From oracle-request Fri Feb 28 10:57:29 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 28 Feb 92 10:57:29 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #416 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 416 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #416 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Fri, 28 Feb 92 10:57:29 -0500 !!! Those of you on the Oracularities mailing list who now can read the !!! Oracularities on rec.humor.oracle can unsubscribe to the list by !!! mailing to oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with the word !!! "unsubscribe" in the "Subject:" line. I encourage you to do so, !!! since it's much easier for us to distribute the Oracularities via !!! news rather than mail. @@@ Voting on the Oracularity Digests will be disabled until the Chief @@@ Priest (Steve Kinzler) returns from Barcelona, six months from now. @@@ We regret that this will delay vote scoring, Best Of digests, and @@@ the great priesthood scoreboard, but only so much perl can be @@@ written in a day. @@@ @@@ We now return you to the cream of the crop of oracularities... To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message). For example: 416 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 416-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderful Oracle, whose very being is beyond mortal > comprehension, who knows the last digit of pi, who...hmm. What _is_ > the last digit of Pi, anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just a moment... } } % compute_pi } Computing...Sun Feb 22 16:06:36 PST 1992 } Computing...Sun Feb 22 17:06:36 PST 1992 } Need additional processing power. } Use security holes to use other internet hosts? [n] y } Working... 452 hosts found so far } Working... 987 hosts found so far } Working... 5837 hosts found so far } Working... 92385 hosts found so far } Working...457839 hosts found so far } 999999 hosts found (maximum) computaion begins. } Computing...Sun Feb 22 18:06:36 PST 1992 } Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1992 } Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1995 } Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 1998 } Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2003 } Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2009 } Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 2832 } Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 4985 } Computing...Sun Feb 23 18:06:36 PST 9364 } Computation complete, output is pi.txt } % cat pi.txt } Warning system shutdown in 10 second } ..end of the world... } }}}NO CARRIER } } Well I guess some things just arn't meant to be discovered. --- 416-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, hilarious and mighty Oracle, who power and knowledge extends > beyond the farthest reaches of the Universe. Oh, magnificent and > magnanimous Oracle, whose witty reparte is always fun to read. Oh, > great, eminent, illustrious, immense, vast, fine, important, prominent, > vital, famed, dignified, excellent, renowned, majestic, august, noble, > grand Oracle, who can so wisely answer any question put to you by us > stupid mortals. Oh, kind and caring Oracle, who rules the Universe... > > [Sorry, I have no question, I just wanted to grovel a bit...] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last! A supplicant with his priorities straight! He is truely } the Great One, promised of ages. He is the one unto whom I shall } bestow the greatest prize, as was written in the Great Scrolls of T'q. } } Come forward and recieve the prize. . . } } come closer } } closer } } TAG!!! YOU'RE IT! HAHAHAHAHA! } } You owe the Oracle a second childhood. --- 416-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Well, maybe I used the wrong sample, flicked the wrong switch, or > applied the wrong voltage, but something went wrong. Now large > glistening things with leathery wings and heads like an octopus are > entering the lab through the molecular beam epitaxy unit. They have > eaten three janitors, sacrificed a PDP-11 on an altar of magtapes, and > are now chanting "Dan Quayle! Dan Quayle". I am protected by a > hastily drawn pentagram, and only have this terminal, my coffee cup, a > Christmas stocking, three mangoes and a tape measurer. How do I get > out of this one alive and reasonably intact? > > Umm... Please hurry on this one. The mangoes won't last long and > the critters may soon figure out that the terminal connector passes > through the pentagram. