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Subject: Usenet Oracularities #411
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X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1
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X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces".  From the iuvax archive today.

=== 411 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #411
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 92 00:30:55 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
    411
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

406  24 votes  33972 53745 47931 24b52 27852 03597 1a661 a6332 3c621 57435
406  2.9 mean   3.1   3.0   2.6   3.0   2.9   3.8   2.8   2.2   2.4   2.8

--- 411-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mose wise and pontificable Oracle, answer me this question:
>
> What exactly in involved in a ZOT! ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well for you there would be many dark and arcane rituals summoning
} various spirits in order to get the various powers aligned.
}
} For Me, I just point my finger and -<ZOT>-
}
} Er, sorry. . .
}
} You owe the Oracle not to ask him any more of his trade secrets.

--- 411-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Excuse me, Mr. Oracle, sir...
>
> I know that you are a very Busy Supreme Being, and your powers extend
> so very far as to cause articles in praise of Dan Quayle to appear on
> the front page of the Washington Post.  But your humble servant who is
> not worthy of even scooping the foul lint from the sweaty folds of your
> bellybutton has a question, which I have been unable to answer since
> childhood:
>
> "How many times do I have to tell you not to run in the house?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's quite alright, humble supplicant.  It is true that my
} responsibilities and duties extend far beyond what you could ever
} possibly imagine, and are indeed crucial to the survival of the
} Universe As We Know It.  But, since I am omniscient, I can do many
} things at once, so I am happy to answer your questions.  As long as I'm
} in a good mood.
} And by the way, I think I should mention that it was not I who put that
} article on the front page of the Washington Post.  In fact, that
} twisted deed was the work of the evil anti-Oracle, He Who Goes By Many
} Names, who has been known to man down through the ages as Beelzebub,
} Atilla the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and Don Rickles.
} As to your question proper, the correct answer, or at least the answer
} you wish you had been able to think of at age seven, is as follows:
} "Very well, mother.  I shall stop running in the house.  But at the age
} of 35, when I am stricken with heart disease due to a lack of youthful
} exercise, and am abusing my wife and child because I have no other
} outlet for the feelings of rage repressed from my early childhood, you
} may be sorry."
} You owe the Oracle a one-year subscription to Psychology Today.

--- 411-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wildly well-hung Oracle, whose tongue I am not capable to massage,
> whose words of wisdom sparkles like the Sun, I abase myself in the
> face of your rutting altar.  Why am I such a feeble and gorking
> husband?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, mere mortal, I have many questions to attend to, some that require
} much thought. And so I cannot visit with you to determine if you are
} indeed a "feeble and gorking husband". And who is to say if you are
} indeed one of those, I mean, besides your wife... But do not dispair,
} answer the following questions, rate yourself, and you can see just
} what kind of husband you really are.
}
} The Oracle's Husband Type Determination Test.
} ---------------------------------------------
}
} Start off by giving yourself 5 points, get a beer (or get her to get
} you one), and proceed.
}
} 1. Give yourself one (1) point for each $10K of your yearly salary.
}
} 2. If you are unemployed, subtract one (1) point for each $20K you
}    spent on your education.
}
} 3. Give yourself one (1) point for each night per month that you go
}    out with "the boys".
}
} 4. Subtract one (1) point for each night when she does the same.
}
} 5. Award yourself points from this scale for your "connubial bliss":
}     a) 30-second sex, twice a month: 0
}     b) once a week, (ie 4.3 times/month), usually Sat.: 1
}     c) close to national avarage: 2
}     d) every second night, various rooms: 3
}
} 6. Award yourself points from this scale for domestic duties:
}     a) you do *all* the cooking, washing, cleaning: -2
}     b) forced to iron your own shirts: -1
}     c) maid comes in once a week: +1
}     c) bought a dishwasher, get volume discount at local laundry: +3
}
} 7. Award yourself points from this scale for "handyman" abilities:
}     a) can identify hammer, but unsure of usage: -1
}     b) took apart toaster; burns healed nicely: 0
}     c) hooked up stereo without reading manual: +1
}     d) built rec room with carpenter buddy's help: +2
}     e) doing second valve job on '68 Camaro: +3
}
} 8. Award yourself the point(s) for vehicular transportation:
}     a) Yugo: -1
}     b) domestic, older than 3 years: 0
}     c) top of line domestic, new: 1
}     d) better than c) less than e): 2
}     e) foreign, more than $45K: 3
}     Bonus of 1 point if it's german, and you won't let her drive it.
}
} 9.  Rate your TV/VCR viewing decision control on a scale of 1 to 10,
}     divide by three, round up, add to total. Void if you watch Oprah
}     or Geraldo whether you have to or not.
}
} 10. Award (or subtract) points as indicated in the following areas:
}     a) plastic maxed out due to her shopping trips out of state: -1
}     b) it bothers you that she makes more than you do: -1
}     c) you make more than she does: +1
}     d) you navigate, she drives, on long trips: -1
}     e) she knows more about football than you do: -2
}     f) you know more about curtains and drapes than she does: -2
}     g) she weighs more than you do: -1
}
} Rate yourself according to the following scale:
}  >=24: a spousal demi-god
} 20-23: would be considered very eligible if single
} 16-19: average, nice, loving (perhaps hard-working) husband,
} 12-15: small amount of work could make you a productive member of
}        this relationship
}  8-11: pants-wearing determined by arm-wrestling match at breakfast
}   4-7: hen-pecked and not in control
}   0-3: feeble and gorking (and still married?)
}
} You owe the Oracle the results of this test. Don't worry, I'll wait
} 'til you've vacuumed the carpet...

