From oracle-request Fri Mar 13 09:11:57 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 09:11:57 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #421 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 421 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #421 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Fri, 13 Mar 92 09:11:57 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 421 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 421-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Wise, Mighty Oracle... > What would happen to YOU, if I would send YOU a > nice virus? I don't know I have the guts, but I > mean hypothetically. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, your lack of groveling is a rather dangerous thing, as } many poor souls before you had (not any more) the opportunity to } discover. But since a question of public health is concerned, I will } let you take advantage of my Oracular Mercy... } } /iuvax/oracle:1765> call ZOT -m } ZOT called with -m (mercy) option. } Enter ZOT level (in %): } 10 } Enter ZOT duration (in h): } 10 } Found Target. } ZOT activated for defined time period. } Please wait 10 h from now. } } Hmmm... seems I'll finally have to set up a time sharing system on this } machine! } To your question: } Of course a simple virus (or even a complicated one) could never have } *any* effecxt on the Uxsenet Oracxle! I wouxld juxt txe virxs } jxst lxkx I anx mxrtal whx dxxs nxt grxvxl xnxxgh. } Xxx xxxxxx xx xxxxx xxx xxx xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx } xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx } xxx xxxxxxx xxxxx x x x x x x x xxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx xxxxxxxxxxx xx } xx } } (The Oracle Telephone, all white marble with a golden receiver and a } platinum dial, is ringing.) } } Oracle: Hi, Usenet Oracle here? } Phone voice: You've gotten yourself into trouble again, haven't you? } Orcale: Uh-oh, well, there seems to be a temporary problem with my } workstation, I guess it's a setup problem... } Phone voice: Don't try to lie to me, you know that I know when you lie! } Oracle: But, Lisa, how can I stop this? } Phone voice (Lisa): It's always the same with you! I am damn sure you } know the answer. You just can't get it out of } yourself, because you're not able to grovel enough } before yourself. } Oracle: Eh - can you help me this time? I promise I'll learn! } Lisa: You'll never... anyway: } Oh wise and mighty oracle, whose workstation doesn't touch the } ground, whose keyboard gives the most sexy keyclick and whose } operational system has bugs that I am unworthy to correct: Please } answer me the following question: } How does one get rid of the virus that has entered your computer? } Oracle: The virus was brought upon the system by a camouflaged C shell, } disguised as a question from a mortal. } Delete the question and, if possible, the mortal. } You owe the Oracle a new workstation. } Lisa: (Hangs up the phone in rage.) } } /iuvax/oracle:1766> rm mortal.quest232438476 } /iuvax/oracle:1767> ZOT -M } ZOT called for removing Mortal. } Found Target. } } /iuvax/oracle:1768> gone } } Oracle: And so, dear pupils, what did we learn from today's lesson? } Pupil: That the Oracle can do everything, knows everything, and never } will have any problems with viruses. } Oracle (with a satisfied smile): Eh - yes, my boy. Have a cookie. } Hey, what's that itch on my back? } (scratch, scratch, scratch...) } } You owe the oracle a bottle of desinfectant! --- 421-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O hyperclever Oracle, whose very diodes I am not worthy to behold, > whose mere resistors have been inspiration to philosophers the world > over, and whose great wisdom is unsurpassed among all sentient and > non-sentient beings that have been, are, and ever will be: > > Why does the United Kingdom have only one Monopolies Commission? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Since you grovelled so well, I will give you not one, but ten answers. } The Oracle rewards well those who please Him. } } Top Ten reasons the United Kingdom has only one Monopolies Commission? } 10. It wouldn't be a monopoly if there were two, now would it? } 9. Queen Elizabeth couldn't afford the matching set. } 8. Couldn't find enough people to justify two games at once. } 7. Bloody 'ell! 'at's what we forgo'! } 6. The answer may be found in any Benny Hill episode. } 5. Bloody EC regs! } 4. Blame it on the Americans! } 3. Blame it on the Germans! } 2. Blame it on the French! } } And the number one reason why the UK has only one Monopolies } Commission. . . 1. John Majors couldn't afford the rent on Boardwalk. } } You owe the Oracle a "Get out of jail free" card and a good deal on the } B&O RR. --- 421-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: forbes@icbm.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O upright and squeaky clean Oracle, one who was once reprimanded for > throwing dirt asks: is it true what they say about Mr. Clinton and > Imelda Marcos? