From oracle-request Mon May 4 07:31:58 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 4 May 92 07:31:58 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #441 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 441 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #441 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Mon, 4 May 92 07:31:58 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 441 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 441-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle > > For reasons which will soon become clear, I am not very used to > grovelling. My name is Thor, and I used to be a god at Valhalla. > However, due to a lack of demand for gods, Valhalla has had to > rationalise. Just last week, Odin gave us a speech thanking us for our > services, and giving us our redundancy notices. As you can imagine we > were all pretty angry, and I was about to throw my hammer at Odin, but > was stopped when he threatened legal action (as well as a few ZOTs in > self defence). Valhalla is now a small one room office in Monte Carlo. > Odin spends all day on the beach. However, this has put me at loose > end, since I have eternity on my hands and nothing to do. I have > applied for a few jobs, but frankly a lot of them are just beneath my > dignity. And besides having been a god, I have not had any interview > experience. Could you make me a few suggestions for suitable jobs for > an ex-god. > > Yours Sincerely > Thor. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A couple of this year's baseball teams could certainly use a strong } hitter. The Cleveland Indians and Detroit Tigers have been down on } their luck, and somebody who can swing a hammer like you could handle a } bat with no problem. } } Since they're both cities mired heavily in the industrial regions of } the United States, you could freelance during the off-season as a } hydraulic press. } } If you want to go for big money, you could write an expose about the } goings-on at Valhalla. Something hot and steamy must've happened. If } life was actually boring up there, you could hire Ivana Trump's ghost- } writer. He seems to have a pretty active imagination. } } If money isn't an issue, you could keep yourself in the public eye by } occasionally disturbing the weather patterns, up-ending small cities, } and suchlike. I hear Tojo Pictures in Tokyo is looking for a suitable } opponent for Godzilla. } } Go for it. Sitting on your duff for a few millenia has dulled your } imagination, but a bit of thought will open you to a world of } possibilities. --- 441-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm I going to pass my Finance class???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HOW TO PASS YOUR FINANCE CLASS } ------------------------------ } by T. U. Oracle } } There are many ways in which you can pass your finance class. Some of } these are outlined below. } } 1. Find out where and when your Finance class is. Wait until } about 10 minutes after your class has started, and then walk } past the room. There! You have passed your Finance class. } } 2. Put your Finance class onto a slow-moving bus. Get in your } Ferrari and overtake the bus, thus passing your Finance } class. } } 3. Pick up your Finance class, and throw it to the seven-foot } centre posting up, who then makes an easy basket. } } 4. Twenty-four hours before your final examination, eat your } Finance class. Then at the examination, excuse yourself to go } to the toilet, and pass your Finance class. } } You owe the Oracle your Finance class, as he has no class. --- 441-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle wise > Answer me this > Would it be wiser to partake > Of new or classic Coke? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Join me now, class, as we take a look at one of the more uncurable } diseases in the world today: anachronitis. Sufferers of this horrible } malady are under the impression that the world has never left the } golden years of their youth. They just can't deal with life in the } present, and pretend they are still in their chosen year. Let me just } pop the tape in...Could someone dim the lights, please? } } [the room darkens] } } OK, class, listen to this poor man: } } "Ohhh, man, like what's happening? Hey, man, you don't have like a } toke or a hit on you, do you? I was just listening to some Dead and I } ran out of hits, man. Peace..." } } This man is under the delusion that he is still living in the 1960's. } Now, we consider this a mild case of the disease, as many people WOULD } like to regress to the sixties, when dope was "cool" and women were } into cheap, gratuitous, sex...but to continue. Note the tinge of } paranoia in this next person, who believes himself in the 1950's: } } "Hey...you've got hair down to your COLLAR, boy. That kind o' stuff } is UNAMERICAN, son. You wouldn't be associated with one of them there } COMMUNIST ORGANIZATIONS, now would you? Might have to haul you up in } front of a COMMITTEE. I was you, I'd be gettin' me a haircut...or a } dog tag. What's it gonna be, boy?" } } This, also, is considered a mild case. Although 50's retrogression } can be dangerous for those who are not white males, it is } understandable for those who are, as this was one of the easiest times } to be one. Next, we have a more severe case. This man seems to be } regressed almost back to the 20's or 30's: } } "Well, I remember back when I was costarring with Bonzo. There were } little Mom-n-Pop grocery stores on every corner, bread was a nickel, } and no one even thought about burning the flag. It was truly morning } in America. Do you remember those