From oracle-request Tue Mar 24 08:46:34 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 24 Mar 92 08:46:34 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #426 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 426 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #426 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Tue, 24 Mar 92 08:46:34 -0500 @@@ The Usenet Oracle has been getting a lot of traffic lately, and so @@@ I'm going to put out a couple of digests in quick succession... no @@@ more than one a day. This will make up for the LONG weekend. --JRP To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 426 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 426-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle! > Your hands it was that built the earth! > Your feet it was that hardened the ground! > Your tears it was that flooded the oceans! > Your dazzling radiance it was that lit the sky! > Your absent-mindedness it was that created the mosquitoes! > > Answer me this question, O mighty one: > > According to the calendar, today is the first official day of spring. > However, it's still cold outside. What is happening? Is somebody > falling down on the job or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear supplicant, you must realize what the most powerful force } in the universe is, the one that overwhelms all: } } Red tape. } } Spring will be here 'any day now', all the paperwork is not quite done. } } You owe the Oracle large roll of (non-red) tape. --- 426-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: engel@sj.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > askme And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > Why did unicorns only let innocent female virgins ride them? } } > Why were we all born unto this earth only to suffer and die? } } > I seem to have lost myself, can you tell me where to find me? } } > It is a popular belief in 20th century America that if a young man } > masterbates hair will grow on his palms, and he'll go blind. My } > friends and I were debating whether my condition, hair growing out of } > my eyeballs, and loss of motor-function in my hands, might arise from } > the same habit?~ } } > Will Lisa ever marry me? } } > Should all drugs be legalized? } } > How do you win at Tetris? No, no, I mean: How can I win at Tetris? } } > Oh great and wondrous oracle answer me this: } > } > Why is the English word for mispronunciation (cacoepy) impossible to } > pronounce? } } > >> How much wood could a wombat chuck, if a womabt could chuck wood? } > > } > >} Omega password accepted. } > >} } > >} What would you like to change, O Lord? } > } > PARAMETER CHANGE 445871-NEC/78 EQUIVALENCE "Panty" } > SUBSTITUTE GLOBAL/FILE=*.DAT "Why?" "Harold" } > } > IMPLEMENT CHANGES AND SAVE DELETE ALL BACKUPS. } > DE-LOCK ACCESS CODES ALL EXCEPT OMEGA CLASS } } > Now my apartment is full of lice and ice and flat flounders writing } > on the walls and bags of frozen blueberries crying for home and } > comfort and bed and dozens and dozens of little squirrrles all } > looking at me and saying "catacomb catacomb catacomb" at me in } > unison. And there is a great big pear in one corner reading the New } > York Times. And there is a great big orange in the other corner } > trying to figure out how to play the bassoon without a mouth. And I } > haven't even mentioned the toasters, but I won't because it said it } > would turn all the toast into bacon if I said anything about it and I } > don't like bacon. And Dan Rather is sitting on the blue elephant and } > eating taco chips and Phyllis Schlafly who isn't Just Saying No to } > anything at all today. And the beef in oyster sauce is dancing a } > merry tango with the clay statue of Thomas Jefferson. And there are } > two hundred and sixteen green glass marbles, too. } > } > But where are the skunks? I invited the skunks specially! This } > party is for them! } } > Dear Oracle, } > } > Sometimes you give me answers that are serious and to the point. } > Sometimes you give me answers that are sensitive and caring. } > Sometimes you give me answers that are very funny and they make my } > mood so much better. And then I get answers that are pathetic. } > } > Why is this? } } > How much acid should I drop tomorrow? What kind? } } > Can one ever be said to be an essential extension of one's own } > ontological existence? } } > How do you know when you are really successful? --- 426-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose parking meter never needs another quarter, please > answer my humble question: > > Should I build a new castle, or feed the poor? > (I know Mel Brooks said it first, but I need to find out!) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why not build a White Castle, and do both? } } You owe the Oracle a zen meal: Make me one with everything. --- 426-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle most wise, whose grovelling requirements are far beyond the the > comprehension of mere mortals, whose answers are far beyond the > comprehension of mere mortals, and whose sex life is _certainly_ beyond > the comprehension of mere mortals, tell me- > > Why does swiss cheese have all the holes in it when it's limburger that > _really_ needs the ventilation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Swiss cheese was long ago named the official dairy product of the } Vatican, and hence is known as the world's holiest cheese. As you have } noted, limburger is not holey at all. --- 426-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will happen when I send a mail to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu > with the words 'ZOT me' or 'ZOTme' in the subject line? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Try it! You'll die! Laughing! } } You owe a pin from the " Oracles against ZOT " society. --- 426-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Roger Noe The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Drat and damn! > I cannot fence the knackwurst -- > though once I England ruled, > now there I must go a beggar > like the sodden rain. > But ho! > What knight through yonder window breaks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Thunder. First Apparition. An armed head.] } } Supplicant: Tell me, thou unknown power... } Lisa: He knows thy thought. Hear his speech, but say thou naught. } Oracle: Supplicant! Supplicant! Supplicant! Beware the knackwurst; } Beware the knight of fife! Dismiss me. Enough. } [he descends] } S: Whate'er thou art, for thy good caution thanks! } Thou hast harped my fear aright. But one word more-- } L: He will not be commanded. Here's another, more potent than the } first. } O: Supplicant! Supplicant! Supplicant! } S: Had I three ears, I'ld hear thee. } O: Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn the pow'r of man, } for none of knackwurst born shall harm the supplicant. } S: Then live, knight of fife, What need I fear of thee? } but yet I'll make assurance double sure } and take a bond of fate. Thou shalt not live! } That I may tell pale-hearted fear it lies } and sleep in spite of sodden rain. } } What is this } that rises like the issue of a king } and wears upon his baby-brow *my* round and top } of sovereignty? } L: Listen, but speak not to't. } O: Be Lion-Mettled, proud and take no care } who chafes, who frets, and where beggars are. } The supplicant shall never be vanquished until } sodden rain to high Knackwurst Hill } shall come against him. } S: That will never be. } Who can impress the sodden rain, } bid the clouds unfix its airbound path? } Sweet bodements, good! } Rebellious dead rise never till the sodden rain } fall, and our supplicant shall live the lease of nature, } pay his breath to time and mortal custom. Yet my heart } throbs to know one thing. Tell me, if your art } can tell so much -- shall Knackwursts issue ever } reign in this kingdom? } L: Seek to know no more. } } You owe the Oracle the Bow of Outrageous Fortune that he may have } a use for his slings and arrow. --- 426-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > -see previous grovel- > > > > -see following question- > > > (and I want a good answer this time.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? The Oracle ALWAYS gives good answers! } Taking that into account, the obvious answer is: } } -see previous answer- } } You owe The Oracle an infinitely recursive function, in COBOL. --- 426-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Daft? > Was I daft -- or not -- > when once I posted thrice running, > three long and fulsome flames, > to rec.arts.twinkies. > > Behold! They called me daft -- > They *dared* to call me daft -- > when all around, on every side > the pilots and the Mexicans, > their glowing toupees held aloft, > did boogie 'round the altar. > > Why, then, could Mr. Smith > (His name I change, his face remains the same) > upon news.amiga.sri-lanka > or talk.keg.source-code > or even rec.pasta.machine.plausibility > dare then to call me daft? > > Did not he dread my wrath? > Did not he fear my tentacles? > Did not he know the fell > and fulsome dreadful consequences > of my most dread displeasure? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Poor mortal supplicant, thou art } Afflicted with a curse, } For every time thou sendeth mail, } Thou goest from bad to verse. } } A terminal disease afflicts } And that is sure a crime, } Your poetry will never scan, } (It sure as hell don't rhyme!) } } It seems to me, poor mortal soul, } You are indeed in strife! } Abandon ye your nerdish ways, } And get yourself a life! } } This mortal coil has more to it } Than rec... and comp... and alt... } Those newsgroups have gazumped your mind } (But that is not _my_ fault.) } } I sometimes sit here on my throne, } (With Lisa on my lap), } And listen to all sorts of things, } No better than this crap. } } Peculiar obsessions all, } I shat so much I laughed, } Bitch all you like, you silly nerd, } *I'M* telling you... YOU'RE DAFT. } } But now I see the problem! } What it appears to be } Is that your crappy poetry } Has sprung from your PC! } } What software madness can this be? } Some nasty, buggy, TROFF? } Word Perfect gone into a loop? } Away with ye, &^%$ off! } } Or stay there in that lonely room, } That wretched little hovel, } And mind that when me next you call, } You don't forget to grovel! } } (On second thoughts, I ought to say, } I rather kind of like you, } I would prefer, however, } That you question me in haiku!) } } You owe the Oracle some decent poetry... --- 426-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I cut a hole in my jeans, exposing my butt for all the world to see, > as a protest against injustice at Yale. Will my protest be effective? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. You will just be em-bare-assed. } You owe the Oracle a new straight man. --- 426-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Poly-omni Oracle, deity of floccinaucinihilipilification, please grant > me an answer, even though I be an insignificant mortal, not worthy of > your little toe's nail's attention. > > How can I get onto a MUD game? (Any game will do, but preferably in the > UK). > > I await your infallible answer with eager anticipation. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O insignificant mortal who is being quite ignored by my smallest } toenail (it being busy with something more important, namely Carmen } Sandiego), } } You have two options. One is to get a large truck of fill dirt, a } watertower full of water, several large spoons, and some elbow grease. } Mud is easy to make, and if you pour it down the backplane of the } mainframe, the sysops will certainly let you have whatever MUD you want } just to make you behave. } } The other is to get elected to public office. Politicians have been } living in their own virtual reality for centuries, and they apparently } have a pretty damn good time while they are there. Party on!