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Geez! Sometimes I wonder why I even let you humans NEAR expensive } research equipment. I mean, what do you EXPECT to happen when you } deposit Argon on Gallium Arsenide wafers willy-nilly like that? I } bet you didn't bother to read the warnings in your MBE User's Guide, } did you. Allow me. From Chapter One, page 3: } } "WARNING! Use EXTREME CAUTION when depositing molecules of } certain noble gases, particularly Argon, on improperly } prepared Gallium Arsenide wafers. Failure to observe proper } safety measures may result in the inadvertent opening of } gates to various planes of Hell. (For information on closing } gates to Hell, please refer to Appendix H.)" } } Don't tell me, you left the User's Guide back in your office behind } your Macintosh, didn't you? Apparently computer geeks aren't the } only ones who never RTFM. Okay, I'm in a good mood, so here's } Appendix H: } } "Appendix H. Closing Gates to Hell. } } The following procedure is recommended to close gates to } Hell inadvertently opened due to improper operation of your } MBE unit. You will require the following materials: } } - Computer terminal connected to the Internet } - Caffeinated beverage, preferably Jolt. } - Three or more tropical fruits. [Hope you didn't get } too hungry - O] } - Accurate linear measurement device. } } Step 1. Identify pertinent plane of Hell involved: } } [Lots deleted - O] } } Plane 221: Sky turning blood-red; Earth opening up and } swallowing nearby chemists. } } Plane 222: Winged, slimy, octopus-headed Dan Quayle fans. } } Plane 223: Major temporal distortions; Recent project } report finished on time. } } [More deleted - O] } } Step 2. Arrange tropical fruits in regular polygon precisely } 66.6 centimeters per edge. } } Step 3. BEFORE arranging tropical fruits, consume caffeinated } beverage. } } Step 4. Using computer terminal, break into site VAXnnn.HELL.UNI, } where nnn is the plane of Hell involved. Retrieve the } file /usr/local/doc/spells/closing. (The IP addresses of } these sites are of the form 132.257.666.nnn.) } } Step 5. Chant the contents of the retrieved file three times. } (Ignore denizens pouring liquid nitrogen on you.) } } Step 6. Once gate to Hell is closed, shut down MBE lab and } contact Facilities. Refer to local procedures manuals } for standard gate to Hell followup activities." } } There, that should do it. But if you think THAT was bad, wait til } your boss finds out you were eating lunch in the MBE lab! } } You owe the Oracle a top-of-the-line Ribe vacuum pump. And the } Christmas stocking. --- 416-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O magnanamous Oracle, who can crush toe-jam into diamonds and > whose very thought patterns can make toaster ovens spew forth untold > riches, whose libido is the size of a volvo station wagon, and whose > spread in the latest issue of "Horny Leather Clad Gods & Godesses" left > us all breathless, answer me this: > > Why, in Canada, is SPAM called KAM and TREET called PREM??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } English is the same as many other languages, in that it } has many dialects. An American raincoat in England is called a } "mac," which to us means "cheese and macaroni," which to the whole } world means that annoying little girl in the Kraft commercials. } Also, in England, a "fag" is slang for a cigarette, while } in the States, it means "one who is subscribed to soc.motss." } As for you Ohians, we all know that to you, "mounties" means } "man who sleeps with horses," while to Canadians the word trans- } lates merely to "blonde guy who lusts for the Chief's daughter } and has a huge chin." } Of course, there are some words in dialects which have } no meaning at all in others. While "poofter" is gibberish in } the American version of English, in the mother country it means } what "fag" is to us, which of course means "cigarette" to them. } So, if an Englishman asks if you are a poofter, and you smoke } cigarettes, quickly say "yes" with a smile and reach into your } pocket for your smokes. He will either run away or ask you to } dance. } The answer to your question lies also in these dialects. } Spam, in America, was named because of its main ingredients: } salt and ham. In Canada, it is named affectionately after } David Letterman's "Vomit Kam," which only lasted for two } episodes due to sudden increases in hospitalizations for bulemia. } Treet is called prem in Canada simply because the } American elongated version, "shwedded treet," not only poked } fun at Canadian house birds, but is not as preferrable to them } as their shortened spelling of Pre-Menstrual Syndrome, or "prem." } } You owe the Oracle he translation of "Ix" in Betelguese Seven's tongue, } then translated into Chinese and posted, using ASCII graphics, } to