days, Mommy?" } } Note the reference to this man's mother. He obviously wants to return } to his childhood. This man is clearly dangerous, and should be kept } away from the public, especially the public's money. } Now, class, we have our most severe case. This person has masochistic } and very unhealthy tendencies. He seems to be regressing, not to the } happy 50's, 60's or any easier times, but to 1987! Why, you ask? It's } unknown, but we certainly would never let THIS person out on the } street: } } > Would it be wiser to partake } > Of new or classic Coke? } } [Class: Ooooohhhhh] } } Yes, indeed, this is a landmark case. This person is distorted, } strange, and warped. He is megalomaniac, paranoiac, and perverted. } It's indeed scary to think of this person in public, isn't it? } Yes, you in the back row: } } "Professor, is there anything that can be done for this person?" } } I'm afraid not. All we can do is keep him safely locked away where he } can cause no harm. } } [RINGGGGG] } } That's all for today, class. See you next time! --- 441-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh richest of all Oracles! > Now I have all these cute little thingies: > I got a workstation on my desk, I got lots of drawers with pencils and > papers in them, I got a telephone (important-black-looking-one), I got > an electronically readable access card and a dosimetre, I got a beep > (Oh, if only ONE day it wouldn't work!) and lots of printout floating > around me. I got a database to do with it what I want, my boss is o.k., > his secretary is, too (!!), I got a big toolbox and a BIG cupboard with > LOTS of files in it, I got the most-modern-up-to-date-state-of-the-art- > swivel-wink-hanky-panky-and-my-back-STILL-aches-black-leather chair and > even a beautiful landscape out of my window. > > Why am I not happy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle has seen into your heart } And she knows why you are not happy. } It is because you lack a little black sorter-thingy } That will allow you to sort all your paper clips by } Size and color. } The oracle has seen such thingies } For $1.95 at K-mart } And she recommends you get one, } Not in almond but in black. } And once you have acquired this one thing. } You will be happy. } } And as payment for her wondrous advice } She asks a box of rubber bands, } The large kind, } In rainbow colors. --- 441-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Stephen C. Miller" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does 'Bobo the clown frequently urinate in Times Square, or just > on Saturday? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (The Oracle, dressed up as the Easter Bunny, is jumping up and } down Times Square.) } } 1st Speaker: And here we are again in a new adventure of OODA, the } Oracular Omniscient Detective Agency. } Today's crime is related to the topic of environmental protection, } so stay tuned! } 2nd Speaker: Yes, it is sad to say, but somebody has been urinating in } Times Square every day in the whole week. Primary Suspect is Bozo the } Clown! } 1st Speaker: Yes, and we all know Bozo and it seems that everybody } liked him, until this horrible shadow of a suspicion fell upon him. } But who knows? It might be that it is someone else? Omniscient } Detective Oracle will soon come up with more news. } Oracle (looks directly into the camera, lifting his Easter Bunny's } costume for a moment, under which he is wearing a false moustache): } I am following Bozo at the moment in this special camouflage. I } haven't been able to detect any suspicious motion yet. (Oracle looks } very thirsty and empties a one liter bottle of mineral water in no } time.) So let's see, what happened yesterday. (Oracle takes out his } inflatable crystal ball and takes a deep look. Camera focuses in on } crystal ball. You see Bozo urinating at a corner.) } Yes, it seems that Bozo has committed a minor faux pas in Times } Square yesterday, that was saturday. } 1st speaker: But will he repeat his offense today? Or is there someone } else behind the scenes? } (Oracle empties another bottle of water, looking rather exhausted.) } 2nd speaker: Bozo is not able to make any uncontrolled motion at the } moment. So if the crime repeats, we know that it was someone else. } Orrie, are there any new developments? } Oracle (his Easter Bunny costume is wet from the belly downwards, he is } standing in the midst of a giant see of Urine...): Errrr, yes, it } seems that we have a new development here. It really seems, that } there is someone else in Times Square, except Bozo, who is heavily } into Golden Showers... Er, and, it seems that he has been watching } me, for he took me as a target. (Oracle makes a very sad and } embarrassed face.) } But I will follow his tracks and catch him one day, as sure as I am } the Omniscient Oracle. } As for Bozo, it seems that he only urinates in Times Square on } saturdays. On the other days, that was someone else. } OF COURSE, DEAR AUDIENCE, ALL THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED, IF } EVERYBODY WOULD USE ORACLE'S DIAPERS. THAT'S RIGHT, ORACLE'S } DIAPERS. NOW AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL SUPERMARKET FOR ONLY $2.95 } APIECE. } OR CALL 1-800-DIAL-DIAPERS TO GET YOUR PACKAGE OF DIAPERS *TODAY*! } 1st speaker: And that was today's broadcast of OODA, the adventures of } the Oracle Omniscient Detective Agency. } 2nd speaker: And don't forget to tune in again next week for a new } sequel of OODA, the tiest Agency in town! } (Camera fades out, as Oracle accidentally sets his pants on fire in a } vain attempt to dry them with light s.) } } You owe the Oracle some diapers. --- 