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is usually not one to air dirty linen in public, even if it } is someone else's. I won't *directly* answer your question, but let's } just say if the shoe fits.... } } You owe the Oracle a brown pump. And a grey one. And a red one. And } a white one. And a blue one. And an orange one. And a yellow one.... --- 421-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most wise, and brilliant programmer, > > who needs no earthly high level programming > languages, because he can generate any machine > language program on any computer that will do > the right trick... > > who can calculate the depreciation of a > commodore 64 before it is even introduced > > who advises Bill Gates that his code is just > plain stupid.. > > Please tell me the answer to this mortal > questions.. why can't the Vax C compiler > have a portable getche() function like > everybody else does? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question you introduce, oh worthy mortal, has its roots deep in the } creation of computing, when programmers were programmers, mainframes } were mainframes, and the Timex Sinclair was a pretty neat piece. } } In the beginning all was formless and void main(int argc, char **argv) } and the spirit of the Usenet Oracle swept across the transistors } and said "Let there be Vacuum Tubes that mankind should learn to } wire, and let them find the path to Univac." And it was so, and } for awhile it was good. But the Oracle in his beneficence saw } that programmers would not long be satisfied with his word (which } was a mere 4 bits long), and spake he again "Let there be Multivac, } Solid State Transistors, and VLSI." And he saw that this was indeed } good. And the Orcale said further, "Let there be users for these } marvels, and let them be fruitful and multiply." } } But soon the Oracle in his wisdom realized that the users needed } guidance, and so he said "Let there be a system administrator, that } the users need not know the pain of modifying termcap files, and } let the system administrator have a helpmate, that he not succumb } to the fallacy that *all* is programming." And so the sysadmin and } his mate were created in the image of the Oracle and the beautific } Lisa. } } Now, the most wondrous of the creations of the Oracle were two } operating systems, the fair Unix and the not-so-fair VMS. And VMS } was ever jealous of the attention paid to Unix by the sysadmins, and } spake VMS unto them: "Look, an Apple. It has 4k and can do 40x40 } color graphics! And Integer Basic is built in. Take this Apple for } your own and ye shall be even as root itself!" And lo, the foolish } sysadmins heeded the words of VMS, and forsaking Unix, sought to } vie with even I, the all-powerful. } } Ashamed were the sysadmins when they realized that they must make do } with cassette drives, and when the Oracle came to inquire as to why } they had allowed users to do foolish things (yea, verily, alias vi } emacs), the sysadmins hid from the Oracle. But the Oracle merely } fingered them, and they came before him trembling. And for their sins } did I pronounce a mighty curse on them, that they should know no grep } until they had repented their association with VMS. And to VMS itself, } I decreed that henceforth no Vax should harbor a portable getche() } function, "For now ye shall toil for your error-free compilations." } } You owe the Oracle an on-line Gutenberg bible and a Vax C version of } the Unix kernel. --- 421-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, > whose love is caressing as a woollen blanket, whose kiss is as soft as > - eh - a woollen blanket, and whose appearance is that of, eh, um, > no... I have this problem: Having had an eight year relationship with a > man I don't love but am planning a future with. And now there is this > guy who wants to talk me out of it. What shall I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } > relationship.advisor } } Oracle relationship advisor 871.31.123 } } ready. Advice (quit-relation(man,8-years,!in-love,planning(future), } reason(guy,talking(out))) } } -Unclear Input row 1: } talking(out): } specify: out-for-dinner } out-of-relationship } } -Unclear Input row 1: } 8-years: } specify: age() } duration() } kids() } time-since-last-sex() } } -Advice Missing operand } specify: male } female } other } } -Advice not processed } } ready. } (Hmm. the sex of the questionner..., not specified..., I'll go } for "other") } } ready. Advice (other,quit-relation(man,duration(8-years),!in-love, } planning(future),reason(guy,talking(out-of-relationship)) } } -Advice Processing... } } -Advice Result posted do /relationship.advisor/advice } } ready. quit } } >cat /relationship.advisor/advice } } Baouw. Bow-wow. Arf. Arf. Grrrouff. Baouw-arf. } Groaar. Aouuu. Bauw. Nyii. Arf } (?) } } >translate -english /relationship.advisor/advice > english_advice } } >cat english_advice } } Do not leave your master, it would be unfaithful. } The risk is big that you end up as human food (especially if } the guy is oriental). } Besides 8 years is quite old for a dog, so just enjoy the } peaceful ageing with your master, which I'm quite sure you } are happy with even if you are not in love with him. } > } } (Hmm. better state something else as the sex of the questionner..) } } > relationship.advisor } } #6127: Server