to complete successfully. Ergo it follows that in order to } finish on time, one has to start ahead of time, which, in the absence } of normal human ability to predict the future or to physically travel } into the past, is not possible. } } Given, then, that we can only start now (easy), and have to accelerate } towards the proposed finish date at sufficient speed to allow oneself } time to catch up should that time be needed to cater for some hitherto } unforseen problem, then it becomes possible that one may pass the } finishing point without actually realising it (also easy). } } In conclusion, it is as easy to start as it is to finish, but to start } or finish on time is difficult, no matter what your point of view. } } You owe the Oracle a return flight to the past via the future. } } Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may } revitalize the corner saloon. --- 443-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest and most tasty Oracle! > Today I overheard a woman say in the store: 'That cheese is supposed > to have 20% fat. Does that refer to 100g?' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The incident you describe, mere supplicant, gives an example of one of } those unfortunates who is destined to forever suffer from an } overwhelming lack of comprehension of a society where the level of } unecessary and extraneous information supplied has exceeded her cranial } data storage capacity and resulted in random interspaced logic errors. } This is emphasised in such simple situations as shopping. In fact, if } you had looked more carefully, you would have observed that the item } she was actually looking at when she queried the shop assistant was a } 400gram tub of butter. Closer examination of her shopping trolley would } have revealed that she had selected a large packet of high fibre dog } biscuits believing them to be breakfast cereal, Ozone friendly Crushed } Rose scented Clean Air air freshener thinking it was a hair spray, } Promite yeast sandwich spread instead of black shoe polish, a tube of } Shaving Cream for her toothpaste, and 3 bottles of hospital strength } lemon scented disinfectant cleaning fluid thinking it was a } concentrated high vitamin cordial. In fact her entire family, the } Kreetons, have similar problems, some of which are related in no small } way to Marge (the woman in question)'s disoriented store purchases. Her } husband, Oswald, worked for 23 years as a window cleaner for skyscraper } offices, and never realised that the silent stranger who worked with } him throughout this time, listening quietly to his meaningless banter, } was actually his reflection in the windows. He eventually quit the job } when he tired of the three train and bus links and 1 hour travelling } time it took him to get to work, when unbeknownst to him his office was } about 5 minutes walk down the road and around the corner. His pet dog, } Rufus, is actually a tame otter, the neighbours are often bemused to } see him attempting to mow his lawn with a rather elaborate vacuum } cleaner, and the Kreetons' family car - complete with wide wheels, CB, } 10 Litre V8 diesel engine, twin exhausts, power steering, and a variety } of buttons and knobs they had yet to work out - is for all intents and } purposes a farm tractor. Marge's parents, Theodore and Hilda, run a } small blacksmith's store where they specialise in making customised } swords for knights and royalty, arrowheads for thieving archers, and } insignia'd suits of armour for the armies of Kings. Her grandmother was } burnt at a stake being suspected of being a witch, and her great great } grandfather died during childbirth, thanks to his angry wife and a well } sharpened tomahawk. --- 443-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle! Oracle! Thou art magnificent! > Grant thy humble slave the benefit of thy wisdom! > > Why is it that some floppy disks make a shhukka-shukka-shukka sound > when placed in a drive, and some do not? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } According to the Grand Unified Breakfast Cereal Theory of the Universe, } the molecular structure of everything (including floppy disks) is } modelled on American commercial breakfast cereals. Let's take a few } floppies at random and see how they sound: } } Sound Description } ===== =========== } } "Snap! Crackle! Pop!" Often indicative of a defective disk, } this sound is characteristic of } diskettes composed from a rice paper } substrate [try eating the diskette } envelope (5.25") or "Plastique [tm]" } wrapper (3.5") to make sure.] As it is } edible, this diskette type is } particularly useful in data-security } applications. The Japanese are also } working on a soybean-based version (the } miso flavour has been particularly } popular