441-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Wise, please answer this question of your most > humble supplicant. > > One of my favorite hobbies is tying hamsters to my inner thighs > with duct tape and running naked through laundromats. I > really derive enjoyment from this... well, who wouldn't? But > on my last outing, one of the hamsters bit me in a sensitive > place, leading to a bad infection and serious medical bills. > My question is, can I write off the medical bills on my income > tax as a "capital loss"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } According to Paragraph 3.14.15 of the Federal document 'Sex in the Tax } Laws' : } } No injury and/or damage to genitalia, whether incidental, } accidental or malicious, may be construed as the responsibility of } the Federal Government of the United States. Period. } } Thus, I am afraid that the tax-exemption is not an option. However you } do have several options: } } 1) Sue the pet shop that sold you the hamster for 'sale of } hazardous materials.' (the hamster BIT you) } } 2) Sue the laundromat in which you were bitten for failing to } restrain you. } } 3) Seek serious psychiatric help with the money derived from #1 } and #2. --- 441-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omnipotent oracle! If there were a single > molecule from a forgotten oraclelean 10,000-year-old > fart I would not be worthy to inhale it! > Timorously, I ask you: > > If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the > floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window > or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet. > > But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side > up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? > Will the cat land on it's feet? Or will the butter splat on > the ground? > > -Mike And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be } able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand } that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of } feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. } If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to } resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. } } That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), } you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, } when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of } cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium } point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing } lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. } } Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this } principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The } loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of } several hundred tabbies. } } The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the } bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats } will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, } since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of } red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. } } You owe the Oracle two slices of toast and a bag of kitty litter. --- 441-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose knowledge includes geography and medicine, tell me: > > 1. Is there balm in Gilead? > 2. What is balm? > 3. Where is Gilead? > > E. A. Poe And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. A bomb? What do you want to give a Gilead a bomb for? Oh, *balm*. } Sorry, I am omniscient, but I'm going a bit deaf from all these } questions Biff keeps yelling at me... } Yes, there is balm in Gilead, but not much. In fact, I think } they're on their last bottle. Most of it got used up during the } last Internicene Wars. } 2. Balm is a lotion, not unlike calamine lotion. It relieves the } itching and burning due to mosquitoes and purple-turbaned dictators. } However, it is produced from the fruit of a species of palm tree that } only grew in Gilead to begin with but is extinct now anyway, which is } why only Gilead has any balm and why they're running out. Myrrh is a } type of balm, all it does is make the wearer smell vaguely of dead } martyr. } 3. Gilead is a town located in the southeastern sector of the } Northwestern Division of the Allied Occupied Zone of Pennsylvania. } } You owe the Oracle an up-to-date Rand McNally atlas and a bottle of } Aloe Vera anabolic hormone Skin-Glo (tm) cream, now with strontium 98. --- 441-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Dave Disser The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle Most Sublime, In Whose Aura I am not worthy to bathe, pray > tell me the answer to this, thy most insignificant disciple's plea: > > Why does the 'phone always cease ringing _just_ as you get to it? > > I Remain, Your Servant, Most Baffled, > Gleep. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh Ungrammatical One, your question should have been phrased, "Why does } the 'phone always cease ringing _just_ as *I* get to it?" From my } point of view, your phone began ringing when I finished dialling and } stopped when I knew you were about to pick it up. Omniscience has its } uses, especially when one is bored. --- 441-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle most wise, who knows the answers to all the greatest > mysteries that have plagued our puny mortal minds for generations, > I must know the answer to this puzzle. Keep us in suspense no longer, > the world deserves to know the truth!! > > Who really killed KFC? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It was a conspiracy. Ronald gave the order, but Jack was the shooter. } } You owe the Oracle a 20 piece Chicken McNuggets.