From oracle-request Thu Feb 20 00:30:53 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 20 Feb 92 00:30:53 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #412 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 412 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #412 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Thu, 20 Feb 92 00:30:53 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 412 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 407 27 votes 0319e 73665 78840 19755 42c72 69543 04995 27f30 2d831 66852 407 3.0 mean 4.3 3.0 2.3 3.1 3.0 2.6 3.6 2.7 2.6 2.7 --- 412-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle (enough groveling...), if you know everything in this > world, then tell me : How can Macintosh sell things, when all they do > i nothing but crap and just crap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a RIDICULOUS question!! I know you mortals don't think things } through, but come on. } } How did David Duke get into politics? } Who publishes the National Enquirer? } How did Dan Quayle become Vice President? } How did the Ford Pinto get released on the market? } Who invented Marshmallow Fluff? } Where does Cher get her outfits? } How did Dolly Parton get her... ah.. hair? } How did Hostess figure out the shelf life of Twinkies? } What happened to the Edsel? } Where did they get those artificial onion rings that disintegrate if } you step on them? } Who came up with non-alcoholic beer? } What happened to Zsa Zsa's REAL face? } How did the movie "Blood Sucking Freaks" ever get made? } } I could go on... } The simple fact is, mortals have always been prone to creating crap. } However, the only thing worse than creating crap is paying money for } it. Get the point? } } You owe the Oracle a subscription to the National Enquirer. --- 412-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come everyone in New York City just turned female and > cannibalistic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We take you now to the trial of serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. } } Attorney: And after you coated the bodies with a white wine and Dijon } sauce, what did you do? } } Dahmer: Well, usually I would spit them, roast them on the grill, and } serve with a lightly chilled Jello creation. } } [Shocked gasps and exclamations of horror are heard] } } Attorney: Do you mean to say, Mr. Dahmer, that you did not first } marinate for fifteen minutes?!?! } } Dahmer: I... I'm sorry, it's because I fell off the slide in second } grade. } } Attorney: Your honor, this man is obviously insane. I have no more } questions. } } Prosecutor: Mr. Dahmer, isn't it true that you were often seen buying } women's underwear in Macy's? } } Dahmer: Well, I, um... } } Prosecutor: Yes or no, Mr. Dahmer. } } Dahmer: Yes! Yes! I did buy women's underwear from Macy's! And } lingerie from Frederick's of Hollywood! And flannel shirts from Eddie } Bauer! } } Prosecutor: And would you say, Mr. Dahmer, that you knew exactly what } you were doing? } } Dahmer: Yes, I would. I... I wanted to be a woman! } } Prosecutor: Your honor, this man is obviously a cold, calculating } serial killer and purchaser of clothing from outlet stores. I recommend } he be made Vice-President. } } Dahmer: No! Anything but that! } } And now, over to New York for reactions. } } Man on street: Ya know, I kindah' admiah dis guy. I tink I'll go get a } sex change operation and become a female cannibal. } } Two days later, everyone in New York had done the same thing. And } there's your answer. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves", "How to Cook a } Mean Tuna Casserole", and a leg. } } Of lamb, that is. --- 412-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr Oracle! Mr. Oracle! I need a lot of help Mr. Oracle, and you're > pretty smart, and know all kinds of stuff, and could probably really > help me out, cuz I don't really know what to do and I got a real > problem, so here goes... > > Jimmy's got this little sister who's a real sissy. She always follows > me around and blows kisses at me and icky stuff like that. I told it > to quit it cuz it was icky, but she won't stop, and Jimmy thinks its > real funny, and all the guys are startin' to talk about us gettin' > married and stuff like that. I asked mommy what to do, but she said I > gotta be nice to Jimmy's little sister cuz she's a girl, and someday > I'll understand, and their mommy had that accident with the salad > shooter a couple years back. Well I don't care. I'm not giving my > allowance up for anybody. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Bobby, you've asked the question that men have been asking } themselves for millions of years. And do you know something? Not a } single one of 'em has come up with the right answer yet -- because not } one of 'em thought to come and ask me what to do. } } Obviously, you DON'T have to give your allowance up for anybody; why, } it's perfectly easy to be nice to a girl, keep your money, and be macho } all at the same time! So, here are some ideas for dealing with Jimmy's } sister: } } 1) Tell her that you need to spend time hanging out with the } boys. If she loves you, she'll understand, and she won't mind } a bit waiting out behind the schoolhouse for hours and hours } until you come back. } } 2) Let her do things for you -- carry your books, for example. } Remember that Encyclopedia Brittanica your parents bought you } last year? Let her haul those things around the blocks a few } times. } } 3) Give her little presents that are tokens of your esteem. You } don't have to spend money to find appropriate gifts; worms are } cheap; so are slugs, grubs, dead fish and bird droppings. } She'll treasure them for a lifetime. } } 4) A boot to the head is always nice.. } } "Hi, Orrie! Whatcha doing?" } } "Uh, nothing, Lisa, just answering a few supplicants' questions..." } } "'slugs, grubs, dead fish and BIRD DROPPINGS'?!? ORRIE!!! I THOUGHT } THAT WAS GOING TO BE OUR LITTLE SECRET!!!" } } "Aw, come on, Lisa... I'll edit it out in a minute. In the mean time, } look! Here's a dead eel..." } } "Ohhhh, ORRIE! Can I play with it?" } } You owe the Oracle the meat truck from "The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, } and Her Lover". --- 412-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and magnificent Oracle, upon whose phlegm I would not be > worthy to nibble, and whose massively wonderful graciousness is seen > and remarked upon by people of high quality everywhere, please > answer my question. > > Should I vote for someone who wants to take all my money and > give it to the poor people, or someone who wants to take all my > money and give it to the rich people? And is it better to elect > an idiot who is running, an idiot who is not running, or someone who > is running from an idiot? > > -Confused in NH And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's best to get a 20-can bonus pack of Ranier Beer, a bad movie, } and butt-wasted than worry about. Actually, go for Clinton. Hey, } if he's screwin' the bimbo, maybe he won't be screwin' us. } } You own the Oracle a political agenda. --- 412-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, most definitely. There are four of them in Europe, two in North } America, and one in Australia. The Australian one is by far the } biggest, but the least effective. Two of the European ones, in } Amsterdam and Dubrovnic, are identical; some say that is by far the } best possibility. However, you should realize the possible dangers } associated with this particular pastime: serious rashes, internal } bleeding, and powerful hallucinations. } } (it's a good thing the Oracle reads American sign language, isn't it?) } } You owe the Oracle a volume control. --- 412-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh inestimable Oracle, to whom the secrets of the mysteries of the > universe are as obvious as...as...as really obvious things, please tell > me: > > What does "OK" stand for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Erm, h-hello? Oh sorry, Cecil Beadymill here, um, I'm afraid Mr Oracle } isn't about at the moment. He said something about an } interdenominational deity orgy or whathaveyou, and sped off on the } hyper-dimensional photon-cycle with that very nice lady friend of His. } He did leave me a note though, I've got it here somewhere if you hang } on a minnit..... } } ! Cecil: } ! } ! don't forget to turn the lights off when you've finished sweeping up, } ! and for once *MAKE SURE* you dust off the terminal properly. You can } ! be replaced by a very stupid robot you know. } ! } ! And leave the videotapes alone this time, they're not meant for view- } ! ing by your subservient eyes. Don't try to deny it, as an Omnipotent } ! Deity I'm fully aware of what you get up to while you're supposed to } ! be cleaning. I'm giving you one last chance and then it's time } ! for you. Remember, the Oracle Knows. } ! O. } } Oh dear. I b-better be going I think, I've got a VCR to turn off, sorry } I couldn't be of more help. Ehm, you owe me an excuse for why those } videotapes were moved, and the Oracle a better temper and worse memory. --- 412-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, grand, exultant, imperial, all-mighty, omnipotent, invincible > Oracle, I humbly beg that you answer my question. Why is my life so > bloody unexciting?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Everyone gets the same amount of excitement in their lives, but it is } distributed differently along their lifetimes. Some people have a } constant stream of excitement, so they tend to ignore it. Some people } get it in lumps; these people are the so-called "exciting" people. And } some people get it in one big burst. This final category is where you } fall in. } } You owe the Oracle front-row seats to see the 2.7 kilometer diameter } asteroid that crashes smack-dab into your bedroom tonight. } The Oracle has spoken. --- 412-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Internationally Famous and Eminently Interviewable Oracle, > > I'm writing an article about you for "Your Computer" magazine here in > Sydney, Australia. Is there anything you'd like to say to our readers > "Down Under"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Name: Usenet Oracle } } Occupation: Divine Soothsayer and Keeper of All Knowledge } } Quote: "I've got your ZOT right here, pal! } } Age: ~15x10^9 years } } Turn-Ons: love goddesses, funny Internet addresses, felling whole } civilizations at random } } Turn-Offs: querants who don't grovel, Priesthoods that don't include my } wit in the digests, Robert Tilton } } Favorite Often Asked Question: "Orrie, do you want to..." er, this } might not be good for your } publication... } } Hope this helps. } } You owe the Oracle a spot on "Now it Can Be Told." --- 412-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ian? Can you hear me? Ian? It's your mother. Where the hell are > you? Ian, I know you can hear me. Why haven't you called? I've > been worried sick. And none of this 'Oracle' nonsense. Well... > I'm waiting. I mean all of the other soothsayers mothers get calls > and an occasional card, but YOU, not even a whimper. > > IAN!? Now I know you're out there. Now look, I'm making dinner > this Sunday and I want you to come. And why don't you bring that > nice Lisa girl I've heard so much about. And that's another thing, > mister! When did you start seeing her anyway? I had to find out > about her from Maurine Kreskin up the street. I mean, do you know > how embarrassing that is to find out that your son is dating from > someone else? Like you care. > > Now, be there at six; I'm making the casserole with the potato chips > on top like you used to like. Ian? Dammit, boy, I know you can > hear me. I'll expect you at six then. And wear socks this time! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aw, heck, Lisa. Now Mom knows. Look, can you make it to dinner this } Sunday?... Yeah, I know - sorry... I thought it was too, but } the casserole with the potato chips on it - nobody but Mom knows } *that*! Oh, you mean they can hear me? Ahem! } } THE ORACLE MUST BE APPEASED!!! Yes, that's right, I'm Real Mad Now. } } (I mean, c'mon, Ma - what're the other Supreme Beings gonna } think?) } } This Foul Trick played by a mere mortal - } } (I've got mortals grovelling to me all the time asking me } their questions, and I think they can see this, Ma. They } might not think I'm cool anymore.) } } The Oracle is preparing to deliver a like no mortal has ever } seen! } } (I'm sorry I didn't write, Ma - but I've got a whole priesthood } down here to help me with my mail - I'm *really* swamped!) } } Casserole with potato chips indeed! No mortal had best try *this* } again, or NO REPLY! JUST ! } } (Yeah, Ma - we'll be there. I really miss your casserole!) } } NOW CUT IT OUT! You owe the Oracle extensive grovelling and a word } that rhymes with "insignia." (There, that'll keep 'em busy!) } } (Don't worry, Ma - just send me home with a Tupperware thing full } of the casserole.) --- 412-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Mark McCafferty The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: Mr Oracle > From: Agent Smythe > > Dear sir, > > It has come to our attention that you have never filed a > Federal Income Tax return, and do not possess a social > security number. > > According to our information the majority of your business > transactions take place using bartering. You should be aware > that such transactions ARE subject to federal income tax. > > Due to the seriousness of this matter, you are directed > to present yourself at the Holtsville, NY office for examination > on Thursday, February 13, 1992. If you fail to appear you > will be presumed guilty of fraud and subject to additional > penalties. Please bring with you all records that you have > related to your income, not that it will help any. > > Very truly mine, > > Agent Douglas Smythe > Internal Revenue Service And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From the Office of the Coroner. *** CONFIDENTIAL *** } } Report on suspected homicide # 92-02-7344 } } Name: Smythe, Douglas (presumed) } Sex: Indeterminate, presumed male } Age: Indeterminate } Occupation: Internal Revenue Agent } Cause of death: Other (see text) } } Victim presumed to be Douglas Smythe but remains not identifiable. } Identity presumed on basis of identification in wallet of deceased, } found in pile of clothing (belonging to deceased) located in front of } office computer terminal. Only remains are piles of dust discovered } inside shoes. Analysis confirms presence of human DNA. Cause of death } unclear. } } Investigation of office revealed: } } Diary. Last notes dated 19 Feb 92: "Got him at last. Didn't show up. } Clever trick not sending demand until after appointment. Refused to } come to office, therefore contacted him through usual channels with } request for transport to his residence. Says to wait here, transport } coming. Don't know how ...." Transcript ends. } } Computer terminal. Activated, electronic mail program operating. } Clearly malfunctioning, obviously tampered with by person or persons } unknown since ludicrous message from Wastebasket folder, "Help, let me } out, it's no trick, I'm stuck in here." No files visible. Terminal } deactivated. } } Case closed, unsolved. Presumed homicide, perpetrator unknown.