in tests). } } "ChockaChockaChocka!" Chocolate-covered diskette; this was } once used extensively on Apple II } computers. As they used to say, "an } Apple a day keeps the disk doctor } away". (This diskette type was } abandoned when the Macintosh went into } production, a move which gave many the } pip.) } } "FRRROOOOOOOT!...LOOOOOOPS!" This onomatopoeically-named diskette } is not recommended unless you also use } a spell-checker. } } "WeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEET!" Shredded Wheat [tm] inspired design, } once a favourite with operating system } programmers for archiving their } multi-tasking kernel software. Now used } for sensitive data that is to be } destroyed afterwards (saves the user } time as data on the disk is already } shredded, and in byte-sized chunks!) } } "MmmmmMMMYYYOOOOOOZZZLLEEEE" Floppy disk structured after wholesome } natural meusli. This design ensures a } good rapid movement of data to and from } your system, particularly good if your } data contains 0xBC (B-12) characters. } } "BrrrRrrRRrRAAAAANNNNNNNN..." The boring counterpart of the meusli } disk, this diskette will get the job } done, at the expense of being dull and } dreary. The diskette of choice at IBM. } } "Shhukka-shukka-shukka!" Generic sugar- (shhukka-) coated } diskette. After a few years using these } diskettes, your disk drive's read/write } circuitry will rot. Avoid at all costs! } If you must use them, make sure you } clean your drive head immediately } afterwards. } } (Note that Kellog's has recently withdrawn from the diskette market, } as their corn-based products were found to be a bit flakey...) } } You owe the Oracle a cup of coffee, orange juice, and some toast. --- 443-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > On starday night I have a date, > It isn't due to start that late. > > At 6 O'clock she'll visit me, > and we will have a cup of tea. > > To dinner then we two shall go, > and thence the theatre for a show; > > And after that back to my flat, > where we shall sit and sit and chat. > > Although I find her quite a dish, > (if that's the term - I AM English), > > I fear that if I begin to think > such thoughts as are provoked by drink, > > (As Shakespeare said in his MacBeth- > before the discovery of the death), > > Then will my background interpose, > and honour too, white as the rose... > > of Lancaster, for 'tis my estate, > (as title's go, it's not that great), > > And honour, love, and care will spring > and I won't then do anything... > > But compliment her on her charm, > and maybe walk back arm in arm. > > But as for sex, I may not do, > until my wedding vows are through. > > So English that I may not fall > into sin (like the American down the hall), > > But remain instead honour intact, > but in experience sadly lacked. > > My question thus- is it so wrong, > to declare my love in prose or song, > > but never try to test my luck > in asking my true love for a kiss? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The British are so weird, } Their attitudes sublime. } They think that sex is dirty, } And fun & games a crime. } } The Oracle is wiser, } It knows sex is clean. } Chastity is silly, } And swinging is its dream. } } So if you want this girl } And wish to press your suit } Then go ahead and ask her } If she'll give you a kiss. } } You owe the Oracle four asprin and five back-issues of PlayPC. --- 443-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now see here Oracle, I can understand "Internet", there is a certain > logic to that name, but how can anybody justify such a stupid name as > "UseNet" or even "FidoNet"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh lowly scum.... } } There is a logic to the naming of these nets which is quite obviously } above your mere mortal mind. If you cannot comprehend something, how } do you expect me to help. While I may know everything, I don't do } miracles unless I feel like it. Since you chose to be blasphemous and } not grovel to ME the ORACLE (Holiest of all Holies, etc., etc....) I } DON'T feel like it! When you can get yourself into the proper frame of } mind, I might provide you with a small miracle which will help. } } Until then, the reason these nets are named this way is that they are } named in the language of the Gods, Bs#itGalour, which you of course } can't and never will understand. } } You owe the Oracle 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, } 000,000,000,000,000,000 Blocks of Memory. --- 443-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hehehe, Riddle me this, Batman: > > Why did the Penguin and the Catwoman get to be in Batman II, and not > me? > Sincerely, > The Riddler And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Mr. Riddler; } } On behalf