rec.humor.oracle.d. --- 416-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wonderfull and kind Oracle of all time, please see it wise to > give me advice. > > When I woke up this morning, the first thing I did was long in at 9600 > baud with my home computer to my Sun at work. Then I telent'ed the > main VAX just to telnet back to a Solburne on my domain. From there I > rlogin'ed around the building a bit until I ended up at the building's > main mail host with the outside world. From there I used a company > high speed line and software to get to our office in Montrouge, France. > From there I telneted to a university in northern California where I > still have an account. I wasn't done yet, oh no. From there I > telnet'ed an account at the library at a universtiy in southern Germany > where, the system administrator, a friend of mine from way back, set me > up. This was a VAX system so I read some help -- not trivial because > the German keyboard isn't perfect QWERTY. I then telnet'ed my Sun back > in San Jose, promply went back into my account on the first VAX and > used another high speed link to our office in Sagamihara, Japan then > Seul, Korea then back to San Jose. > > Only then was I ready to read news. The pause between 'n' and a new > screen was about 25 seconds. > > How much of this delay was due to propagation delay as contrasted with > my baud rate limit and what makes me do this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ooh, you naughty boy! All that telnetting and rloginning and other } nasty stuff -- you weren't practicing safe computing! You were being } promiscuous! Not only were you hrr, umm, shall we say "interacting" } with many other coputers AT THE SAME TIME, but you didn't even bother } to ask with whom those other computers had "interacted" or were } "interacting" at the time. Who knows what kind of viruses you might } have contracted or spread? (Well, I do, but you know what I mean.) } } But anyway, on to your question. The line of connections was: } 1) home computer --> 2) Sun --> 3) V** (Tsk, tsk! You KNOW you } shouldn't use naughty words when addressing the Oracle!) --> 4) } Solburne --> 5) mail host --> 6) Montrouge --> 7) university --> 8) } Germany --> 9) Sun --> 10) V** again --> 11) Japan --> 12) Korea --> } 13) San Jose. } } Well, there you have it. The delay had nothing to do with your baud } rate, nor with propagation delay. The various computers you were } dealing with all happen to be superstitious (that's not as surprising } as it may seem, actually; about three quarters of all the computers in } the Universe are superstitious to some degree) and they decided to } punish you for forcing them into a "menage-a-treize" situation. You } shouls have added a fourteenth somewhere along the line; then they } would have cooperated better. Of course, that would have been even } worse, safe-computing-wise, but you can't have everything. } } You owe the Oracle a megabyte of condoms. --- 416-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: CLHP19@vaxb.strathclyde.ac.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, articulate, beautiful, charming, delightful, eidetic, funloving, > great, hedonistic, intelligent, just, kind, liberal, magnificent, > noble, omnipotent, powerful, quintessential, ribald, scintillating, > tactful, universal, virtuous, wonderful, xenophilic, youthful, zotting > Oracle, > > Did you like my abecedarian grovel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For a mere mortal, I thought your grovel was amiable, beautific, } creative, distracting, energetic, faithful, gregarious, helpful, } interesting, joyous, kind, libidinous, magnificent, non-ful, } ornate, particularly, quinticentially restful, surprising, terrific, } unmatched, very wonderous, xylophonically yodel-like, and zooy. } } You owe me a can of alphabet soup and an electronic Webster. --- 416-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've been meaning to ask this for a long time... > why do people procrastinate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll get back to you on that. --- 416-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, Master of the Skies, Emperor of the Eagles, Lord of > the Lorikeets, Archon of the Albatrosses, Caliph of the Cuckoos, > Pharaoh of the Phoenixes, Pooh-bah of the Penguins and King of the > Turkeys.... how do I roast a chicken? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Call Sadam and tell him George is mad again. --- 416-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: dcharlet@rpslmc.edu (dale charletta) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, so splendiferous that the OED alone cannot hold > sufficient adjectives to describe your awe-inspiring majesty; so > perfect that your kneecaps are the basis of some primative religions; > so enervating that I sink to the depths of ennui in a feeble attempt > to emluate your perfection in writing this poor imitation of flattery; > > I have a question, important to a frivilous worm such as myself, who > is clearly unable to spell as well as You, that I beg, indeed, I > humble and prostrate myself like a person with a severe back spasm, > who finds oneself writing sentences of such complexity and odd > structure that Gogol himself would be unable to duplicate, and the > diagram of which would appear as a typical Wall Street organizational > chart, only with fewer incompentent managers, to ask your favor of > an answer to this simple, innocent question. > > Worshipful Oracle, my question is, in that instant when I wake up, > just before cognizant thought completely invades dreamland, I always > imagine a rather interesting scene (which I am unable to describe with > appropriate detail in such a public forum) involving "Better Cheddar > 'Real Vermont Style' Cheese Whiz", plastic sheeting, two slightly > overweight reindeer, and the Swedish Bikini team? > > I thank thee, most Wise and Glorius Oracle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most worthy supplicant, thy groveling has saved not only your own } pitiful existence but that of at least the next three petitioners. } (Be careful not to step in the last questioner, there, to your right. } That stuff stains something awful.) You may come back in now, my } attendants, the Oracular Wrath has been appeased. } } Now, let us return to this unusual comment of yours. I see that you } do not have an actual question, so I assume you merely wish to share } this most intriguing setting with your Oracle. Let me access your } psychological profile . . . accessing . . . oh my Me . . . } } Most interesting. I see in your profile that you have an appropriate } respect for spray cheese; that is a factor in your favor. The plastic } sheeting and the bikini team are two things that go well together, as } the Oracle well knows. The origin of the reindeer is what has the } Oracle a bit worried, but these things usually work themselves out. } The combination of these elements is a tad ambitious for a mortal, but } could prove interesting and profitable to watch, videotape, and } possibly distribute. I believe I shall grant you a boon. } } I suggest, worthy one, that you carry a large quantity of spray } cheese with you everywhere (this is, in fact, good advice for all } mortals, I mean, you never know). You also might want consider some } pickled herring to add an additional element of mystery. Some time in } the future either the reindeer or the bikini team will appear before } you, and it will be up to you to be prepared and to take the } appropriate action. I will be watching. } } Oh yes: you should step up your program of calisthenics immediately. } Make your Oracle proud! } } You owe the Oracle a performance surpassing even that of a Kennedy } on a Florida beach. --- 416-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Most Wise, whose proliferous responses to a myriad of simple > and humble queries leaves me breathless; who could save the American > auto industry with nary an effort; whose wisdom is exceeded only by his > patience in providing guidance to us mere mortals... > > Do you want to buy a duck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I suppose that depends on the duck. Are we talking Donald? } Daffy? Peking? Darkwing? Daisy? } } I am reminded of the parable of the elephant. A man was walking in the } Washington Park Zoo in Portland, Oregon one day. A man in a trenchcoat } pulled him aside and said, "Pssst! Hey, mister! Want to buy an ele- } phant?" } } The man replied, "I live in an apartment. I can't even have a cat! } Why would I buy an elephant?" } } The man in the trenchcoat said, "500 bucks -- for an elephant! A real } elephant." } } The man replied, "My wife would kill me if I spent that much money. } Besides, where would I keep it? What would I feed it? How would I } pay the vet bills? And what about the smell? } } The man in the trenchcoat said, "450 bucks -- that's my final offer -- } take it or leave it." } } The man replied, "Listen, buster, for the last time! I don't WANT an } elephant! I don't LIKE elephants! I can't AFFORD an elephant! Stop } with the elephant!" } } The man in the trenchcoat said, "Boy, you drive a hard bargain -- TWO } elephants, 650 bucks -- what do you say?" } } The man replied, "Now you're talking! Where can I rent a truck?"