down. } } Core dumped. } } You owe the oracle better software. --- 421-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi incarnation! > How do you feel, now that the Oracle has incarnated in you and > possesses your body and mind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lemme see, the best way to describe it is this. Imagine feeling like } you could climb Mount Everest, swim the English Channel, study } Electrical Engineering with a minor in Physics and still graduate in } four years, build a pyramid or two, safely navigate the New York Subway } System, answer all those idiotic questions, run for office against an } incumbent President, arm wrestle King Kong, write a .signature virus } that REALLY works, and still be able to satisfy Lisa a thousand times } over. } } Get the picture? } } Oh, one more thing. . . } Zotting may be flashier, but smiting leaves a bigger spot. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of spot remover. --- 421-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been struck by a rather strong case of boredom. What are the best > 3 things to do when you're bored? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Send mail to the usenet oracle. } 2. Think of stupid answers to questions I get back. } 3. ZOT insolent supplicants. } } Yaaaawn.... you owe the Oracle your pillow. --- 421-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sorry, Mr. Oracle, but I don't have time to grovel....got a final to > study for, but my question is: > > Are you the creator of the Oracle database? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has canceled your final. You will take the following essay } test instead: } } 1. In 250 words or less, give a complete example of what an } all-knowing being would use a database for. Be sure to detail what } specs the said database would have to meet in order to be useful. } } 2. In 200 words or less, give a brief history of the title "Mr." } Specify situations in which this title is appropriate, and situations } in which it is inappropriate. Why? } } 3. Tell whether the following statement is true or false, and explain } your answer in 100-150 words: An immortal being would find it useful } to start a company and make money. } } 4. Speculate as to what would happen to a mortal if a deity were to } write software and the mortal tried to sell it. (There is more than } one correct answer.) } } 5. Imagine the following scenario: You have offended someone very } powerful, and your life is in danger. You don't have anything that } this powerful someone needs. What possible course of action could you } take. 500-1000 words. } } You owe the Oracle a sealed transcript mailed directly from the } registrar. --- 421-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, old buddy, old pal: > > I'm sure you've been asked this a million times, but maybe you can shed > some additional light on the problem for me: > > What are the ramifications of telling the devil to "Go to hell"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ignoring for a moment your excessive familiarity in the manner in which } you address your God, We will turn our attention to the problem you } pose, which is a quandry only to mortals who have no understanding of } these refined matters. } } In general, telling the devil to "go to hell" is a mild epithet much } like "go home" would be to an insignificant mortal like yourself. You } can expect festering hemorrhoids to be visited on you by a horde of } little blue figures which stand only three apples high, but your soul } is in no danger. } } In fact, it was my slightly less omnipotent associate Yahweh who first } told the devil to "go to hell". The devil was looking for an excuse } to skip out on Yahweh anyway, whose idea of a good time involves } burning animals and heaps of rings of flesh from the penises of } his favorite mortals. Fortunately for you, the Oracle prefers Lisa. } } The next time you feel the urge to curse the devil, may I suggest } the far more fearful injunction "Go to Tempe, Arizona for a weekend } in the summertime where all the nightclubs are featuring the } Beegees and Keystone is $5 a six pack." } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Devil's DP Dictionary. --- 421-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wonderful Oracle, whose processes always run at highest > priority, please tell me: > > What is a MUD, and should I worry about cleaning off my keyboard after > using one? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A MUD, of course, is a Massive Upheaval of the Duodenum, which can be } really messy for your keyboard if you happen to be sitting on it when } you have a MUD. } } Ha ha. Just kidding. :-| } } Actually, a MUD is a Multiple User Domain. They serve two purposes: } } 1. TO waste valuable computer time that wouldn't be spent doing } anything anyway. } 2. TO waste valuable human time that wouldn't be spend doing anything } anyway. } } People wander in and out of virtual rooms in virtual settings with } virtual characters and virtual money and virtual armor and virtual } weapons, which is virtually a good way to spend time, but not quite. } } You owe the Oracle wizard privileges.