of the executive producers of Batman II, we wish to } express our deepest sympathy for not selecting you to have a } part in the sequel. } } Granted, it was a difficult decision. You scored quite highly } in the talent competition, and looked absolutely stunning } in the swimwear finals. Your speech about "ending hunger, and } finding world peace" moved some of the judges to tears. } } Sadly, it also moved others to laughter. } } What it all boils down to is demographics. Batman I was a standard } escapist "us vs. them" summer flick. We never intended to make money! } } Batman II, on the other hand, is aimed at a highly selected target } audience: middle-class eco-friendly yuppies. Yuppies like animals. } It makes them feel good to see fluffy (or catwoman) scamper after } some minor object. } } So, when reviewing previous Batman characters, we have Penguins, } and Catwomen. Riddlers just don't fit into the wholesome image we } try to project. Blame Frank Gorshin. It's all his fault. } } Sincerely, } Acme Movies, Inc. } } You owe the Oracle your Screen Actor's Guild Card, and a date with } Batwoman. --- 443-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My PC won't talk to my printer, how do I fix this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who art thou who thinks that they need not humble themselves in front } of the mighty oracle? Where is the customary grovelling and } boot-licking? I, the mighty Usenet Oracle will just this once overlook } this gross breach of tradition and answer your question, hoping in the } future you will treat the Oracle with the reverence it expects. } } > My PC won't talk to my printer, how do I fix this? } } The oracle has pondered this question deeply, scanning time lines for } possible solutions, and has found two, these have been weighted with } probabilities derived by the amazing intellect of the Oracle. } } Solution A: Probability 96%. } } The oracle considers it most likely that your problem lies in one } basic missing feature of most printers in the 1990's when the question } appears to have been posted, which is their lack of ability to } understand speech.. If however you are in possesion of a printer } capable of understanding speech then perhaps the PC is at fault? Does } it have a strong regional accent? or is it suffering from any form of } illness which causes its speech to be muffled or blurred? You may find } that altering the configurations so as to ensure that the PC speaks } both clearly and slowly will improve matters. Of course, the simplest } method of resolving this problem is to use more conventional means of } information transfer between PC and printer such as rs232 or some form } of parallel connection cable? } } Solution B: Probability 4% } } The other possibility is that your PC and Printer have had a } disagreement and are refusing to speak to one another. This problem } occurs if both devices are configured with a stubborn personality. Have } you thought about taking them both out to dinner and asking them both } what the problem is? A quiet talk over a nice meal often helps sooth } tempers and hopefully you may get them both to shake hands and start } talking again. --- 443-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and all-around cool dude, whose Harley Davidson from > Hell doth reak havoc among UNIX computers accross our struggling > nation.... > > Do tell this unknowing soul an answer to his question.. > > My Fluid Dynamics teacher makes all of his lecture material look > easy but his tests come from hell. How should I take my revenge? > > Thanks, mister. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fluid Dynamics, eh? A case like this calls for drastic action. } Traditional methods of revenge, such as painful gruesome death, fail to } properly address this type of situation. Instead, your teacher must be } repaid in kind, and attacked with obscure confusing questions that seem } to appear from nowhere. In other words, it's time to invoke Political } Correctness (tm). Accuse him of unfairly discriminating against solids } by teaching only fluid dynamics. Start a solid dynamics action } committee on campus. Picket and demonsrate in front of his office. } Boycott his classes. Petition your school to have him dismissed. } Campaign to have fluid-biased textbooks banned from the bookstore. } Have a sit-in until your department agrees to offer an alternative } course in solid dynamics. Replace the word fluid in everyday usage } with the term viscosity-challenged. } } Once the poor wretch has been forced to explain the very existance of } his course, you should be able to expect tests in the future almost } completely devoid of content. } } You owe The Oracle the lecture notes from Nuclear-Free High-Energy } Physics.