--- 411-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle whose kneecaps have nary a blemish on them, how does
> it keep happening to me that every time I go out anywhere I end up
> with only memories of kneecaps?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes!  The human memory.  Sad it must be to be saddled with such a
} feeble and corruptable device.  To fully answer this ponderance, we
} must first travel back.  Back in time...
}
} Time for DOT   (Displacement, Oracular, Temporal)
}
}   .oOo.
}  /  .  \     (this aid for human reference only - of course, the Oracle
} |   :   |     is always fully aware of all existance in all Temporal
} =========     Zones.  This information is for your benefit.  Use it.)
} '   '   '
}
} The Oracle has turned on the 'No Thinking' Sign - please remain at your
} terminal with your seat in the upright position...
}
} Let's now join our little Oracle-question-asker-to-be as s|he skips
} merrily across the playground...
}
} <For convenience sake, let's call him|her 'Pat".>
}
} Pat frolics gaily around the field, apart from companions, who are
} playing on the swings.  Boy, there sure are some neato rocks out here.
} And look! Over there are some blackberries growing on that vine.
} Mmmm.. they sure do taste good!  I'd better not wonder out into the
} street, though.  Mom said I might get hurt.  What's that noise?  It's
} music!  Music coming from down the street!  And it's coming this way!
} It sounds like a circus!  And it is!  It's a circus and they're having
} a parade!  Wow, I hope Mom will take me to the circus.  It sounds
} neato.  Here they come!  Look - there's an elephant and clowns and a
} car with loud circus music... and some funny animals.  They're really
} close now - the clowns are waving at me!  "Hi!  Hello!"  They're funny.
}  Wow, that music is really loud.  Here come those weird animals... I've
} never seen anything like those before.  There's a _tall_ one with a
} funny face.  It's coming over!  It sure has funny knees - they bend
} _backward_!  Maybe he would like some blackberries.  "Do you want
} some..." Hey!  He stole my hat!  Wahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!  That big animal
} with the funny knees stole my hat!  Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  I'll
} never trust anyone with funny knees again!  Never trust...  funny
} knees...
} <*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>
}
} Whew!  What a trip!  I hope you enjoyed that little venture - my power
} bills are going to skyrocket.  Don't ask me to do that too often - I
} got no time for DOT.       ;-)  (You'd better laugh - Oracular puns are
} much prized in some parts of the Known Universe.  As for the rest,
} you're better off not knowing...   The NeXT Generation has done enough
} damage.)
}
} You owe the Oracle two weeks paid vacation and a case of Ben-Gay.

--- 411-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Shut up and deal!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <grunt>
}
} You get:  Ace of hearts
} I get: queen of spades
} Dan Quayle gets: three of spades
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: three of diamonds
} You get: Ace of beanies
} I get: Queen of Heaven
} Dan Quayle gets: jack of asses
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: deuce of e-meters.
} You get: Eight of wallabies
} I get: Five of eggplant
} Dan Quayle gets: four of cowpies
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: ten of asses
} You get: Nine of Tentacles
} I get: Jack of Tires
} Dan Quayle gets: Six of ones
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: Half-dozen of the others
} You get: Ace of Biplanes
} I get: Eight of V's
} Dan Quayle gets: Zero of Brains
} L. Ron Hubbard gets: Millions of Dollars
}
} Shut up and bid.

--- 411-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.cs.unlv.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most awesome Oracle, from whom stems all fuzzy pink things, tell me,
> if thou wouldst deign to:
>
> Is it true that the actual lyrics to the Eurythmics song "Sweet Dreams
> Are Made of These" are:
>
> Some of them want to Usenet you,
> Some of them want to get Usenetted by you,
> Some of them want to AbUsenet you,
> Some of them want to be AbUsenetted?
>
> While you're at it, could you get me the actual lyrics to "Louie,
> Louie"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mick Jagger quoted Nat King Cole to the effect that one should never
} sing the song clearly enough to be unambiguously understood (an
} Oracular paraphrase, in case you were wondering.) This must have been
} what he meant. The actual lyrics to "Louie, Louie" are as follows:
}
}       "JFK will be assassinated by the CIA,
}       Johnson and Nixon will waste our youth and treasure,
}       Ford will cover it up, Carter is Juan Peron,
}       Reagan will poison political discourse forever,
}       Bush never left the Agency, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,
}       We gotta go now.
}
} As you can see, a properly slurred delivery can save some pretty
} improbable lyrics in a pop song.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Hollyridge Strings' version of Bob
} Dylan's "Masters of War."

--- 411-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Mr Oracle -
>
> I've been told that you are a truly superior being with
> simply huge naughty bits.  That being the case, I thought
> I would ask if you could help me with my problem.
>
> Until very recently I lived in a large city in Wisconsin.
> I was very happy in my apartment, although none of the people
> who came to stay with me seemed to last very long, and I kept
> wearing out my drill bits.  (Next time I'll have to buy that
> big Craftsman.)
>
> Now I am staying in a large prison in Wisconsin.  I don't
> really mind, but nobody seems to taste the same in here.  Is
> there some spice that I have forgotten?  Could the other contents
> of my refrigerator be having some effect?  The Frugal Gourmet
> has been no help.
>
>       - Jeff

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Jeff,
}
} Your problem is partly the available selection (convicts run to the
} tough and stringy, and need to be prepared carefully), and partly the
} prison ambiance, which is sadly lacking; presentation and atmosphere
} add so much to a meal.  Mostly, however, your problem is that you are
} looney, wacko, nuts, lights-on-nobody-home-no-forwarding-address.  Pity
} it wasn't convincing enough to keep you out of the pokey for what the
} judge thinks will be a long time indeed.
}
} The judge is mistaken, of course.  I can see (I know all, remember?)
} that you will soon be transferred to another cell block, where your
} fun-loving cellmate, Joshua "Teeth" Magoon, will vehemently object to
} being eaten. Since "Teeth" has a rather direct approach to
} negotiations, you will soon see that any question of parole is a moot
} point, anyway: you're not likely to last more than a few hours.  (And
} if you think The Oracle's anatomy is interesting, wait 'til you see
} Magoon.)
}
} You owe The Oracle your recipe collection.

--- 411-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O frabjous Oracle,
>
> Why do so many people ask you questions out of movies, such as:
>
> "What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?"
>
> or out of songs like:
>
> "Who put the bomp in the bomp-she-bom-she-bomp?"
>
> or from commercials, as in:
>
> "Why ask why?"
>
> Can't they come up with an original question themselves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question is 42.

--- 411-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle:
>
> My car runs fine, my house is paid of, I have a beautiful wife,
> I have no problems in life, what else can I ask for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Always happy to oblige:
}
} o Item: That minor itch on your right inner thigh is the first sign of
}   skin cancer.
}
} o Item: Your company is about to cut 25,000 jobs.  Guess whose head is
}   on the block?
}
} o Item: Your wife just ran away with a lesbian biker named "Stud."
}
} o Item: Your dog has fleas.
}
} Feel better now?
}
} You owe the Oracle two tickets to paradise (round trip).

--- 411-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> .. please almighty Oracle:
> What is the correct Oxford English meaning of this widely spread,
> commonly used word:       Yo$

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, this is not a word, this is an abbreviation.  Its meaning is
} as follows:
}
}               Y:  You
}
}               o:  owe - This used to be lengthened to two letters, om,
} which stood for "owe me", but through time the "me" has become implied.
}
}               $:  Money - This is the standard abbreviation for cash in
} many languages, including English.
}
} Pronunciation: (Yo-munee)
}
} Usage:  Most often used by muggers in conjunction with YoL.  i.e. "Yo
} money or Yo life."  Which is conviently abbreviated to "Yo$ or YoL."
} By this your standard street-scum in implying that you either owe
} him/her/it cash or your life.  The Oracle suggests you surrender your
} cash.
}
} You owe the Oracle an Unabridged dictionary of American Slang